okay, i cant find a worthwhile answer anywhere on the net. and after searching for one i gotta get this rant off my chest first:
people who say christian rock is bad, contemporary is bad, etc. PULL THE BEAM OUT OF YOUR EYE FIRST! seriously, do something worthwhile. plant a tree. read a book. argue something that matters, like whats in the heart. just because a minor chord sounds better to someone than a major chord doesnt mean anything. Jesus came drinking and eating and they said "look, here's a drunkard and a glutton!" can satan cast out satan? would he? go watch mtv and tell me the same stuff going on there is going on in the christian music. you cant, you just dont like the sound/dont understand it so you hate it. fine. and dont even get me started on people who say you should take instruments out of church. just because the NT doesnt specifically say TO play instruments in church? well, the NT doesnt say to line the floors with carpet either so take that out too. btw, church is a PEOPLE not a building. psalm 33:2 Praise the Lord with the harp; sing unto Him with the psaltery and an instrument with ten strings. That is all.
okay, now that I have that out of the way i actually have a problem. when the Good Lord took me back after my wandering days of youth, i had to give up the music. i wrote many songs, was always playing, producing, creating something (none of it was done in good taste, i can assure you. looking back tonight to see where i came from (mistake #1) i am led to believe there was a demon in me for i didnt understand the things i was writing at the time, but it is clear to me that, well, the things i wrote sounded like a desperate plea from a tortured soul that was destined to roam without rest and ultimately end up in the fires of hell) anyway, that is beside the point. the cursed thing is gone now never to return, PRAISE GOD!
i deleted all my recording/producing software to show God i was serious. that i didnt want to sell my soul, for what shall it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul right? but i still long for the musical part of it, the creating, the notes, the melodies, being artistic, etc. i cant do it anymore because i gave it up. i sit up most nights trying to fill a void. something deeper that i have no idea how to get from God. a longing for our spirits to be united as one. a love. a perfect harmony etc. something i am unable to attain to, He just leaves me wanting more of Him. so i listen to christian music (had to give up the "hard" stuff lol. watched some pretty creepy docs about the music industry and its quite frightening just how entrenched the hand of satan is. people you wouldnt even think.) or read theologians blogs, spurgeon, barth, learning (mostly forgetting what i learn though) searching for something to fill the void.
why isnt God filling this void for me? i gave up my identity for Him. To have an identity in Christ. everything i was, well it wasnt good, so i had to give it up. but now i dont know what i am other than longing for Him. longing to do something. to create. but nothing ever happens but a quick taste of what could be. i see a glimpse of something greater, followed by me standing on the other side of a dark glass, trying to peer through to the other side.
look, i dont understand regeneration, how it happens. when it happens, or how long it even takes. i just know i cant go back to what i was nor do i want to, but i want to move on to something better than before. better than now. i see no opportunity. no light on the horizon. i feel like there is a mark i have to live up to before things can get better but know i cant get there by my own will or doing. i am afflicted, imperfect, and anxious. i fall, i get back up, i fall again. nobody said being a Christian was hard. all the people look so happy and content and eager to shake your hand. it doesnt even matter though, if this is what it takes, if this is "taking up you cross" then so be it. Christ suffered greatly for me, surely i can deny myself and the whole world if need be. but nothing can fill this void.
no light switch is coming on and there is probably no anwser any of you can give me because thats probably not even what im looking for...if that makes any sense (why am i here then asking questions?) i guess i just want to know if other people go through stuff like this. giving up their identity and struggling to find their identity in Christ, because i think that is what the problem is. i keep asking, "what is your plan for me? who am i to you?" etc. no answer. i feel like i have some kind of calling, but no clue what it is. kindling a fire i suppose, who knows. if anybody has and idea of what im talking about, please HELP!
btw, do you know how HARD it is for a shy, introverted person like me to put all this stuff out there for everybody to read? music was the only way i could EVER put myself out there. you know, hiding behind an instrument, a song lyric, a CROSS maybe? please, go easy on the nut who wrote all this stuff (especially the part about instruments in church) ill probably just be like "why did i write all that?" after i hit submit. nothing ive never done before though i guess. hey, God bless you all, especially if you made it this far
people who say christian rock is bad, contemporary is bad, etc. PULL THE BEAM OUT OF YOUR EYE FIRST! seriously, do something worthwhile. plant a tree. read a book. argue something that matters, like whats in the heart. just because a minor chord sounds better to someone than a major chord doesnt mean anything. Jesus came drinking and eating and they said "look, here's a drunkard and a glutton!" can satan cast out satan? would he? go watch mtv and tell me the same stuff going on there is going on in the christian music. you cant, you just dont like the sound/dont understand it so you hate it. fine. and dont even get me started on people who say you should take instruments out of church. just because the NT doesnt specifically say TO play instruments in church? well, the NT doesnt say to line the floors with carpet either so take that out too. btw, church is a PEOPLE not a building. psalm 33:2 Praise the Lord with the harp; sing unto Him with the psaltery and an instrument with ten strings. That is all.
okay, now that I have that out of the way i actually have a problem. when the Good Lord took me back after my wandering days of youth, i had to give up the music. i wrote many songs, was always playing, producing, creating something (none of it was done in good taste, i can assure you. looking back tonight to see where i came from (mistake #1) i am led to believe there was a demon in me for i didnt understand the things i was writing at the time, but it is clear to me that, well, the things i wrote sounded like a desperate plea from a tortured soul that was destined to roam without rest and ultimately end up in the fires of hell) anyway, that is beside the point. the cursed thing is gone now never to return, PRAISE GOD!
i deleted all my recording/producing software to show God i was serious. that i didnt want to sell my soul, for what shall it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul right? but i still long for the musical part of it, the creating, the notes, the melodies, being artistic, etc. i cant do it anymore because i gave it up. i sit up most nights trying to fill a void. something deeper that i have no idea how to get from God. a longing for our spirits to be united as one. a love. a perfect harmony etc. something i am unable to attain to, He just leaves me wanting more of Him. so i listen to christian music (had to give up the "hard" stuff lol. watched some pretty creepy docs about the music industry and its quite frightening just how entrenched the hand of satan is. people you wouldnt even think.) or read theologians blogs, spurgeon, barth, learning (mostly forgetting what i learn though) searching for something to fill the void.
why isnt God filling this void for me? i gave up my identity for Him. To have an identity in Christ. everything i was, well it wasnt good, so i had to give it up. but now i dont know what i am other than longing for Him. longing to do something. to create. but nothing ever happens but a quick taste of what could be. i see a glimpse of something greater, followed by me standing on the other side of a dark glass, trying to peer through to the other side.
look, i dont understand regeneration, how it happens. when it happens, or how long it even takes. i just know i cant go back to what i was nor do i want to, but i want to move on to something better than before. better than now. i see no opportunity. no light on the horizon. i feel like there is a mark i have to live up to before things can get better but know i cant get there by my own will or doing. i am afflicted, imperfect, and anxious. i fall, i get back up, i fall again. nobody said being a Christian was hard. all the people look so happy and content and eager to shake your hand. it doesnt even matter though, if this is what it takes, if this is "taking up you cross" then so be it. Christ suffered greatly for me, surely i can deny myself and the whole world if need be. but nothing can fill this void.
no light switch is coming on and there is probably no anwser any of you can give me because thats probably not even what im looking for...if that makes any sense (why am i here then asking questions?) i guess i just want to know if other people go through stuff like this. giving up their identity and struggling to find their identity in Christ, because i think that is what the problem is. i keep asking, "what is your plan for me? who am i to you?" etc. no answer. i feel like i have some kind of calling, but no clue what it is. kindling a fire i suppose, who knows. if anybody has and idea of what im talking about, please HELP!
btw, do you know how HARD it is for a shy, introverted person like me to put all this stuff out there for everybody to read? music was the only way i could EVER put myself out there. you know, hiding behind an instrument, a song lyric, a CROSS maybe? please, go easy on the nut who wrote all this stuff (especially the part about instruments in church) ill probably just be like "why did i write all that?" after i hit submit. nothing ive never done before though i guess. hey, God bless you all, especially if you made it this far