I was going thru some "folders" in my computer hardrive and found this copy of an email I wrote and sent to a friend back in '01. I had slipped again back into drinking after my release from active duty in '00 and was asked my opinion at that time about me being an alcoholic.
What all is written may not be right to anyone else's standards or personal views on alcoholism but at the time, it was the only way I could express it so the person I sent it to could kinda sorta maybe perhaps understand somewhat remotely what I was talking about.
The title on the email was "Musings"
The insanity that all alcoholics deal with affects each one different although the difference is similar to the whole. I do not seek pity (hate it) but a nod perhaps of an understanding that the mechanics of my behavior is sane in its own insanity. All the trappings that one would suggest be a mark of some success are long gone (twice): the loss of friends, the embarrassment to myself and my military command to be ordered to reside in a alcohol rehabilitation center, to have to stay away (my choice) from my younger 2 sons until I was clean and sober. My career and retirement are gone too ( 2 yrs short from retirement) - once being entrusted as a Sergeant in the Army for the care and lives of those under me. Now I cant manage my own life. The loss of the 3rd marriage, my younger children strangers as my older ones are already estranged to me. I would love to be able to point at past things and say this is what caused me to drink or that drove me to it but all it would do ultimately is to give me false confidence that I had the power to control something that for me was and still is uncontrollable.
My world now revolves around a 10 by 12 room in a house in a town where I have no desire to be. I am not in jail although it is may not jail in a physical sense but perhaps it is in an mental way. Sometimes I think perhaps this is His punishment and maybe someday when all penance has been exacted, He will smile once again and life can be good. The insanity of alcoholism opens ones thoughts to a sort of clarity as well as clouds the reality time to time in some things. It is a retreat for those who have no where else to go and it will play a tune we dance to that others would not know. It is a disease, as real as any other hereditary disease passed down through one's bloodline. It is passed to me and chances are of my 4 kids, at least one is a drunk waiting for his/her first drink. My oldest son has no use for me, and although I know that his troubles are not my fault, I still carry the blame that as a dad, I should/could have done something. A daughter that is on her own for the first time in her life, suffered through the indignities of a step dad force upon her by her mother's re-marriage. I carry a guilt and shame that I have missed the most precious time of her life and was not there when she needed a father - she is almost 19 and the last time I saw her was maybe 13??
So the inducement of failures and guilt to combine with the incurring depressions, one will resort to something that albeit temporary will remove the sharpness of the edge of the reality. As also in that as for me, the idea of closeness,be it a companion or a close friend is a desire that will bring a warmness but the reality of when one who gets in too close inside my imagined perimeter whether I allowed it or not, I recoil from the closeness and hide. I have no fear of any man - I been stabbed, had guns in my face and have shot back, even dealt with angry mother in laws but the thought that a good person being soiled by my presence cause me to escape and evade and run away. I have done enough bad to humans in this life, regardless of its being thru Uncle Sam or just thru my manipulations in my addictions. Perhaps I am being punished for my past sins. I am neither worthy nor good enough to be in the presence of something good - it is the logical order of things.
To some, this would sound crazy or maybe insane, well, I never said I had all my marbles in the same sack. But in its defense, the Big Book has a chapter devoted to the insanity of a drunk - insanity not as defined for institutionalism but from the norm of thinking. I dont know if this rambling has made any sense, but this is the most I explained to anyone concerning myself. Perhaps theres an absolution in confession, or maybe the admissions of one who has shook his fist at God and still wonders about the walk which one once had. But to sum this short story, yes, I am an alcoholic.
Norm
since this was written, I have stopped drinking, been sober since 5 Sep '05, have seen my daughter and have spent time with my older son as well as my younger ones. My time apart during those years was not due to court or legality in case some may think that, mostly I was too drunk when I was off duty to take the time to go visit or was deployed too far away to visit. Although I am also "dual addicted" - alcohol and drugs but alcohol was my main useage.
been clean for over 2 yrs now but the drinking was the hardest.
anyhoooos, sorry for the novel but felt like posting.