How do you keep from going crazy?!?

BlessingsROnMe · Jun 23, 2007

I have three kids and I have been known to be stressed to the max. My question is HOW DO YOU DO IT?? With my first I did great for the first year and a half or so and then I started getting stressed. I was pregnant with my second and supposed it to be hormones and her coming close to the "terrible twos". But then when the second was born I stressed even more....basically to the point of feeling sick. Then I found out I was pregnant again when my second was 14 months old and I was stressed more. Basically for the past 3 and half years I have been so insainly stressed. I do have time of relief, but generally there have not been many days that the kids are around that I have not at some point during the day been so stressed that I started yelling and/or spanking hard or excessively. I do not like being that way and I want to change and I know God can and will help me but I was just wanting to see if others have gone through or are going through this and what you do to help or prevent it.
I love my kids and I want to enjoy them not be stressed by them.

annaapple · Jun 23, 2007

Check out the sticky on non-punitive discipline just under here! It's a long thread, but it is worth finding the time to read through as there are lots of helpful hints and inspiring stories from lots of moms just struggling to get through and do the best they can by their kids.

Speaking for myself, I am far from perfect (the other day I asked my son why he was shouting and he told me that I did too ) but since I have started the process of trying more grace-based parenting techniques I find I am A LOT less stressed - and the same goes for the kids. In general our house is a much calmer, happier place.

You might also like the Gentle Christian Mothers website. And as I keep recommending, the book How to Really Parent Your Child by Ross Campbell, which is not fully non-punitive but really supportive and might suit you better if you believe in punishment having a role to play.

Hope that helps! And 'cos it's not easy, is it?

lottepotte · Jun 29, 2007

I have been in the same boat with You! I love my kids, I am longing to have Gods best in our home and that means Gods real righteousness, peace and joy. But I have been so stressed out that I have not been able to act after convictions I had about raising my kids first years with my first baby. First of all I have realized its because on my own wrong decisions taking on me many wrong responsibilities. I love God and used to be very dedicated christian. I used to work much. I understood I must realize I am valuable even apart of works and every little thing I do for my family is very important. I learn to obey and trust God in smallest things. After some personal tragedies before I got married I see how God is restoring me step by step and I can get more and more control over my body and emotions again. I have understood that second importand thing in this matter after obeying God is to take good care of my health (giving myself rest, sleeping and eating properly and avoiding unnessessary responsibilities).

So I wach that I can pray and have personal relationship with God, that I get word of God in my heart every day and that I take good care of myself. Then I am able to be better mother to my kids God has trusted to me.

I give you also a word I speak to myself often:
Proverbs 31:26
She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

May God strengthen you by His word!

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 5, 2007

Thank you all for your advice. God has really been helping me. First off he let me have another week vacation in which my kids stayed with my parents. Also he has sent people by my path that has been helpful even though they do not know my anything about me having been stressed. I also started reading the book, "How to train up your child". It has been very insiteful.
Thank you all again.

Jilly123 · Jul 7, 2007

I'm glad things seem to be getting better for you. You are in my prayers.

I only have one daughter (18 months) and even I get stressed out.

I'm so glad your parents could take your kids and give you a little break. Fortunately I have a mother and father who absolutely adore her and she adores my them. Fortunately my parents don't live too far away so my baby goes and stays with them for a couple of nights about once every 4 or 5 weeks (more often if my mother has her way!).

I realize that not all grandmothers are so willing to take their grandchildren. Mine is her only grandchild that lives in the same country and she is a real doting grandmother (she even speaks on the phone to my daughter at least every other day!). I thank the Lord all the time for my wonderful parents.

Sabertooth · Jul 7, 2007

What you have begun in the Spirit, you can't maintain in the flesh [Gal. 3:3].

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." Jas. 1:5

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Php. 4:6, 7

"[God] wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on [Him]: because he trusteth in [Him]." Isa. 26:3 KJV

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 7, 2007

thank you both for the encouragement.
Thankfully my parents enjoy having the kids for the most part. Sometimes they even call me up and say that they want to come get them. But even with them after a week of having them are eager to get them back to me...hehe. They do good for a couple of days. They only have them for a few days at a time when we are out of town....well for the most part. Which lately that has been pretty common. They have had them for several days(3 or more) on three different occations in the past 6 or so months. But for the most part it is just a night or two every couple of weeks or so.
I look at how patient my husband is with them and a part of me thinks man maybe he should stay home with them and me work and then a part of me thinks, well if he was with them all of the time then he would possibly be the way that I have been known to be. I don't know...he is pretty patient. He never gets really angry or irritated. I admire him.

Sabertooth · Jul 7, 2007

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young." Isa. 40:11

RoseofLima · Jul 8, 2007

Oh- geez, I can totally relate! To be honest one of the things which has helped me the most is anti-depressant medication. It's not for everyone, but it is certainly for me. It has helped me to be able to take a step back to enable me to implement the changes I want to make in order to have a much better life as a family.

To be very honest Train Up a Child is one those books that I find very scary. I have found How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen... to be of much more value in terms of long term parenting than any other book out there.

jecruz7 · Jul 10, 2007

Trust me hun, I totally know how you feel. I as well have three kids, all girls...ages 3, 2 and 1 month. I think its amazing you feel this way as well because I have been feeling so convicted as to my yelling/spanking out of anger as well too.

jecruz7 · Jul 10, 2007

How do you know which medicine is right for you? Can I take an anti depressant while breastfeeding? Also, will it really help with how I seem to freak out on the kids?

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 10, 2007

I do not plan on using meds to combat this problem. Nothing personal to you or anything but I think meds are just a way to cover the problem...not fix it. Plus EVERY person that I have known that are/ have been on anti-depressants(which trust me that is a lot....basically everyone in my family and all my friends outside of church) seem more wacked out while on them. Maybe this is not the case for you....I am just going by what I have seen year after year with the various anti-depressents out there. I think for me personally I would rather just fix what is causing the problem and not just mask it. Such as if the problem is with me....change it....if the problem is with my kids....figure out how to change it.......which honestly I think it has been both. Today we had a nice talk after I blew up and I think we have finally reached a new level. My kids have been loving on me more than normal and I have not been yelling and spanking. Anytime they started acting up I just reminded them of the talk that we had earlier, which basically summed up was that to combat this we all need to work together and if they do not want mommy to be outraged, they need to go out of their way to help me by not doing things that will push me over the edge and I likewise need to control myself better....which like I said earlier, I believe we have finally reached a new level. I feel like God is helping control my emotions and likewise he is helping my kids to not push me over the edge. So basically ever since we talked this moring, we have had a good day. So we are making way to a new, better, happier life....and I praise God for it!
Yesterday I fellowshipped with a friend that has seven kids and she really encouraged me. I had started the morning out horrible and was to the end of my rope and she really ministered to me. I thank God for her. She is such a sweety, she said if I ever just need a break to bring the kids over and she would watch them....can you believe it? She has seven of her own and she is offering to watch my three????? WOW!! That is amazing! I admire her. But I am growing up so to speak and I too will be able to be available to others like she has been for me.
Also I will be fellowshipping with a tramendously wise mother of three later this week and I am eager for her insite. Well that is my update, I have not gone crazy and do not plan on it! *wink*
Glory to God!!

sparassidae · Jul 11, 2007

We have certainly gone through some rough patches over the last few years when all we seemed to do was shout at each other Sometimes this has been because of outside stresses that were out of our control eg undiagnosed food intolerances, undiagnosed diabetes, husband working long hours and not home very much etc.

A few things:

Pray, pray, and pray some more. Pour out your heart to God and he will help you.
We really worked on creating a 'team'. We call ouselves a team and remind all of us that we need to work together 'as a team', that 'this is not how a team behaves' etc. Our 7yo and 5yo have really taken this on board.
When things are at their most stressful I find it helps to find a quiet spot (I usually have to lock myself in the toilet ) and just remember some better times. Especially remember what they looked like as babies, when it seemed like they could do nothing wrong. Remind myself of all their great achievements, and how much their behaviour has actually improved over time.
We have a really supportive group of mothers at church. We meet together weekly for a chat/play time and we have got to the point of total honesty. We can admit that we totally 'lost it' with our children, and know we will find support, sympathy and prayer, not condemnation or judgement. That helps a lot.

Hope this helps.

RoseofLima · Jul 11, 2007

jecruz7 said:
How do you know which medicine is right for you? Can I take an anti depressant while breastfeeding? Also, will it really help with how I seem to freak out on the kids?

After doing a lot of research-- I decided that the only one I'd feel comfortable taking while nursing is Zoloft (I actually take the $10 generic). When baby weans around age 1 1/2 or 2, I'm probably going to switch to Wellbutrin.

It has helped me immensely to be able to take that step back so I can reprogram myself to respond with out blowing up.

I have PTSD from childhood trauma- and so my brain just doesn't really work right..what happens is that without medication when I encounter even minor stress, my brain reacts as though all stress is major and sort of kicks into a hyper fight or flight response. The medication has allowed me the ability to implement the changes that years of couselling and prayer and fasting led me to know I needed to make, but just couldn't no matter how much I tried. I just really didn't have the ability on my own to make those changes.

If I had a heart that didn't work properly, I wouldn't hesitate to take necessary medication--it turns out that I have a brain that doesn't work properly.

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 11, 2007

sparassidae said:
We have certainly gone through some rough patches over the last few years when all we seemed to do was shout at each other Sometimes this has been because of outside stresses that were out of our control eg undiagnosed food intolerances, undiagnosed diabetes, husband working long hours and not home very much etc.

A few things:

Pray, pray, and pray some more. Pour out your heart to God and he will help you.

We really worked on creating a 'team'. We call ouselves a team and remind all of us that we need to work together 'as a team', that 'this is not how a team behaves' etc. Our 7yo and 5yo have really taken this on board.

When things are at their most stressful I find it helps to find a quiet spot (I usually have to lock myself in the toilet ) and just remember some better times. Especially remember what they looked like as babies, when it seemed like they could do nothing wrong. Remind myself of all their great achievements, and how much their behaviour has actually improved over time.

We have a really supportive group of mothers at church. We meet together weekly for a chat/play time and we have got to the point of total honesty. We can admit that we totally 'lost it' with our children, and know we will find support, sympathy and prayer, not condemnation or judgement. That helps a lot.

Hope this helps.

I like the ideas that you gave....thank you
Today has been a GREAT day! Seriously.....I have not been stressed. I have not spanked or yelled at the kids, if they acted up I just talked with them and it changed. SOOOO much easier than before! I wish I would have grasp this before. I just pray that I can stick with it, even if we are put in what COULD be stressful situations. Like my husband says...."We have a choice as to how we react in a situation. We choose our feelings....our feelings do not choose us." That is a very true statement.
I am so thankful to God for how today has been. I have gotten more cleaning done today than I have in the last week and I have been able to work on some stuff that has been put on the back burner for awhile. Today really has been a great day and I suppose that tomorrow will be even better! Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement! And I pray the same tranquility for you and your family.

RoseofLima · Jul 11, 2007

BlessingsROnMe said:
I like the ideas that you gave....thank you
Today has been a GREAT day! Seriously.....I have not been stressed. I have not spanked or yelled at the kids, if they acted up I just talked with them and it changed. SOOOO much easier than before! I wish I would have grasp this before. I just pray that I can stick with it, even if we are put in what COULD be stressful situations. Like my husband says...."We have a choice as to how we react in a situation. We choose our feelings....our feelings do not choose us." That is a very true statement.
I am so thankful to God for how today has been. I have gotten more cleaning done today than I have in the last week and I have been able to work on some stuff that has been put on the back burner for awhile. Today really has been a great day and I suppose that tomorrow will be even better! Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement! And I pray the same tranquility for you and your family.

What a great praise!! That's so wonderful!!

beverhome · Jul 12, 2007

Hi,
I have five kids and never had anyone to help other than being forceful to people when I was having a baby. Our family is not "able" to watch them and friends running screaming at the idea of watching five kids.
I also stay at home and homeschool while my husband works a min of ten hours a day. And the early years were rougher because I did not give myself breaks during the day and was mom non stop.
It is very important to find something you do just for yourself. Even if you can only have five minutes to sit down and do it you should. Reading a book you can escape into or a movie. Craft project or something on the computer. The main thing is make sure you feel like you are doing something for yourself and not always everyone else. No one else will realize how important it is but it is just for you so they do not have to understand.

April

RedTulipMom · Jul 12, 2007

BlessingsROnMe said:
I do have time of relief, but generally there have not been many days that the kids are around that I have not at some point during the day been so stressed that I started yelling and/or spanking hard or excessively.

I am rather shocked that nobody else's response seemed too concerned about the fact that you admit to abusing your children almost daily! This is plain wrong and its something you need to deal with immediately. This is hurting your children both physically and emotionally! Do whatever it takes to STOP hitting your children as a stress response. I know i get STRESSED with my 3 children but my response to the stress has never ONCE been to haul off and start hitting them. That is soooo wrong! i hope you could just come to a point of deciding you will NEVER AGAIN hit your children out of your own anger or stress! If you leave an open door to do it even occasionally ..YOU WILL. so STOP IT! Big people are supposed to protect little people, not HURT them. Sorry if this sounds harsh...but this really upset me when i read it because i hate poor innocent children being hurt. You need to get some counseling, get on some meds..and do whatever it takes to STOP this awful behavior! i will be praying for you and your children. huggs.

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 16, 2007

First off, I do not abuse my children. I really hope that you do not think that spanking your children is abuse. If you do then I would highly recommend reading the Word of God on the matter. Remember we are supposed to "not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God."(Matt 4:4)
The Word of God is the Bible.

Pro 22:15
Foolishness [is] bound in the heart of a child; [but] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Pro 23:13

Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

Pro 29:15

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.

BlessingsROnMe · Jul 16, 2007

Well here is an update. Things have continued to be great. I thank God for it. I am actually looking forward to tommorrow because I can just spend time with them instead of cleaning all day. They have been helping maintain the house which means less for me to do and that equates to less stress and more time with them. I am excited! Praise God!

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