Heartbroken

LDABAM · Jul 24, 2013

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, we are in love and connected right away. I love him and adore him with all of my heart. I have been praying for this man for a very long time. Although we have some issues, I truly believe we are meant to spend our lives together. Nothing is impossible with God and I have full confidence that God will deliver us but the journey can be so difficult. Satan knows exactly how to attack us and form wedges between us and I feel like I'm fighting his attacks all alone. Although I can see clearly satan wedging his way in, my boyfriend thinks they are signs from God to not be with me because of my past. I hate satan!!! It is so heartbreaking and frustrating. My boyfriend has severe issues with my past. I have made some bad choices in my past but I have dealt with them with God and have been able to move forward from them. My boyfriend says our past helps define us now, and is worried I'm still that person. I wasn't even "that" person.. I just went through a really hard time, lost myself for a period of time and made some bad choices but since then I have worked really hard with the Lord to find my true self again. He can't get over my past and punishes me for it at times. He is either the most loving man ever or just pure mean and unloving and someone I don't even know. He judges me by my past and he dwells in it. He says my past causes him so much pain and I have hurt him. I pray that The Lord will lift this off of him but my boyfriend is having a hard time surrendering it to God, he holds on so tight to it, his mind just goes there constantly. I tell him he can choose his thoughts but he says they haunt him constantly. I'm so heartbroken, I pray so hard, I don't know what else to do. My boyfriend says he loves me so much but he says he will never be able to get over this. I know he can with Gods help so his attitude with that frustrates me. He currently is going back and forth on if he wants to be with me or not. I don't understand how he can let my past win over our love and great life together. Love conquers all. Love never fails. Love never gives up. I feel so sad and alone.

ProudMomxmany · Jul 24, 2013

If this guy is going to hold your past over your head...then he's not acting Christ-like to forgive (which he has no need to forgive of anyway). Time to let him go and find someone who will not hold your past against you...

LDABAM · Jul 24, 2013

Thank you so much for your response. I do agree with you that his behavior is not Christ like but I am praying that God works in him and helps him see through His eyes. Is it wrong to want this positive change for him and to pray mightily for it? Nothing is impossible with God!

turkle · Jul 25, 2013

You of course should pray about the situation. But, you also need to be prepared for the relationship to end. Your boyfriend is choosing to allow this to bother him, and is clearly not ready to let it go. No one can make him change his mindset but him.

Fortunately, you have not been dating very long. If your boyfriend decides that this is a deal breaker, which is very possible, you have not invested too much time in the relationship. It will be hard for a while, but you will be able to move on.

LinkH · Jul 25, 2013

When you are just getting to know someone to consider if marriage is a possibility, you should try to see if you are a good match, not try to make it work out no matter what. Maybe your past is something that is so different from his criteria for marriage, he can't let it go. Or if he is the unforgiving type in general, you should consider whether you can be married to him. If he's going to be that way about small things later on, you may not want to marry him. If he doesn't want to marry you because of some things in your past, it may not really be a forgiveness issue. It could be that it doesn't fit into the criteria he is looking for for a wife. Either way, if this is going to be a problem for him for life, it's certainly worth considering whether breaking up is best for both of you. You want him to pray and give it to God, but it may be a good thing to do that with your relationship and be ready for what seems now to be 'the worst' if it doesn't work out.

JCLover779 · Jul 25, 2013

ˆagreeˆ love Link's post

I think you should pray and ask God to show you what He wants - and pray for both of you to accept His direction - whichever way that goes. I can tell your heart wants this relationship to work, but pray that you will find peace if it is not the one for you. And pray that your boyfriend will find peace with your past if it is the right one.

Hetta · Jul 26, 2013

ProudMomxmany said:
If this guy is going to hold your past over your head...then he's not acting Christ-like to forgive (which he has no need to forgive of anyway). Time to let him go and find someone who will not hold your past against you...

ITA with you. Unless God can do a huge work in this young man's heart, he shouldn't even be dating the OP.

OP, as he is already "punishing" you for your past - which it is NOT his right to do - I would break it off and move on. Let the young man know that this is the reason that you are doing that, and if God works on him, you will consider resuming your dating relationship, but otherwise, you will find someone who will not spend your entire lives together holding your past over your head.

Five months isn't long in relation to a lifetime .. and sometimes, you know, it's not satan that's getting in the mix, it's human nature. It may be that your bf's human nature cannot accept that you have any kind of a past, and that's his prerogative, but it's also your prerogative to move on and find someone who will not judge you as though they are God.

LDABAM · Jul 26, 2013

Thank you so much everyone! I agree with most of what has been advised and shared.

The things he is holding over me, are not fair nor are his place to judge and..... to be honest are all double standards on his part too.

Regardless to if he's with me or not, I feel there are some things God needs to work out in him so he can have peace.

I can choose to go through it with him and help him or leave and pray for him on the outside.

I love this man. There is so much potential. We are crazy about each other. We just have this one (major) hiccup and I honestly feel satans attack with it.

Just trying to learn how to make him flee so my boyfriend and I can rely on God to get us through this. He is trying to give it to God but is struggling.

Or, maybe I'm in denial and I shouldn't be trying so hard. This is heartbreaking.

CounselorForChrist · Jul 26, 2013

Time to move on. And yes I think you may be in denial. Its hard to hear that (I know that from my past). Sometimes we become so desperate to find or be with someone that we ignore red flags God has us seeing. THeres no harm in praying he will change of course. But realize it doesn't mean he will. I wouldn't go past the dating stage until he does change. If you do decide to end it then realize its better to have some heartbreak now then have tons later and possibly be married and hurt from a divorce.

LDABAM · Jul 26, 2013

Thank you! I do agree that marriage will not happen until things are healthy. I just love him so it is hard. I have so much faith in God helping us and changing us both for the better. Nothing is perfect.. Is it wrong to fight and pray so hard for what you want?

ProudMomxmany · Jul 26, 2013

LDABAM said:
Thank you! I do agree that marriage will not happen until things are healthy. I just love him so it is hard. I have so much faith in God helping us and changing us both for the better. Nothing is perfect.. Is it wrong to fight and pray so hard for what you want?

At 5 months into the relationship he already is holding double standards, holding your past against you...that's not love...it's control. I do not think that this has any possibility of becoming a healthy relationship. Yes, God can change hearts...BUT...if this young man is claiming to be a Christian and yet has this attitude, it seems like his heart is already hard.

And...I would advise any of my children the same.

LDABAM · Jul 26, 2013

ProudMomxmany said:
At 5 months into the relationship he already is holding double standards, holding your past against you...that's not love...it's control. I do not think that this has any possibility of becoming a healthy relationship. Yes, God can change hearts...BUT...if this young man is claiming to be a Christian and yet has this attitude, it seems like his heart is already hard.

And...I would advise any of my children the same.

I agree and I do pray God softens is heart. Thank you for all the honesty everyone. It's just so difficult when you truly love someone unconditionally and don't feel it in return.

I do appreciate it all, even the things hard to hear but we believe in a God who is possible of anything, why is everyone so fast to tell me to quit rather than give this to God and see what He can do? My faith is big and God has done amazing things in my life.

Hetta · Jul 26, 2013

I do understand what it's like to love someone wholeheartedly. But you are young, and that's the wonderful thing about the heart, it has an infinite capacity for love.

The reason that *I* am saying to step away is because he is already making you feel bad, right now. That in itself should be a warning sign to step back and make it clear that this is not going to work for you. Why should he listen to God and consider change if you already 'take' meanness from him without complaint, as though it is his right to be mean, and you deserve it because of your past. He is not your judge. God is your judge.

I would, in your shoes - and if you were my child, I would tell you the same thing - step back, get healthy in your faith and in your thoughts. Know yourself to be forgiven fully by God, and in light of that, know that you have tremendous worth, and that you should be treated as a child of God and worthy of kindness and unconditional love and respect. When you have that clear picture of yourself, then see where your bf stands. If he still stands aloof, judging you, walk away for good.

ProudMomxmany · Jul 26, 2013

In your original post you said " He can't get over my past and punishes me for it at times. He is either the most loving man ever or just pure mean and unloving and someone I don't even know. He judges me by my past and he dwells in it. He says my past causes him so much pain and I have hurt him."

This is what is raising the red flags for me. Your past is between you and the Lord. This man will probably NEVER let it go, EVER. I have seen this over and over in other relationships and it only leads to pain. His attitude is emotionally abusive. You need to get away before he really damages you.

sdmsanjose · Jul 27, 2013

I agree and I do pray God softens is heart. Thank you for all the honesty everyone. It's just so difficult when you truly love someone unconditionally and don't feel it in return.

I do appreciate it all, even the things hard to hear but we believe in a God who is possible of anything, why is everyone so fast to tell me to quit rather than give this to God and see what He can do? My faith is big and God has done amazing things in my life

.

God is not going to force this man to change. If you are counting on that you probably want to be with him so bad that you do not want to accept that the Bible has proven that God is not going to overpower a man’s will. He can but He will not.

If you stay with this man and he does not change you will have a life of not feeling his love and he will continue to punish you and judge you. This man can change but it is mostly up to him.

PS I am a man

ValleyGal · Jul 27, 2013

If he punishes you, judges you, holds grudges against you now for your past, what is he going to punish, judge and grudge in the future?

You asked why people here are so quick to say to quit the relationship rather than see where God can take it. Dating is not a time where you should invest in making the relationship work at all costs (iow, where God can take it). Instead, it is a time to decide if you are a good match. I think someone else said that already. You are not a good match. He has double standards, and is motivated by totally different values than you are. There is also a character issue - while you are focused on your faith in Christ, he is focused on not even trying to focus on God. He could change his thoughts if he wanted to. In fact, as believers, we are actually to work out our salvation. How? By transforming and renewing of our mind. This means deliberately working to change how we think, feel, desire, behave, etc...to be like Jesus. What did Jesus say about a woman caught in sin? "Where are your accusers? Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Full, complete pardon, not another word about it.

Here's a little exercise for you. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a husband. Do you want him to have integrity, faithfulness, purity, growing faith, mercy, strong sense of justice, financial stability, respect in the community, mental health and stability - you get the picture. Make a list of qualities you respect most about your father or other male authority figure. Now combine the two lists. Make note of all the qualities that overlap. Once that's all done, take the list to a friend who knows your boyfriend and ask if he has more than 80% of all those qualities. Find out which ones he doesn't have, and really think about what it will look like in your marriage if he never changes. Can you live without those qualities? Will you still respect him in a decade or two without those qualities? If he has more than 80% of your desired qualities AND you can honestly say you can live without the ones he doesn't have, then give the relationship another month or two. If not, leave now.

I know breaking up is hard - even after only five months together. You've invested your heart, so you want to protect it, even if it means a lot of grief with him rather than have grief without him and the potential of someone more suited to you. I remember what it was like to break up with boyfriends. It hurts. But the good part is that God knows your pain and is with you in it - but just because he is doesn't mean you should deliberately choose someone you think you love even though he causes a lot of pain.

God calls us to a sound mind. Call on a friend or mentor who can help you stay objective in this relationship so you don't ignore the red flags.

I think I can speak for all of us here that we are only saying these things because WE see the red flags and we care about you and do not want to see you hurt further by this young man - we all know there are men out there who are more mature in Christ and more able to accept you for who you are today, past and all.

LDABAM · Jul 27, 2013

ProudMomxmany said:
In your original post you said " He can't get over my past and punishes me for it at times. He is either the most loving man ever or just pure mean and unloving and someone I don't even know. He judges me by my past and he dwells in it. He says my past causes him so much pain and I have hurt him."

This is what is raising the red flags for me. Your past is between you and the Lord. This man will probably NEVER let it go, EVER. I have seen this over and over in other relationships and it only leads to pain. His attitude is emotionally abusive. You need to get away before he really damages you.

You really woke me up when you used the term: emotionally abusive. Can you elaborate on how you see it like this? I only ask because in my first marriage, I was married to a complete narcissist and he was verbally and emotionally abused to the extreme. They say you attract certain types of people and obviously I don't want that to happen again. It's so hard to see clearly when you're in it and you're heart is in all the right places.

LDABAM · Jul 27, 2013

sdmsanjose said:
.

God is not going to force this man to change. If you are counting on that you probably want to be with him so bad that you do not want to accept that the Bible has proven that God is not going to overpower a mans will. He can but He will not.

If you stay with this man and he does not change you will have a life of not feeling his love and he will continue to punish you and judge you. This man can change but it is mostly up to him.

PS I am a man

I do agree, God doesn't force any of us to do anything, but I can pray that my boyfriend desires to know the Holy Spirit more and I desire that if I'm with him or not. My boyfriend wants the right things, I just don't think he's mature enough in his faith to "get it" ... That's where prayer comes in. I'm not about forcing but I am a strong believer in the power of prayer. Right for me or wrong, I care deeply for him and his path with The Lord. I would never marry him with things as they are now. There is a lot of maturing, growing, and learning that needs to take place on both our parts. It's just so hard when everything else seems so right. He really is a very loving, good man but as soon as something triggers the past, he becomes someone else, and that is when I don't see the Christ-like qualities I desire. I'm sorry if I'm talking in circles. It helps to talk this out since its always just in my head.

LDABAM · Jul 27, 2013

ValleyGal said:
If he punishes you, judges you, holds grudges against you now for your past, what is he going to punish, judge and grudge in the future?

You asked why people here are so quick to say to quit the relationship rather than see where God can take it. Dating is not a time where you should invest in making the relationship work at all costs (iow, where God can take it). Instead, it is a time to decide if you are a good match. I think someone else said that already. You are not a good match. He has double standards, and is motivated by totally different values than you are. There is also a character issue - while you are focused on your faith in Christ, he is focused on not even trying to focus on God. He could change his thoughts if he wanted to. In fact, as believers, we are actually to work out our salvation. How? By transforming and renewing of our mind. This means deliberately working to change how we think, feel, desire, behave, etc...to be like Jesus. What did Jesus say about a woman caught in sin? "Where are your accusers? Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Full, complete pardon, not another word about it.

Here's a little exercise for you. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a husband. Do you want him to have integrity, faithfulness, purity, growing faith, mercy, strong sense of justice, financial stability, respect in the community, mental health and stability - you get the picture. Make a list of qualities you respect most about your father or other male authority figure. Now combine the two lists. Make note of all the qualities that overlap. Once that's all done, take the list to a friend who knows your boyfriend and ask if he has more than 80% of all those qualities. Find out which ones he doesn't have, and really think about what it will look like in your marriage if he never changes. Can you live without those qualities? Will you still respect him in a decade or two without those qualities? If he has more than 80% of your desired qualities AND you can honestly say you can live without the ones he doesn't have, then give the relationship another month or two. If not, leave now.

I know breaking up is hard - even after only five months together. You've invested your heart, so you want to protect it, even if it means a lot of grief with him rather than have grief without him and the potential of someone more suited to you. I remember what it was like to break up with boyfriends. It hurts. But the good part is that God knows your pain and is with you in it - but just because he is doesn't mean you should deliberately choose someone you think you love even though he causes a lot of pain.

God calls us to a sound mind. Call on a friend or mentor who can help you stay objective in this relationship so you don't ignore the red flags.

I think I can speak for all of us here that we are only saying these things because WE see the red flags and we care about you and do not want to see you hurt further by this young man - we all know there are men out there who are more mature in Christ and more able to accept you for who you are today, past and all.

This is an excellent post!!! You are very wise and loving.

LDABAM · Jul 27, 2013

ValleyGal said:
If he punishes you, judges you, holds grudges against you now for your past, what is he going to punish, judge and grudge in the future?
Yes, of course if he doesn't desire to change and be more like Christ, but all things are possible through Him. Also, like I said before, under current circumstances, no we aren't in a position to marry but if Gods does allow things to change then that is what I'm referring to.

You asked why people here are so quick to say to quit the relationship rather than see where God can take it. Dating is not a time where you should invest in making the relationship work at all costs (iow, where God can take it). Instead, it is a time to decide if you are a good match. I think someone else said that already. You are not a good match. He has double standards, and is motivated by totally different values than you are. There is also a character issue - while you are focused on your faith in Christ, he is focused on not even trying to focus on God. He could change his thoughts if he wanted to. In fact, as believers, we are actually to work out our salvation. How? By transforming and renewing of our mind. This means deliberately working to change how we think, feel, desire, behave, etc...to be like Jesus. What did Jesus say about a woman caught in sin? "Where are your accusers? Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Full, complete pardon, not another word about it.

Well, we are a good match in every other sense that is why this is so difficult. And, he does have the desire to work on this, it's just a process. There are some character flaws, but don't we all have those? We are all a work in progress.

That same example was brought up in church last week.

Here's a little exercise for you. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a husband. Do you want him to have integrity, faithfulness, purity, growing faith, mercy, strong sense of justice, financial stability, respect in the community, mental health and stability - you get the picture. Make a list of qualities you respect most about your father or other male authority figure. Now combine the two lists. Make note of all the qualities that overlap. Once that's all done, take the list to a friend who knows your boyfriend and ask if he has more than 80% of all those qualities. Find out which ones he doesn't have, and really think about what it will look like in your marriage if he never changes. Can you live without those qualities? Will you still respect him in a decade or two without those qualities? If he has more than 80% of your desired qualities AND you can honestly say you can live without the ones he doesn't have, then give the relationship another month or two. If not, leave now.

No, I can't live without those qualities. My faith is strong enough to know he can change with the Lords help though. If this is not Gods will for me then God will reveal it to me in some way and I will move forward but until then, I stay strong in prayer and patience.

I know breaking up is hard - even after only five months together. You've invested your heart, so you want to protect it, even if it means a lot of grief with him rather than have grief without him and the potential of someone more suited to you. I remember what it was like to break up with boyfriends. It hurts. But the good part is that God knows your pain and is with you in it - but just because he is doesn't mean you should deliberately choose someone you think you love even though he causes a lot of pain.

It's just difficult when they seem like the right person and all they need is extra love, prayer, help, and patience.

God calls us to a sound mind. Call on a friend or mentor who can help you stay objective in this relationship so you don't ignore the red flags.

I'm aware of the red flags and I don't intend to marry someone who stays like this.

I think I can speak for all of us here that we are only saying these things because WE see the red flags and we care about you and do not want to see you hurt further by this young man - we all know there are men out there who are more mature in Christ and more able to accept you for who you are today, past and all.

i posted above in bold as well.

Maturity in Christ is exactly what it comes down to. Thank you for taking the time to write all of this.

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