Hi, I`m new to this forum...

Hi, am new here too.
What youve described is probably fairly common; no matter how well intentioned or how hard they try, it seems a physical impossibility for step parents to treat their own children the same as their partners. My mother-in-law remarried and my both my wife and myself see blatant inconsistencies over little things (usualy to do with money funnily enough). For example, the mother-in-law might come through for a visit and bring with her a bag of clothes for the children that SHES bought (implication here not to mention it to her husband). Guaranteed a few days later we'll hear how her husband bought clothes to send down to HIS grandchildren. Seems almost a game these two play; spending their OWN money on their own children without telling their partners.

Now, throw into this pot 'autism'.
For example, we were told that "discipline" (rather, punishment) is counter productive. If we told our son not to go upstairs but he did so, should we punish him? No. In his mind he was acting rational; he didnt go up stairs then - he went 20 seconds later so the command doesnt apply. Or perhaps he went upstairs for a toy. He wasnt going upstairs, he was going for his car. 'Punishment' would not only be inappropriate as he wouldnt understand what we were shouting at him for, but is simply a show of power. In other words, bullying. Being new to the parenting game, you can imagine how this went down like a led balloon; it seemed to contradict all published wisdom (spare rthe rod etc etc etc). Rather than 'discipline', we were to 'teach', to 'train', to use every misdenemour as a learning opportunity. Its taken us three years now to train ourselves to be a parents (Ru' was diagnosed at 2, and turned 5 at Christmas).

And finally, stir the pot up with a little "Christian duties". For example, the father-in-law sees it as his god-given role to "discipline" his family (and by extention mine) as he is head of the household, especially under his own roof.

Bottom line is most 'normal' people, because of their expectations, beliefs, judgements. whatever, can be a right royal pain in the butt. They seem unable (or unwilling) to let go of their preconceptions of what reality is. Try and correct or show them another way and your being too liberal and 'close' ie not objective enough to know the difference between autism and taken for a ride by a five year old.

How you get around it is a massive post all by itself. Briefly though, I'd suggest you enroll yourselves in autism/asperger awareness classes, buy a handbook which contains 'rules' of communication, and follow those rules slavishly. The 'rules' work, you (and especially your husband) will both have a better understanding of where your sons coming from, and whenever you correct your husband he'll understand its not personal or an attack on his manhood (or whatever) but rather you trying your best to follow medical advice.

Peace.

Difficult to recommend; a)what I find useful you might only find 'interesting'; our respective children are not only different ages, but probably on different parts of the spectrum b)I dont so much read books, I eat them! Kind of difficult now to give you any one outstanding author/title.

However.....

Here in the UK theres a training programme called "NAS EarlyBird Plus", (National Autistic Society), and is ran throughout each region by the local health departments. Chances are if i give you some details of this set-up, you'll find a similar programme or perhaps someone else here could point you in the right direction. Anyhow;

The earlybird programme is amed towards parents and carers of pre-schoolchildren diagnosed as ASD. It doesnt offer a cure but offers hope and a positive approach to parents and carers, and three strands are parents learn to understand Autism, we learn to improve our comunication (by modifying how WE comunicate and allow for underlying differences, and thirdly, to analyse our childs behaviour using visual structures to prevent problems and encourage appropriate behaviour. Earlybird Plus is the same idea but geared towards children in early years or keystage1.

"The EarlyBird Plus Programme Book" by Jane Shields and published by NAS" was the handbook that accompanied he programme, and in our case, was excellent! Contents of the handook are; 1. Understanding Autism, 2. Interpreting Communication, 3. Encouraging interaction, 4. Structuring learning, 5. Analysing behaviour, 6. Preventing problems, 7. Supporting socialising 8. Looking ahead.

Further info at;
XXX.nas.org.uk
XXX.nas.org.uk/earlybird
XXX.jkp.com (wide range of books about asd)
Division TEACCH; University of North Carolina XXX.teacch.com
(change XXX to www)

As for other books, I'd suggest you find out if theres a parents/self-help support group in your area. If there is, chances are they would have a vast amount of books you could borrow (and a vast amount of experience to point you towards those books that would be more relevant to your circumstances). Hope this helps....

Peace