How Do You Feel About Your Ex?

catlover · Oct 18, 2008

I am so blessed angry at mine...how do you stop being angry with your ex?

Please dont' post pray for him...right now I could spit nails at him...

Lpe04 · Oct 18, 2008

As far as my ex (girlfriend that is), I still pray for her, I don't know why she made the choices she made, but oh well. Hope it works out for you. God bless.

catlover · Oct 18, 2008

Lpe04 said:
As far as my ex (girlfriend that is), I still pray for her, I don't know why she made the choices she made, but oh well. Hope it works out for you. God bless.

That's the unanswered question...why do ex's make the choices they make?

Lpe04 · Oct 18, 2008

I could tell you why mine does, but I could never tell her Your situation definitely seems deeper than mine.

catlover · Oct 18, 2008

Lpe04 said:
I could tell you why mine does, but I could never tell her Your situation definitely seems deeper than mine.

Yeah-he acts absolutely ugly/abusive and then wonders why people do not want to talk to him...

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

I wish I knew why my STBX went and had an affair. I don't know. Wy did she lie to me, kick me out of the house, and keep the kids with her, I don't know. Why doesn't she try to be a mom to my kids, and stop having her family raise them, I don't know. All I know is that The ONE who knows the truth is the only one that matters, and HE will be the one who ultimately deals with her.

CL, have you ever heard of Divorce Care? It is another wonderful Christian group that helps us deal with the struggles that we deal with from a Biblical perspective. They have a program that sends you an e-mail every day to help encourage you in your situation. I just read the one for today, and it talks about being in a foul mood. When depression or negative thoughts start to infiltrate the mind, you have to chase them out as quick as possible. Dwelling on those thoughts only lead to bitterness and strife. They will take you from where you need to be. No, I have not perfected this process. I still am hurting and am mad at times. I need to work on so many things, it is pathetic. However, it is nice to get those every day, and read the scriptures that try to help direct your life.

The only other thing to add, we cannot, and God cannot change our ex's. They have free will. They are free to do what they want, when they want, and how they want. God will not move in the life of an unwilling vessel. Seek His will for YOU, and pray for YOU. I pray for my STBX, that God open her eyes to what she has done, and help her family to be there to "knock some sense" into her. Being patient sucks...but all will fall into place in His time, not ours. Hope this helps...

God bless,

5kd

catlover · Oct 18, 2008

5kidsdad said:
I wish I knew why my STBX went and had an affair. I don't know. Wy did she lie to me, kick me out of the house, and keep the kids with her, I don't know. Why doesn't she try to be a mom to my kids, and stop having her family raise them, I don't know. All I know is that The ONE who knows the truth is the only one that matters, and HE will be the one who ultimately deals with her.

CL, have you ever heard of Divorce Care? It is another wonderful Christian group that helps us deal with the struggles that we deal with from a Biblical perspective. They have a program that sends you an e-mail every day to help encourage you in your situation. I just read the one for today, and it talks about being in a foul mood. When depression or negative thoughts start to infiltrate the mind, you have to chase them out as quick as possible. Dwelling on those thoughts only lead to bitterness and strife. They will take you from where you need to be. No, I have not perfected this process. I still am hurting and am mad at times. I need to work on so many things, it is pathetic. However, it is nice to get those every day, and read the scriptures that try to help direct your life.

The only other thing to add, we cannot, and God cannot change our ex's. They have free will. They are free to do what they want, when they want, and how they want. God will not move in the life of an unwilling vessel. Seek His will for YOU, and pray for YOU. I pray for my STBX, that God open her eyes to what she has done, and help her family to be there to "knock some sense" into her. Being patient sucks...but all will fall into place in His time, not ours. Hope this helps...

God bless,

5kd

Yes-being patient is extremely difficult...I am sorry your STBX did that.

ido · Oct 18, 2008

catlover said:
I am so blessed angry at mine...how do you stop being angry with your ex?

Please dont' post pray for him...right now I could spit nails at him...

I stopped being angry with my ex when I realized that he is not capable of being the person I wanted him to be. Even though the person I want him to be is the person he led me to believe he was when we were dating - his true colors came glaring through in our marriage. It took me a while to realize that it has nothing to do with me, really, and more to do with him being incapable of/refusing to address the hurts in his past that make him the mess that he is.

It's almost 3 years after I left (divorced for over 2 now) and he still blames the entire failure of our relationship on me. I just let it fall on deaf ears for the most part. I know the truth and some day my kids will understand the truth when they are old enough to see their dad for who he really is.

I had a quote in my signature previously that helps me a lot when his issues creep back into my conscience and frustrate me. "Every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back." I don't want to waste my precious time thinking ill thoughts about him.

Lpe04 · Oct 18, 2008

catlover said:
Yeah-he acts absolutely ugly/abusive and then wonders why people do not want to talk to him...

I can relate. Usually it's pain in their past. I know the cure, but I can't give it to her. Sad, but true. I continue to pray. P.S. If she knew I was saying this, it would probably be off with my head, haha. oh well. I try. God bless.

PETE_ · Oct 18, 2008

catlover said:
I am so blessed angry at mine...how do you stop being angry with your ex?

Please dont' post pray for him...right now I could spit nails at him...

Been there done that. As long as you are angry, you still have feelings for them.

For me I finally came to realize that she was not and was not ever going to be the person I wanted/thought she was. She is who she is and is not someone that I care to invest my life in. This is usually a product of sex as it distorts our view of who a person really is and by the time the sex is not enough we are so invested and don't want to be wrong that we continue to try. You always here the "well, I love them" excuse as to why you stay, but love isnt a feeling it is a choice and I chose not to love her anymore and from that moment on things were easier and those "feelings" subsided.

now I am just sort of indifferent about her even though we have three kids together. Her life does not matter to me any more than the lady down the street that I do not care to spend my time on either. It took some time but you can get there.

FaithfulWife · Oct 19, 2008

I personally don't feel a lot about my ex right now. I mean I'm not mad at him nor am I very happy with him. Of course we've been divorced now for several years, and he lives on the east coast and I'm on the west coast...so that helps!

When we first divorced I was SO MAD at him for what he'd done, how he had destroyed my life and our kids' lives and lost everything we had worked for all for his selfish pleasure (that lasted a WHOLE SIX MONTHS! WOW). We lived about 3 miles from each other so that the kids could spend time with him easily and he still chose not to spend time with them--he just pretty much dropped them like they didn't exist and then refused to see how much damage he was doing to them!

Anyway, one thing I did that really helped was that I more or less completely cut off every bit of communication with him. For the longest time he tried to more or less "control" me via emails and phone calls, and in order to complete the cut and disentangle from him, I changed them. Then when he said "We have to discuss the kids" etc. I put a notebook in their travel backpack and said to write it here otherwise I wasn't interested. (Plus that way I had documentation). Eventually he learned that he was not going to be able to control me any longer, and I was able to move on with my life and heal by disentangling.

I will also say though, that I am not an angry person by nature at all. In fact, I'm pretty "peace-loving"! But for the longest time I felt so DEEPLY ANGRY with him that I thought maybe there was something wrong with me--like I was spiritually WAY out of whack maybe or something. Nope. It's just part of recovering after a divorce. So I bet some of what you're feeling is just normal; it's normal to be angry at someone when they hurt you this much.

~Faithful

5kidsdad · Oct 19, 2008

I am really hacked off at mine right now. Not for my sake, but the kids. How can 5 kids be settled when she is constantly moving around from place to place, albeit only 2 places of residence. There is no stability for them, they keep telling me how much they dislike staying in what was "our home." They would rather stay with me or their grandmother. Why am I not allowed to have a life, while she just continues on like nothing happened? She has a house that I killed myself fixing up, while I live with my family while she gets the money...and she has the 5 kids. My youngest was crying this afternoon, because he wanted to stay with me, and not her. My 4 year old said today that if I had my own house, "I could stay with you forever." My oldest said that if he had any wish, he would wish that he could live with me. Man, talk about tough...I already miss them, and this just adds to my sorrow. So right now, I have no real warm feelings for my STBX.

5kd

catlover · Oct 19, 2008

5kidsdad said:
I am really hacked off at mine right now. Not for my sake, but the kids. How can 5 kids be settled when she is constantly moving around from place to place, albeit only 2 places of residence. There is no stability for them, they keep telling me how much they dislike staying in what was "our home." They would rather stay with me or their grandmother. Why am I not allowed to have a life, while she just continues on like nothing happened? She has a house that I killed myself fixing up, while I live with my family while she gets the money...and she has the 5 kids. My youngest was crying this afternoon, because he wanted to stay with me, and not her. My 4 year old said today that if I had my own house, "I could stay with you forever." My oldest said that if he had any wish, he would wish that he could live with me. Man, talk about tough...I already miss them, and this just adds to my sorrow. So right now, I have no real warm feelings for my STBX.

5kd

I hear you about the why's life can be soo unfair...

kristinarmstrong · Oct 20, 2008

catlover said:
I am so blessed angry at mine...how do you stop being angry with your ex?

Please dont' post pray for him...right now I could spit nails at him...

Unfortunately, prayer is the answer. Make it simple. Lord, have mercy on (your ex). Hugs to you, girl! You can do this.

An unworthy servant

kristinarmstrong · Oct 20, 2008

5kidsdad said:
I am really hacked off at mine right now. Not for my sake, but the kids. How can 5 kids be settled when she is constantly moving around from place to place, albeit only 2 places of residence. There is no stability for them, they keep telling me how much they dislike staying in what was "our home." They would rather stay with me or their grandmother. Why am I not allowed to have a life, while she just continues on like nothing happened? She has a house that I killed myself fixing up, while I live with my family while she gets the money...and she has the 5 kids. My youngest was crying this afternoon, because he wanted to stay with me, and not her. My 4 year old said today that if I had my own house, "I could stay with you forever." My oldest said that if he had any wish, he would wish that he could live with me. Man, talk about tough...I already miss them, and this just adds to my sorrow. So right now, I have no real warm feelings for my STBX.

5kd

5kd,

There is pain on both sides, whether you see it or not. I have spent many days in tears over the loss of my marriage and the only one who has witnessed it is God. My husband probably is saying the same thing as you. Ultimately, the children are the ones who are suffering the most; afterall, you have lost a wife, they, the life they knew. Please pray for your wife. Anger affects everyone, esp. us and no matter the distance btw. you and your wife, it affects her to. Love is the answer. Love is a choice and even though you may not feel lovingly, we can still act lovingly. Pray with your children for the mother they love so much. Hugs to you!!!

An unworthy servant

Easyrider · Oct 21, 2008

From my Divorce I've learned several things:

1. Time Heals ALL Wounds no matter how Deep and Painful.
2. The Serenity Prayer is something we should LIVE by.
3. ANGER is only letter away from DANGER. "WALK AWAY"
4. The biblical perspective of Divorce may be more managable when we focus
on how to prevent it rather than trying to define it and its consequences.
5. We all see the Consequences, the Destructive influence on each person
and any children involved, so keep the trash talk just between the two of you.
6. It also affects other surrounding family members by breaking bonds, and close relationships.
7. Time away from each other definitely helps cool hurt feelings and broken bonds.
8. Children need time with BOTH Parents during and after Divorce.

Just thought I would share what I have learned..Hope this helps someone..

Gazelle · Oct 21, 2008

PETE_ said:
Been there done that. As long as you are angry, you still have feelings for them.

For me I finally came to realize that she was not and was not ever going to be the person I wanted/thought she was. She is who she is and is not someone that I care to invest my life in. This is usually a product of sex as it distorts our view of who a person really is and by the time the sex is not enough we are so invested and don't want to be wrong that we continue to try. You always here the "well, I love them" excuse as to why you stay, but love isnt a feeling it is a choice and I chose not to love her anymore and from that moment on things were easier and those "feelings" subsided.

now I am just sort of indifferent about her even though we have three kids together. Her life does not matter to me any more than the lady down the street that I do not care to spend my time on either. It took some time but you can get there.

Awe, Pete I never knew you were divorced

You are so right about love being a choice . . . problem is most folks who think they are in love are really in lust . . . lol . . . then one day they wake up and go :hey, what happened" . . .

One thing about divorce is it never goes away . . . I have been divorced
over 30 years and everytime my x hurts my children or my grandchildren
it hurts me . . .

Thankfully, when my children were young, I didn't bad mouth to them about him cuz I knew they were very smart and they would find out what
he was like all by themselves . . . guess what, they did . . . grandkids
too . . .one of my grands told me he was stupid and when I asked why,
she said cuz he let you go . . . lol . . . we had a good giggle over that
one . . .

How long have you been divoced Pete?

PETE_ · Oct 21, 2008

It has been 15 years Gazelle.

I was fortunate that I got custody of my kids. She was too invested in playtime to care for them properly and then agreed to give up all rights instead of paying support. That prevented me from having to deal with alot of the divorce problems that others face. I did not allow the kids to go visit but never cut off communication(which was very seldom). She has contacted them now that they are adults and they have began to see the reasons that we divorced, even without me ever having to go into the details of "what" she did.

Things were tough sometimes when they were young, but I think that they have more respect for the decisions I made now that they are adults.

Gazelle · Oct 21, 2008

PETE_ said:
It has been 15 years Gazelle.

I was fortunate that I got custody of my kids. She was too invested in playtime to care for them properly and then agreed to give up all rights instead of paying support. That prevented me from having to deal with alot of the divorce problems that others face. I did not allow the kids to go visit but never cut off communication(which was very seldom). She has contacted them now that they are adults and they have began to see the reasons that we divorced, even without me ever having to go into the details of "what" she did.

Things were tough sometimes when they were young, but I think that they have more respect for the decisions I made now that they are adults.

I know whatcha mean Pete . . . my children tell me all the time they are
proud of me for taking the high road with their dad . . .

And . . . Yes it was tuff being a single parent, but my son is a minister
now and my daughter is a RN,BSN so it was well worth . . . as my son
says, "daddy doesn't know what he is missing and when he finaly does
my children will be grown" . . . oh, btw my son turned out to be an exellent daddy and it's bc of the example my daddy gave him . . .

Adamantium · Oct 21, 2008

I try not to think of him much at all. I'd prefer to focus on the present and the future.

I don't have the same email address, I have a new phone number and I have a different name now, so I think I'll probably never encounter him again.

How Do You Feel About Your Ex?

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