I friend had this on their xanga, and I thought you all might appreciate it.
The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the
first
and great commandment.
2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved
as he
can.
3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for
Christ,
which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my
personallordandsaviour
4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of
Accountability.
5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind
must
needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the
division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is
different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose
and grace
which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but
according
to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in
my own
words.
7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision,
how then
can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is
therefore
dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside
the door
of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let
Him in.
8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture
saith,
we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that
we are
sick or injured in them.
9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I
prayed
the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official
Decision
card.
10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we
may
win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief
aid
whereby we may win souls.
16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan
for
history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful
enough to
thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful
Plan
for my life.
17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win
souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which
we must
always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in
vanity
and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives
until
the day we got saved.
18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls
in a
spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized
Crusades and
Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best
conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys'
Brigade, the
Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of
Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of
Tribulationism,
and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of
Arminianism.
21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such
thing would
not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.
23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by
having my Daily Quiet Time.
24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our
eyes.
25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a
prayer, or
use one that hath been written down.
26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read
to his
soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books
of
Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.
28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel,
and who
doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.
29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing,
movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.
30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic
Church
whereby men are drawn into idolatry.
31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in
the
which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body
and
blood.
32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that
seems
quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean
it.
33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time
who
have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a
sermon,
fellowship and donuts.
34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.
35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no
authority in
the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters,
deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his
own
authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century:
expressly,
since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling
Evangelists carrying tents across America.
38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in
which the
Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly
appear.
39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape
these
dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our
Blessed
Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.
40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.
41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you
be?
A: There.
42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!
44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.
The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the
first
and great commandment.
2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved
as he
can.
3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for
Christ,
which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my
personallordandsaviour
4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of
Accountability.
5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind
must
needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the
division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is
different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose
and grace
which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but
according
to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in
my own
words.
7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision,
how then
can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is
therefore
dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside
the door
of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let
Him in.
8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture
saith,
we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that
we are
sick or injured in them.
9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I
prayed
the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official
Decision
card.
10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we
may
win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief
aid
whereby we may win souls.
16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan
for
history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful
enough to
thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful
Plan
for my life.
17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win
souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which
we must
always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in
vanity
and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives
until
the day we got saved.
18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls
in a
spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized
Crusades and
Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best
conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys'
Brigade, the
Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of
Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of
Tribulationism,
and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of
Arminianism.
21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such
thing would
not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.
23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by
having my Daily Quiet Time.
24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our
eyes.
25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a
prayer, or
use one that hath been written down.
26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read
to his
soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books
of
Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.
28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel,
and who
doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.
29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing,
movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.
30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic
Church
whereby men are drawn into idolatry.
31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in
the
which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body
and
blood.
32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that
seems
quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean
it.
33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time
who
have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a
sermon,
fellowship and donuts.
34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.
35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no
authority in
the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters,
deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his
own
authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century:
expressly,
since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling
Evangelists carrying tents across America.
38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in
which the
Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly
appear.
39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape
these
dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our
Blessed
Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.
40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.
41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you
be?
A: There.
42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!
44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.