How do YOU deal with a lying child?

JulySheMustFly · Mar 28, 2008

So . . . How do you deal with a lying child?

Yes, I'm looking for the best way to handle one of my children but I don't want this to be a "You should" kind of thing I just want to hear what has worked or not worked for other families. No slamming on other families techniques please.

JustBoo · Mar 27, 2008

THe only thing I can really speak to is this. I try to not ask ' did you hit your brother' when I KNOW she did. I'm setting her up to lie. Instead I announce that she hit her brother and tell her it's not okay.

Athene · Mar 28, 2008

I've had horrible problems with my oldest daughter lying, I've had to be extremely strict with her because the lies she was telling were becoming very serious, we started off grounding her if she told a lie, even a small one, she would be sent to her room for the rest of the day. This was a while ago, and now my husband and I recognise when she is lying, she gets a certain voice and look when she's lying so we interrupt her and tell her that she's lying and we're not interested in hearing any lies.

marezee · Mar 28, 2008

I haven't had to deal with this yet.
I'm subscribing because I am interested in the subject.

As an aside, my neighbor's 3yr old started lying about things that he has. Like if a preschool friend says "I have such and such a toy," this boy will say "I have that too." when he really doesn't have it.
I think this may be a misinterpreted lie. perhaps this boy might be trying to express the want for the toy, not that he has it. With little ones, it's hard to know.
My 5yr old had difficulty expressing himself when he was 3 because he was a late talker. So he didn't catch on to concepts very quickly.

sorry if i went off topic!!

JulySheMustFly · Mar 27, 2008

Athene said:
I've had horrible problems with my oldest daughter lying, I've had to be extremely strict with her because the lies she was telling were becoming very serious, we started off grounding her if she told a lie, even a small one, she would be sent to her room for the rest of the day. This was a while ago, and now my husband and I recognise when she is lying, she gets a certain voice and look when she's lying so we interrupt her and tell her that she's lying and we're not interested in hearing any lies.

Can I ask how old your daughter was when you dealt with this?

pmcleanj · Mar 28, 2008

marezee said:
...I think this may be a misinterpreted lie. perhaps this boy might be trying to express the want for the toy, not that he has it. With little ones, it's hard to know.
My 5yr old had difficulty expressing himself when he was 3 because he was a late talker. So he didn't catch on to concepts very quickly.

sorry if i went off topic!!

I don't think you've gojne off-topic at all. In fact I think that this is exactly the time and the circumstances in which to teach the communications skills that will prevent lying later on.

At this age, "I wish I had that toy" and "I want to be able to boast too" and "I have that too" are indeed hard concepts to distinguish between. The fact that the child is mis-communicating means that the subject of truthful communication is relevant right then; the equal fact that he has no malicious intent allows you do help him out without having to label him as a liar -- a label that, once given, he is likely to live up to later. Things like this are the "teachable moment" for which a parent of preschoolers should be preternaturally alert.

When you catch an opportunity like this, you dive right in and say "yes, it would be NICE, wouldn't it, to have that toy. You WISH you had that toy, don't you? But, we have to be careful how to say that, so people don't think you DO have it. Because that would be a lie, and you only tell the truth. People can trust you, because you are truthful.

And then you look for lots of opportunities to point out how you DO trust the child, because he DOES tell the truth. You are helping him internalize a self-image of himself as a truthful person, and if you succeed he will never become a liar because so doing would violate his sense of self.

marezee · Mar 28, 2008

that was very insightful pmcleanj! thanks

RedTulipMom · Mar 27, 2008

JulySheMustFly said:
So . . . How do you deal with a lying child?

Yes, I'm looking for the best way to handle one of my children but I don't want this to be a "You should" kind of thing I just want to hear what has worked or not worked for other families. No slamming on other families techniques please.

you correct their lies immediately and always model truthfulness. Share scriptures with them on truthfulness and just make sure they understand that lieing is a sin and God doesnt want them lying.

Surrender2Win · Mar 29, 2008

I usually talk to them about the lying and try to get to the root of it and why they felt like they needed to be dishonest about it. Then I explain to them that lying causes my trust level to go down and if they want me to believe them all the time, then it's important to work on always being honest.

There have been times with my oldest when he had told me he did something and it was hard to believe because he lied about it on quite a few occasions (ex: brushing his teeth, feeding the dog or cats)...and that's when I would explain his past behavior with lying on this matter and it helped make it clear for him on how important it is to be honest. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is it may not come clear for your children when you talk to them about thier lying until a situation arises when you don't believe them and then have to explain why.

Hope this makes sense.

Athene · Mar 29, 2008

JulySheMustFly said:
Can I ask how old your daughter was when you dealt with this?

She was around 8 years old, and she's nearly 10 now.

lucypevensie · Mar 29, 2008

With my daughter who has been know to tell occasional lies I let the natural consequense happen. One natural consequence of telling lies is that it makes you untrustworthy. When I ask my DD if she's brushed her teeth and she says yes, I really truly do not know if I can believe her. So I will ask her to come breathe on my face so I can smell the toothpaste. That is an inconvenience for her. She must go out of her way often, in the areas of her life that she has difficulty with honesty, to show me proof that she is doing what she's supposed to be doing. She must show me the actual finished schoolwork rather than just tell me she's finished. I don't make a big ordeal of it or give her lectures, but I do allow her to be inconvenienced. Unfortunately I have to be inconvenienced as well, but I figure the lesson is hers to learn so that makes it worthwhile. She's not a terribly rebellious child or anything but this is a niggling problem that pops up once in a while. I don't like it. This is how I deal with it.

PrincessTaylor · Mar 30, 2008

Another thing I have learned when watching for lies or for lying. You can't tell them not to drink, then turn around and drink yourself...

marezee · Mar 30, 2008

PrincessTaylor said:
Another thing I have learned when watching for lies or for lying. You can't tell them not to drink, then turn around and drink yourself...

yeah...it's like that old addage "do as i say, not as i do."
When we as parents practice truthfullness and honesty, it does rub off on our little ones.
But let's face it, it's in our nature to lie...for proctection or otherwise. It's the little nuances of life.
And it is very difficult to teach those to a young child.

Linnis · Mar 30, 2008

My nephew started lying. At first I stopped setting him up to lie, then I tried stating what he'd done as fact which worked for a while. Then he began lying just for the sake of it so I'd say "I don't believe you," I also began questioning his truthfulness when I knew he was telling the truth. He'd get mad and I'd say "How can I be sure you are being honest when you've shown yourself to be a liar time and time again?" we then came up with ways for him to earn back my truth.

My nephew started this when he was going on 7. We nipped it in the bud in the better part of a year.

JulySheMustFly · Mar 31, 2008

PrincessTaylor said:
Another thing I have learned when watching for lies or for lying. You can't tell them not to drink, then turn around and drink yourself...

You couldn't possibly be Laurie's Tay could you?

Thanks everyone. It has been helpful to figure out how we are going to manage this new issue.

Robinsegg · Mar 31, 2008

We did this similar kind of thing, too! The natural consequence of lying is not being believed in the future. So, for an hour, a day, or 3-4 days, we would question and "check up on" anything she said. It really made an impression.
Rachel

heart of peace · Mar 31, 2008

I'd like to sub and read what others employ in their homes.

This is an area I struggled with for many years, from childhood to my young adulthood. So, I have quite a bit of mercy to dispense in regards to lies. I am hoping that the foundation I am creating will help set up my home to promote truth rather than lies. Basically, any emotion, no matter how ugly, is allowed in my home so long as you are not physically lashing out to yourself or others. Raging, yelling, crying, saying I'm mad --- all is allowed and we work through everything together. I don't shame my child for any emotion, regardless of how difficult it may be for me to hear or see. My intention is that he will not have a need to lie to me because I show him that I can handle the truth regardless of how hard or ugly it is.

How do YOU deal with a lying child?

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