How can insecurity ruin a marriage?

leothelioness · May 20, 2014

seeingeyes said:
And your insecurity puts you in danger of latching onto the first one who winks at you.

Actually I'm very picky, but I would still wonder why they would have picked me.

seeingeyes · May 20, 2014

leothelioness said:
Actually I'm very picky, but I would still wonder why they would have picked me.

Perhaps because you are intelligent and capable and caring...and beautiful?

This is a hurt that the Lord can heal in you. You are his beautiful daughter, and no one can take that away from you, sister.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

leothelioness said:
Actually it was guys that picked one me, not girls. And they're not exactly "lining up" for me even now.

Of course there is also the issue of the fact that I am like a 6 (7 at best in Russia) and the OP is like an easy 8 so of course I am going to think she is hot but she would not give me a second glance.

So perhaps with other guys who are 8's, 9's and even 10's she is made fun of and im guessing these are the guys she likes. So she is playing in a different leauge.

Guys would be lined up but not the ones she is interested in. As soon as one of those 8's or 9's winks at her she will latch on (even if the guy is a bit of a jerk) becuase why would she date a 6?

It was upsetting to my girl friend that I am with her becuase she wants to be with me, but thats what you do when you dont have alot of options.

seeingeyes · May 20, 2014

russianorth said:
Of course there is also the issue of the fact that I am like a 6 (7 at best in Russia) and the OP is like an easy 8 so of course I am going to think she is hot but she would not give me a second glance.

So perhaps with other guys who are 8's, 9's and even 10's she is made fun of and im guessing these are the guys she likes. So she is playing in a different leauge.

Guys would be lined up but not the ones she is interested in. As soon as one of those 8's or 9's winks at her she will latch on (even if the guy is a bit of a jerk) becuase why would she date a 6?

It was upsetting to my girl friend that I am with her becuase she wants to be with me, but thats what you do when you dont have alot of options.

You put a lot of emphasis on outward things. If I were out shopping for a man right now, I wouldn't even be looking for a "10". Why would I want to be with a man who is prettier than me?

And to the OP, notice that this man has said that his woman is insecure. An insecure woman ends up with a man who believes that she is the best he can do with his limited options.

Don't settle for this. Work on your heart and let your Father in heaven heal you.

leothelioness · May 20, 2014

seeingeyes said:
Perhaps because you are intelligent and capable and caring...and beautiful?

This is a hurt that the Lord can heal in you. You are his beautiful daughter, and no one can take that away from you, sister.

You are right. Thank you for your help/advice.

leothelioness · May 20, 2014

russianorth said:
Of course there is also the issue of the fact that I am like a 6 (7 at best in Russia) and the OP is like an easy 8 so of course I am going to think she is hot but she would not give me a second glance.

So perhaps with other guys who are 8's, 9's and even 10's she is made fun of and im guessing these are the guys she likes. So she is playing in a different leauge.

Guys would be lined up but not the ones she is interested in. As soon as one of those 8's or 9's winks at her she will latch on (even if the guy is a bit of a jerk) becuase why would she date a 6?

It was upsetting to my girl friend that I am with her becuase she wants to be with me, but thats what you do when you dont have alot of options.

I do not ascribe to the idea of leagues or assigning numbers to people. That dehumanizes, IMO.

However I am not insecure enough to be with someone who is a jerk. I have more respect for myself than that.

As BTW, the guys who made fun of me in school were way less than 8s, 9s or 10s. They were more like 0s and 1s.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

seeingeyes said:
You put a lot of emphasis on outward things. If I were out shopping for a man right now, I wouldn't even be looking for a "10". Why would I want to be with a man who is prettier than me?

And to the OP, notice that this man has said that his woman is insecure. An insecure woman ends up with a man who believes that she is the best he can do with his limited options.

Don't settle for this. Work on your heart and let your Father in heaven heal you.

I put alot of emphasis on reality. I have a best friend who is the male version of this sitaution so I know the nity gritty details. Of course you would not want a "10" but im sure you would want an 8 or 9 and would not give a guy who is a 6 a second glance. My best friend who has been rated around an 8 on a hot or not site will not date a woman anything less than a 7 but he also does not want a "10" either, that 7-9 is the sweet spot for the hotter crowd but it seems women have a decided advantage as my buddy has been single for like 2 years now and is thinking of settling for a 6 but I think he would rather drink himself to death before he did that. That is how the game works.

My girl friend had a choice of about 6 guys when she was dating me and she chose me so she had options. I diliberatly date lower (and I am not all that myself) so that I can get an ACTUAL girl friend and not be sexually frustrated and drinking myself to death. She knows that I stay with her because she wants to be with me (why would anyone want to chase someone who is not that into them?). She does not have to stay as she had other options but she chooses too.

I am guessing the OP has options too but she wants that guy who is an 8 or 9 and when she gets him she will tolerate alot more than if she were with a 6.

I have seen what the "dont ever settle girl friend/bro" road looks like and it aint pretty. Some people fluke out but if your liver is shutting down and you have not hit the lotto yet then it might be time to make some concessions (the drinking is a guy thing, I dont know what women do, eat maybe?).

Once people get tired of being rejected and alone they settle, not everyone wins the lottery but they still want to get on with their life.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

leothelioness said:
I do not ascribe to the idea of leagues or assigning numbers to people. That dehumanizes, IMO.

However I am not insecure enough to be with someone who is a jerk. I have more respect for myself than that.

As BTW, the guys who made fun of me in school were way less than 8s, 9s or 10s. They were more like 0s and 1s.

So then I dont understand the problem? If the hot guys are paying attention to you those other guys are irrelavent.

If the community college would not allow you to enroll but were accepted to MIT why would you even care about what the community college thought of you?

The purpose of assigning the numbers is to illistrate a point not dehumanize people. If you dont want to see that point then I dont need to post anymore.

I live and work in reality, I have a very calculated way that I modify my game to get actual results. Anything short of being in a game where women want to sleep with me is flim flam.

Should I hold high standards and chase women who look at me with contempt or cut some standards and put myself in a dating game where the women want me?

leothelioness · May 20, 2014

russianorth said:
So then I dont understand the problem? If the hot guys are paying attention to you those other guys are irrelavent.

If the community college would not allow you to enroll but were accepted to MIT why would you even care about what the community college thought of you?

The purpose of assigning the numbers is to illistrate a point not dehumanize people. If you dont want to see that point then I dont need to post anymore.

I live and work in reality, I have a very calculated way that I modify my game to get actual results. Anything short of being in a game where women want to sleep with me is flim flam.

Should I hold high standards and chase women who look at me with contempt or cut some standards and put myself in a dating game where the women want me?

No "hot" guys are paying attention to me. If they are, I am oblivious.

It is true that the ones who are usually interested are ones that I would never give a second glance to. But that's not the point of this thread.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

leothelioness said:
No "hot" guys are paying attention to me. If they are, I am oblivious.

It is true that the ones who are usually interested are ones that I would never give a second glance to. But that's not the point of this thread.

Well good luck to you.

seeingeyes · May 20, 2014

russianorth said:
I put alot of emphasis on reality. I have a best friend who is the male version of this sitaution so I know the nity gritty details. Of course you would not want a "10" but im sure you would want an 8 or 9 and would not give a guy who is a 6 a second glance. My best friend who has been rated around an 8 on a hot or not site will not date a woman anything less than a 7 but he also does not want a "10" either, that 7-9 is the sweet spot for the hotter crowd but it seems women have a decided advantage as my buddy has been single for like 2 years now and is thinking of settling for a 6 but I think he would rather drink himself to death before he did that. That is how the game works.

My girl friend had a choice of about 6 guys when she was dating me and she chose me so she had options. I diliberatly date lower (and I am not all that myself) so that I can get an ACTUAL girl friend and not be sexually frustrated and drinking myself to death. She knows that I stay with her because she wants to be with me (why would anyone want to chase someone who is not that into them?). She does not have to stay as she had other options but she chooses too.

I am guessing the OP has options too but she wants that guy who is an 8 or 9 and when she gets him she will tolerate alot more than if she were with a 6.

I have seen what the "dont ever settle girl friend/bro" road looks like and it aint pretty. Some people fluke out but if your liver is shutting down and you have not hit the lotto yet then it might be time to make some concessions (the drinking is a guy thing, I dont know what women do, eat maybe?).

Once people get tired of being rejected and alone they settle, not everyone wins the lottery but they still want to get on with their life.

I honestly don't think of people like that, though. I don't have a rating system in my head at all. I just figure that if a man looks in the mirror more often than I do, that we'd be incompatible. :shrug:

Looks are certainly an important factor in sexual attraction, but they are by no means the only factor. I would have no attraction for a man who sits around whining about how he's a "6" and how he had to settle for me since he wasn't hot enough to get what he really wanted, for example.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

seeingeyes said:
I honestly don't think of people like that, though. I don't have a rating system in my head at all. I just figure that if a man looks in the mirror more often than I do, that we'd be incompatible. :shrug:

Looks are certainly an important factor in sexual attraction, but they are by no means the only factor. I would have no attraction for a man who sits around whining about how he's a "6" and how he had to settle for me since he wasn't hot enough to get what he really wanted, for example.

Looks are the FIRST factor, if the physical attraction is not there for most people all that other stuff is irrelavent. All that other stuff only comes into play if the sexual attraciton is there first. So you basicly agree you just dont assign numbers, the numbers are just for illistration purposes.

Also admiting reality is not the same thing as "whining". Is the person who got rejected from MIT but still went to a state school and made something of themselves a whiny looser? Your thinly vieled condesention is starting to show through you might want to tone it down a little.

seeingeyes · May 20, 2014

russianorth said:
Looks are the FIRST factor, if the physical attraction is not there for most people all that other stuff is irrelavent. All that other stuff only comes into play if the sexual attraciton is there first. So you basicly agree you just dont assign numbers, the numbers are just for illistration purposes.

Looks do not stand alone, even if they are the first thing to be noticed. Would you propose to a woman because you saw her picture and decided she was a "10"? Of course not. There is a lot more to relationship, even sexual relationship, than one's physical appearance.

russianorth said:
Also admiting reality is not the same thing as "whining". Is the person who got rejected from MIT but still went to a state school and made something of themselves a whiny looser? Your thinly vieled condesention is starting to show through you might want to tone it down a little.

Was it veiled? My apologies.

The view of the world that you have presented in this and other threads is utterly loveless, self absorbed, and shallow. Your only concern seems to be getting your hands on as much of the things you want as you can and to hell with everyone else. I have no respect for such views, as any and every toddler holds them.

russianorth · May 20, 2014

seeingeyes said:
Looks do not stand alone, even if they are the first thing to be noticed. Would you propose to a woman because you saw her picture and decided she was a "10"? Of course not. There is a lot more to relationship, even sexual relationship, than one's physical appearance.

Was it veiled? My apologies.

The view of the world that you have presented in this and other threads is utterly loveless, self absorbed, and shallow. Your only concern seems to be getting your hands on as much of the things you want as you can and to hell with everyone else. I have no respect for such views, as any and every toddler holds them.

You dont have to respect reality but if you dont acknowlage it you might get bit by it.

Of course I would not marry a 10 if she was ugly inside but a woman who was a 1 on the outside would not even get a first date, where as the 10 we could make some memories before it ended.

When you have gotten burned multiple times in life your less willing to expose yourself to liablities and unfortunatly that comes across as crass but thats too bad because I dont want to pay for other peoples problems, especially people who would look at me with contempt.

For instance I would rather spend my money on a hooker than give it to a single mom who would have rejected me for the hot guy that she got knocked up with and he left her. When your constantly rejected, look down on with contempt and stolen from your world view changes. Thats just the way it is.

Christianity does not call for me to be a doormat and neither was Jesus.

Inkachu · May 21, 2014

Looks were not the first factor in me being attracted to my husband, nor in him being attracted to me. We met on a dating site, and were both smitten with each other's profiles (interests, beliefs, intelligence, sense of humor) long before we ever saw a picture of each other. The pictures were just icing on the cake.

Inkachu · May 21, 2014

Leo - having known you and been reading your posts for a long, long time, I wonder if you couldn't benefit from some counseling. I know you've had this long-standing insecurity issue, and don't seem to know why. You're intelligent and well-spoken, and confident. You're told that you're beautiful constantly. You readily admit that you'd be picky about relationships and won't just settle for the first guy to pay attention to you. Yet you maintain that you're terribly insecure about your appearance. It doesn't make sense, and I think you may need someone to do some deep digging to get to the source of this. I don't think being picked on by a couple of school boy dimwits could just totally destroy a bright, confident young woman's self-image, I think there's probably much more to this story.

leothelioness · May 21, 2014

Thank you, Ink.

tenderheart1 · Mar 6, 2015

The better question is how can it not?

Insecurities will cause the demise of your marriage. If you're insecure, get some counseling and deal with it right away. Where there are insecurities, there will be looming trust issues. And if you don't have trust, you don't have a marriage!

Dave-W · Mar 9, 2015

Insecurity is not just one thing. One can be insecure in any number of areas for any number of reasons. Each of those insecurities can impact the marriage differently. It often leads to the insecure one withdrawing from the relationship (never good) or becoming angry (also not good) or very jealous. Anger and jealously both can spill over in violence.

NothingIsImpossible · Mar 15, 2015

I think we all have insecurities. Whether small or big. I used to be insecure about singing in church. I would never sing loud really, mostly sing in my head (praise songs). But now that I am married I sing loud since my wife has helped me come out of my shell. Just like I am very shy so I don't like alot of attention. Now I'm different since I was constantly looked at by everyone in my wifes country.

Just as many look at my wife because she looks like shes a young teen. At first it bugged me, now I don't even notice. Marriage really helps you get over some insecurities.

One thing I did notice is before I never cared to much what people thought of me or how I looked. But now that I am married many people seem to notice my weight and will bring it up and sometimes it bugs me because most people assume weight gain is because of laziness or bad eating habits.

How can insecurity ruin a marriage?

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