He wanted the LDR and lost complete interest?

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 22, 2016

After almost a week of NC, I am reeling from a short hopeful romance. We spent a month together before he had to move back home. I know the beginning is almost magical and sometimes after that the relationship falls apart (I have had only one previous serious relationship). He was the 1st man I opened my heart to since my ex. We spent a couple days a week together for longer then 3 hours (one date lasted 9). He was the one who wanted the LDR and hinted that he wanted to be the only guy for me. We only kissed and that was after the 5th date I think. The last day was really sad for us and he told me how much he wanted me to come w/him, as I was leaving he watched longingly at me after I left, he even asked to make "us" official, I turned that down the 1st time.

Fast forward to a week after he left. Everything was normal except he wanted to be exclusive. Since he wanted it, I wanted it, I said yes. From then on everything changed, I felt a different vibe. It would take forever for him to answer a text or no answer at all. He promised he felt the same, I felt like a chore. I approached him w/this issue and he kind of dismissed it, told me I should leave if it hurts and that he will try harder. I then told him (after no improvement) that I would date others. He went from saying fine if you want to leave to him wanting to be my only option. I've been getting mixed signals. I got fed up and pressured him for the truth. The truth was he isn't ready and wants to be alone, he was crying because he was confused (old feelings for an ex) and he doesn't know what he wants. He told me how much he cared for me and even hinted at me visiting him and even told me "I am close to saying I love you". The coldness continued and I pressed on. The last convo we was over text and I am now his "friend w/potential", that he cares for me, but needs time to himself. He was resentful about the fact I want to date other guys as he just wants time to himself, I told him I wouldn't date anyone. I truly care for him, but I feel this is the end. After silence for days I am wondering if he ever cared and I am going to start dating again. Thoughts? All this time it felt like he was pushing me out of the emotional door.

ReesePiece23 · Jul 22, 2016

In the grand scheme of things, you've only so many hours left on this planet - don't waste them. Seriously. You're 25, and are now living the best years of your life. I know it's hard, but the absolute best thing you can do is leave him to it. He sounds like a bit of a wimp from what you've posted, and not the most mature either.

Put yourself first and enjoy your freedom.

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 22, 2016

ReesePiece23 said:
In the grand scheme of things, you've only so many hours left on this planet - don't waste them. Seriously. You're 25, and are now living the best years of your life. I know it's hard, but the absolute best thing you can do is leave him to it. He sounds like a bit of a wimp from what you've posted, and not the most mature either.

Put yourself first and enjoy your freedom.

I guess the best thing I have learned is that I can love after heartbreak. I was ready to take the risk of heartbreak, I thought my previous ex was the "one" and the I thought the possibility of me loving someone again like that was slim. Treating someone new badly because they have been hurt is such a terrible excuse, we have all been hurt/led on/heartbroken. After he told me to leave him, when I expressed my hurt, I knew this wasn't going in the right direction. I do regret pestering him, but if i hadn't I would still be wondering what was going on. I know that in a couple weeks I will be fine.

James of Arc · Jul 22, 2016

MotherFirefly · Jul 22, 2016

Readyforwhatcomes said:
I know that in a couple weeks I will be fine.

ReesePiece23 said:
Put yourself first and enjoy your freedom.

You got this.

Gnarwhal · Jul 23, 2016

Readyforwhatcomes said:
After almost a week of NC, I am reeling from a short hopeful romance. We spent a month together before he had to move back home. I know the beginning is almost magical and sometimes after that the relationship falls apart (I have had only one previous serious relationship). He was the 1st man I opened my heart to since my ex. We spent a couple days a week together for longer then 3 hours (one date lasted 9). He was the one who wanted the LDR and hinted that he wanted to be the only guy for me. We only kissed and that was after the 5th date I think. The last day was really sad for us and he told me how much he wanted me to come w/him, as I was leaving he watched longingly at me after I left, he even asked to make "us" official, I turned that down the 1st time.

Fast forward to a week after he left. Everything was normal except he wanted to be exclusive. Since he wanted it, I wanted it, I said yes. From then on everything changed, I felt a different vibe. It would take forever for him to answer a text or no answer at all. He promised he felt the same, I felt like a chore. I approached him w/this issue and he kind of dismissed it, told me I should leave if it hurts and that he will try harder. I then told him (after no improvement) that I would date others. He went from saying fine if you want to leave to him wanting to be my only option. I've been getting mixed signals. I got fed up and pressured him for the truth. The truth was he isn't ready and wants to be alone, he was crying because he was confused (old feelings for an ex) and he doesn't know what he wants. He told me how much he cared for me and even hinted at me visiting him and even told me "I am close to saying I love you". The coldness continued and I pressed on. The last convo we was over text and I am now his "friend w/potential", that he cares for me, but needs time to himself. He was resentful about the fact I want to date other guys as he just wants time to himself, I told him I wouldn't date anyone. I truly care for him, but I feel this is the end. After silence for days I am wondering if he ever cared and I am going to start dating again. Thoughts? All this time it felt like he was pushing me out of the emotional door.

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Long distance relationships are a guaranteed failure almost every time, so don't think too much about it. Just seize the opportunity to make you the best possible version of yourself and then when a worthwhile relationship comes along, you'll be ready to give it a meaningful chance.

The harder you look for "the one" the less likely they are to show up. Just get out there and meet people. Make FRIENDS. Establish solid, complex, dynamic relationships with the people around you and you never know when something extraordinary will grow out of that.

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 23, 2016

Darth Bagel said:
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Long distance relationships are a guaranteed failure almost every time, so don't think too much about it. Just seize the opportunity to make you the best possible version of yourself and then when a worthwhile relationship comes along, you'll be ready to give it a meaningful chance.

The harder you look for "the one" the less likely they are to show up. Just get out there and meet people. Make FRIENDS. Establish solid, complex, dynamic relationships with the people around you and you never know when something extraordinary will grow out of that.

I plan on working on myself, I'm actually not in the mood to date anyone at the moment, that for me after someone hurts me makes me more upset (esp if its a failed date). Volunteering is something I have been wanting to do. I was hoping that an LDR would allow me and the other person work on ourselves, plus having a relationship.

Gnarwhal · Jul 23, 2016

Readyforwhatcomes said:
I plan on working on myself, I'm actually not in the mood to date anyone at the moment, that for me after someone hurts me makes me more upset (esp if its a failed date). Volunteering is something I have been wanting to do. I was hoping that an LDR would allow me and the other person work on ourselves, plus having a relationship.

I would say it's more ideal to work on yourself alone. If you try to do it in a relationship it may take different directions for each person. Focus on yourself, maybe get some counseling, develop a bit more and then when you're at 100% you can seek out someone who's also 100%. Better odds of success that way.

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 23, 2016

Darth Bagel said:
I would say it's more ideal to work on yourself alone. If you try to do it in a relationship it may take different directions for each person. Focus on yourself, maybe get some counseling, develop a bit more and then when you're at 100% you can seek out someone who's also 100%. Better odds of success that way.

I'm not talking about self esteem issues or emotional issues, I was talking about working on life (work, school etc). You can improve yourself and move towards the next step w/this person because we all can reach our goals. I would love to reach those certain goals w/a special someone.

ReesePiece23 · Jul 23, 2016

Darth Bagel said:
I would say it's more ideal to work on yourself alone.

It's the ONLY way to do it. The goal to working on yourself is to (eventually) find your own lane, and discover exactly who YOU are. If you're in any way behind on that then a relationship will be a massive hindrance to that process. The most important thing is to reach a place where you are 100% whole and complete, just as you are. Don't be half looking for another half to complete you, that's a terrible way to live.

If you never put the time in to work on yourself alone, you'll eventually have an identity crisis. Rather than find who you are, you'll just settle and become whoever your partner is - purely because, you don't know what else to be. And, you haven't built up the confidence to find out.

But, LDR's can work - my sister is an example of that, it's all come together for her. But patience needs to be 9 on a scale of 10, with honest communication being the full 10. It all depends on the temperaments on both sides. It's a LOT of work, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be able to justify that hard work.

So the question is, is it worth it? My answer in this case, no.

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 23, 2016

ReesePiece23 said:
It's the ONLY way to do it. The goal to working on yourself is to (eventually) find your own lane, and discover exactly who YOU are. If you're in any way behind on that then a relationship will be a massive hindrance to that process. The most important thing is to reach a place where you are 100% whole and complete, just as you are. Don't be half looking for another half to complete you, that's a terrible way to live.

If you never put the time in to work on yourself alone, you'll eventually have an identity crisis. Rather than find who you are, you'll just settle and become whoever your partner is - purely because, you don't know what else to be. And, you haven't built up the confidence to find out.

But, LDR's can work - my sister is an example of that, it's all come together for her. But patience needs to be 9 on a scale of 10, with honest communication being the full 10. It all depends on the temperaments on both sides. It's a LOT of work, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be able to justify that hard work.

So the question is, is it worth it? My answer in this case, no.

I guess some people need to find that on their own and they cannot begin any type of serious relationship until they figure out their own issues. I was all for the LDR, but as soon as he stopped putting any effort in I knew in the long haul, that would just be a ton of heartache for me, while he has me by a string. I don't doubt that LDR work, but both people need to be willing to put in the work and communicate w/each other what both of them need.

GQ Chris · Jul 23, 2016

Sounds like the fire for the ex got re-ignited and hence the cold shoulder on your end. Just move on, this person is not available.

Readyforwhatcomes · Jul 23, 2016

GQ Chris said:
Sounds like the fire for the ex got re-ignited and hence the cold shoulder on your end. Just move on, this person is not available.

That is what I deeply suspect, all I know is I'm not gonna wait around till he comes back after getting hurt or rejected again by her. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you once loved, but why can't people understand that getting back together w/an ex (esp one that cheated on you), the relationship will more then likely never be like it was before.

Deidre32 · Jul 23, 2016

I'd block his number. Move on, heal...and spend some time not dating, until you find someone worthy of your time and love. Sorry this happened, though.

Razare · Jul 25, 2016

You guys had chemicals when you were close, and now you're far, no chemicals.

People deal with it differently. There is the Christian answer, and then lesser answers the world invents.

CCHIPSS · Jul 26, 2016

A lot of people find a new partner and then immediately tell their EX. They say to their EX "Hey I find this new person. If you don't come back to me right now, I am going to move onto him/her."

Let me just say THANK GOD that he shown his true color so early. Can you imagine him treating you like a second choice for the rest of the relationship?

I have no experience with LDR. But I am against it because to me even when I met my GF face to face so often, there are issues that we have to work on. LDR means you two won't be spending enough time together. So you don't really understand the other person all that well. LDR can work. But then again, so can arrange marriages. It is more a luck of the draw than anything.

He wanted the LDR and lost complete interest?

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