Here's the deal

Black Mamba · Dec 7, 2003

This post will be nothing more than in my own self-interest and will possibly come across as sophmoric and desperate. I'm just warning you right now. And it might take a while to get to the girl.

I'll start at the beginning. Back it up to about a year ago: August 2002. I am home-schooled but I am bored of doing the same ol' video classes. Enter an unnamed co-op homeschool. Co-op homeschool meaning it is exactly like regular school except for

A: More homework

B: Only two days a week

So I am in this Biology class and the thing is is that everyone seems to be a year or two older. There are a couple of girls in there I find to be judgemental but I really don't have any interest because at the time I was attracted to a girl at my church. Anyway, fast forward a year to August 2003. There is an orientation which I attend with a parent. At the orientation is one of the girls in that Biology class. We exchange waves and nods of recognition but something is off. Something is weird. Something is different. This is in the same month I was beginning to get over the aforementioned girl from my church.

So about a week after the orientation, school begins and again I see this girl. And I gotta say, this girl is beautiful. An absolute knockout. Think a cross between Gillian Anderson and Scarlett Johannson. I mean, she is just gorgeous in my opinion but the thing is, it's only in my opinion. Some of my other male colleagues regard her as less than cute, even ugly. They go as far to use the word "Woofy" as an adjective to describe her.

Now this girl and I's relationship has been less than close. There is about a year and a half age difference. I'm not exactly sure if she respects me (Last year she said I had a "talent" for getting on people's nerves. Of course that was a year ago) but she is nice enough to put forth the effort to say "Hi" and scarcely make superfluous chit-chat (Think less than 30 words a month). Now the facts:

1. The relationship is distant if even existant

2. She might not even respect me (Which I respect completely )

3. There is a two years and 10 months age difference

4. We are in none of the same classes

5. The attraction based thinly on appearance and slight sense of substance.

Now the purpose of this post is to

A: Vent these feelings of frustration and longing
B: Confirm that it would be a mistake to take any action of any kind

So I just want to get some posts of agreement that

A: I should completely leave it alone and not even try
B: I should try to stop even dwelling on the notion
C: It'll pass. It'll go away.

And I would not mind any disagreement. In fact that is most likely the ulterior motive of this post; to give me the slightest shred of hope. But agree or disagree, I need some feedback.

seangoh · Dec 7, 2003

Hey Black Mamba. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know how it's like to be infatuated with someone and it really is just infatuation u're having. It is because you barely know her and her character. It's just outward appearance and mannerism that you're attracted to i suppose. I was in your shoes before and i didn't do to well. But i've come to realise that if i meet this situation again, i gotta tell myself to stop whatever emotions are raging inside me and make the effort to know that girl. that means start talking more words instead of just <30 per month. So as you get to know her, try to stick to friendship strictly. Be very strict with yourself. Like i said, don't put love feelings in yet. It might be easier said than done but you have to convince yourself that it's the right way. Friends first. Relationships later.
And if you're still speaking <30 per month, tell yourself not to think too much of her. But i know it's hard to get the thought out of your mind so if i were you, i'll release those "feelings" by talking to her more. I don't know whether this is the best solution for you but the key is to be strict with yourself. Another thing you can do simultaneously is to make the effort to know the other girls. This would kind of diffuse the emotions you have that are all placed on her.

msjones21 · Dec 7, 2003

I think what makes me so sad about this post is not once have you mentioned God's role in all of this. I can't tell you anything that will give you "hope". The peace and hope can only come from Christ. I have no idea what the real situation is, I don't interact with you and this girl on a daily basis. Only God can foretell the future. I can offer this much, though, if you earnestly pray to God for His guidance and peace you will know what the right course of action is. When we walk with the Lord and trust in Him, and not ourselves, for wisdom He will give us peace about the decision we need to make. If you feel uneasy about persuing this girl after you've spent time in prayer then it's most likely not right. Don't trust *your* feelings, instead go with God and let Him reveal the right answer.

Mr.Cheese · Dec 7, 2003

There's nothing wrong with just becoming her friend.

Nico · Dec 7, 2003

I agree w/much of what the others have posted in this thread, but I'd like to add a few things.

First, I would encourage you to talk to the girl a bit more. Yah, I'd do it in a way that was friendship based, but somehow sneak in that you think she's a bit more special than that. The secret to most women I know, myself included, is that we want to feel special and beautifull. I think you can be in a frienship w/her but still let her know that she's really beautifull. any girl would appreciate that. Besides, doing the friendship thing will help you decide if she does have something worth pursueing into a more relationship-based thing. The fact that the 2 of you are in different classes is a plus b/c if things don't work out on any level, at least you don't have to deal with it everytime you're in school....

So, what I'm saying is, get to know her!!!! There's nothing wrong w/that, and you can't make any founded decisions unless you have a true glimpse of her character. As you're getting to know her pray for God's guidance in letting you know if she's cool or not, or whatever. If she's not a good person, again the fact that you have different classes is great b/c then you can cut your losses and not get involved in a bad friendship...

wvmtnkid · Dec 8, 2003

Good answers so far! I would have to agree with becoming her friend first and giving the relationship over to God and let Him open the doors for you, if it is His will. By your post, it sounds as if you have talked yourself out of something that you haven't even given a chance or perhaps even given God a chance to show you what His will is. Maybe all you are is destined to be aquaintances, or maybe just good friends. But, a good friend is something that you just don't want to turn away from either. Get to know her, find out her interests, you just might be surprised. You may find out you have nothing in common. Which is fine. But you may find out you do. And another piece of advice. Don't let your guy friends influence your opinion. If you think she is beautiful, than don't let them tell you otherwise. Perhaps you are seeing her through God's eyes, seeing something in her that your other male friends do not. And that my friend is a special gift. Don't waste it.

72_Chev_Truck · Dec 8, 2003

I would become her friend first of all. If I start to think that I like a girl I'll put those feelings behind me until I really know how she is. That way she doesn't get spooked which tends to happen often even if I'm not attracted being as I am extremely friendly towards the opposite sex. There is just something about a womans mind that fascinates me more then the initial look. Sure I'll think a girl is hot but I always want to dig deeper into a personality. To find a basis for a good friendship other then to hang out with her and drool.

RadG · Dec 9, 2003

wvmtnkid said:
Don't let your guy friends influence your opinion. If you think she is beautiful, than don't let them tell you otherwise. Perhaps you are seeing her through God's eyes, seeing something in her that your other male friends do not. And that my friend is a special gift. Don't waste it.

This is a good piece of advise, just remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I will be the first to admit that some of the females that I am attracted to are not of movie star or super model caliber, but what tends to grab my attention is their personality. I am not going to generalize because I know not all drop dead beautiful women are like this but a good number that I have seen seem to have a hatred for the world or at least to those who aren't as good looking as them. Now I said I won't generalize because I have also met some women who are drop dead beautiful who also show the love that they should be showing as a Christian.

RadG

Black Mamba · Dec 9, 2003

Thank you everyone for the advice you have given me. It has helped immensely and keep it coming Ms. Jones, I have very much been seeking God's council though I failed to mention that in my post.

I managed to strike up a conversation the other day. Apparently we have very similar interests. Actually, she struck up the conservation. Initially it was an iquiry concerning a camcorder I was using but she kept going. I think that's the hardest part; instigating conversations. I don't want to come across as too...too. You know?

And I don't want to force it but I really want to do stuff outside of school. But I don't want to force it. It's hard finding that fine line.

Contrary to how it might sound, this is not all part of my master plan to seduce her into becoming my girlfriend. My intentions are far from that.

I'm trying to think of an unawkward way of saying "Want to do something?" without it sounding like a date. I don't want a date. I just want to do something.

And yes seangoh, it was initially based on looks and mannerism but I think it's slowing becoming more than that. I mean, she is smart and she is somehow unlike some of the other girls. I mean, there are cute girls at this school but I don't care. So based on that, I suppose you could say it isn't totally based on looks? Perhaps I am pyschoanalyzing this into the ground. Again thank you for the advice and keep it coming.

hex98co99 · Dec 9, 2003

Do you even know if she is Christian or not?

I have not heard anyone talk about that direcly.
In my opinion you should not try to do any yet, although it seems that something already did happen.
God has not put you yet near her enough. God will draw the he has for you closer (or you closer to her) so that you might get to know her better.

Your are still in high school and relationships usually in that time are very imature and superficial (I said most of the time).
You still have plenty of time ahead of you.

You should however get go out with some of the friends (guys and girls) you already have classes with (not like the girl your attreacted too with none of the same classes).
Go out watch a movie then eat at some where. This way you can observe the people more and know how they act.

You shoul also read-prov. 31 it gives nice qualitys you should look for in a wife/girlfriend because the girlfriends you have should have the many qualitys of the wife you want because you should only be dating if you want to get married.

If you date without the expectance or being ready for marrige then you can poss. fall into temptation just by dating girls.

Hector
><)))">

wvmtnkid · Dec 10, 2003

Black Mamba-

I would just be honest with her. Tell her you would like to get to know her better, and see how she feels about that. More than likely if she is starting conversations with you, she probably has some sort of interest she is exploring as well. Hector had a good suggestion of "group gatherings" by going out with a group instead of just one on one. Sometimes that helps with the akwardness factor in the beginning of a relationship or friendship. Friends can help take the heat off of it seeming like a "date" if that isn't what you want right now, and sometimes it is easier to be yourself when you are around your friends.

Most importantly, as I am sure you already know, keep the Lord involved. Ask Him to guard your heart and to show you His will for this relationship.

Nico · Dec 10, 2003

And I think you can ask her to do something without it being or seeming like a date. A lot of it has to do w/approach and how you act before, during and after. For instance, I was talking to a guy in one of my classes and we were talking about music and he said "we should go see a show sometime. In fact, there's one this saturday." I did not assume it was a date, and it never ended up being that way. It was just 2 people doing something together that they both enjoyed. I know that it may feel like you're sounding like it's coming across a bit more, but if you act normal, and act like it's not a date, I'm pretty sure she won't read it that way. Do you know what I mean? If you were talking about a camcorder, somehow maybe movies could come into the conversation, you could say you wanted to see some film, then ask her she'd want to see it w/you. Or there's this amazing artist at some gallery/museum and the 2 of you could go check it out. I don't know, something like that. If you come across as if all this is totally normal and platonic it won't read "hidden agenda"

Black Mamba · Dec 12, 2003

I hope I didn't blow it.

We have similar interest in video editing. I was making a video about the school and I asked her if she wanted to help. It wasn't casually amidst a conversation either. I just saw her and said "Hey! Wanna help me edit the video". She was with a friend and the friend proceeded to whisper something into her ear. She then replied that seeing as how next week is finals week she was going to be busy. She then inquired what video editing software I used and concluded she couldn't have helped me anyway as we didn't use the same program.

It was like a punch in the stomach. Actually it was more like a shot. I was blank the whole day saying these words in my head "I blew it. I blew it. I blew it. I hope I didn't blow it. I blew it."

Of course the fact that every real conversation we've really has been instigated by her gives some indication that perhaps I did not blow a thing. I really jumped the gun on this one. Way too soon to invite her over to my house. Way too soon for anything.

I don't know how to gauge whether or not I totally messed it up next time. I think it may be intact but I don't know how to tell other than just sticking the video camera in her face (which she seems to like) and instigate her to instigate a conversation.

And of the age difference. Yes yes, there is a 32 month age difference (in her favor). Any comments on that kicker? But is age relevant for what I'm looking for? In fact, 3 of my closest friends are about 7-9 years older than me.

wvmtnkid · Dec 12, 2003

You're doing fine, Black Mamba. Just don't overanalyze things or you will drive yourself crazy! Welcome to the world of trying to figure out females! As other males will tell you, it isn't always easy. (Of course, we females say the same about you males! ) You asked, and she gave a valid reason why she couldn't help. Use this as a learning experience about how to approach her next time. What would you do different if you had the chance?

Now this is just a personal preference (someone else may have different advice), but I don't like guys that come on too strong. I think I would wait to see what her next reaction is to you. Perhaps a causal "Hi, how are you doing" is fine, but see if she instigates another conversation. That should help you gauge how she took you asking her to help edit the video.

As for the age difference, well, that is sorta a personal preference too. Some girls it wouldn't bother, some it would. So I guess that is up to you and her. For friends, no, I don't think the age matters. Most of my friends are several years older than me.

Just keep praying!

RadG · Dec 12, 2003

Black Mamba said:
And of the age difference. Yes yes, there is a 32 month age difference. Any comments on that kicker? But is age relevant for what I'm looking for? In fact, 3 of my closest friends are about 7-9 years older than me.

About this age difference look in the young adult section for a thread started by me a couple of weeks ago "Question on age difference in relationships", I believe is what I titled it, from what I got from the others around is that if it is in God's will that you be together the age difference will not matter. But the most important thing I can say is to pray about it, seek God's advice which is truer for your situation than any advice that the rest of us could give.

RadG

Nico · Dec 12, 2003

to me, it doesn't sound like you blew it, just sounds like timing was off, that exact scenario didn't work out at that time. However, I can completely understand how you feel. It still sucks. Me, personally, I would still just play it cool. I would talk to her, initiate converstation, but hold out on asking her to do anything again just yet. Make the whole thing seem like it's normal, that you don't feel rejected (b/c you really weren't totally rejected....), and you're just going around doing her thing, and you like talking to her, so you talk to her. Be patient, but don't give up just yet! It's only the begining

As for the age, it is definitely something between the 2 of you. When I was in highschool, a guy that was 2 years younger than me wanted to date, and I couldn't get over the age difference. I ended up dating someone that was 1 year younger, later on, and then when in college I dated guys a bit younger as well, and finaly, my most recent boyfriend was 3 years younger than I--younger than my younger sister.....So, if you're a cool person (and it sounds like you are), and there is some shared interests, etc., she might not have a problem with it.

But anyway, to conclude. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet

Black Mamba · Dec 15, 2003

Hmmm...

Well, today was another day and today was not the best of days. Last week things were so fun and great and right. Conversations were easy as there were always initiated on her end. Today was just like all the other weeks. All the other weeks where it's just the obligatory "Hey Kevin". That's about it. I'm trying to figure out what it means or if it means anything. I'm don't even want to try to initiate a thing for fear of coming off way too strong. So I'm in a bit of a um......I don't even know. Nothing really seems to matter anymore. It's just, last week was so full of promise and potential and everything and now it's back to normal. The world is the world again. I'm really indifferent about everything right now.

To be honest I had this entire plan figured out. A conversation would happen and it would revert to video editing and I would ask to see some of her video sometime because I really am genuinely interested. Then it would give us something to talk about. But I suppose planning out a spontaneous conversation can't go right.

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