I don't know what to do since my divorce

Hey everyone! I just joined the forums here. I've been a part of other internet forums for years, but this is the first time I have ever been a part of a Christian forum.

Anyways, I have been in a bit of a moral dilemma for a while here, and I don't know what do. It is really eating at my soul, and honestly I think it is sending me into depression.

The moral dilemma has to do with paying off debt (working 70 hours per week) and not having a life vs. not paying off the debt, having the time to rebuild my personal life, and settling with the credit card companies and mortgage company later.

I went through a divorce in 2011. Wife cheated on me and abandoned me. I asked her several times to come back. She said she was going to come back after six months, but she didn't, and because I found out she was lying to me about other stuff and was very possibly still having an affair, I filed for divorce.

The divorce has been final for over a year now. We didn't have any kids. We had massive debt. Well, massive debt in relationship to our income.

I wound up inheriting all of the debt. I also kept the condo since it was only in my name since I purchased it several months before we got married five years ago. I'm roughly 22k upside down on the mortgage, and 30 k in credit card debt. At least 10k of this credit card debt was stuff from my ex wife.

She spent money on braces on my card without my permission, and during the separation, I also found out she was abusing prescription medication, which she also used my credit cards for this too. I didn't know what was happening at the time, and I allowed her to use the credit cards in my name not thinking she would ever leave me. I also paid off one of her cards with a credit card in my name which has a balance of 4k today.

The mortgage payment is about 50% of my income with just my day job. With only my income to pay the mortgage, I had to rent out the spare bedroom, and get a 2nd job. I worked on average 70 hours per week until July.

I quit in July to do my own freelance business in the evenings, but that is not working out.

I have never missed a payment on one of the credit cards or mortgage. I am up to date on everything, and I have never been late on anything either.

I'm thinking about not paying my mortgage to force the bank to short sale my house, and not paying the credit cards so I can settle with them later before they sue me.

If I do this, I can just work my 40 hr per week job, get my life back, and have a personal life.

All the long hours have turned me into a lonely and somewhat depressed person. I would love to get married again and have children, but right now my life is a big mess.

I'm early 30s, committed Christian, and never thought I would be in this situation. I do have a church family, and always attend on Sundays, but its hard to spend much time with anyone when you are working all the time.

I could go back to my 2nd job and let the business die. This is still an option, but it would probably take me three years to pay down the debt enough to not have to work the 2nd job any longer.

What should I do? Continue paying my bills on time and worship my FICO score, or forget the bills, and just keep the lights on, the refrigerator full, utilities paid, and move into a small apartment with cheap rent after the short sale process is over?

I don't know which route to take. Thoughts?

We got into a lot credit card debt in 2010 when I left my full time job (BIG MISTAKE!!!) to start my own business. I realized that was a mistake, but it took a long time to get back into full-time employment.

I told my divorce lawyer I would take on the debt (Big mistake #2) and keep the house. I thought eventually my side business would start generating enough income to pay down the debt at a fast pace. That hasn't happened either.

It's too late to get a lawyer back on this again. The divorce was final over a year ago, and I have no contact with her at all.

Getting her to pay anything now would not likely happen.

My reasoning for paying off the debt myself instead of letting it go bad was because of the reasons you just stated. I figured it would be much more respectable to other women. Of course, most women aren't interested in guys that don't have any time for them. So either way, I'm stuck LOL.

EDIT: All the credit cards were already in my name. I knew she wouldn't pay them if we forced her to pay on them too, so I knew my credit would be shot. The only chance I had to keep my credit from being destroyed was to take on the debt myself.

Hey everyone! I really appreciate all of your input on this. These responses are much better than I would get in Yahoo Answers LOL.

dayhiker said:

Jake,
I'm with the others about not going into default. Call it an expensive lesson. With your lessons learned and thru it in 3 yrs you will be ahead of many who take decades to learn the lessons.
I think TopicalWilds has some good advise as well. A lower interest rate can improve your situation nicely. You might even be able to get a lower interest rate on your mortgage. Like anything that is more work. But 2-6 months of that work will pay off big time.

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Most of what I have read about credit card companies lowering your interest rate has to do with what happens after you are late. They don't have any reason to negotiate with me if they think I will pay them every month.

I would probably have to be late on a payment before they would negotiate, but I could be wrong.

I listen to Dave Ramsey every day, and listening to his show has really reshaped a lot of my views about money.

mjmcmillan said:

I went through a divorce followed by a bankruptcy. I've had fun in my day, and let me tell you that divorce and bankruptcy ain't it.

If you can keep ahead of your bills, do it. A mortgage that is 50% of your income isn't a good thing though, see if you can negotiate with the bank on that. That would kill you financially even without any other problems.

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This^^^^^ is my biggest issue. My upside down mortgage coupled with my debt to income ratio.

If I was making enough to easily pay down the mortgage and get out of this condo, I would in a heartbeat. I have calculated it would take me at least five to seven years with two jobs (as I previously had) to pay off my credit cards and pay down my mortgage enough so I could get out from under it without suffering the ramifications of a short sale on my credit.

At the rate I am going now, with two jobs, I would be close to 40 years old by the time I cleaned all this mess up. This is where the depression and overall hopelessness comes into play.

What I didn't mention in the first post was that I quit my second job in July, went back in Sept, and quit again in November. I tried to do a freelance business that would in theory make much more than delivering pizzas or my day job, but I'm finding it is much harder to get clients than I thought it would. I'm also finding the stress of everything is too much for me to do the freelance stuff like I thought I would be able to do.

At least with the 2nd job, I had disciplined income and didn't really worry about income.

I see most of my friends having kids and family now, and I still long for this despite the divorce. Its pretty tough coming home at night to a broken home and cat as opposed to a wife and family.

When you are working two jobs, you really don't have time for a family or relationships.

Tropical Wilds said:

Trust me, you don't have to be. Some companies are pretty rotten about it, but others... They just want to get paid. If you have already or do it during the call, cancel the cards and ask to renegotiate your terms. When they hear that, most will help you out. And (not from personal experience, but experience with work... This is what I do for a living) for the companies that are less-then-helpful, use the word they all hate to hear... Bankruptcy. Say that you're looking at filing and you wanted to call your creditors one last time before you retained a lawyer, then they'll most likely listen and listen hard. You can do all of it without damaging your credit. If the card is closed, you can most likely renegotiate your payments and interest without defaulting, especially if you say the big B word.

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Ahhh the B word. I know what you mean. I have also worked in the finance industry several years ago, and we knew what bankruptcy meant!

Bankruptcy obviously is the "easy" way out, but I decided a year ago not to do this, although sometimes this looks like the easy way. All my debt is credit cards and upside down mortgage. Fortunately there aren't any student loans involved.

Tropical Wilds said:

I'm not saying you have to actually file, but if you call in and say you're investigating it, you're reaching out to creditors before you investigate filing, then people will listen.

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Yeah I am not actually considering filing. Dave Ramsey hardly ever recommends filing for bankruptcy. I would only do this as an absolute last resort if I stopped paying my bills and a credit card company wanted to garnish my wages. Usually they won't sue you if you stay in contact with them and don't avoid them.