Melee said:
Ok, my girlfriend and I took things a step farther last night. As you are aware, we were already having sex as of the second date. As I've discussed, it is my believe that sex is sufficiently important to a relationship that the parties should engage in it early to ensure that they are compatible.
We went to her friend's house and started drinking. We all had a little bit too much to drink, and my girlfriend and I started fooling around on the couch. Things continued to advance and, well, it happened. We had sex on the couch and the friend participated. I feel horrible about it now because I know that is not right, but I can't help the fact that I enjoyed it. I'm terribly conflicted now. I want to do what is right by god, but I'm just not sure that celibacy is for me. We need to explore our sexual needs and desires in order to know what we want out of a relationship.
I'm glad that you are here to get advice and trying to do the right thing, but I must admit that I am pretty confused by some of your statements. You say that you want to do what is right by Christian standards, but then you put your own interpretation of what makes a good relationship above what is clearly stated in the bible. If you truly want to do what is right by Christian standards, then I believe you should put God first and then try to make your life closer to what He asks of you. If you always begin with Him instead of you then you are much less likely to make the wrong decision.
I believe that sexual compatibility has been exaggerated in our current society. I don't buy in to the idea that people who truly love each other can be sexually incompatible and miserable after marriage. There are a great many aspects of married life that you can never be fully prepared for until you undertake them. The way to explore these kinds of things is as a married couple. You must work together to find a compromise that brings happiness to both of you.
When you are only at the dating level, I think it is especially important to leave lust out of the situation. You must realize that physical attraction is not the basis for a sound realtionship. If you want this relationship to last for a lifetime, you are going to need a lot more than sex. The courting period before marriage is an important time for nurtuting a healthy relationship that can only be accomplished by communicating with each other and sharing experiences. By specifically not focusing on the physical, you can enhance and strengthen your mental and spiritual relationship and understanding of each other. Only after this type of realtionship has reached maturity are you ready for a lifelong commitment of marriage and then sex. When you have sex with a person, you become more intimate with that person than is intended outside of marriage. You become one flesh with them. A part of you will always be with them and a part of them always with you. This is not a commitment to take lightly or to experiment with prospects.
While we are here, I feel I must say my peace on drinking as well. While I don't feel that alcohol is inherently bad and that drinking a little has very little effect, I also believe that it is all too often abused. Drinking alcohol depresses the nervous system resulting in slower reaction, less sensory awareness, and reduced ability to make good decisions. There is also the psychological effect that people who believe they are "under the influence" tend to feel less responsible for their actions, thus reducing their decision-making ability even more. I think your unfortunate encounter is excellent proof that while your mind was inhibited, you did something that you knew was wrong and did not want to do (at least in your higher thinking). You were following, instead, your physical desires and temptations.
I hope that this has been helpful. I think if you truly love God then you will obey Him over your urges. If you truly love your gf, then I don't think sexual compatibility will be a problem. But it is important to communicate your feelings and desires with her. You should discuss what you are feeling and thinking so that you better understand each other. Between the two of you and God you should work to understand what is right and wrong and set specific limits for yourselves. While in a perfect world there would be no need for a line, I believe that in the real world, having a line to not cross can be helpful. Knowing exactly what you will not do will make it easier. If you do cross the line, then just pick yourself up and try again. For we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. To help you not cross that line, you should also avoid situations where temptation occurs. In other words, try not to be in places and situations where it is easy to do things you believe are wrong, especially if you are tempted to do them. In your case, I think this would specifically mean avoiding alcohol. But that's just my opinion.
Good luck in your search for truth and understanding.