How do I lovingly get rid of her

klewlis said:

I disagree with those who are saying you should try to be friends with her--this will only feed her emotions more. I'm not saying you should be *un*friendly, but that you should not try to pursue a friendship. Definitely keep very clear boundaries with her and let her know where you stand--bluntly but kindly (if you can find that precarious balance!). Like someone else said, she will not get the hint if you don't come right out and say it.

She needs some good female friends to help mentor her--maybe it would help for you to mention that to some mature, kind girls in your church who could befriend her.

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I agree. Maybe sitting down with her and saying "When I am around you, I get the feeling that you might be interested in me romantically. Is that true, or am I imagining that?" If she says it is true maybe you could say "Well, I'm really flattered that you feel that way, but I don't think that anything like that would work out between us, and I just wanted to be straight with you about that." If she says you're imagining things, you could say "Oh...good. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't given you the wrong idea about how I feel about you."

In using "I" statements, you automatically take the pressure off of her to be defensive. It should make the conversation more comfortable for her.

seangoh said:

i'm wondering that since she's so obvious in her intentions, why not the "victim" be obvious too by obviously avoiding her? I don't think she would be so stupid to not pick up the signs. What do you think girls? Coz that's what i did and it worked. And when we meet, i'll just say simple acquaintence sentences like "hello" but i'll NEVER ask how she is or what coz i don't want to portray the idea that i care about her.

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It's better to state very clearly, in words, that there is no romantic interest or potential for romantic interest. Just trying to hint this by avoiding her or whatever else may not work as well. While avoiding her may eventually work, it could also do a number of other things. It could make her think you are playing hard to get - prompting her to increase her efforts. It could make her feel worthless as a person - prompting her to not only stop following you but withdraw from social interaction completely. If she is seeking attention, it could make her feel even more ignored, once again prompting her to increase her efforts to get attention even more. And there's also a chance that it could backfire on your relationships (friendships) with other girls in the group - they may see how you treat her and come to the conclusion that you are a jerk, especially if they are also fairly new to the group and don't know you very well yet.

Don't just try to send nonverbal signals. Say things clearly. People always complain that they can't understand members of the opposite gender - perhaps it is because people tend to play games and try to send hints rather than saying what they really mean. Avoiding her completely should be more of a last resort if talking to her first doesn't work.

Too true, fishstix.

Avoiding someone without first talking to them about the situation is rude, heartless, and cowardly. This girl might already be feeling pretty bad about herself. Treating her like she's a leper probably isn't going to help that situation.

Kudos to the OP for trying to find a kind way to get his point across.

thanks fishstix, ultimately i think it depends on the girl you're dealing with i guess. For me, i had a girl like me whom i seldom talk with so it's not that difficult to avoid her and not arouse any dislike from other girls since i've seldom talked to her anyway. Also, i know she has friends so no worries about that too.
I'm just glad i'm free..

Wow great advice in here!

I would just emphasize being direct with her in a kind way. Avoiding her, I think, will cause more problems then it is worth down the road. She may not get the hint and try harder to get your attention. And playing the friend card, when you really don't want to be her friend, can just make her try harder to make you like her. Or avoiding her could really do something to her self esteem.

And really, what is she guilty of? Seeing you for the great guy that you are and liking what she sees and trying to get your attention. You just do not happen to return the feelings. There is nothing wrong with what either of you is feeling. But, trust me-I have been on both sides, the more mature and direct you can handle the situation, the better it is for both of you.

fishstix said:

Don't just try to send nonverbal signals. Say things clearly. People always complain that they can't understand members of the opposite gender - perhaps it is because people tend to play games and try to send hints rather than saying what they really mean.

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Not to de-rail the thread-but this is an awesome piece of advice, no matter what the situation!