I desperately need help. I feel almost numb like I don’t care anymore. My heart is so corrupt and I really believe my conscience is dead. My heart posture matches that of a Pharisees and I really think I fit the Hebrews 6 category. It describes my situation very well. (Sorry in advance if I sound despairing and sorry for the bad grammar)
I had an experience with god to an extent but then after having the experience with him and getting to know him I began to love my sins more. I read my Bible and somewhat loved god. I had a professing faith though and it was more shallow/ religious. I’ve always been one to stray and go back to the mire and god was with me for quite long. I'm surprised he stuck around with me for so long but I deliberately and consciously rejected him and his convictions so badly. I committed heinous sins and I ignored him so badly. When I realized this I panicked at first because I feared hell and I was scared that the Holy Spirit left but after some time of waiting for him to come back I fell away and went even deeper into the world, forgetting everything god did for me and ogoing against God and Christianity. I stopped worrying because it was affecting my mental health and I had to push the situation deep in my mind and so I stopped caring to an extent. I don’t think I was repentant at that time and I don’t think I am now. I’ve turned into a terrible person and I don’t think I have a journey with god anymore. I’m scared of hell and I’m scared to become truly hardened even though I think I already am. I don’t think I can truly be repentant and I think that I kept going to sin and evil and i don’t feel conviction anymore. Now that I’m trying to change it’s not by the power or help of the Holy Spirit and I’ve been a terribly host to the Holy Spirit so I know I’m in no favor with him and I’ve possibly even blasphemed him because my heart was so hard and I indirectly in my heart and mind, purposely to taunt god, attributed the Holy Spirit to Satan. I resisted and rebelled against conviction and I toyed with sin. My spiritual state is unknown but it’s possible that I’m not in a good state and I already died spiritually. I’ve destroyed my life with my sins but now that I realize somewhat the situation im in I want to change but that desire might not be enough. I understand from Judas’s story that apostasy and backsliding are two different things and the possible apostasy stated in Hebrews 6 is a serious one.
I guess I don’t know what to do because it says directly that it’s impossible to repent of and i can’t repent and I know I don’t want to go to hell. These last few years have shown me how miserable life is without god I just failed to see that god left my life like I didn’t care- like I was fine with it so that might be an indicator that god had already given me up since then. I persisted in my sins and even hated god and his commands because I wanted to do evil. I want to be the prodigal son but I also know that the darkness in me exceeds me and my heart and conscience are calloused.
I know I’m in a perilous situation and I don’t know what to do. I say all these things but in real life I know I’m also a jerk and my behaviors are so bad. I fail to love others every moment. I feel like I made myself a slave to sin and that’s why I act the way I do and I’ll die in my sins. I don’t believe god is drawing me anymore and I don’t believe he’s calling me to repentance anymore either. I’ve tried changing my ways but my heart and mind and soul isn’t in it and it’s not sincere. I’ve been like this for years but I decided to do something and pay attention to my condition finally a year ago and now I’m still stuck. I did everything I could to sever myself from Christ so I don’t think there’s any hope. Also im not sure any prayers can help me either because my sins might also be sins that lead to death.
I think this is a part of the path with God, when you are walking with him, because I have been there, too. But he never left me. A deliverance session really helped. There are those online. I was helped by someone called win. Forgot the last name, but he was really born again, which is necessary.
You might want to try that.
I know the Catholic Church have online delivery too think it was msgnr Stephen rosetti but I think you can find it if you search
I use to listen to the exorcists on YouTube, fr Carlos Martin's, Lambert etc they know alot about the fight
And they mention things the evil does in regards to this
For example when you sin they can attach to you and or the sin encourage you so you feel it's impossible to break loose this is what happens with addicts for example but it can happen with regular things too and they have watched you since you were born, they know what to push. And have the time to wait
Deliverance can help win over sin
In most cases it's just some prayers
As well as when it happens start to pray, and spend most time reading the Bible. I e you don't give a foot in
Sometimes it helps have someone to stay accountable to
Know as long as you reoent, God will forgive you the fact you write this shows you haven't gone too far
As well as too many churches focus on the experience and emotions. But just because you feel that God can't forgive you or that you just keep sinning, it doesn't mean God doesn't forgive you.
Think about the lost son. He was away for long time. God still forgave him.
We aren't sin free in this life. We can only do our best.