Getting tired

Million Pieces · Oct 5, 2008

my best friend had similar issues with her ex and their kids. She started just sending them over in the clothes that she expected them to come back in. In other words, stop sending the good stuff over. The kids know what's going on. They know dad's being silly, they just don't have the place in their minds to make a stand to either of you about it.

FaithfulWife · Oct 10, 2008

One thing we did to help with the clothes and the back-and-forth was to have each kid have a backpack, a travel outfit, and travel shoes. Then each kid owns the travel shoes and they wear those shoes TO dad's house and back TO mom's house. Same for the travel outfit--wear it TO dad's house and back TO mom's Usually it was a pair of like nice black shoes, dressy jeans and a button up top so that in case we had to go somewhere a little bit nice right away, they were somewhat presentable and yet it wasn't "dress up clothes". Same with a travel coat--not a hoodie but not a fur coat. Otherwise when they are at their dad's they wear "dad's clothes" and when they are at mom's they wear "mom's clothes". Dad BUYS and WASHES dad's clothes/mom BUYS and WASHES mom's clothes. For Homecoming etc. we had a boy and a girl, and dad bought the son's homecoming and suits and I bought our daughter's homecoming and dresses. For school supplies we gave dad the list at least a week ahead of time, then the next time the kids were over he went and bought what he could and "wanted to" and I got all the rest. That way it was not "give me receipts" or "you have to wash these clothes"--it was pretty fair--and no grouching about receipts and stuff. If I wanted to get them something I did not even ask him, I worked it out myself. One thing we did notice is you know how kids always have those, "I need $5 for the field trip tomorrow..." expenses? We realized that my ex was NOT a flexible expenses kind of guy and I sort of was more easy-going. So I added up all the "I need $5 " costs one month and found it was about $100. In exchange he paid the braces once-a-month which was also about $100. He got a scheduled payment (that he dealt with better) and I just learned to live with being hen-pecked for money from the kids and schools!

ido · Oct 11, 2008

FaithfulWife - I would LOVE to be able to do something like the arrangement you described above. My kids are still young - turning 7 on Thursday and 4 next month - so I am still a ways away from asking them to be responsible for a backpack with items like you described (my 7 yr old is getting there). Their dad has never bought a school supply (that's what CS is for, he says). He has never supported one of their school fundraisers (if I send them to his house, I never see them again) - honestly, he just this past week asked me for the names of their schools/teacher's names and they've both been at their schools for over a year..our youngest with the same teachers. I've told him the names of their schools/teachers in the past, but he doesn't care so he doesn't remember. Our older son is in first grade and his dad has never asked to see a report card or asked about his progress in Speech.

I could go on, but I'll bore you and frustrate myself. lol

I've been considering getting a copy of the book Stepwives for my ex's fiance b/c I am afraid that is the only hope I would have for getting someone in his house to work with me - but I've held off b/c she doesn't seem to be a very active part of the boys' lives, so I'm not sure she cares if there is unity and cooperation between the two homes.

Wanna know something really ironic? When I was married to my ex, I was so focused on fostering a positive/cooperative relationship with his first ex-wife that I even created an online forum to find/give support and my logo was "Two Homes, One Family". We were very successful with blending our family - but my ex was a very passive part of that success. I would give anything to have that kind of success now that I'm on the Mom side of the Mom/Stepmom situation.

catlover · Oct 11, 2008

Autumnleaf said:
If the guy paid the bills before the divorce its going to take awhile before the former wife gets her financial groove on. Even then, women tend to be emotional spenders more often than men so don't expect her to stop asking for more money until you tell her no a few thousand times in a row.

As for Florida Native Girl. Call the district attorney's office yourself and explain the situation. You don't need a lawyer to get them to make your ex husband follow the rules. For some reason DA offices like to go after men who get behind on child support.

Gee, my ex who is a male spends money on stupid garbage it's nothing for him to dump a load of money on candy and stupid nick knacks.

catlover · Oct 11, 2008

flnativegrl said:
FaithfulWife - I would LOVE to be able to do something like the arrangement you described above. My kids are still young - turning 7 on Thursday and 4 next month - so I am still a ways away from asking them to be responsible for a backpack with items like you described (my 7 yr old is getting there). Their dad has never bought a school supply (that's what CS is for, he says). He has never supported one of their school fundraisers (if I send them to his house, I never see them again) - honestly, he just this past week asked me for the names of their schools/teacher's names and they've both been at their schools for over a year..our youngest with the same teachers. I've told him the names of their schools/teachers in the past, but he doesn't care so he doesn't remember. Our older son is in first grade and his dad has never asked to see a report card or asked about his progress in Speech.

I could go on, but I'll bore you and frustrate myself. lol

.

He sounds like another piece of worthless garbage, like my ex...they can make children but to be responsible and involved with those children is a miracle.

ido · Oct 11, 2008

catlover said:
He sounds like another piece of worthless garbage, like my ex...they can make children but to be responsible and involved with those children is a miracle.

I try not to think of him as garbage b/c that would make me a garbage picker since I used to be married to him.

But, yes, it's frustrating that they willingly engaged in making the children but thought their job ended there.

MyKidsDaddy · Oct 18, 2008

What are my chances of paying no alimony or child support? I WANT custody of my kids. She has had a steady job waitressing for 3 of the past 4 years. She quit one job and sorta tried to do some insurance work. (I am proud that she got her license, but sad that she let it expire one year later due to lack of success) She has her own apartment and handles all her bills except health insurance (covered on my work's policy) and cell phone (I pay for the family plan). She is capably employed and healthy.

catlover · Oct 18, 2008

flnativegrl said:
I try not to think of him as garbage b/c that would make me a garbage picker since I used to be married to him.

But, yes, it's frustrating that they willingly engaged in making the children but thought their job ended there.

Or that you simply made a mistake. LOL...love is blind.

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

When it comes to the clothes, they are given clothes by their G/mother, and sent in a bag with me. I have bought them clothes that they have with me. I almost always send them home with their clothes, unless they wear something that I have bought them. I will keep those with me. I have bought them jackets, clothes, PJ's, etc. They have toys that stay with me so they have stuff to play with here with me. I am very careful to be sure their stuff goes back with them when they leave me. Their mother and I talk very little, due to the legal issues right now, so we are going with what we used to do before the papers were filled. I guess it just depends on what works for you.

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

MyKidsDaddy said:
What are my chances of paying no alimony or child support? I WANT custody of my kids. She has had a steady job waitressing for 3 of the past 4 years. She quit one job and sorta tried to do some insurance work. (I am proud that she got her license, but sad that she let it expire one year later due to lack of success) She has her own apartment and handles all her bills except health insurance (covered on my work's policy) and cell phone (I pay for the family plan). She is capably employed and healthy.

In my case, I am paying support for now. It doesn't leave me much money...that's for sure. I also want custody, and am working hard to get it. She is capable of working, but isn't. Her expenses are down since she is living with the parents now. I was told that, in support and alimony, they will look at what she is capable of earning, based on past years taxes, and base any support on that figure. In my case, she could earn exactly what I do every year, and my support would only drop $200 per month. (Yes, even if we made the exact amount of money per year.) Over the past 2 years, she did make exactly what I did per hour, so we will see. Child support for 5 kids is a lot, my friend. It really stinks when you don't get to see your kids that often, either. I'm not sure how it works where you are. I am waiting for the courts to look at the case, and make some decisions here. I would rather negotiate, but I already know what she wants, and cannot agree to those terms.

Good luck, and God bless.

5kidsdad

AirForceTeacher · Oct 18, 2008

5kidsdad said:
In my case, I am paying support for now. It doesn't leave me much money...that's for sure. I also want custody, and am working hard to get it. She is capable of working, but isn't. Her expenses are down since she is living with the parents now. I was told that, in support and alimony, they will look at what she is capable of earning, based on past years taxes, and base any support on that figure. In my case, she could earn exactly what I do every year, and my support would only drop $200 per month. (Yes, even if we made the exact amount of money per year.) Over the past 2 years, she did make exactly what I did per hour, so we will see. Child support for 5 kids is a lot, my friend. It really stinks when you don't get to see your kids that often, either. I'm not sure how it works where you are. I am waiting for the courts to look at the case, and make some decisions here. I would rather negotiate, but I already know what she wants, and cannot agree to those terms.

Good luck, and God bless.

5kidsdad

I know the feeling. Mediation 30 Oct.

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

Funny AFT, you too? I just spoke to her recently, and she wants to mediate, saying that "you know, the order that came down will be what they go with." It is temporary...with no facts presented in the case yet. Am I supposed to sit idly by, and pay for everything, and be forced to live with my family until she decides to get a job? And am I supposed to be happy only seeing the 5 kids every other weekend? When does this become fair to the men in this world? I know...it doesn't. I just have to bide my time, and wait until the kids get old enough to make thier own decisions, right? Meanwhile, I pay for her sin? Sorry, I am just very, very frustrated. My kids are being relocated back to the house again, after staying with their grandparents for a few weeks. They have no set home now. At least they know where they will be staying when they are with me. I do have a routine for them, and they seem to enjoy it. I don't know...just seems wrong in so many ways.

Sorry to vent...hate to see the kids hurt...

5kidsdad

ido · Oct 18, 2008

Umm no offense, guys - but if you want to rant about moms who want too much, please do it in another thread. My thread was started out of frustration with my ex and his lack of financial responsibility for his kids....it doesn't make me feel very good to read all of you talking about how us moms want too much. As a mom who has worked to keep things as "fair" as possible, your comments are really rubbing me the wrong way.

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

I am truly sorry...I didn't mean to offend. I know there are fantastic mothers out there, and you sound like one of them. I know that there are deadbeat dads out there as well, and they need to step up and support their children. I will not post here with my issues, I promise. Again, I am truly sorry to have offended you.

5kidsdad

FaithfulWife · Oct 18, 2008

Can I make two quick recommendations? AFT and 5kidsdad--I think you two could really support and encourage each other a lot, so I do suggest you make your own thread about being a divorced dad or something.

Recommendation #2, this is flnativegrl's thread and it's about how frustrated she is to have an ex who "walked away" from their parental responsibilities--and on that note I bet you guys can relate! And while I hope you can encourage and support her, maybe even show her a little bit the "dad" point of view, I also hope all of us--moms and dads--can begin to see that what looks like "Well he has a $5k a week job, no expenses, and still gripes about CS" could have another point of view too. For example, it helped me a lot as a divorced mom to realize that my ex did not deal well with the little daily "I need $5 for the field trip" as it grated on his personality...but he completely did okay with $100 a month for the orthodontist bill! Little stuff like that can make it so that it may not be "happy" but it at least sort of works.

So yeah--I think it's cool you two have connected and share some common stuff, but this thread is for flnativegrl and for her to explain what it's like as a mom to try to raise the kids with a "walk away" ex. Personally, my dear hubby's ex is a walk away and here's how it made me feel:

AirForceTeacher · Oct 18, 2008

flnativegrl said:
Umm no offense, guys - but if you want to rant about moms who want too much, please do it in another thread. My thread was started out of frustration with my ex and his lack of financial responsibility for his kids....it doesn't make me feel very good to read all of you talking about how us moms want too much. As a mom who has worked to keep things as "fair" as possible, your comments are really rubbing me the wrong way.

Sorry fng - all I meant to do when I first posted in this thread was to balance it out. I apologize.

ido · Oct 18, 2008

AirForceTeacher said:
Sorry fng - all I meant to do when I first posted in this thread was to balance it out. I apologize.

No worries, AFT. I'm tired and emotional today, so I'm probably being over-sensitive. I do realize that there are women that quite literally demand everything, just as their are men that try to avoid paying.

I just need a place to vent without having to read about women that are asking for too much since I'm not one of them and I'm really struggling financially right now b/c of my ex.

ido · Oct 18, 2008

5kidsdad said:
I am truly sorry...I didn't mean to offend. I know there are fantastic mothers out there, and you sound like one of them. I know that there are deadbeat dads out there as well, and they need to step up and support their children. I will not post here with my issues, I promise. Again, I am truly sorry to have offended you.

5kidsdad

5kd - thanks - see what I said to AFT - I'm too tired to re-type the sentiment. lol

ido · Oct 18, 2008

FaithfulWife said:
Can I make two quick recommendations? AFT and 5kidsdad--I think you two could really support and encourage each other a lot, so I do suggest you make your own thread about being a divorced dad or something.

Recommendation #2, this is flnativegrl's thread and it's about how frustrated she is to have an ex who "walked away" from their parental responsibilities--and on that note I bet you guys can relate! And while I hope you can encourage and support her, maybe even show her a little bit the "dad" point of view, I also hope all of us--moms and dads--can begin to see that what looks like "Well he has a $5k a week job, no expenses, and still gripes about CS" could have another point of view too. For example, it helped me a lot as a divorced mom to realize that my ex did not deal well with the little daily "I need $5 for the field trip" as it grated on his personality...but he completely did okay with $100 a month for the orthodontist bill! Little stuff like that can make it so that it may not be "happy" but it at least sort of works.

So yeah--I think it's cool you two have connected and share some common stuff, but this thread is for flnativegrl and for her to explain what it's like as a mom to try to raise the kids with a "walk away" ex. Personally, my dear hubby's ex is a walk away and here's how it made me feel:

Thanks FaithfulWife. BTW - I feel the same way about my ex. LOL

5kidsdad · Oct 18, 2008

FNG...no problem...I'm a guy and get those mood swing days...I am struggling with making it right now money wise, so I can empathise. We all need those places to vent...thank God for here! BTW, I like the "5kd" thing...I might start using that...all thanks to you! LOL

God bless,

5kd

Getting tired

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