How do you feel that God has used...

jynx · May 14, 2008

How do you feel that God has used your manic depressiveness (is that even a word?) for His glory? How do you feel that being bipolar has hindered you in your walk with Christ?

Okay people, I know there bipolar Christain people out there...and this folder in the forum should be waaaay more active than it is...and I CAN TALK FOREVER... <giggle> and I can start a million and one threads.... I am reminded of the Wendy's commerical..."if you build it, they will come" When ya all get sick of me and start posting yer own threads I will hush up.

We are such an overlooked (anyone with a difference/disability is, not just bipolar people) group of Christians. Often disabled people are dismissed as useless, broken or freakish because of their differences. We (the disbled community) have alot to offer, alot to share and alot to GIVE. God created us this way for a reason and it is up to us to make the best of what He gave us. I am reminded of the parable of the stewards.... how He gave one man 10, another 5 and the last on only one. The first two went out and made the best of what the master had given them and put there money (talents) to good work. They brought more back than they had started off with and they were rewarded. The last guy, only having one, wanted to protect what little he had, and thought it was uselss....so he burried it. I sometimes feel like the dude with one quater. Why should I have to do anything? I only have so many marbles in place! I only have sooo much energy today! Isn't it good enough that I simply HOLD ONTO what Christ gave me? I mean, after all...He didn't give me the full basket of marbles to start off with!!!

Then I am reminded of that parable. Whe He has given me He expects me to do more with, to multiply. I enlarge. To expand.

and of course, as I am typing this I am manic. take it for what you see in it. I felt lead to share this morning.

**hugs***

Alive again · May 14, 2008

I am more sensitive to others and their needs, a good listener, cause I have been there, I have traveled some money challenged times and can understand better the poor and their thinking and challenges. I tend to nurture others with differences and am fortunate to be among a church populated with many others with illness disabilities and full of acceptance. My faith is deeper as it has stood the test of over 30 years of suicidality and has stood up to this test. This illness has allowed me to ponder deeper questions of faith and life, to go deeper with others and thru this many ministry opportunities have developed. I can truly love unconditionally better (not perfectly mind you , I am still human) my son in particular. I have had to think clearly about my own thoughts, and spend more time with God. I am more driven and more accomplished and motivated. Tis enough for now. . .

jynx · May 14, 2008

So I posed this question and now I am having to think about it.

Really think about it.

I am with AliveAgain on how I think being bipolar has been useful. I think I see things other people miss... like people in need, or in pain... I pick up on the more subtle "hints" or "clues" that something is wrong...LMBO, after all I spend me entire existance studying what is normal and trying to emulate it... so I outa know when something isn't normal! And I have alot of been there's done that's too... so I am less judgemental because of being haivng those bipolar oopses.

what has hindered me, i think, is the fear of judgemental stares and ignorant words spoken by haughty people. my self esteem is in the gutter, and it takes so very, very little to make me retreat to the corner and cry and pout over something that is trivial to a normie. There are times (alot of times) I just don't think i am good enough for the task. I see all my past mistakes and think, if I start this or do that it will just end in another disappointment/disaster/mistake/mess. I pull the Moses thing alot... you know... don't send me, I am impaired, send my brother Aaron cuz he can speak better than me. I also stop and start things alot...with out finishing them.. I have a follow through issue... and I am not sure I can use being bipolar for my reasoning on this... i think i just get bored easy. *shrug* dunno

When has being "different" opened up doors for you to be able to witness to someone that might not have been there if you had been a normie?

I have to think on that one a bit...

4Everloved · May 14, 2008

Just reading these posts and soaking them in. I'm enjoying your threads, jynx. Sometimes I just enjoy reading and thinking and have to digest things without sharing my mind.

I'm so glad you're here, jynx, and you are absolutely right. It's always shocked me that this part of the forum is not more active. There certainly are many who could benefit.

This happens to be my favorite place to visit, but sometimes I just read and don't post anything.

You know what I was thinking this morning? I bet there are hundreds of people who visit and read and never post a word. And yet they still benefit from being here. Think about it. This is a ministry in itself.

Alaskamomma · May 14, 2008

For a while I felt like God spit on me when I found out I had bipolar. My daughter has it as I have said in another thread, so I have felt God has spit on me twice. But then when my daughter starts telling me what she is thinking in her head and then she says "no one understands me." I have been able to tell her I do and then share my experiences with her. She then realizes that she is not alone in this world. To me, that is how I feel God has used me... to be there for my baby.

dowoplover · May 14, 2008

You guys are getting to me. You hit the nail square on the head about studying normal all my life and knowing when something is wrong with someone else.

I used to be able to write but I cannot seem to put pen to paper since I started on the meds. Small price to pay! I do not let other people get me down (maybe a guy thing) but I certainly understand where you are coming from. I am the type who would normaly cruise through these posts and not add anything, but something touched me when I started reading. You may get tired of hearing my voice. Thanks for letting me vent.

rushingwind62 · May 14, 2008

God uses all of us and our experiences in the recovery threads. We help one another by simply sharing our experiences and by encouraging those who are down and struggling. We learn more about our disorder and ourselves as we share and read these threads. I know I have learned from others input. You know, what has and has not worked for them. I know many are able to discuss with Dr's what options they have when it comes to medications and lifestyle changes. I think this is what being a christian is all about and the rest of CF and even some of our home churches should take notice. We may be few that post in here but Gideons army was few. And to the few victory was given!!!

Alive again · May 14, 2008

Wonderful thread jinx!

jynx · May 14, 2008

Nice to meet you!

"You guys are getting to me. You hit the nail square on the head about studying normal all my life and knowing when something is wrong with someone else. "

So you are a people watcher too? NEAT! I've gotten too good at it..It is annoying in a way because people often say one thing and their body lanuage says another. You know how it has been said that Doctor's only listen for the first 15 seconds on the visit?? Watch their body lanugage... you can tell when they stop listening because of their change in posture (their shoulders slump slightly) and the slight (very slight) difference in their tone of voice.*ugh* but ya know, it has come in handy a few times too. I've picked up on a few things other people have missed and was able to help someone out that would have been otherwise over looked.

Look forward to hearing from you again D!

jynx · May 14, 2008

It is soo nice to meet you Alaskamomma! *****hugs**** I hope you are doing well today.

I just didn't think spit, I though of something that rhymed with that word when it finally sunk in I had a mental illness. (that was several years after the actual dx lol)

I think it is awesome that you can share things like this with your daughter! I really truly do! Not only do you understand the bipolar side of things but you know your daughter's personality inside and out. The way she thinks, the things that make her happy/sad/angry, you know and understand the way she communicates. You are a great strength to her. I wish I had had a mother who understood....maybe I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes I did growing up (I'm still gorwing up at 30 something)

jynx · May 14, 2008

rushingwind62 said:
....We may be few that post in here but Gideons army was few. And to the few victory was given!!!

*giving self a cookie* I figured out the quote button!

I agree RushingWind. It only takes a spark to light a fire!!!

**hugs*** have a blessed day sweetie!! Look farward to seeing you in here more!

jynx · May 14, 2008

Foreverloved!

You are such a postitive uplifting voice on this board. I'd love to invite you over for coffee out on the front pirch some morning! I understand the thing about just "soaking it in".

you've been a blessing to me already sweetie.

Alive again · May 14, 2008

My quote and multiquote buttons have been missing today!

4Everloved · May 14, 2008

dowoplover said:
You guys are getting to me. You hit the nail square on the head about studying normal all my life and knowing when something is wrong with someone else.

I used to be able to write but I cannot seem to put pen to paper since I started on the meds. Small price to pay! I do not let other people get me down (maybe a guy thing) but I certainly understand where you are coming from. I am the type who would normaly cruise through these posts and not add anything, but something touched me when I started reading. You may get tired of hearing my voice. Thanks for letting me vent.

Yes, yes, yes, YES!

Your post made me wince, because it is true and it makes me sad.

10 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on paxil. Paxil sucks for me. I felt like a walking zombie. Then I took fluoxetine (prozac) and that seemed to help...but the creativity I'd had went right down the tubes, and I mean flushed down the toilet. I don't write anymore, don't paint, don't write poetry,,nothing.

Before I was diagnosed with bipolar in Oct. 07, I went off of the fluoxetine because I was sick and tired of it. (I'd been on it 9 years.) I felt so good off of it. I loved to 'go to bed' with my husband. I was passionate about everything...causes that I carry, like caring for the homeless. I even started writing poems. But people said I didn't act right. My husband was embarrassed at my loudness and bluntness at times. But I thought I had never been better.

Diagnosed with bipolar. Put on Lamictal in 07. Now they've added back fluoxetine. I'm docile, for the most part, though vaguely depressed at times, and vaguely manic at other times.

I miss the big big part of me that was creative and on fire and on edge. I'm not kidding about this. I wish there were some way to be on medication and still keep that part of me.

Hurts. Miss it. Like a part of me has been gone for years. For childrens church I painted murals, wrote plays, and directed the plays.
I wrote free-lance for children and had two stories published in an international magazine. I mostly just did stuff for free, but I was engrossed in it and it was my life and my joy; my way to give to others and remain motivated and full of purpose.

Sometimes when life seems more like a fairy story than real, it's a lot more fun. Don't mean to sound crazy, but that's how it feels. I've lost my 'magic'.

4Everloved · May 15, 2008

I will not feel sorry for myself any longer!!!

Lord, you can have the whole thing. You do it. If you choose to give me back the creative things I used to do, then so be it. If you choose to give me something else to do, so be it. But please, please, please let it be something creative. Thank You Jesus.

Alive again · May 15, 2008

Guys, you are very right. This is indeed one thing that "can" happen with meds. Please know how ever that going off of meds only means they generally do not work as well the next time. The changes in brain cells over time with bp is progressive and provable at autopsy, so remember that if ever you are tempted to go off meds to get your muse back and make your decision with all of the facts. Thankfully they are putting more time and research into these issues. I pray someday they will have treatment that will allow us to retain these pieces of ourselves. For me without meds I get so depressed I basically stop existing. Ad ear friend of mine when she gets manic goes beyond creativity and into psychosis, another's creativity goes beyond ability to control it and her pieces become nonsense, both are older than me and did not have some of the meds we now have. Just FYI HUGS!!!

4Everloved · May 15, 2008

Oh, I would never go off meds. I do need them, unfortunately.

I do feel there's a part of my mind that has shut off creativity because I don't want to be different. That's what God seems to be showing me today, starting early this morning. I don't expect to ever be as 'alarmingly creative' as I once was, but I do believe God wants to set me free in this area.

I've been rebuked more for being different at church settings more than anywhere, including workplace, college settings, or friendships. Yes. A religious person is supposed to act in a certain boundaried manner, apparently. Well, I'm not religious. I'm saved and set free and just happen to have a mental illness.

I pray I can be who I am in Christ and be whom He has designed me to be...with my meds in place.

bipolarbear · May 18, 2008

If you read my page, you will know that there has never been a time in my life where I have not had the Lord's presence with me. I have always been "emotional" and as a teen, and in my early 20s, I learned to use that in prayer. It is physicly and emotionally exhausting, but It is what the Lord has placed on my heart. I have strayed from it too far now... I feel so much pain, and saddness when I pray like that! It's as if The loss was my own, or the situation was one I could feel deeply! I have so much going on right now, I know I should be more in prayer, and feeding my spirit... I am not angry with the Lord, Just overwhelmed with life, and my situation with relocating in a month... I know better, and I know to give it all over to the Lord! Until reciently, I have been living in fear of my family and others in my life finding out about my bipolar... I shared this with my Beloved,a dn he told me that if I was the one who told, I would have control over who I wanted to know when, and so I have started sharing my situation with amily and others... I was literally surprised and brought to tears at how lovingly my Grandma reacted to it... She told me not to be ashamed, and really listened, and cares! We are moving to a small town, the kind where everyone knows everyone's buisness, and now I am not so afraid! Sigh... Anyway, That is what I have to share for right now. God Bless! 's

4Everloved · May 18, 2008

Bipolarbear, I admire your spirit of prayer, your courage, and the fact that you are sharing with your family and friends.

To be perfectly honest about myself...I feel that very little about being bipolar is a plus for me right now. I'm just in the acceptance mode, even though I am 47 years old. Thinking back, I realize I had many bipolar symptoms as early as 20 years old. I was suicidal at times, hyper and sparkling personality at others. I thought everyone was like that.

Still hard for me to accept that I'm bipolar. The stigma of it bothers me, because I feel that people here in my town look down on such things. At church, they act like none of them have even been on anti-depressants, but I know better.

I can't see right now how being bipolar helps me at all. I wish I wasn't. Perhaps it makes me more understanding of those who struggle though. Being on medication for bipolar is strange for me. I can't get used to the levelness...I mean...I still have mood swings, but I was used to having mood swings, do you know what I mean. And the manias were a lot of fun at times. I miss that passion and flare, but that's the way it goes. Here I go complaining again. This is the only place I can come and be honest about these things.

My DH has no idea what bipolar really is and how it affects me and my friends certainly don't want to talk about it, and anyway, I've not told most of them. Too much stigma in this small town, deep south, bible belt area. They think mental illness is caused by demons and will try to have a deliverance session for me. Ugh and Yikes.

angelkiss · May 21, 2008

Well, I'm sure that those who have known me for quite some time are gonna be tired of hearing this from me, but, you asked!

This illness was something I once considered as a curse. But, once I learned more about it and realized that I could find something good about it if I dug deep enough, I found that it can be a blessing. (That's right I said blessing)

Not only has it helped me realize what it's really all about, it has given me the chance to help others who don't understand it. It's brought me closer to my family, friends, and most of all to God. I've learned to fight even harder than I ever did afore. Sure, I make my mistakes and goodness knows I make plenty of them in general. But, thing is, I just take one day at a time and if it means baby steps I take my time and do the best I can.

s and es!!

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