"Flaky" friends

Blue Wren · Feb 7, 2015

Has anybody had a friend who cancelled plans, last-minute, very often? What did you do? One of my friends, she has sincerely been a good friend. I do not want to end the friendship, no. She is so unreliable. It makes me frustrated. We make plans, then she texts an hour before we're to go out to cancel. There's always some reason. Her boyfriend changed his mind and wanted to go out after all. She has a headache. She forgot that she needs to study. The problem is that I make plans, based on her. I'm in the US, for a "gap year." The family that is hosting me, they live an hour outside of the city. I do not have a car. It's too complicated, with insurance, being international & young, ect. I have to make plans, in advance, for transportation. She was going to pick me up. It's too late now, to go into the city. When I do things with her, we always have such fun. I enjoy it. I don't enjoy, sitting home, on a Saturday night, alone because she "flaked". I have talked to her before, about this. She will say sorry, and seem sincere. Then she does it again. I do understand, wanting to be with your boyfriend, yes. Mine is another country, so not possible for me to spend tonight with him. We have been together, for four years now. Never, have I broken plans, due to him. Never, has he done that, for me. I do not think, it's a reason, to abandon plans with your friends so late. Is it?

Advice on what to do?

I do have other friends, but it is not the same. I have only lived, in this city, a short time. She is the one, I have been friends with for many years. She lives the closest, also. Her family, they had helped make arrangements for me, with my host family I live with now. I am an hour, outside the city. My new friends, they are nice they all live in the city, in the dorms and such. It's not so easy to get there in time to join them, when she flakes as they say, so late.

vanillaicecream · Feb 7, 2015

Is she the only friend there you can go out with?
Over the years, I have had some "flaky" friends too. Usual excuse: Emergency, not feeling well, something more imporatnt came up, boyfriend/girlfriend issue.

For me, it's no big deal. If she can't make it on our jogging shedule, I'd jog on my own. I'm comfortable shopping, attending church service, travelling, strolling on my own.

But if you aren't, my suggestion would be to have a back up plan. And don't cut ties with your friend just because of her bf problem.
If you can, go look for more friends, don't be just dependent on one.

Bobthemotorcycle · Feb 7, 2015

Blue Wren · Feb 7, 2015

Thank-you for the advice, Vanilla Ice Cream. She's not the only friend I can go out with, no. She is the one I've known the longest, here in the US. We've been good friends, since age 14. I have only been where I am now, since October. My friends from church, internship, school - they all live in the city. I do make plans with them. Mainly, I go out with them, on Friday nights when I'm already in the city. Public transportation is not close to where I am. I must plan out activities. I do things with this friend on Saturday, or I travel into the city, in the afternoon. I have to make those plans, in advance, due to transportation. She lives 5 minutes away from where I do. I do enjoy doing things alone, yes. Not so much on a Saturday night. We had fun plans, that would be weird, for me to do alone. It's hard, to make back-up plans. I then feel, that I am the flake, if I do not do Plan B, because Plan A is not cancelled after all. She does not always flake.

Thank-you also, to NWAB.

Saricharity · Feb 7, 2015

Hi Blue Wren,

Goodness, I feel your pain. I have one wonderful friend who seems to do this every now and then too. We make plans and I'm so looking forward to it and then she texts me and says she can't make it (usually because something else came up or she just doesn't feel like going out). I have tried to explain to her that when she does that, I loose faith in her word.
You could try to have a heart to heart and explain the situation to her. I'm not sure if she will identify with your unique situation but I hope so.
We need to figure out how to connect
I was stuck inside today and this evening as well. I was so bored and should have done homework. Now it's almost midnight. Sigh. It's been a waste of lovely day and evening being stuck at home. I would have rather gone skiing or something.
I'm sorry you had a disappointing evening.
Cheer up and maybe try to have a frank discussion with your friend. If she doesn't listen, you may have to tell her that you are not available next time she asks you reminding her that you do not want plans to fall through on a whim.
Hugs.

Rhamiel · Feb 8, 2015

well my situation is a little different
I have a car, and I live close to a main city

but I do have a friend like that
for a while I was very mad, and was saying stuff like "oh I should just stop being friends with this person"
but then I accepted that is just the way he is
I do NOT make plans around him, I do not try and schedule what I do around what is good for him because he cancels so often, I do not change plans for him, I invite him along sometimes to things I want to do, if he comes along, great, if not, it is his loss

~Beauty_from_Pain~ · Feb 8, 2015

I would first talk with them. REALLY talk it out. It sounds like you may have done this?

I would probably express my frustration to her and even discuss how I'm not sure if we can make plans in the future because of this. Most likely if talking with her didn't work I would stop making plans. Or I would make plans that would include others so that if she can't make it, your plans can still happen.

Blue Wren · Feb 8, 2015

Jennae said:
Hi Blue Wren,

Goodness, I feel your pain. I have one wonderful friend who seems to do this every now and then too. We make plans and I'm so looking forward to it and then she texts me and says she can't make it (usually because something else came up or she just doesn't feel like going out). I have tried to explain to her that when she does that, I loose faith in her word.
You could try to have a heart to heart and explain the situation to her. I'm not sure if she will identify with your unique situation but I hope so.
We need to figure out how to connect
I was stuck inside today and this evening as well. I was so bored and should have done homework. Now it's almost midnight. Sigh. It's been a waste of lovely day and evening being stuck at home. I would have rather gone skiing or something.
I'm sorry you had a disappointing evening.
Cheer up and maybe try to have a frank discussion with your friend. If she doesn't listen, you may have to tell her that you are not available next time she asks you reminding her that you do not want plans to fall through on a whim.
Hugs.

Thank-you. I am sorry, you had a disappointing day, also. Was the weather, so terrible, you could not enjoy the day?

I do understand, when plans are broken due to things such as weather, of course. That happens, in the winter. It does make you lose faith, in your friend's word, when she cancels due to things she could control, yes. I agree with you, on this.

Blue Wren · Feb 8, 2015

~Beauty_from_Pain~ said:
I would first talk with them. REALLY talk it out. It sounds like you may have done this?

I would probably express my frustration to her and even discuss how I'm not sure if we can make plans in the future because of this. Most likely if talking with her didn't work I would stop making plans. Or I would make plans that would include others so that if she can't make it, your plans can still happen.

I will try talking to her again. I tried before, yes. She seemed sincere, about being sorry. Then she did it again, and then even again. She says she can't help it, if she has papers she has to work on. Or if her boyfriend changes his mind. She can help it, I think. I know, we're young, but we can still be dependable. I have an internship that requires studying / papers + classes. I just plan my time. My boyfriend, he has always understood, when I've already made plans with friends.

TheGirlOnFire · Feb 8, 2015

Sometimes people change and move on..

I wouldn't make plans with her, but actually be round via text message, she might be having problems and doesn't want anyone to know at the moment, hence she keep canceling....

It is a shame when people are like that though

JojotheBeloved · Feb 8, 2015

I've had several friends who were flaky often. The way I dealt with it was to first decide whether or not I had enough value in the friendship to keep it at all. It sounds like you do. With that decided, I simply let go of my expectations that she (in my case both times my friend was a woman) would stick to a plan and instead didn't depend on her. That sounds bad, but it really isn't. If I really needed someone who was dependable - say to give me a ride from the airport or something - than I'd ask someone else or take the bus or something. If I wanted to have fun with her, I would just find multiple opportunities and at each opportunity treat it like a spontaneous event. For example, if I wanted to go to the park and go for a walk, I would make the plan for myself with or without her and then call her up about an hour before I left and invited her to come along. Sometimes she said yes, sometimes no, and sometimes we did get together but we did something completely different. But we still got to have fun and continue our friendship. That's what I've done pretty successfully. Good luck.

Blue Wren · Feb 8, 2015

I have gotten good advice here. Thank-you.

sunshineforJesus · Feb 8, 2015

I have friends like that and have learned not to take them too seriously when they make plans.

RobertMerton · Feb 10, 2015

I have a friend who has a habit of showing up 2-3 hours late.

A mutual friend (a friend who I spend the most time with) now refuses to hang out with him so I don't really hang out with the tardy friend anymore.

Gnarwhal · Feb 10, 2015

Blue Wren said:
Has anybody had a friend who cancelled plans, last-minute, very often? What did you do? One of my friends, she has sincerely been a good friend. I do not want to end the friendship, no. She is so unreliable. It makes me frustrated. We make plans, then she texts an hour before we're to go out to cancel. There's always some reason. Her boyfriend changed his mind and wanted to go out after all. She has a headache. She forgot that she needs to study. The problem is that I make plans, based on her. I'm in the US, for a "gap year." The family that is hosting me, they live an hour outside of the city. I do not have a car. It's too complicated, with insurance, being international & young, ect. I have to make plans, in advance, for transportation. She was going to pick me up. It's too late now, to go into the city. When I do things with her, we always have such fun. I enjoy it. I don't enjoy, sitting home, on a Saturday night, alone because she "flaked". I have talked to her before, about this. She will say sorry, and seem sincere. Then she does it again. I do understand, wanting to be with your boyfriend, yes. Mine is another country, so not possible for me to spend tonight with him. We have been together, for four years now. Never, have I broken plans, due to him. Never, has he done that, for me. I do not think, it's a reason, to abandon plans with your friends so late. Is it?

Advice on what to do?

I do have other friends, but it is not the same. I have only lived, in this city, a short time. She is the one, I have been friends with for many years. She lives the closest, also. Her family, they had helped make arrangements for me, with my host family I live with now. I am an hour, outside the city. My new friends, they are nice they all live in the city, in the dorms and such. It's not so easy to get there in time to join them, when she flakes as they say, so late.

In my opinion, the easiest thing to do when you have a friend who flakes out or who is never available in the first place, is let them be the one to initiate contact and propose something to do.

Sometimes that can be a good gauge for their priorities. If you're always the one calling/texting/messaging them and saying "let's do this" and they agree but then change their mind at the last minute - maybe they weren't really into it to begin with. So instead, back away for a little bit and see if they ever contact you and ask to hang out. If they don't, then maybe they don't want to hang out as badly as they claim.

It also works to do that if they're a very busy person, that way the ball is in their court to hang out when they're available.

If you prefer a more direct approach, it's always possible to confront them about it and ask them why they flake out so often. Maybe they don't realize they're doing it, or maybe there's something they need to get off of their chest. Who knows?

Blue Wren · Apr 25, 2015

I apologise, if this seems offensive, but do you think Americans are more flaky by nature, than Europeans? I ask because in Sweden, every time I've made plans with friends, the plans have been kept. We are very punctual, also. Whilst here in the US, I've made some very good friends, but, many are not so reliable, with our plans. They also tend to be late, for many social events. 15 minutes late, or more, and frequently! The only time, I have ever been late, was after I was in hospital because of an accident.

Would you be annoyed, by this? Tonight, I was invited out by a friend from my work. Our plans were not formalised, but there were several events, parties on campus, ect, that we talked about. We were to meet at 7, when she finished work. I only worked to 1 today.
At 6:57 she texted me asking if we could "change plans." Other people at work, they were going to "happy hour" at a bar, then out, possibly to other bars. She invited me to join them. This is not possible for me, as I'm under 21. I went out with them, to this exact bar, not so long ago for a friend's birthday, and the man at the door, he would not let me inside. I promised I would not drink, but he said it's a rule of the bar, that you cannot even enter, under age 21. He was not discreet about not letting me in, at all. Everyone, they saw what happened, they know, I'm not 21. There's nothing to be done about this. It's not honest, to have a fake ID. Every bar I've been to, has had a man at the door, a bouncer, who checks ID, and will not let you in, if you are underage. I'm the youngest, of the interns, by several years. The friend knows my age. I replied, that I couldn't go with them. She just texted back, asking for a "rain check" on our plans.

This friend, she's not the same friend, as the one who "flaked" on me in the OP. I thought, she was more reliable. She likes one of the guys, at work, I understand, wanting to be with him for this happy hour. I still, feel annoyed. I live with a host family, out in the suburbs. My host "parents" are both professors, at the university where I have my internship. They are very happy, to let me ride with them, from home to the university, and back. By car, it's not so unpleasant of a journey. By public transportation, it takes over an hour, sometimes as long as 2, as there is not a direct route, and you must make connections. It's a pain, as I have a bicycle for transportation whilst in the city. If she had told me earlier, I could have gotten a ride with them, and been back in the area where we live in time to go to the movies with my friends who live here. I feel like the night was wasted, and as my year here is nearly finished, this made me sad.

Bobthemotorcycle · Apr 25, 2015

I feel this is a regional thing and not so much an American thing.

The problem with the area you are in is there is so much to do and people constantly change their plans many times throughout day as something better pops up.

You are right to be hurt but I believe it is more of a regional thing and if you were to make it to middle America like where I live you would see that most people are not as self centered as they are in the area you are in.

Try making plans with guys and I guarantee not a single one will ever not show up.

sundewgrower · Apr 25, 2015

Blue Wren said:
I apologise, if this seems offensive, but do you think Americans are more flaky by nature, than Europeans? I ask because in Sweden, every time I've made plans with friends, the plans have been kept. We are very punctual, also. Whilst here in the US, I've made some very good friends, but, many are not so reliable, with our plans. They also tend to be late, for many social events. 15 minutes late, or more, and frequently! The only time, I have ever been late, was after I was in hospital because of an accident.

Americans drive me crazy a lot of the time even though I am one.
My old small home school style teacher from Denmark I had for years, and foreign friends have shown me that I prefer how others handle stuff. Not that our culture is bad, but it lacks in some areas, and I like others more at times.
I don't want to bash. But that's why I prefer dealing with people who aren't from the US, have a strong cultural influence from elsewhere, or at least carry some value you don't usually see here.

Being that late, and flaky isn't good.
My father is blunt and says "consider the source".
You're getting dates, and times from somebody who is a proven flake. Sadly, you best just realize that's what you'll get, and let your friend call the shots for things whilst you realize that it's part of being a friend.

My friend in Asia is punctual, and I return the favor. I like it when you match how others are, or try to at least be in sync. If she says 9:30 Skype she'll be there unless she is trapped. If she promises but can't make it work I'll get an apology, and since I'm laid back I'll say don't worry about it since she'll be far too "polite" to me since I'm an American
Also, if she is going through some sort of terrible thing, or if I am.
Then whatever is said will happen unless we can't. But with flakes. If you count on them then you're probably toast sadly :/

So. I'm not sure since I didn't read everything down to the word.
But the best thing to do is take it for what it is, adjust accordingly, and realize that you should keep this friend but maybe slowly change your opinions some.

Gnarwhal · Apr 25, 2015

Blue Wren said:
I apologise, if this seems offensive, but do you think Americans are more flaky by nature, than Europeans? I ask because in Sweden, every time I've made plans with friends, the plans have been kept. We are very punctual, also. Whilst here in the US, I've made some very good friends, but, many are not so reliable, with our plans. They also tend to be late, for many social events. 15 minutes late, or more, and frequently! The only time, I have ever been late, was after I was in hospital because of an accident.

I think it's a good question, actually, but I think the answer is kind of complex.

The short answer is: no, we're not all flaky. Many of us honor our commitments to people.

I think this sort of thing is an example of the pitfalls with American individualism. Many tend to operate with their own personal code of ethics, and nothing else governs their behavior.

I think because European countries have a more homogenous culture than we do, that there are values that are acknowledged, cherished and followed across the board. Whereas here in the States you might find very different values from one group to the next. Take the law of "Jante" for example, we don't have anything close to that here.

But I digress...

Blue Wren said:
Would you be annoyed, by this? Tonight, I was invited out by a friend from my work. Our plans were not formalised, but there were several events, parties on campus, ect, that we talked about. We were to meet at 7, when she finished work. I only worked to 1 today.
At 6:57 she texted me asking if we could "change plans." Other people at work, they were going to "happy hour" at a bar, then out, possibly to other bars. She invited me to join them. This is not possible for me, as I'm under 21. I went out with them, to this exact bar, not so long ago for a friend's birthday, and the man at the door, he would not let me inside. I promised I would not drink, but he said it's a rule of the bar, that you cannot even enter, under age 21. He was not discreet about not letting me in, at all. Everyone, they saw what happened, they know, I'm not 21. There's nothing to be done about this. It's not honest, to have a fake ID. Every bar I've been to, has had a man at the door, a bouncer, who checks ID, and will not let you in, if you are underage. I'm the youngest, of the interns, by several years. The friend knows my age. I replied, that I couldn't go with them. She just texted back, asking for a "rain check" on our plans.

First of all, I'm sorry you weren't let into the bar. I suppose you have to understand that here in America people take underage drinking very seriously (which has been discussed in your other thread). Bars can be shut down on the spot if they're caught letting underage persons inside - and they do get caught, cops are always staging sting operations to monitor these sorts of things. I knew a girl who worked at a pizza place even, and she got busted for unknowingly selling alcohol to someone with a fake ID. If a bar serves food as well, they can allow underage persons in until usually 9:00PM or so, after that point it's considered to be exclusively a bar.

Secondly, it sounds like your "friends" were more interested in drinking than doing an activity that they could include you in. I know what that's like, I've been there. Before I turned 21, my friends who could drink were always cancelling plans on me because they had an opportunity to go out and drink.

Blue Wren said:
This friend, she's not the same friend, as the one who "flaked" on me in the OP. I thought, she was more reliable. She likes one of the guys, at work, I understand, wanting to be with him for this happy hour. I still, feel annoyed. I live with a host family, out in the suburbs. My host "parents" are both professors, at the university where I have my internship. They are very happy, to let me ride with them, from home to the university, and back. By car, it's not so unpleasant of a journey. By public transportation, it takes over an hour, sometimes as long as 2, as there is not a direct route, and you must make connections. It's a pain, as I have a bicycle for transportation whilst in the city. If she had told me earlier, I could have gotten a ride with them, and been back in the area where we live in time to go to the movies with my friends who live here. I feel like the night was wasted, and as my year here is nearly finished, this made me sad.

It's possible that you're encountering people who just don't have a strong sense of loyalty. There are those of us who value our friendships and take the commitments we make to them seriously, some people don't though.

Again I'm sorry all of this is happening, some people are just lousy.

Blue Wren · Apr 26, 2015

Bobthemotorcycle said:
I feel this is a regional thing and not so much an American thing.

The problem with the area you are in is there is so much to do and people constantly change their plans many times throughout day as something better pops up.

You are right to be hurt but I believe it is more of a regional thing and if you were to make it to middle America like where I live you would see that most people are not as self centered as they are in the area you are in.

Try making plans with guys and I guarantee not a single one will ever not show up.

I think you could be right, about it being regional. There is so much to do, with the university, and then the city is big, also. I think, maybe, age is also a part of it.

None of my guy friends here, have ever flaked, on our plans. You might be on to something, yes. They might be more polite, in a way. I think, maybe girls, they are more flaky, especially if the alternative plans involve being with guys they like.

Thank-you, all for the responses. You were all nice.

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