Hello.

Extraneous · Jan 29, 2016

Hi, im in my early 40's, live in the USA, and i believe in Jesus Christ. Please allow me to share things that i struggle with.

I have many mental problems. I look back on my life and i see that i was never normal, but i did at one time have a bit more stability than i have now. Since then however, i have sunk deep into a state of total dysfunction. I am deeply disturbed and incapable of functioning as a human being. I am haunted by the past, and when i go to sleep the past haunts me, and when i wake up its much the same. I am tortured by my own failures as a man, a brother, an uncle, a son, a nephew, and as a normal human being altogether. I am also tortured by horrible memories of how people have treated me over the many years of my life. I want to forget it all but i can't. Its very difficult waking up each day, and although i am able to find a small measure of peace after i am fully awake, its sometimes very difficult getting to that point. I also have trouble sleeping, and i often wake up into this nightmare which haunts my thinking.

Judging myself by Gods truth i am no good, i am more than a sinner, i am scum. My only hope is in Gods mercy. I do nothing for God in the way of Christian service, because it will always lead to disaster. I should never again try to do anything good because i will fail. The idea of love and Christian brotherhood is a lovely thought to me, but i don't fit in and so it seems like a dream but not a reality for me personally. I have lost all faith in myself and in the Church as well. I have searched scripture, and from it i have formed a personal understanding of right and wrong. The Church has fallen well short of what i see in scripture (Prosperity preaching for example). I wont listen to preachers anymore, and i don't care to hear their promises of healing or prosperity. The Church has failed, and i myself have also failed. Some Churches may say they have faith and that they help people, but i have yet to see the Church that i read about in scripture. The Church i read about in scripture sold all their possessions and shared them, no one had more than they needed and no one lacked anything. (Acts 4:34 and 2 Corinthians 8:15) This however is not what i see in today's Church. I instead see some people having more than they need while others have nothing, or not enough. I have no faith in government politician either. My only hope is that God will have mercy on us all, not just us but non believers as well. I have no idea if scripture supports this hope of mine, and i really don't care to debate it because it will not change anything, and so i just keep hoping in mercy.

I really should not be here in this forum because i cannot cope with the political and religious division that i see in this world, and i also struggle with relationships with other people because of my mental illness. I have never sought medical help for my affliction so i have no idea whats wrong with me exactly, but i suspect that i am suffering from many things. Im often paranoid, depressed, obsessed, confused, and perhaps a bit delusional at times, but im unsure. I wonder if perhaps i may suffer from many personality disorders, or maybe schizophrenia, and quite possible PTSD. All i know for sure is that i am very screwed up and should avoid other people, but i fear that being isolated may have a bad effects on my mental health, therefore i decided that maybe i would try to find a little fellowship in this mental health forum. Maybe this is a mistake, and maybe i am doomed to repeat the same mistake i have made many times before, i don't know but i suppose that i need a break from my isolation.

My life has become a struggle for survival. I just want to find a measure of peace and happiness because i have suffered more than i can bear. I dont have any answers, and all i have left is hope in Gods mercy, and hope that one day i will die and find the peace that my soul thirsts for.

Press On · Jan 29, 2016

Welcome to the forum! Hope you will stay around.

patrick jane · Jan 29, 2016

Hello from the other side . . .

Extraneous · Jan 29, 2016

Press On said:
Welcome to the forum! Hope you will stay around.

Thank you.

Extraneous · Jan 29, 2016

patrick jane said:
Hello from the other side . . .

Thank you. Where are you from?

patrick jane · Jan 29, 2016

Extraneous said:
Thank you. Where are you from?

St. Louis

Extraneous · Jan 29, 2016

patrick jane said:
St. Louis

When you welcomed me from the other side, i assumed you meant the other side of the world. lol. Obviously that's not what you meant i guess. Maybe i'll rephrase the question. What, or where, is the other side?

Tempura · Jan 29, 2016

I would suggest you to get help, brother. Are you against treatments, medicine, therapy and all that? If so, I won't press you. But I know people who have clearly benefited from them, myself included. Not that there weren't setbacks at times too, there were, but in the end, I am now over the worst, and I did need the help. Of course I respect whatever you decide to do, but the symptoms you described are something familiar, reminding me of few people I know. Most of them needed help, and all of them rejected that help as long as they could, of course making their situation worse.

About paranoia-related conditions, you'll find some people in this part of the site who suffer or have suffered from things like that, and I hope you guys find each other. I'm sure you will. You will see people struggling with all kinds of mental health issues and disorders and supporting each other.

I'm nothing either. Full of faults, regret and mistakes. The love of God in Jesus Christ, or at least the hope I manage to muster in Him, is the only answer for me that can bring peace. Not only peace for myself just for my own sake, but at times I can love others better too. And that's God's love too, my love is very imperfect and selfish. But He can use us.

I know coming to this site is hard, with what you described and what we talked about in the other thread. That's why I don't wander off from this specific forum. I'll only get useless rage out of it. I've quit this site a couple of times, but this time I think I'll stick around.

Usually the people here are very understanding. Most of the people here mean well, even if we don't all always agree. I see a lot of people encouraging each others' faith and sometimes offering practical advice too. Many feel a lot like you, like they're nothing, even like they're scum, and many straight up hate themselves to the point that suicide comes up every now and again. A lot of broken hearts. But I admire many of them. They often give glory to God, even if they struggle, and they want to cling to that hope that is in Christ. Many have humble, kind hearts. It pains me to see that the kindest hearts are so often broken, feeling like they don't matter.

In our own ways, we all struggle here. So welcome, let's all struggle together. Hang around!

Extraneous · Jan 29, 2016

Tempura said:
Just putting this here, I will edit this to a longer response later.

But welcome! Good to have you here.

Thank you.

patrick jane · Jan 29, 2016

Extraneous said:
When you welcomed me from the other side, i assumed you meant the other side of the world. lol. Obviously that's not what you meant i guess. Maybe i'll rephrase the question. What, or where, is the other side?

The Adele somg

Jeshu · Jan 29, 2016

A lot of the things you are going through I have been through, in particularly do I relate to having bad memories haunt me from within, as I'm a victim of a serious sexual assault and have been pretty much messed up. I'm also mentally ill - schizo -affective disorder - and currently am on meds but still struggling. I have suffered from severe depression for many years of my life but with Jesus managed to overcome the power of depression even though I still get depressed at times because I have a depressive illness. However I produce good life now instead of bad life.

I found that loving truthfully is the answer to all our problems. because when we learn to love God, ourself and our neighbour as ourself, then we will be able to get away from our troubles and find safety with Him. I know it is hard task but faith in God's loving grace - as you have already - will help you attain this price.

Be of good courage you are dearly loved by God and His Son Jesus can get you away from your downtrodden status - in His kingdom the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

I wrote a prose about how faith in Christ can get you through this and away from trouble, I would like to share with you.

What Can I Say About Suffering

What can I say, about what have I learned from our Heavenly Father? I can see now that evil lies cause pain to be alive within human existence. I have watched how isolation, forces lies down into suffering souls - as The Wicked cut all ties with truthful love and our crushing depression generate its own misery in our agonising hell down there. I know that in the Pit all lies end up - dragging us down living dead. Yet why would I continue to let bad life be dominant in my inner world of awareness and not God's loving truth to rule my every moment?

I have learned that creeds, values and morals are rules upon rules ruling. Still wicked lies spread like maggots through my flesh, killing all goodness within me, because I'm imperfect! To just let it be and move on is best I learned about that. And so The Word of God spoken in love for God, self and neighbour, is The Voice to heed at all times.

I have experienced that time brings good and bad, up and down, far and wide for everyone. Yet the power of God's love, as even bad sin and great failings ruled me, couldn't subdue Jesus grace over me as His loving truth set me free to be myself - time and again.

I understand that anguish speaks to those experiencing life truly untrue and lovelessly - and that our Heavenly Father never wanted this to rule His kids. Indeed I know that my wretchedness longs for the demise of all my agony. So that misery may never rule my life again, no more Bad Life overshadowing my here and now, instead freedom for me. For in God's loving truth, even through much hurt, I can finally stay on top of things, my loveless lies to hand to Christ as God's Good Life grows within in Return.

I know now that loving truth is the only useful weapon against the forces of evil. Complete freedom for me if I heed God's love in truth to rule my daily life. So why would I foolishly keep letting malefic lies decide my future. Why not forgive, why leave truthful love? While I know that only God's good makes my life a worthwhile experience?

I have seen that life is genuinely worth living in honest loving togetherness. Where everyone who exists is esteemed because they are specially made. For our real value lays not in how much gain we can yield for others. But simply because all existence speaks of life's importance to be loved. The communion of Saints - true love loving people doing the loving - is very important therefore.

So I choose loving truthfulness to steer me through those terrible storms down here. For even through extraordinary agony and times of incredible much suffering. God's truth preserves my life. His loving goodness keeping me from falling. As I found that warm-heartedness is truly effective against the deadly chill of devil's breath.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

patrick jane said:
The Adele somg

Im not sure what that is, sorry. If i may ask, do you suffer with depression or any other problems?

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

Jeshu said:
A lot of the things you are going through I have been through, in particularly do I relate to having bad memories haunt me from within, as I'm a victim of a serious sexual assault and have been pretty much messed up. I'm also mentally ill - schizo -affective disorder - and currently am on meds but still struggling. I have suffered from severe depression for many years of my life but with Jesus managed to overcome the power of depression even though I still get depressed at times because I have a depressive illness. However I produce good life now instead of bad life.

I found that loving truthfully is the answer to all our problems. because when we learn to love God, ourself and our neighbour as ourself, then we will be able to get away from our troubles and find safety with Him. I know it is hard task but faith in God's loving grace - as you have already - will help you attain this price.

Be of good courage you are dearly loved by God and His Son Jesus can get you away from your downtrodden status - in His kingdom the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

I wrote a prose about how faith in Christ can get you through this and away from trouble, I would like to share with you.

What Can I Say About Suffering

What can I say, about what have I learned from our Heavenly Father? I can see now that evil lies cause pain to be alive within human existence. I have watched how isolation, forces lies down into suffering souls - as The Wicked cut all ties with truthful love and our crushing depression generate its own misery in our agonising hell down there. I know that in the Pit all lies end up - dragging us down living dead. Yet why would I continue to let bad life be dominant in my inner world of awareness and not God's loving truth to rule my every moment?

I have learned that creeds, values and morals are rules upon rules ruling. Still wicked lies spread like maggots through my flesh, killing all goodness within me, because I'm imperfect! To just let it be and move on is best I learned about that. And so The Word of God spoken in love for God, self and neighbour, is The Voice to heed at all times.

I have experienced that time brings good and bad, up and down, far and wide for everyone. Yet the power of God's love, as even bad sin and great failings ruled me, couldn't subdue Jesus grace over me as His loving truth set me free to be myself - time and again.

I understand that anguish speaks to those experiencing life truly untrue and lovelessly - and that our Heavenly Father never wanted this to rule His kids. Indeed I know that my wretchedness longs for the demise of all my agony. So that misery may never rule my life again, no more Bad Life overshadowing my here and now, instead freedom for me. For in God's loving truth, even through much hurt, I can finally stay on top of things, my loveless lies to hand to Christ as God's Good Life grows within in Return.

I know now that loving truth is the only useful weapon against the forces of evil. Complete freedom for me if I heed God's love in truth to rule my daily life. So why would I foolishly keep letting malefic lies decide my future. Why not forgive, why leave truthful love? While I know that only God's good makes my life a worthwhile experience?

I have seen that life is genuinely worth living in honest loving togetherness. Where everyone who exists is esteemed because they are specially made. For our real value lays not in how much gain we can yield for others. But simply because all existence speaks of life's importance to be loved. The communion of Saints - true love loving people doing the loving - is very important therefore.

So I choose loving truthfulness to steer me through those terrible storms down here. For even through extraordinary agony and times of incredible much suffering. God's truth preserves my life. His loving goodness keeping me from falling. As I found that warm-heartedness is truly effective against the deadly chill of devil's breath.

Thank you. I read your prose in another thread and its one of the reasons i replied to your post in that thread. Your words seem to reflect an internal struggle, one that i am personally familiar with. You mentioned love and thats one reason i dislike the things that i mentioned in my original post above. Those things do not reflect or promote love, in my opinion. Im not perfect either, i dislike my own failures just as much. I really dont see how i can be more positive about things. I cant just ignore what i see and act like everything is good when its not. I dont believe in miracles that these preachers promise us, i dont buy all the promises that they "sell" to us. I believe in the Lord though, and in love.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

I believe in trying our best to be positive and to also enjoy life instead of wallowing in suffering all the time, but i also believe in not hiding our suffering. Its apart of life, at least mine anyway, and it does no good to act like its not. For me hope is to be realized in heaven and that's the promise that i am focusing on. I'm too messed up to act like i dont suffer. Im looking to heaven for my redemption, and i'll try to be happy here on earth as much as possible, but i cant pretend. Im getting too old and too tired to pretend.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

I cant quite articulate myself here. Maybe i dont know what to say, maybe i dont even know what my problem is. All i do know is that i have heard it all, i have prayed and waited and nothing changes. Maybe its my fault, who knows. What i do know is that no one can change my circumstances with words. People can tell me to do this and do that, but at the end of the day i feel like im not in control of anything, and all i can do is go along for the ride. I do try my best regardless, but i refuse to be subjected to guilt trips by other people who think i can change if i just believed enough, if i just had more faith. I been down that road and its not one that i am going to walk again. The bible teaches us that we should be looking to heaven, and thats about all i can do. Life has been hard, but i still look to heaven because thats where i see hope. When i die, then my struggles will be over. Till then i can do nothing but wait.

Jeshu · Jan 30, 2016

Extraneous said:
I cant quite articulate myself here. Maybe i dont know what to say, maybe i dont even know what my problem is. All i do know is that i have heard it all, i have prayed and waited and nothing changes. Maybe its my fault, who knows. What i do know is that no one can change my circumstances with words. People can tell me to do this and do that, but at the end of the day i feel like im not in control of anything, and all i can do is go along for the ride. I do try my best regardless, but i refuse to be subjected to guilt trips by other people who think i can change if i just believed enough, if i just had more faith. I been down that road and its not one that i am going to walk again. The bible teaches us that we should be looking to heaven, and thats about all i can do. Life has been hard, but i still look to heaven because thats where i see hope. When i die, then my struggles will be over. Till then i can do nothing but wait.

Yes I know how that goes prayers with out answers I prayed to that God as well and nothing came my way but suffering.
Sy story might surprise you, it is one of severe suffering for a long time. It became that bad that I cursed my god to his face - thinking he was up in Heaven enjoying himself while I was in terrible darkness and misery. I didn't want a god like that. Or one who was guilty of creating me with a mental illness, I have suffered from all of this for a long as I can remember. Oh I had so many charges against the god of my imagination but he never answered me back or gave me anything. So I got tired of serving him.

Then one day I noticed that the words of the bible - echoed in my heart as well and that the Spirit in which I heard it speak was loving kind and gentle. I realised I was looking Jesus in the eyes right there and then while I was so deeply in my pit! (I had been suicidal) Instantly I raged at Jesus! I was so angry about so many things that I thought He as God had a hand in. However all my words bounced right off Him - Jesus is totally innocent of any wrongs - and as Jesus says Himself - when you see me than you see The Father - I knew God the Father was innocent of wrong as well.

And then I knew that I was guilty myself for so much of it - because Jesus is the truth - and I was not. I was deep in my misery. Sitting on the same chair I sat on day in day out for years agreeing with some very bad spiritualities that told my mind some very bad lies. Spiritualities like hopelessness, despair, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, anger, dishonesty, hate, pride, arrogance, lust, greed and fear, so incredible much fear. Jesus knew them all and He knew what I had brought forth listening to spiritualities like that, my life of misery. Only just before I had raged at Jesus, but now I was quietly reading His replies - what you sow you shall harvest - He said. (What he showed me inside my heart He confirmed in the Bible that is how I knew He was true and not just my mind gone mad.)

I have spoken with Him like this ever since. Though I don't read the bible as much as I used to but know its truths by heart and let them lead me. It is incredible how much He has taught me including to leave my life of sin behind and seek to love God and my neighbour and myself as well. It has been hard, especially loving myself because I hated my self dearly in my old life - unbelievable how much misery that has brought me.

What I'm saying is that you can have a very intimate relationship with Him. He has taught me to love everybody and everything created, but not evil wrong I hate that with a passion. Did you know that evil wrong crucified our Lord and brought us a life of misery? We are allowed to hate the wicked, they are not people, but the powers of the air, it is them that we battle with and it is them that lie to us and bring us pain. They are really aliens (satan took them out of the abyss) who invade our space and then pollute it with their crappy lies.

In reality the bible is a blue print of our inner world of being. From A to Z it explains how we have been created and what we do wrong and what is right. Unbelievable what freedom God's law brings, it is completely spiritual and speaks about what forces dwell in our hearts and how to interact with them.

For you it is not about praying as much as watching.

For example have you found
The great dragon?
The great prostitute?
The false prophet?
The lawless one?
The numbered?

Within your own inner world?

Yes that is right we are not fighting flesh and blood but spiritual forces that control this sinful world and have led humanity away from their Creator and is leading them to certain doom. The wicked dwell within us twisting our minds with their lies and keeping us away from God's truth which has the power to set us free.

satan has done everything to bring God's wrath down on humanity, but not God but humanity itself, under influence of the wicked, have brought incredible misery down upon ourselves. Just think of the 1st and 2sec world wars - hundred of millions of people died in those wars and even more were maimed and wounded. That is suffering on a grand scale because of sinful people doing sinful things and has nothing to do with God as a matter of fact the bible tells us that God suffers evil.

Illness is just like that it has all come around because of our wrongs, we have mentally, spiritually, physically, historically and even futuristically as well. Now physically we can often get medications to help us on our way but spiritually we need a saviour to get us away from our sinful inclinations.

So yes if you are seeking God then you can indeed find Him. Go learn to love God, (yourself) and your neighbour as yourself and God will come with His Son Jesus and make His dwelling place inside of your inner reality. John 14:23 It is awesome to have love Himself dwelling inside of your dwelling place that's for sure and my wish is that everybody on this earth will seek and find Him as their personal God and Redeemer, He is totally awesome!

Oh by the way did you read this poem?

Zion Descending

At first I heard Dad say,
"Son let us make tracks,
its near getting dark now,
the chosen are all asleep,
now would be best,
as darkness reigns its peak,
for arrogance has him blinded,
to what is really going on."

I saw the sunlight darkened,
the moon turn to blood,
and the stars falling from Heaven.
I felt everything shaking in its boots.
I heard about wars and rumours of wars.
I experienced famine and drought,
grand scale living in wantonness,
rulers making a living out of sin,
Satan's forces installed everywhere,
loveless forces ruling untruthfully.

I heard my inner world crying out in her dying pain,
"What is going on?
The Father is leaving us without the Son,
this can only evil mean."
I heard the angels blow the trumpets!
"Woe to the inhabitants of this soul!"

I heard the agonising cries,
coming from underneath the altar,
the dead in God's love, longingly,
awaiting newness of life!
"Yes, oh Lord, pour out their blood as they did ours!"

I heard the thunders rolling throughout my being,
"Let evil brood fear The Truth of God almighty!
Let judgement begin in The House of God!"

I knew judgement had already began,
when I beheld those massive hails stones,
tumbling down on the heads of the wicked.
I watched my enemies flee in terror!
Scorpion stings burning wrong,
horse hooves kicking up dirt,
truthfulness uncovering shame,
honesty baring nakedness,
the dung of the earth warring,
lies sores causing agony,
pestilence threatening,
as grasshoppers devoured,
my enemies food and good life!

It was fascinating to see,
how weak those are...,
.....so strong in lies!

Yes, honest!
Loving truth is like that!
The freedom to be,
true to yourself,
both in good and bad,
in His love to be.

Oh the release of faith!
Heart rendering awe!
Shouts of glorious praise!
Jumping joy - pure ecstasy!
Glorying in God almighty,
my life's tormentors died,
perishing one after the other.

Seeing Jesus on His white horse,
a blazing sword coming out of His mouth,
His all conquering loving truth
my inner world of being to reap.
Casting dead what is so good to have gone,
raising alive that which I had lost,
bringing new life at each dawn,
His kingdom ruling my world of being,
His presence bringing rest and peace.

Time and again He comes past like this,
(terrorising the wicked agonising their mates demise,)
as all His wheels turn into place.
The Word alive in heavenly love.
Costly gifts descending from above.
beholding the temple of the most high,
the truth of His love Himself my Zion.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

Jeshu said:
Yes I know how that goes prayers with out answers I prayed to that God as well and nothing came my way but suffering.
Sy story might surprise you, it is one of severe suffering for a long time. It became that bad that I cursed my god to his face - thinking he was up in Heaven enjoying himself while I was in terrible darkness and misery. I didn't want a god like that. Or one who was guilty of creating me with a mental illness, I have suffered from all of this for a long as I can remember. Oh I had so many charges against the god of my imagination but he never answered me back or gave me anything. So I got tired of serving him.

Then one day I noticed that the words of the bible - echoed in my heart as well and that the Spirit in which I heard it speak was loving kind and gentle. I realised I was looking Jesus in the eyes right there and then while I was so deeply in my pit! (I had been suicidal) Instantly I raged at Jesus! I was so angry about so many things that I thought He as God had a hand in. However all my words bounced right off Him - Jesus is totally innocent of any wrongs - and as Jesus says Himself - when you see me than you see The Father - I knew God the Father was innocent of wrong as well.

And then I knew that I was guilty myself for so much of it - because Jesus is the truth - and I was not. I was deep in my misery. Sitting on the same chair I sat on day in day out for years agreeing with some very bad spiritualities that told my mind some very bad lies. Spiritualities like hopelessness, despair, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, anger, dishonesty, hate, pride, arrogance, lust, greed and fear, so incredible much fear. Jesus knew them all and He knew what I had brought forth listening to spiritualities like that, my life of misery. Only just before I had raged at Jesus, but now I was quietly reading His replies - what you sow you shall harvest - He said. (What he showed me inside my heart He confirmed in the Bible that is how I knew He was true and not just my mind gone mad.)

I have spoken with Him like this ever since. Though I don't read the bible as much as I used to but know its truths by heart and let them lead me. It is incredible how much He has taught me including to leave my life of sin behind and seek to love God and my neighbour and myself as well. It has been hard, especially loving myself because I hated my self dearly in my old life - unbelievable how much misery that has brought me.

What I'm saying is that you can have a very intimate relationship with Him. He has taught me to love everybody and everything created, but not evil wrong I hate that with a passion. Did you know that evil wrong crucified our Lord and brought us a life of misery? We are allowed to hate the wicked, they are not people, but the powers of the air, it is them that we battle with and it is them that lie to us and bring us pain. They are really aliens (satan took them out of the abyss) who invade our space and then pollute it with their crappy lies.

In reality the bible is a blue print of our inner world of being. From A to Z it explains how we have been created and what we do wrong and what is right. Unbelievable what freedom God's law brings, it is completely spiritual and speaks about what forces dwell in our hearts and how to interact with them.

For you it is not about praying as much as watching.

For example have you found
The great dragon?
The great prostitute?
The false prophet?
The lawless one?
The numbered?

Within your own inner world?

Yes that is right we are not fighting flesh and blood but spiritual forces that control this sinful world and have led humanity away from their Creator and is leading them to certain doom. The wicked dwell within us twisting our minds with their lies and keeping us away from God's truth which has the power to set us free.

satan has done everything to bring God's wrath down on humanity, but not God but humanity itself, under influence of the wicked, have brought incredible misery down upon ourselves. Just think of the 1st and 2sec world wars - hundred of millions of people died in those wars and even more were maimed and wounded. That is suffering on a grand scale because of sinful people doing sinful things and has nothing to do with God as a matter of fact the bible tells us that God suffers evil.

Illness is just like that it has all come around because of our wrongs, we have mentally, spiritually, physically, historically and even futuristically as well. Now physically we can often get medications to help us on our way but spiritually we need a saviour to get us away from our sinful inclinations.

So yes if you are seeking God then you can indeed find Him. Go learn to love God, (yourself) and your neighbour as yourself and God will come with His Son Jesus and make His dwelling place inside of your inner reality. John 14:23 It is awesome to have love Himself dwelling inside of your dwelling place that's for sure and my wish is that everybody on this earth will seek and find Him as their personal God and Redeemer, He is totally awesome!

Oh by the way did you read this poem?

Zion Descending

At first I heard Dad say,
"Son let us make tracks,
its near getting dark now,
the chosen are all asleep,
now would be best,
as darkness reigns its peak,
for arrogance has him blinded,
to what is really going on."

I saw the sunlight darkened,
the moon turn to blood,
and the stars falling from Heaven.
I felt everything shaking in its boots.
I heard about wars and rumours of wars.
I experienced famine and drought,
grand scale living in wantonness,
rulers making a living out of sin,
Satan's forces installed everywhere,
loveless forces ruling untruthfully.

I heard my inner world crying out in her dying pain,
"What is going on?
The Father is leaving us without the Son,
this can only evil mean."
I heard the angels blow the trumpets!
"Woe to the inhabitants of this soul!"

I heard the agonising cries,
coming from underneath the altar,
the dead in God's love, longingly,
awaiting newness of life!
"Yes, oh Lord, pour out their blood as they did ours!"

I heard the thunders rolling throughout my being,
"Let evil brood fear The Truth of God almighty!
Let judgement begin in The House of God!"

I knew judgement had already began,
when I beheld those massive hails stones,
tumbling down on the heads of the wicked.
I watched my enemies flee in terror!
Scorpion stings burning wrong,
horse hooves kicking up dirt,
truthfulness uncovering shame,
honesty baring nakedness,
the dung of the earth warring,
lies sores causing agony,
pestilence threatening,
as grasshoppers devoured,
my enemies food and good life!

It was fascinating to see,
how weak those are...,
.....so strong in lies!

Yes, honest!
Loving truth is like that!
The freedom to be,
true to yourself,
both in good and bad,
in His love to be.

Oh the release of faith!
Heart rendering awe!
Shouts of glorious praise!
Jumping joy - pure ecstasy!
Glorying in God almighty,
my life's tormentors died,
perishing one after the other.

Seeing Jesus on His white horse,
a blazing sword coming out of His mouth,
His all conquering loving truth
my inner world of being to reap.
Casting dead what is so good to have gone,
raising alive that which I had lost,
bringing new life at each dawn,
His kingdom ruling my world of being,
His presence bringing rest and peace.

Time and again He comes past like this,
(terrorising the wicked agonising their mates demise,)
as all His wheels turn into place.
The Word alive in heavenly love.
Costly gifts descending from above.
beholding the temple of the most high,
the truth of His love Himself my Zion.

Thank you Jeshu. All i know is that i have severe problems.

Tempura · Jan 30, 2016

Extraneous said:
I cant quite articulate myself here. Maybe i dont know what to say, maybe i dont even know what my problem is. All i do know is that i have heard it all, i have prayed and waited and nothing changes. Maybe its my fault, who knows. What i do know is that no one can change my circumstances with words. People can tell me to do this and do that, but at the end of the day i feel like im not in control of anything, and all i can do is go along for the ride. I do try my best regardless, but i refuse to be subjected to guilt trips by other people who think i can change if i just believed enough, if i just had more faith. I been down that road and its not one that i am going to walk again. The bible teaches us that we should be looking to heaven, and thats about all i can do. Life has been hard, but i still look to heaven because thats where i see hope. When i die, then my struggles will be over. Till then i can do nothing but wait.

I think you articulate yourself well enough. You have heard all the easy answers. And I agree, you don't need guilt trips. None of us do. There's difference in shame and guilt that we understand, for example if we did something wrong, and guilt trips just for the sake of it. Guilt trips only bring people down, giving them nothing. Usually people who guilt-trip others, have no idea of the difficulties the other one is going through, it's just an easy way to deal with it for them.

I hope you try to get some treatment to your condition, whatever it is. It's clear you have suffered enough. You might be against treatments, therapies, medicine, I don't know. But I would recommend trying to get some help. If you can't afford it, I could try to give a little if you PM me, we could set something up. I was treated for long and for many times. Many times I refused it, or abused the help I was given, and sometimes some of it didn't help me. But some did, I wouldn't probably be here without that help.

I find your faith inspiring.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

Tempura said:
I think you articulate yourself well enough. You have heard all the easy answers. And I agree, you don't need guilt trips. None of us do. There's difference in shame and guilt that we understand, for example if we did something wrong, and guilt trips just for the sake of it. Guilt trips only bring people down, giving them nothing. Usually people who guilt-trip others, have no idea of the difficulties the other one is going through, it's just an easy way to deal with it for them.

I hope you try to get some treatment to your condition, whatever it is. It's clear you have suffered enough. You might be against treatments, therapies, medicine, I don't know. But I would recommend trying to get some help. If you can't afford it, I could try to give a little if you PM me, we could set something up. I was treated for long and for many times. Many times I refused it, or abused the help I was given, and sometimes some of it didn't help me. But some did, I wouldn't probably be here without that help.

I find your faith inspiring.

Thanks. I don't need money, i just need to go see a doctor. There is government assistance for these things. I dont believe doctors can cure me, and im afraid of allowing them to turn me into a guinea pig for the drug corporations. The reason i need to go is because im unable to work and i need to get on disability. THe problem is getting myself to see a doctor. THey told me that i must first come in early in the morning and talk to a counselor, and they would then determine if i need to talk to a psychiatrist. I have trouble sleeping and other problems as well, and it seems hard getting there.

Extraneous · Jan 30, 2016

I now know that i have mental problems, i was in denial for quite some time. These things make it impossible for me to hold a job. Its a vicious circle. I sit around and it makes my mental problems worse, but its because i have problems that i cant go places like normal people, or hold a job like normal people. Its like my sickness feeds itself.

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