How to successfully join a church?

Offeiriad · Sep 12, 2015

Hi all. I joined some time ago but haven't stuck my head above the trench until now. I've been enjoying this thread though because of my odd situation. I'm an Aspie Priest/Pastor/Minister whatever, pensioned off on health grounds, and finding it really tough to belong to the only church I have realistically available. My OH, also Aspie with other issues, has simply given up the struggle and retired hurt. So I guess I'm learning empathy the hard way.....?

KuriosIesousChristos · Oct 6, 2015

I attend the Divine Service 10-12 times per year. That's about all I can handle. I have a church, and it's the only church I go to, but I'm not a formal member although I am in communion with the church and I accept the teachings of the Synod. I can't handle the classes to formally join. I'm far too anxious and far too much of an introvert. I'm largely ignored in church, and find it difficult to participate, especially because of my sensory issues. I have never been able to mingle after service; I always go straight for the exit. I wouldn't go at all, but I find that I must take Holy Communion about once a month. Neuro typical people are puzzled by us. They do not understand what it is like to be us, that we typically can't communicate well, and so they assume that we are jerks and ignore us. Sorry, but it will probably always be very difficult. That's my experience, anyways.

NIrelandGillian · Oct 11, 2015

Designer mom, I pray for you and your family, that God would place you in a church or gathering of His people where you will be valued for who you are and where the leaders will be able to make themselves aware of your needs and where you'll be able to participate in a way which is appropriate for you.

In our church fellowship, we have home Bible study groups, which meet in people's homes. These are just small groups and don't have the noise you get after church. Do you have anything like that at your current church?

Blessings to you and your family.

Gillian

S.O.J.I.A. · Nov 13, 2016

what church activities do you feel you can do?

hedrick · Nov 13, 2016

KuriosIesousChristos said:
I attend the Divine Service 10-12 times per year. That's about all I can handle. I have a church, and it's the only church I go to, but I'm not a formal member although I am in communion with the church and I accept the teachings of the Synod. I can't handle the classes to formally join. I'm far too anxious and far too much of an introvert. I'm largely ignored in church, and find it difficult to participate, especially because of my sensory issues. I have never been able to mingle after service; I always go straight for the exit. I wouldn't go at all, but I find that I must take Holy Communion about once a month. Neuro typical people are puzzled by us. They do not understand what it is like to be us, that we typically can't communicate well, and so they assume that we are jerks and ignore us. Sorry, but it will probably always be very difficult. That's my experience, anyways.

Have you talked with anyone in your leadership? People on the spectrum are common enough that many churches have them. We have two adults and a couple of youth that I know about, and there could well be more. I'm pretty sure we would find a way to let you join, and would be understanding about how you can and can't participate.

Paidiske · Nov 14, 2016

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I think a small church might actually be a better thing to look for. For example, I minister in a small church, and we have a couple of services a week where we typically only get about 6 people; and these are services with no music or singing, and probably "easier" from a sensory and social interaction point of view.

I also would ask around for churches which know what they're doing with this (ideally look for a minister who either is on the spectrum or who has a family member on the spectrum; we're out here!) In my last parish, I worked with an OT to design a service for children on the spectrum; we built it from scratch with their particular needs and strengths in mind. I know other churches are starting to experiment in similar ways and knowledge of autism is gradually growing.

It's not easy and lots of people are still clueless, but I think it is possible to find something that works.

Offeiriad · Dec 1, 2016

I'd love to hear more about services which you feel play to the needs and strengths of children with autism. Could we have more details please?

Paidiske · Dec 1, 2016

Oh, okay... well, the service we designed would have things like:

- An outline in pictures of what we would do that day displayed up the front (visual prompt for sequence of events)
- We had the children sitting on the floor on yoga mats. It gave them each a defined space but also "wriggle room" and the mats had a texturally interesting surface. We encouraged the children to participate barefoot for that sensory "grounding" as well.
- We used to do foot washing at most of our services, as part of our "gathering" time. Not only did it let us express service to one another but the kids loved the splashing and pouring and the warmth of the water.
- We'd hand out percussion instruments to play or ribbons on sticks to twirl during music/singing; dancing all around the church during praise time
- We told the Bible story in pictures, and we'd do it so that the pictures were set up in a line and we walked along, looked at the pictures and explored the story - movement, visual input, discussion (rather than being talked at)
- During prayer time we'd put out a big table of drawing and painting materials, so for those children who weren't very verbal they could be invited to express their prayers artistically
- And we'd always have fidget toys and stuff handy (little hand labyrinths were great to introduce them to a tactile prayer form and so forth too).

Now that's a basic outline and we tried different things and tried to tailor it to the children who came. But that gives you a sort of idea of the way we were approaching it.

Is that helpful?

Our_God_Reigns · Dec 3, 2016

designer mom said:
Hello, I am a 30 year old mother who has Aspergers. My husband also has it, as well as our 4 year old. We also have an 11 month old who is in early intervention. We have been largely unsuccessful at becoming a part of a church. Don't get me wrong, we've been able to technically attend a church, but we have remained more or less invisible, despite our efforts to become actual valued, participating members.

I can't really function in a church environment. I absolutely hate being in the sanctuary for any length of time. And then once I endure the sensory assault of the actual service and am just about completely shut down, I'm expected to somehow engage in this giant group social time in the lobby or wherever, where I can't even hear a word anyone is saying to me due to auditory processing disorder. My husband is in the same kind of boat, and we keep trying to deflect conversations to each other so that we don't have to try to manage them ourselves, all the while our 4 year old is having a melt down and/or trying to bolt from the building. I always leave feeling discouraged and like a huge failure.

Obviously, trying to develop any kind of meaningful relationship has not been possible under these conditions. I've tried to talk to different people at different churches, and it just hasn't gotten me anywhere. I get a wide range of responses, none of which offer to actually help me solve the problem of not connecting. *IF* I even get any kind of suggestion out of someone, it's typically to get more involved with church activities, which is obviously not going to help since it is the actual activities that are the problem.

How can I find a church that is willing to understand these sensory challenges, accept them for what they are, and actually try to help us to manage attendance and participation in some way? Is this even possible? Has any one had any kind of success with church?

Hi, since understanding that I have Asperger's I have fallen away but still seek God.

All I can say is that Asperger's does not define you. You and your relationship with God does. As an Asperger's person you know right and wrong. Neuro-Typical people get caught up in debate; we do not have too, what you believe is fact. We do love. You do not have to be accepted by those who do not accept you for being perfect. In his eyes we are perfection (in the eyes of God); he sent his son to make us this way.

We have nothing to apologise. If your Church is not right. Pray for it, Persuade it, Or leave it.

God bless

xxx

Offeiriad · Dec 4, 2016

Thank you Paidiske - that's really interesting. Thinking back to myself as an autistic child, some bits of your 'formula' would have been helpful, but overall I think I would have suffered serious sensory overload and had to flee! I'm curious: for autistic children you propose quite a lot of sensory experience, but earlier you described your fairly quiet church as being good because it avoided sensory overload (much needed in my case!) - a different approach for adults then?

Paidiske · Dec 4, 2016

Most or all of the children we had seemed to be sensory-seekers, so I guess we went that way because that's what worked for them. (One little boy's dad described him as a "sensory addict," and he was never happier than when he was elbows-deep in something interesting to touch!) And also because they weren't very verbal, giving them different ways to interact meant that there was usually something that each child connected with.

But if we'd had easily-overloaded children we could have gone in a different direction. I guess the main difference for adults is that usually you can tell us what you need and then we can make suggestions and adjustments!

The key thing is a community of people who are willing to work with you to make worship work for everyone, I guess.

Offeiriad · Dec 4, 2016

That's really interesting and helpful, Paidiske - thank you. You highlight the important truth than not everybody with autism has the same difficulties and needs, we need to be treated as individuals (like everybody else, really!), and encouraged to express our own needs as much as we can.

Paidiske · Dec 4, 2016

Glad to be of any help. And very interested to keep the discussion going, as my own daughter grows and I learn how to nurture her faith in ways that work for her.

Brennenstuhl · Mar 21, 2017

It probably helps that I have family in ministry at my church, but I'm well liked there, and an aspie as well. Honestly, what I've found is that while I'm generally liked there, I don't know a lot of people there. In my church life, however, I've found it's easiest to have a few people you particularly know well. There are three senior women there that I'm close to, aside from a few family members there, one of which has almost become something of a grandmother figure to me. I also think it'd be easier for you to connect in a small environment like a Sunday School class, and what has been said about a smaller church might work too. And as a bonus, having a few close relationships in the congregation can even lead to fulfilling spiritual mentorships or menteeships. I also hate to say it, but you may need to take a moment to tune out the service. And it may pay to single out a few people you like to talk to, and identify them before hand.

But yeah, long story short? I think the best way to handle this is to try to render down the group to its individual components.

LiljaLi · Apr 16, 2017

I'm glad I found this conversation! I struggle with fitting in and coping with church since it's not so "asperger-friendly". I easily blame myself and feel useless, and sometimes I'm disappointed in that no one seem to bother enough to welcome me even though I lack social skills. It all depends on me, if I wan't to be a part of a social group I have to take initatives (which is so difficult for me), if I wan't to attend service I have to put up with sensory overload etc etc. When listening to myself I sound bitter lol :-D.

I wish there where a support group for those struggling with mental illness, social disabilities, loneliness, or simply just being shy and in need of a calm invironment.

I also think that the church should take better care of those being different. If there are only the same kind of people and personalities in a gathering there will be no going forward, no development, no variety and not more than one perspective. We all have different needs, different periods of our lifes and many things to learn, where will all that be taken care of if all is plain and mainstream? And I don't think that is what Jesus would prefer, since the bible is referring to church as a body where all different parts play a role and where the body will not function if one part is left out.

How to successfully join a church?

How successful has your church experience been?

I am an accepted and valued member of my church.

I attend church, but have had some trouble connecting and participating.

I attend church, but remain largely invisible to most of the congregation.

I am still looking for a church that will accept me.

I have given up on the idea of finding a church that will accept me.

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