Helpful, healthy, Godly ways to get over you ex (discussion)

Shazamataz · May 24, 2007

I sense that many of us here struggle with getting over our exes... so I thought it might be helpful for us to discuss healthy, Godly ways for us to overcome these struggles. Becuase, lets face it, whether we like to admit it or not, it is quite hard to just get over someone that you have so intimately shared your life with! (Even if it was only for a few weeks!!! lol)

This is not a place to get into heated discussions or the like, but a place for us all to grow together and encourage one another in the Lord as we seek to focus on Him rather than an ex. However, feel free to agree or disagree with what is said... just be nice!

I will start by saying some things I learnt from my mentor...

Firstly, we need to take control of our thoughts and make an effort to stop thinking about them so often. When a thought about your ex comes into your mind, make a concious effort to banish that thought.

Secondly, remove the things that remind us of them. I know from experience that this is not always possible... sometimes, especially if you've been with them for a long time, everything reminds you of them. So I suggest that everytime you are reminded of them, pray instead of dwelling in the memory. We all do it, but it isn't helpful to be continually dwelling in the memories. Also, don't deliberately look at photos or listen to music that will remind you of them.

Thirdly, make a concious effort to stop talking about them all the time. That is not helpful to you. If need be, ask your friends to stop asking you about them or mentioning the to you while you are learning to live without them.

Fourthly, pray, pray, PRAY!! And if you feel like God has left you... still pray!! Nothing is more important tha praying!!! But, beware, the trap... "but I'm praying for him/her!! Thats a good thing to do!" yes, it is. But what is your motive for praying for them and what exactly are you praying for? In everything you do, beware your motives... ask God to help you have pure motives.

Keri · May 24, 2007

Thanks Shaz! I really needed to hear something like this.

Stratiotes · May 24, 2007

Good post. One thing that helps me is instead of thinking about all the things you love and miss about your ex, think about the things you didn't like. I'm not sure if this is Godly, but I'm not suggesting that you harbor anger or anything, simply find things that you are glad to be free of.

Stratiotes · May 24, 2007

Double post

arborvita · May 24, 2007

Good Post. The big thing that does help me is prayer. Sometimes I have those thoughts that bring up those memories/feelings and I immediatly start to pray and the Lord makes away and I move on.

ImperialPhantom · May 24, 2007

Don't talk to them 'just as friends' immediately after the breakup. You need time to heal, and that sort of talking will re-open old wounds. You can be friends with him - just wait until the wound has healed.

Periann · May 24, 2007

I agree with Imperial Phantom, staying close friends with your ex right after a break up is asking for trouble IMO.

Shazamataz · May 24, 2007

Stratiotes said:
Good post. One thing that helps me is instead of thinking about all the things you love and miss about your ex, think about the things you didn't like. I'm not sure if this is Godly, but I'm not suggesting that you harbor anger or anything, simply find things that you are glad to be free of.

I'm not sure thats really a good things to do... it could make you bitter... wouldn't it better to see them through God's eyes? and pray about it?

ImperialPhantom said:
Don't talk to them 'just as friends' immediately after the breakup. You need time to heal, and that sort of talking will re-open old wounds. You can be friends with him - just wait until the wound has healed.

And don't let any "well meaning" friends try to tell you when you've had enough time to heal... thats between you and God!! You take as much time as you need

Mrs. Luther073082 · May 24, 2007

ImperialPhantom said:
Don't talk to them 'just as friends' immediately after the breakup.

qft

Im_A · May 24, 2007

Shazamataz said:
I sense that many of us here struggle with getting over our exes... so I thought it might be helpful for us to discuss healthy, Godly ways for us to overcome these struggles. Becuase, lets face it, whether we like to admit it or not, it is quite hard to just get over someone that you have so intimately shared your life with! (Even if it was only for a few weeks!!! lol)

This is not a place to get into heated discussions or the like, but a place for us all to grow together and encourage one another in the Lord as we seek to focus on Him rather than an ex. However, feel free to agree or disagree with what is said... just be nice!

I will start by saying some things I learnt from my mentor...

Firstly, we need to take control of our thoughts and make an effort to stop thinking about them so often. When a thought about your ex comes into your mind, make a concious effort to banish that thought.

Secondly, remove the things that remind us of them. I know from experience that this is not always possible... sometimes, especially if you've been with them for a long time, everything reminds you of them. So I suggest that everytime you are reminded of them, pray instead of dwelling in the memory. We all do it, but it isn't helpful to be continually dwelling in the memories. Also, don't deliberately look at photos or listen to music that will remind you of them.

Thirdly, make a concious effort to stop talking about them all the time. That is not helpful to you. If need be, ask your friends to stop asking you about them or mentioning the to you while you are learning to live without them.

Fourthly, pray, pray, PRAY!! And if you feel like God has left you... still pray!! Nothing is more important tha praying!!! But, beware, the trap... "but I'm praying for him/her!! Thats a good thing to do!" yes, it is. But what is your motive for praying for them and what exactly are you praying for? In everything you do, beware your motives... ask God to help you have pure motives.

i don't disagree with any of this.

just live life is all i can add. when the times come that you get sad over the whole ex thing, then deal with it, and not run away from it, so one can progress further in getting over the person and be ready for the new relationship that comes along.

Stratiotes · May 24, 2007

Shazamataz said:
I'm not sure thats really a good things to do... it could make you bitter... wouldn't it better to see them through God's eyes? and pray about it?

You're right, but I don't mean to suggest dwelling on things that make you angry. I'm just saying to look for reasons to appreciate your situation in some way. I don't really have any negative feelings toward my ex as a person, but there are some reasons that I now believe we would have faced some problems in the future as a couple--but that as friends aren't a problem. And every since I stopped dwelling on everything that I miss about her and instead think about reasons that I am glad to just be friends with her, I've recovered a little more everyday.

overit · May 25, 2007

ImperialPhantom said:
Don't talk to them 'just as friends' immediately after the breakup. You need time to heal, and that sort of talking will re-open old wounds. You can be friends with him - just wait until the wound has healed.

This is good advice, but it depends on the nature of the breakup also and the seriousness of the relationship. The last guy I dated, well it didn't end nicely and it wasn't my doing. We had been friends b4 we dated so there was a friendship foundation.

It took me 6 months to get past how hurt/upset I was with him but as of 2 wks ago we started communicating again, and though I'm much more reserved and somewhat standoffish we have been able to move past things to a good extent.

plum · May 25, 2007

i'm not sure if this was mentioned... but it's on the tails of IP's post.

We all heal at different rates, and we have individual issues to go through in our own time. One thing I discovered after my last breakup (after a 2.5 yr relationship) is that he needed a lot more time than I did to get through it. So instead of trying to be friendly right away I had to actually cut off contact with him so he could get through it without confusion or added confusion that my presence in his life may have caused. This was honestly the best thing that could have happened for the breakup, so I'm very pleased with it. And I'm not initiating contact with him. If he wants to email me, he can. If he wants to call to tell me about his sick father, I welcome it. But I can't be the initiator. I don't want to hurt him or set him back.

I feel like I'm protecting him from myself in a way... but so he can heal, not because I ever wish him harm or unhappiness.

Jenster · May 25, 2007

This is not so much a tip on healing as an observation. (When it comes to tips, I agree with the OP.) Sometimes a break up will open up a bunch of issues that you'd never considered or had to deal with before. Issues like what is grace, how to forgive, the nature of God's justice, boundaries, self-esteem, idolatry, priorities, etc. In that case, it seems to me that healing takes longer as you process your thoughts and feelings about the issues, as well as about the break up. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a longer time to recover. It can be more beneficial in the long run.

At the same time, if you know people who got over their exes quickly, it might have been that the relationship wasn't all that bad (no abuse), it didn't raise issues for them, or they just handle things differently.

Shazamataz · May 25, 2007

Jenster said:
This is not so much a tip on healing as an observation. (When it comes to tips, I agree with the OP.) Sometimes a break up will open up a bunch of issues that you'd never considered or had to deal with before. Issues like what is grace, how to forgive, the nature of God's justice, boundaries, self-esteem, idolatry, priorities, etc. In that case, it seems to me that healing takes longer as you process your thoughts and feelings about the issues, as well as about the break up. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a longer time to recover. It can be more beneficial in the long run.

In my breakup, I had to deal with that stuff, but the breakup also lead to a major faith struggle and relearning about God and faith!

And this also goes with my comment before about friends telling you to move on while you're still dealing with other issues!!

Good point Jenster!!

JPPT1974 · May 25, 2007

Shazamataz said:
In my breakup, I had to deal with that stuff, but the breakup also lead to a major faith struggle and relearning about God and faith!

And this also goes with my comment before about friends telling you to move on while you're still dealing with other issues!!

Good point Jenster!!

Remember God wants you to grow
In Him when all seems loss
Because in Him, all is not lost at all!

jrzygrl4christ · May 26, 2007

Thank you. I REALLY need help in this area. Last month, my fiance backed a U-Haul truck up to my condo after I left for work and moved his things out. He is now living at his father's house and dating a stripper!!! As much as I can logically know this is the best thing that could have happened, my heart still hurts. Whenever I feel myself starting to think about him or miss him, I can turn to God and replace my hurt and anxiety with love from above!

Stratiotes · May 26, 2007

eirene said:
i'm not sure if this was mentioned... but it's on the tails of IP's post.

We all heal at different rates, and we have individual issues to go through in our own time. One thing I discovered after my last breakup (after a 2.5 yr relationship) is that he needed a lot more time than I did to get through it. So instead of trying to be friendly right away I had to actually cut off contact with him so he could get through it without confusion or added confusion that my presence in his life may have caused. This was honestly the best thing that could have happened for the breakup, so I'm very pleased with it. And I'm not initiating contact with him. If he wants to email me, he can. If he wants to call to tell me about his sick father, I welcome it. But I can't be the initiator. I don't want to hurt him or set him back.

I feel like I'm protecting him from myself in a way... but so he can heal, not because I ever wish him harm or unhappiness.

That is really cool. He probably doesn't realize how much you're protecting him, but I really respect this. I'm fine being friends with my ex now, but wow at first I didn't know how on earth i was supposed to be friends with her. Not only did she want to keep hanging out, she wanted to hang out the very next day, and then when I wasn't my normal happy self she got upset at me. The next day she said "Where is the old you? I want to see the happy you". I responded "I'm trying to be" and her exact words were "Thanks for THAT slap in the face! Don't you think I'm hurting too?"

lol... now i can look back on it and I'm ok, but wow at the time I was hurt and frustrated that she expected me to get over our breakup and be her happy best friend the very next day.
Ok so I guess it still bugs me a lil bit... but thanks to all of you for allowing me to vent again

Helpful, healthy, Godly ways to get over you ex (discussion)

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