how often is normal?

Agreed here too!

JRSut1000 said:

Agreed here too!

Click to expand...

citizenthom said:

"Not enough" is when one spouse or both are physically or emotionally dissatisfied, AT ALL.

"Too much" is when one spouse or both is in physical pain...and that's about it.

"Normal" is irrelevant.

Click to expand...

Definitely the best answer!

I agree normal is for each individual what feels right for them..and even then that "normal" can wax and wane..

The best thing you can do is at the very least start off with a person that puts the same more or less "priority" on sex..as far as personal needs to feel emotionally connected and loved...because in marriage even though there is a physical satisfaction its more about (to me anyway) not just relieving horniness but reinforcing a bond..the bond that exist already..ONE way in which you connect or lets say a celebration of that connectidness as well as a reinforcment of oneness on top of physical pleasure..so if your the type that puts that as your #1 way to feel connected /loved and everything else is pretty much comes after..then marry someone who feels the same way..

I think its more important to have a meeting of the minds and a likeness in thinking about what sex IS to you what it represents to you and how important it is to you then the "amount" SHOULD be secondary and not only that more likely to be in synch with each other..If you both have it on the same more or less priority level there probably wouldnt be a whole lot of argument on how often you come together..

If your the type of person that feels unloved and rejected disconnected if your spouse doesnt want to have sex everyday(or even everytime you want to if thats cuts to the core ULTIMATE rejection)) ..then dont marry someone who says sex is important but I'm fulfilled with once or twice a week..and it doesnt really hurt their feelings if you dont want them everytime they want you ..thats a completely different priortiy on sex..

Maybe look at it in terms of whats a "healthy" amount of sex for you whats an unhealthy amount of sex for you (its overwhelming to have sex far more than you desire emotionally and physcally its not only about deprivation when its not "enough for you)..what your priority on sex is/ what does it mean to you ..then try and match that attitude with someone who thinks pretty closely to that..

This reminds me of a couple I read about..they had written a letter to a sex /relationship expert and wanted to know if they were "normal' or not...they felt they werent..They were both cerebral types..both research scientist..they worked side by side together spent like litterally almost every minute together..they enjoyed sharing their knowledge with one another ..they enjoyed the same food..and any entertainment but mostly they were very into their research they were liek "twinkies" one male and one female..they never bickered or argued....It was "funny' in sort of a sad funny way they thougt they were" abnormal" something was wrong with them becasue they never really thought all that much about sex..Sex just sort of "happened" very ocassionaly I mean like 3 times a year..almost made it sound like it was "an accident" when it happened..LOL>>>they enjoyed the sex too wasnt like they were "frigid" ..they just never really "thought about it'..they thought they SHOULD be having more sex..that they should WANT to have more sex but they really didnt..So they felt "abmormal"..

Of course the expert told them something to the affect if it aint broke dont fix it..LOL!!but the point was they were of "like mind"..on what sex MEANT about their love for one another and apparrently it really was on the bottom of the list..as far as showign expressing love and being a companion ..that was THEIR normal..

All they looked at was the 'amount" and had the thought.."thats not normal"..

Anyway ..ramble ramble..

Dallas

It all depends on the couple and what each person feels is right. Sex is not the only important aspect of marriage. In fact, it is far less important than many people make it out to be. Also, frequency of sex is not nearly as important as quality of sex in a marriage.

The last comment wouldn't have worked for me. I think sex is very important in marriage. I can do almost everything else, cook, repair the house, pay the bills ... its intimacy and sex that stands out as the unique in a marriage relationship.

Normal is relative to the; quality of the relatiionship, mental state of couple, age, health, etc... There are books that are 100s of pages long that try to discus normal. I hope you and your future spouse have fun finding the normal that is right for you.

It is a personal oppinion. What's too much for one person may not be much for another. I don't really care much for sex - I used to. I used to addicted to masturbation and pornography. I have the good Lord to thank for delivering me from it.

Sexual relations between a husband and wife is always to be consensual, according to need. Each is called to "serve" the other in this area and should do so with a desire to care for their spouse. But each is also called to consider the other through knowing their preferences in this area. If there is mutual consent... There is no "magic number" - the main thing is to be engaged in caring for each other - not just yourself.

(staff edit)

It can change from couple to couple, but to what degree?

A couple who mas sex 3 times a week might be around the same quality as one who has sex once a week, maybe... But how many couples who have it 1 or 3 times a week have the same quality of marriage as those who have it once a month? Very few I'd imagine.

Married people should also realize that when one partner wants it less than the other, and forces that lesser frequency on the other, it causes problems. Argue about this until your face turns blue. How married people have posted about problems with having too much sex as opposed to too little?

SilkRainn said:

It can change from couple to couple, but to what degree?

A couple who mas sex 3 times a week might be around the same quality as one who has sex once a week, maybe... But how many couples who have it 1 or 3 times a week have the same quality of marriage as those who have it once a month? Very few I'd imagine.

Married people should also realize that when one partner wants it less than the other, and forces that lesser frequency on the other, it causes problems. Argue about this until your face turns blue. How married people have posted about problems with having too much sex as opposed to too little?

Click to expand...

I would disagree with this statement. Even though there have been times when once a month frequency was the best we could do (his illness, my mother's death, an enforced separation due to a job change), the QUALITY of the marriage is dependent on so much more than just the frequency of intercourse.

My X wanted sex daily. The marriage was a disaster. The frequency didn't change the fact that he was an abusive jerk.

Now, I've been married just about 14 years. Our "average" is maybe once a week, sometimes even less. BUT the quality of our marriage is excellent. There's so much more to take into consideration...sex is maybe 1% of a marital relationship. But...then again, we're in our late 40's and he has an illness that causes him constant, chronic pain and he's on some pretty heavy duty narcotics...I work full time, take care of him and go to school full time. Sometimes, life just wears us out.

I think that really depends on you and where you are in your marriage as well as mental and physical health.

There is no such thing as normal its just something people use to feel normal when we all are flawed and far from it. Pay little attention to normal and more attention to what you are saying to you and what your spouse is.

SearchingStudent said:

I would disagree with this statement. Even though there have been times when once a month frequency was the best we could do (his illness, my mother's death, an enforced separation due to a job change), the QUALITY of the marriage is dependent on so much more than just the frequency of intercourse.

Click to expand...

I took his statement a different way, meaning that intercourse being rare is a sign of a problem in a marriage, not that that it is a cure-all for marriage problems.

I'd say that's a rule of thumb, but we all age and health can deteriorate. A couple in their '80's may not be as 'active' as a younger couple, even if their marriage is much healthier.

iambren said:

Our marriage counselor said that 2X/week is a reasonable minimum.

Click to expand...

Interesting advice! I've never known a counselor to actually state an amount, since it can widely fluctuate!

There is no 'normal' but there are surely national averages, but who wants to be average? Whatever works for the two of you is the exact, most perfect amount.

I think a more clear way to say it is that in general, couples who rarely have sex, have a lower quality of marriage than couples who have frequent sex.

Read the forums for a while. You see frequent posts about one spouse complaining about not enough sex. Very few posts complaining about too much. Again, key words here are "in general."

Its true there isn't a specific answer for this. But you also need to realize when your first married you tend to do it every second of the day, but as times goes on and you get older, the frequnecy will change.

I know many couples when I talked about this elsewhere that said the spent months, if not a year or more every day having sex. Theres lots of factors like do you both work. Kids. Periods...etc.

The only time I woudl worry is when you first marry but have it like once a month. To me thats not normal unless you both agreed and are into that. Remember God says to the man that his body is not his own, its his wife. And like wise for the woman. So to deny sex is not good to do.

I keep trying to convince my wife normal is at least once a day, she's not buying it. The frequency of sex is not that important, its the meeting of each others needs and the initimacy between you that is more important. There are times when sex is just not possible for health reasons or tiredness due to work, children etc. But falling to sleep together and just being close is nearly always possible and much more important.

lovegodsgrace said:

I know married couples who have it 3 times a week and twice a day.

What is too much, and what is not enough?

Click to expand...

What ever is most comfortable for you and your spouse.

But falling to sleep together and just being close is nearly always possible and much more important.

Click to expand...

Yes I am single (soon to be married), but that is so true. My friend whos not a christian asked if I am looking forward to non-stop sex on my honeymoon (hes blunt). I told him I think all people look forward to sex on the honeymoon and through the marriage, but its not that important.

As you said just sleeping next to your spouse is wonderful. At this point I could care about even having sex on the honeymoon. I just want to give my fiance a big hug, hold her hands and look into her eyes all day. Its about companionship for me. Sex is just a bonus that God gave us!