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You really woke me up when you used the term: emotionally abusive. Can you elaborate on how you see it like this? I only ask because in my first marriage, I was married to a complete narcist and was verbally and emotionally abused to the extreme. They say you attract certain types of people and obviously I don't want that to happen again. It's so hard to see clearly when you're in it and you're heart is in all the right places.
Originally Posted by sdmsanjose
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God is not going to force this man to change. If you are counting on that you probably want to be with him so bad that you do not want to accept that the Bible has proven that God is not going to overpower a man’s will. He can but He will not.
If you stay with this man and he does not change you will have a life of not feeling his love and he will continue to punish you and judge you. This man can change but it is mostly up to him.
PS I am a man
I do agree, God doesn't force any of us to do anything, but I can pray that my boyfriend desires to know the Holy Spirit more and I desire that if I'm with him or not. My boyfriend wants the right things, I just don't think he's mature enough in his faith to "get it" ... That's where prayer comes in. I'm not about forcing but I am a strong believer in the power of prayer.
We can't change others. We can't make the
Love us the way we want them to or the way we think they should.
I know I can't change him. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will speak to him/guide him, wake him up in a sense and reveal Himself to him so he can see more through Gods eyes rather than through his fleshly eyes, which is sadly the problem right now.
Believing and hoping for a change doesn't have to mean staying with this man. You can hope and pray for the Holy Spirit to soften his heart from afar. Staying with him and letting him treat you this way is showing this man that he can control you and treat you however he wants and you will be there taking it no matter what. That isn't live on either part.
This is eye opening. I try so hard to be selfless and love him unconditionally, putting him first but when you put it like that, it does seem like I may be putting myself in a position of being pushed around, which isn't loving.
No woman should have to convince a man to stay with her.
This is true.
Pray for strength to walk away. Pray for strength to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better and more. Use your strong faith and big heart to know without a question that if Christ's will is for the two of you to be together - then it will happen. And if not, He will see you through it.
You make a lot of sense. It's just so hard when I truly love him so much and honestly see us meant for each other. If only the Holy Spirit would help him wake up to what he is blind to seeing. I do feel the Holy Spirit. I do feel Him so close. This man needs my strong faith and
Just like many have said, if it is like thus after five months , I can not imagine how much worse it can and will get. This doesn't mean we don't have faith or believe he could change. It means that you can't change him and shouldn't be subject to the abuse in the process. Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving thing you can do.
thank you soooo much for your prayers! I need them!!Others have made a great point about not being able to change others. But I am not trying to change him, only God can do that. I love my boyfriend so much and it saddens me that he is missing out on so much because he is allowing the past to control the presence. I am only praying that God will intervene and help this man wake up to what he cant see and realize.
I would also add, though, that I don't think we should sit around and wait for God to change others either. Yes, God can do wonderful things in this man - if he lets him, which he might not. But that is not something to wait for. God can change him with you or without you.
I agree that my boyfriends needs to invite the Holy Spirit in so God can do amazing things and I pray for that too. Waiting for this to happen is the part I'm conflicted about. I truly believe this man and I have so much going for us if only he allows God to work in him/us... I need to pray and talk to God about all of this, especially the waiting etc. I know this man is not my husband but if he was, I would be getting different advice, right? Advice telling me to stay strong and patient on Gods timing to work in him? Just curious because that is what I believe strongly for married couples.
When we go about making friends with others (not even considering boyfriends/girlfriends), we don't pick one and say "I like this person, but they have this terrible habit of bullying others, but I'm going to hang out with them anyway and believe they will change." Rather, we hang out with people who are like us, who we get along with and who treat others (and us) well. We choose our friends based on mutual respect, and if our friend starts to bully us, we tend to stop hanging around with them.
Great way to put it.I see what you are trying to tell me. I agree I need to be treated with love and respect at all times, not just when he feels like it.
If we choose our social circle based on mutual respect and end them when there have been ongoing issues of bullying, why would we not use those same criteria when looking for a spouse? In fact, it is even more important to do this when looking for a spouse because we will spend significantly more time with them than any of our friends. When it comes to choosing who to be with, social psychology supports the saying "birds of a feather flock together." Very true!!
There is also the matter of becoming one. Do not count on your partner changing - he has to be responsible for that, and God will only work on him if he lets him. So don't count on it happening. Now think about this. Do you want to become just like your boyfriend? Do you wish you were like him in the ways that matter most (like in faith, humility, behaviour, respect, tact, communication style, values, parenting style, etc)? If you want to become just like him, then continue the relationship. If not, what is the harm of putting the relationship on hold while you go on and live your life, allowing God to do the work you hope for? Later, if there is evidence of spiritual fruit, it might be worth re-visiting. If not, then it is evidence that he is unwilling to allow God to change his heart and mind.
I believe in calling things out as though they might not seem. I believe in calling things out before they even happen. I believe God wants to change my bf so he can benefit from all he's been missing out on. I believe that this man needs my love, devotion and prayers strongly. I need to pray mightily about this and see what I feel lead to do. If that is what God reveals to me, I will need to listen. I haven't prayed about that yet, only that The Lord will work in him/us.
You do not need to kow-tow to him, you do not need to take his punishments or unforgiveness or double-mindedness, you do not need to convince him that your past is your past and is not part of your present or your future.
I agree.
If this is not a consideration, I wonder if you can answer this question (it's more for self-reflection than to answer here): How long will you be in this relationship the way things are and without seeing any change, before you finally decide enough is enough? How invested in the relationship will you be then compared to now, meaning how much harder would it be to break the relationship then compared to now? I honestly need to have a good talk with The Lord about this because I know God loves me and wants the very best for me. He knows how loving I am and my motives and intentions are always for the good. I know the Lord doesn't want me to suffer... I need to talk to him about this because I shouldn't be suffering right now when all I do is love this man and want the very best for him. I have neve done anything since I have known him to be unloving, disrespectful, etc.
I'm only saying this part for information: There is a cycle to abuse. They abuse until it hits the fan. They apologize and act better for a while, and then it gradually gets bad again - till it hits the fan again, and then the cycle repeats. Sometimes the cycle will repeat at the same level of intensity, but most times the issue becomes more and more intense every time it repeats. If you stay in the relationship, that's just something to watch out for.
I see the routine if this happening.
The only problem here that even makes it worse is he doesn't think he's wrong for how he treats my past. He feels bad for his behavior regarding it sometimes but some how he justifies him being "allowed" to judge me for it. I can't wrap my mind around it.
Now to expand on something JLSJMS said about loving yourself and knowing you deserve better. You are created in the image of God. The Bible talks about how we love and care for our own body. I think one part of who we are is really neglected, though, and this is also created in the image of God. Our mind, our heart. Will you love and care for your your heart by protecting it from the "punishment" your boyfriend gives you? The Bible says we need to "guard our heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Would you let your boyfriend treat Jesus this way? Please don't let him treat you this way. Protect the image of God....
Praying for you...
You make very good points and he should be practicing loving me as Christ loves. He is being selfish with his approach, thinking of himself, his feelings, not mine.You said that one minute he's the most amazingly loving man then the next he's being hateful and horrible. That's the abuse. Abusers like to keep you off balance. You never know from one minute to the next what mood he's going to be in. One of my best friends was married to a man like that. One minute he was telling her she was the most beautiful thing, the next he'd be yelling at her telling her she was a w**** because she wasn't a virgin when they married.
I see what you mean. This type if behavior is so hard on me. He usually is a very loving man but if something triggers my past, he becomes a different man and is not loving at all. It saddens me so much, especially because I could never be so mean to someone like that no matter what they did. I try so hard to see others through Gods eyes as we should. I'm not better or less guilty than anyone else. It's very hard on me. I don't think he realizes it is a type of abuse though.
I'm sorry, when I read your OP, I saw my friend in it. This man is using your past as an excuse to treat you like crud.
Yes, this is true. And I know God doesn't want anyone to treat me like that, especially the man who is supposed to love me and take care of my heart.
My advice...if you were married to an abusive man before, go see a counselor and try to find out why you are attracted to men who treat you badly. Then, realize that you are NOT deserving of such treatment and a man who truly LOVES you will NOT hold your past (whatever it is) against you and treat you with the love that he should. Remember, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church". Anything less than that is unacceptable, whether in a dating/courtship relationship or a marriage.
im trying so hard to do what's right. I love The Lord so much and am just trying to get help.I thought you were counting on God to change this man without the man doing anything. No, I know my boyfriend needs to want it and I pray he gets there. He wants it hes just having trouble understanding exactly what to do and that is when I pray God helps him from there... Your subsequent posts and your agreeing with ValleyGals posts tell me I read your posts wrong. Now that I know that we both agree that God is not going to overrule your boyfriends will I apologize for my assumption.Thank you ... I understand God gives us free will. I literally feel God right here just waiting to help. My boyfriend wants it he is just not used to letting go and letting God. He likes to be in control and try to do things himself. We all go through these times, it's part of the journey.. I am just praying he lets God do His amazing work soon and I pray helps my boyfriend know how to surrender and just trust Him.Trusting God is a gift I believe.. A gift from Him.
I am glad that you are praying for him. My belief is that God will lean your boyfriend in the right direction and provide him opportunities to change his attitude then your boyfriend will have to make his choice and follow through. Your praying for your boyfriend to desire the Holy Spirit is praying for the most important thing IMO. If your boyfriend desires the HS and acts properly on his desires he will be right where God wants him and he will grow in spiritual maturity.i agree! Thank you for the encouragement!!
I also pray that your boy friend desires the Holy Spirit and I pray that if he does not that you will continue to follow Gods word and not let your emotions cloud your spiritual wisdom and resolve. I am not saying that your boyfriend is not going to change. It is just that I hope that you prepare yourself in the even that he does not. True forgiveness is a very deep spiritual experience that requires the HS and is often very contrary to mans nature. If I had to guess I would say that your boyfriend has forgiveness as one very important spiritual attribute that he needs maturity in.Yes, you are very correct! You couldn't have understood or said that better. He really does need to work out his unforgiving spirit and he doesn't realize it's something he can't do by himself. He can ONLY do it with the Holy Spirits help. I know this from experience!! He does have some immaturity in his faith but that's why I keep praying. The unforgiveness he holds on to so tight has such a hold on him and I look forward to the day he can let go and experience the amazing peace from that. He has no idea what he's missing.
The problem that your boyfriend has with your past is a serious one and must be eliminated or substantially improved in order for you both to have a real good chance at having a very successful marriage IMO.i know
You are very wise in seeking spiritual advice from other Christians. ValleyGal seems to have wisdom and I am glad that you are responding so well to her posts.
thank you very much for this. You are right! God has forgiven me and its as if my bf wants to take that away from me. he makes it all about him. i can't comprehend how he justifies his behavior on this. My heart feels so broken.I do understand what it's like to love someone wholeheartedly. But you are young, and that's the wonderful thing about the heart, it has an infinite capacity for love. I truly love so much it hurts tho
The reason that *I* am saying to step away is because he is already making you feel bad, right now. That in itself should be a warning sign to step back and make it clear that this is not going to work for you. Why should he listen to God and consider change if you already 'take' meanness from him without complaint, as though it is his right to be mean, and you deserve it because of your past. He is not your judge. God is your judge. You're right! He has no right to be mean to me!
I would, in your shoes - and if you were my child, I would tell you the same thing - step back, get healthy in your faith and in your thoughts. Know yourself to be forgiven fully by God, and in light of that, know that you have tremendous worth, and that you should be treated as a child of God and worthy of kindness and unconditional love and respect. When you have that clear picture of yourself, then see where your bf stands. If he still stands aloof, judging you, walk away for good.
You make very good points and help me see things from a new perspective. I'm grateful that I asked for outsiders advice. I'm so torn and will be in major prayer!I use the term abuse because I strongly believe that when a woman is subject to a mans mood swings and cruelty through words and actions it is verbal abuse. When a man feels justified to treat a woman like that it scares me even more. The fact that your boyfriend thinks it's his place to judge your past and make you feel bad about yourself is a huge red flag.
It's like he is saying if you were perfect he'd treat you well all the time, but because you are not perfect & you weren't perfect in the past then he has a right to treat you terribly when the mood strikes. What concerns me the most is that he is not accountable for it either. That he doesn't own up to the mistake. It's a huge red flag for the future. I think you are letting your desire for your relationship to work at all costs cloud your judgement.
If he agrees that he has a problem and you both seek Pastoral or Christian counseling to deal with the issues I think your relationship could have a chance.
The thought of you continuing to stay in the relationship the way it is though is heartbreaking within itself.
A lot of you have opened my eyes to this aspect. I have been so focused on loving him as God wants me to that I'm forgetting about loving myself as God wants me to. I'm struggling so much because he is a good, loving man.. We all have "things" .. I will continue to lift him up in prayer but I will start lifting myself up too. I know I will hear from God on this, He never let's me down.
I want to add that it really means a lot that you guys are responding and trying to help me. I feel so alone and having this help and fellowship is much needed. I'm sorry if I am denial, it can be very frustrating I know. I'm trying really hard here to see clearly. I just truly love this man.
I'm sure you do love this guy, but I'm starting to wonder if you love him too much. There's an old (but good) book called "Women Who Love Too Much" that you might find interesting. I also know how awful the feelings are when you are feeling conflicted inside. You love him and when things are good, they're great. But every now and then, he gets it in his mind that he is somehow entitled to bully you because of your past, and that hurts. Maybe it hurts even more because he thinks it's okay to do this. So those are the two biggest red flags - that maybe you love too much, and that not only does he hold your past against you, but he thinks it's okay to do this.
I know you pray for him to receive the Spirit, and that is a good thing to pray. It might be even better prayed with some distance from him. I might even go so far as to say there is potential for an unequal yoke here if you continue to pursue the relationship. But don't stop praying for him. He can receive the Spirit as your boyfriend as well as if he is not your boyfriend anymore.
I know you are seeing the red flags, otherwise you would not have posted here. Others are adding to the clarity for you, as instruments of God's love and compassion, with your best interest in mind. And it all hurts. It hurts that you have invested so much that it might even seem scary to think about losing all you've invested into the relationship. You might even be thinking deep down that even if you could do better, you don't even want to because you think this is a good match...but God knows who is a good match...
So here's an idea you might consider. If you want to give this guy a chance, put a time limit on it for yourself. If you don't see signs of repentance or remorse for the way he treats your past, let's say by mid-September, then it might be time to say enough is enough. This gives you time to pray, the Spirit time to nudge the boyfriend, and your boyfriend time to respond in repentance. You might decide he is worth another three months, or that since you've been praying already, that you only want to give it another month. You decide the time...but it seems like a good boundary to limit how much of yourself, your time, your energy, into this relationship.
You always have a bunch of people here who care about you and will support you in encouragement and prayer.
thank you so much!agree love Link's post
I think you should pray and ask God to show you what He wants - and pray for both of you to accept His direction - whichever way that goes. I can tell your heart wants this relationship to work, but pray that you will find peace if it is not the one for you. And pray that your boyfriend will find peace with your past if it is the right one.
How come some people aren't permitted? It wouldn't let me in. It. Must be something in my settings?There is a board for women only, and there is another one for married women only. I'm not sure if you need to make a request for both of them... you can try this link for the general women's only board:
http://www.christianforums.com/f47/
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