Hello

Hello, This is my introductory. Well, first of all as it would seem these past few years have been really hard on me. When ever i find myself in trouble, or i am contemplating the meaning of life or look for answers not in that regard. Through my brief research or anything i have been doing, I keep ending up with people knocking on my door, inviting to church, or a get together. OR, i end up on a site like this. So i thought what the hell, this has to be more then only a coincidence. I matter as well try to look for answers here. This community seems to be respectful full of decent people.

I'll try to keep this short being strait forward.

First you may wonder where i am getting at? Who am i exactly? I cannot answer that, all i can tell you is that I have moved off the path of the lord years ago. But i feel i have redeemed myself. I still feel lost and unworthy. When i was a teenager I had a near death experience. I saw hell, i saw heaven, i saw angels, light and felt sooooo good and happy. I saw colors i have never seen before, that do not exist here. Literally, if you were to go to heaven as a mortal, your brain would probably explode.

Ne wayz, I have gifts and i still do not know how to use most of them. Or my abilities have faded through time. Right now, i feel like crap. My world is upside down. Nothing makes sense nothing is working out for me. Through nature, through omens i can tell when a message is sent to me. I can read it, and i feel the tingle down my spine, the enlightenment of holy spirit. I know there is a something there to comfort me but i need more then that.

I know, i am all over the place, I could tell you all who read this so much about myself. Seeing ghosts and talking to them, seeing the most amazing stuff that would widen your eyes in shock. Things you cannot put a label on.

So right now i will get to the point since i have already said wayyy yo much... I stand as a good man, god let me know that, people whom i admire who passed away came to me in my vivid dreams to tell me that. But what i dont get is from my near death experience i was told by my great grandfather long story short, " It is not your time, You have work to do, You are too young " lol besides the your too young, i was just a kid, i understand that, but.... Work to do? Or maybe im looking to hard at it.

Through my crazy life, I have seen both light and dark, Without light darkness wouldnt exist. I am doing my best to make god proud, but I have the worst luck in the world. In that sense, It is only a superstition to say if you have bad luck. But i feel as if god purposely has me tied down? How do i break these chains? Why cant i live a normal life? I try to read scripture buy my eyes go blind and i cant think but i feel the power of the lord. Its all makes no sense. I try to do the right thing, but then i am repelled, cast aside like a rag doll.

I have seen nothing but the darkside of this life and experienced bad luck. I do not envy and I know everyone suffers from something. Not the the extreme, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids whom you consider your best friend. and later only you and a few others are the only ones left alive. It all adds up to questions nobody can answer. I am lost, i feel like a failure cause i cant do anything in this life. I over dosed on drugs last January my depression got the best of me but i felt death to be very comforting. I had another death experience there but i cant remember it other then I know made somebody very upset. I keep slipping no madder how hard i try to turn things around. So through all of these experiences it taught me somethings. It got me into reading Philosophy, Aristotle, Jung, Freud, Cicero, Marcus Arleius.... My mind is open baby.

Its like i know my own philosophy of life, I could sit and tell you everything i know, my opinions on how god wants you to live your life. but at the same time, nobody wants to hear it and regards me as a eccentric lunatic. I feel like i am at the end of the rope. I just want to let go and disappear, at the same time, i wanna do what i have always been good at, and that is helping people. From aa meetings to a councilor for teenagers in my past, It makes me feel good and keeps my mind off the darkness.

If i could i would do that kinda of stuff again, but its hard to jump in a crowd anymore, people are so different now a days.

I will have questions, and i will try to include my self in conversations i find interesting.


I wish god could send me an angel who could chill with me, go fishing and talk about life or something or crack jokes about Jesus hahaha. Thats exactly what i need right now.