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Here we go again

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rbs70

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Hi all
I need your help with a problem, I dont know where to turn. Here is my problem.....

My family life is hell on earth to put it lightly, I cant take it any more. I have an over bearing mother, a father that could care less and the love of my life. My life is hanging by a thread. If it wasnt for my fiancee I wouldnt be here. God blessed me with her and now there is nothing but trouble. My mom was just in the hospital getting her gaul blatter out and my fiancee and I had plans to goto vergina to meet her mom (a 3 hour drive away). These plans were made months in advance and when mom got sick I asked her weather I should go or stay with her. She said go so I did. The surgery didnt happen while we were away, nothing did she just stayed in the hospital. We left on monday mom had her surgery on friday. We stayed 2 days and was back in plenty of time before her surgery. I called her everyday and talked to her. My older sister on the day of my mom's surgery left befor mom was off the table to go to an amusment park over 6 hours away. As you can probbly guess I got jumped about going to vergina to meet her mom who I never met and she hadnt seen in over 2 years, while nothing was said to my sister. This is just one example of the problems, my sister doesnt even live with us. I am traped liveing with my parents and am depritly trying to get out. I live under my parent's problems and emotions everyday if one of them is haveing a bad day you are to. I just listened to my day threten to leave us and never come back(ya tell that to your wife sitting next to you freash from the hospital) The man doent care about anyone or anything anymore, the Christian leader of our house refuses to do anything. He told me tonight that I should get married as soon as possable so I wouldnt be there problem anymore. Again a good Christian man. But it was this problem that has kept his family from knowing finatual ruin. It was my money my life that was wasted here and now I'm his problem to get rid of now that he is back makeing money.
My fiancee and I spent all day cleaning and preping the house for my moms home comming, She spent her own money and is now short in the bank because of an error. I have offered to give her the money to cover it but mom and dad are yelling about her waisting her money and I shouldnt have to save her. It was my fault she is in this situation. Not one thanks was offer for the work we did, quite the opposite they complained when I told them I felt a thankyou was in order or some comment about it. They told me that I shouldnt raise my fiancee on a pedistal she shouldnt be my main focus in life the family should come first and she isnt part of the family. I dont feel that I do and in my mind she is part of my family. There is alot more going on right now that I dont want to get into becuase this is already too long but basicly my family is ready to disown me.

I know this sound like a rant but it isnt I am going through a very tough time right now. I just need your prayers. I try to follow Gods laws and live a Godly life but I seem to be the only one in my family, the rest are two-faced liers.
 

Akathist

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rbs,

My first thought reading your post was a book published a long time ago called "Toxic Parents". It is a book for adults who are being emotionally abused by their parents. I wonder if perhaps that is the problem here. Maybe you feel that they are hurting you emotionally with how they treat you and the things they say?

The next thought I had was about how I told my Priest about an extremely bad thing my mother did to me this last September. I told my Priest that I was ready to just up and walk away from any relationship with her because I was tired of her hurting me. His reply to me was really hard to hear. He said that she is good for my soul and that I was being given the opportunity to grow spiritually if I handle the situation in the best possible way.

Then he told me that I needed to pray for my mother. I needed to pray that God would forgive her for how she treated me and not hold it against her in any way. Then I needed to apologize to her. (It was really hard to hear that I should apologize!) But his point of view was that I needed to "turn the other cheek" and that if I focus on making sure I treated her in the best possible Christian way, showing as much love as I could, that it would decrease the conflict between us and she would eventually be easier for me to deal with.

I did the best I could to follow his advice. I have found that I have forgiven her. It has taken me months but the process has worked. She is really much easier for me to deal with now. It is almost as if her ability to hurt me has decreased. She might say something bad here and there but it is like I have teflon on my skin and it mostly bounces off.

I can't control how she treats me. But I can work to control how I treat her and how I handle it when she mistreats me.

(BTW, she has been emotionally and physically abusive to me from my childhood .. the physcial abuse didn't end until I was 18 years old. Just so you know this is not just a little spat between two people who normally got along.)
 
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Anti Existance

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My first advice = Stop listening to your parents.
My second advice = Stop living with your parents.

Clearly your not strong enough to face up against your family, what they say and do is clearly more then you can handle emotionally.

First you should pay back your girl whatever you own her, even if its behind your parents back. Your parents are selfish selfcentered people. They are only able to look inwards towards what is best for themselves. This is also why your efforts from you and your girl are left unappreciated. This is also why your dad wants you to get married and leave the house, not because he cares for you. But because he wants to get rid of you. Your suffering, because you live in a negative selfish enviroment, and you are being sucked in like in a black hole.

Since you aren't strong enough to deal with your oppressive family , FLEE.

That's the only sensible thing to do, and DONT marry. You see you marry when YOU are ready, not when your dad tells you your ready just so he can get rid of you.

Thing is, you DONT want to have people in your life, that ruin your life entirely. Only a strong soul can force change on another person without going insane themselves. But when you grow up within your family, you know as well as i do that the 'father' who acts as an example along with the mother count much more in terms of influence when they voice their opinions.

When you understand that your father is just a person just like anyone else, and that you can discard him from your life just like you can get rid of any other given person then you can make a difference.

It would have been better if you where able to do Gods work on your parents and change them for the better, however you are not strong enough to do this.

My advice is that you leave the house today, pack your bags, pay rent or whatever. And never contact your parents again. Pay back to your girl, and finally start a life of your own to live.
 
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Galadriel

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Yeah I'd have to agree with trying to get out of there. Do NOT marry if YOU are not positively sure that this is the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. I am very sorry your family is so self centered and un-caring, but you cannot change them, and so the best option is that if you can't make them act like adults and treat you better, then you need to remove yourself from the harmful situacion.

Do you have steady work? Do you have enough to maybe afford a small apartment? I know moving away or out of the house can be frightening, even if you had bad experiences there, because its all your used to, but believe me when you get out of that environment and you can breathe freely and not have overbearing parents right there all the time, I bet you will find your quality of life improves greatly.
 
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LoG

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@rbs70- Please keep an open mind here and bear with me.

I agree wholeheartedly with what Xenia Rose posted and here is why. The commandment is to Honor thy father and mother. Very good reason for that. To hate one's father or mother, overtly or covertly, is to hate oneself. We are a product of our parents and therefore their characteristics in a large part make up who we are also. We either mimic their behaviours or make a decision to never be like they were and react from the opposite extreme, which produces its own problems.

This doesn't mean that their dysfunctional behaviours are ok but that I need to be willing to forgive them in spite of and through that, lose the emotional turmoil that comes as a result of unforgiveness. Only then am I in a position to discern whether certain characteristics and their degrees are loving or not.
When we get to a point where we can love our parents in spite of their apparent shortcomings we come to a point of being able to accept the forgiveness that God extends to us.

There are some self-help groups that look at these types of issues and provide a great support structure. Well worth looking into imo. ACOA, Co-Dependents Anonymous etc.
 
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heymikey80

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You've got my prayers. I pray that the Lord will provide for peace in the family.

I know it's a bad time for new perspectives. But I think it's an excellent opportunity to start looking for your own place. At 28, you've supported your parents at the point of their need, I'm sure. But according to Scripture the natural forces push toward your leaving father and mother and joining with your wife to start a new family. That's probably part of the pressure.

Christians can be wrong. My Bible tells me so! Dad's probably not feeling too much like the head of the household. So again, arranging a pleasant exit, that's the best move.

Yes, pay back your fiancee, it makes perfect sense from what you've said. Don't care about what your family says -- again, "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife". "Excess of rigor" is itself a sin in my theology.

If you want a quick rundown rulebook about how these relationships should play out, I've been working with part of the Westminster Larger Catechism for over a decade now, and it seems to describe this well. LC 125-133 address it, and it's on reformed.org

Unfortunately, there's no clear referee. But at least it may give you some comfort you're approaching your father and mother in a right way.
 
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