How do you know if she/he is the one?

Jupiter Drops · Jun 28, 2014

Tell me, MCs of the forum.
How do you know if she/he is the one?

DZoolander · Jun 28, 2014

There really is no such thing as "the one".

Rather - think of compatibility like the bell curve back in school. There's a tiny group of people that you're going to really detest on one end of the spectrum, and there's an equally tiny group of people that you're truly compatible with on the other. In the middle is a huge group that you're KINDA compatible with.

The trick is to get as far on the right of the curve as possible, without wasting too much of your life in the process.

ValleyGal · Jun 28, 2014

Personally, I got to know myself well enough that I knew exactly what qualities and characteristics would be a suitable match for me. Then I did not let my feelings get in the way of sound judgement. When getting to know people, I was very strategic about asking the right kinds of questions that would help to elicit responses that would show whether a person had the qualities I knew would be good for me. When I found the qualities, I decided I could live with the package the qualities came in (his appearance) and we are very happily married - a very good match.

rob57 · Jun 28, 2014

When you both know each other enough that you know all their faults and deficiencies, yet find that you would gladly spend your lives with each other just the same.

coachcj · Jun 29, 2014

ValleyGal said:
Personally, I got to know myself well enough that I knew exactly what qualities and characteristics would be a suitable match for me. Then I did not let my feelings get in the way of sound judgement. When getting to know people, I was very strategic about asking the right kinds of questions that would help to elicit responses that would show whether a person had the qualities I knew would be good for me. When I found the qualities, I decided I could live with the package the qualities came in (his appearance) and we are very happily married - a very good match.

ValleyGal just gave you the best response.

I am also encouraged by her response as well because it validates our relationship referral platform. The foundation to finding long term lasting relationships must never begin by searching for people, rather, it begins from a deep introspection (inside look) that helps you answer these two questions:
1. Who really am I?
2. What are my present and likely future interests?
If you get both questions correct, you will know whether a person is a right match for you or not.

Inkachu · Jun 30, 2014

When you immediately take your relationship, your hopes, dreams, and plans, before the throne of God and submit it totally to Him from day 1, and then continually do that day after day as you're courting...

AND He is continually giving you what I call "green lights" about the relationship. Blessing it, helping it grow, drawing you closer to each other AND TO HIM through the development of it.

There should be no sin, no doubt, no mind games, no forcefulness, no manipulation. The love should take on a life of its own and grow with a natural ease. You should feel as though you've always known each other. It should be comfortable to be around each other.

Lastly, as things progress into more serious territory, and marriage is on the horizon, you should be able to sit down and discuss the weightier matters of the future; finances, children, household duties, where to live, etc, without fights, arguments, or resentments. You should be of one mind, able to disagree without fighting, able to compromise, able to relent and give in once in a while, able to pick your battles wisely.

And always... always... holding the OTHER person as more important than yourself.

BeautifulLove · Jun 30, 2014

You just know.

Can you see them with anyone else? Do they make you feel so loved? Can you see yourself with anyone else? Do you know their faults can you live with them all? Do they really get you and can hold a conversation with you for hours?

Disagreements and sometimes fighting are completely normal. It helps you think deeper about things that mean a lot to you. It helps you understand exactly what you want or what they want. It helps you even know if you are being honest with each other in your feelings for one another or for situations.

Whatever you do, stay honest! About everything. If something bothers you about your past, express it. If something bothers you about your girlfriend/boyfriend then ask about it. If it still bothers you, keep talking about it until you have a clear understanding. Forgive.

I would ask the harder questions earlier into the relationship. Do they want children, do they even want a marriage, where do they want to live, etc...

The biggest one on my list was do they believe in God? If not, I would move on.

NothingIsImpossible · Jul 1, 2014

I agree theres not "the one" sort of. I believe God has "one" for you in your current time and place. As we go on and choices we make us go down diffrent routes, God may have us still pursue someone. Or He may have someone else become the person for us. Its just up to us to navigate the right way to get to that person.

As for knowing if the person is the one you think God has for you at the present time... in all honesty its not easy to know. I can say once I met my wife I just "knew". But until you find your spouse its hard to explain how "I just knew" is diffrent then everyone else I "just knew" was the one.

In the past the "I just knew" was actually myself and not God telling me it. But with my wife I felt diffrent. For once I knew it wasn't actually me, I knew it was actually God. He didn't shout in my head "Hey, shes the one to pursue!". Its many things that He did to make me understand.

For starters when I first talked to her I had a feeling I had never felt before. And again I can't explain it because it may sound like every other feeling until you actually feel it. I also prayed alot and fasted for Gods confirmation. I think Inkachu said it best. There are red flags in my past that I should have noticed but kept ignoring. Where as with my wife i was nothing but green flags. It felt stress free.

puregrl · Jul 16, 2014

I agree, you just kind of know. You feel different around that person, excited, happy. You share all your hopes and dreams with them. They are like a best friend, you feel just special and different when you are together.

contango · Jul 16, 2014

EZoolander said:
There really is no such thing as "the one".

Rather - think of compatibility like the bell curve back in school. There's a tiny group of people that you're going to really detest on one end of the spectrum, and there's an equally tiny group of people that you're truly compatible with on the other. In the middle is a huge group that you're KINDA compatible with.

The trick is to get as far on the right of the curve as possible, without wasting too much of your life in the process.

This is a really great way of putting it.

I've rejected the idea that there is "the one" for me for many years now. The idea that there is just one person out there who is perfectly suited to me is, in my opinion, very damaging. Firstly it suggests that I only have one chance at marital happiness and I'd better not marry anyone other than that one perfect person, and secondly it's very easy to see how it would lead to unhappiness within a marriage if someone else seems to be a perfect match for me. If my marriage is going through a tough time, someone else appears and it looks as if a life with her would be perfect, then the whole concept of "the one" could easily leave me wondering whether I'd got it wrong and married the wrong person, and this person really is "the one".

I figure that if you love someone to the point you couldn't imagine your life without them in it, and if they love you in the same way, you're both willing to accept each other as you really are (warts and all), and you're both willing to commit to working to keep your love alive even when you don't really feel like it, you're probably onto a good thing.

LinkH · Jul 17, 2014

I don't think the idea of there being one person out there who is 'the one' is the right way of looking at it. I remember a Sunday school teacher at a church I visited as a teenager having this theory that there is one woman out there for every one man based on the story of Adam and Eve. But what do you do in cases where there is a widow or a widower who gets remarried? If everyone had 'the one, why would widows and widowers be allowed, according to the Bible, to remarry.

On the other hand, we do see God working in Isaac's case to lead Abraham's servant to a very specific person for him to marry. So there can be a 'the one' and God can lead us to that person, too. In mine and my wife's case, I believe the Lord wanted us to marry each other, and we both kind of sensed that this may be the case pretty soon after we had our first conversation. After we got engaged, she showed me a prayer she'd written about it in her prayer journal that day we met.

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 18, 2014

EZoo said it well. There is no such thing as "the one." Many people could be compatible with us, to varying degrees, especially if we are mentally rather flexible. I knew I wanted Mike, though, when I was telling him all about my messed up history, and it didn't scare him off. He said, "We can't live to be our age without having a past." Some people might argue that the greatest predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. But he believed me, and he gave me a chance. I hope I haven't disappointed him.

Tzav · Jul 20, 2014

My story -- our story -- is from the dregs of having been reared in and continuing in a cult, in which we were brainwashed into the idea what the only successful marriage was one that began with members of the church and continued in the church. Marrying outside that church meant sure divorce; any divorce and remarriage meant hell for yourself and your children.

Fortunately, some of such survive and actually go on to success. But it takes tenacity. You have to have the guts to survive, the determination to see the marriage become a success. Such marriages are not for the spineless. The two must have the absolute will to see it through to success, to that what comes out in the end is something that is good, sure, and worth the fight.

Thunder Peel · Jul 21, 2014

This pretty much sums it up:

One Incredible Woman - YouTube

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