Filing papers this week

Well, that was fast! It took my husband 1 week to go from "I'll do whatever I have to do to save this marriage." to "I'm not going to do that. It's none of your business." I haven't heard from him since last Sunday when he said that.

I sent him an email tonight telling him that while I hope he will walk with the Lord and get his life straightened out for his own sake, I am filing the legal separation papers this week.

Truthfully, I think at this point I should just get divorced and get it over with. It is now my belief (again) that his whole "conversion experience" came about only because he thought I was moving on. Well, you know what, I want to. I've had enough.

Well, my ex-h converted after I had re-dedicated my life and he thought he might lose me when he was losing everything else in his life. He was like that shallow ground and the seeds got blown away in the wind.

I don't know your background, but pray for direction and wisdom. Don't make snap decisions because of hurt. I would also suggest some counseling for yourself, or maybe a divorce recovery class. I never knew such things existed when I separated more than 9 years ago.

You know for what it's worth, the devil knows the word and he'll bring that to you all the time - what if he's really converted? Aren't you disobeying God?

I know God does not desire for me to live the way that I am - and yet all the time I feel guilt for wanting to be free from abuse.

stay in prayer frequently and in the word - it will help you sort out the truth.

Yeah,
Your estranged husband is on a roller coaster ride and it would seem that you are as well.
He is in a heap of trouble...and looks to you or whomever for some kind of stability in his life. When you haven't thrown him a lifeline of hope that you will be able to love him when he does get his act together...he is going to look elsewhere.

Maybe...possibly...you could offer him this. That if he goes all to the AA meetings that he is supposed to and the other counciling sessions that he is supposed to go to he may ask you out for a date...to the park, the zoo or anyplace that is public and that you two may speak to each other. Make him court you again. He has some real self-esteem issues to overcome.

I also understand that you may be tired...and are simply out of grace for this guy. You do have children to protect. Either way the road is long and difficult. We (Christians) aren't here to take abuse or are to cast our pearls before swine. You did see something in him somewhere at sometime that was good...it might still be there...just buried. But again...maybe it was just the idea of him that was attractive to you...

None of us are perfect...just forgiven.

Let me begin by saying, YAY!! I finally figured out how to do the multiquote!

JohnDB said:

Yeah,
When you haven't thrown him a lifeline of hope that you will be able to love him when he does get his act together...he is going to look elsewhere.

Maybe...possibly...you could offer him this. That if he goes all to the AA meetings that he is supposed to and the other counciling sessions that he is supposed to go to he may ask you out for a date...to the park, the zoo or anyplace that is public and that you two may speak to each other. Make him court you again.

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All of that was offered and, apparently, rejected. It seems that this marriage was important to him only momentarily - until he was certain that I had not begun seeing someone else. Once he was assured that our marriage would be restored if he worked on these issues, he seems to have decided I'm still a doormat and not going anywhere no matter how he behaves.

JohnDB said:

I also understand that you may be tired...and are simply out of grace for this guy. You do have children to protect. Either way the road is long and difficult. We (Christians) aren't here to take abuse or are to cast our pearls before swine..

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Bingo. If there were evidence of genuine repentance that lasted for more than a couple of days I would be feeling differently. But my kids have been through enough - they were not raised in an alcoholic home for the first 12 & 9 years of their lives. I would never have knowingly put them in that situation. Their suffering was a result of MY poor choices.

JohnDB said:

You did see something in him somewhere at sometime that was good...it might still be there...just buried. But again...maybe it was just the idea of him that was attractive to you....

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What I saw was not real - and I chose to accept the facade. I don't blame my husband for the whole debacle. Hindsight is 20/20 and there were plenty of red flags that I chose to ignore because he "seemed" like a nice guy.

JohnDB said:

None of us are perfect...just forgiven.

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Amen to that! I don't offer perfection, nor do I demand it in anyone else. I do, however, strive to live my life in such a way that others aren't damaged by my behavior and I expect the same from my spouse.

eatenbylocusts said:

I don't know your background, but pray for direction and wisdom. Don't make snap decisions because of hurt.

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This was a decision reached after much prayer and consultation with my pastor.

nowhereville said:

You know for what it's worth, the devil knows the word and he'll bring that to you all the time - what if he's really converted? Aren't you disobeying God?

I know God does not desire for me to live the way that I am - and yet all the time I feel guilt for wanting to be free from abuse.

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I don't think I am disobeying God. I was left by an unbeliever, who chose not to live with me. I didn't ask him to leave - he did so of his own volition so he could drink, view porn, not hold a job, and start a long distance relationship so he could begin anew the process of pretending to be someone he's not. During his brief "I'll do anything" phase 2 weeks ago, he said exactly that. His only complaint about me was that I refused to tolerate those things in silence, so he left.

He had a change of heart that lasted for less than 1 week.


Perhaps I should clarify that in my state legal separation does not automatically lead to divorce. In order to divorce, one of us would later have to file another action to do so. We will still be married, but our property will be separated and we will not be obligated for the other person's debts.

This is something I must do - it is highly likely that one of these times that he is out driving drunk he will kill or injure someone, or cause extensive property damage. Without the legal separation, my home (which I purchased before our marriage) will be an asset that could be considered in a lawsuit.

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate the sharing of perspectives on this - they cause me to examine my motives and that is always a good thing.

Separating of property is essential, I agree. You are being very wise to do this as quickly as possible. The last thing you need is for him to be able to cause you debt.

I believe it's the "hope of change" - and how it ties into our obligations as good and loving spouses - that gives us the most problems in these types of situations.

However - at some point - it becomes an issue of "how long will my life be held hostage to this carrot of 'change' being intentionally dangled in front of my face?"

...and sometimes it's perfectly reasonable (due to experience) to say "No longer."

It's kind of like if you have a rat on a wheel running and running - thinking it's going to get to that elusive food that is just out of reach by design. If after a long time of running - the rat says 'I've had enough of this wheel' - and gets off to go look for food elsewhere - I see no sin in that. Often - for self preservation - there is no other option.

If - unknown to the rat - the wheel was on the verge of breaking - and they may have gotten the food if they had just continued running for another couple of days - it really doesn't matter. There's no sin or anything wrong with their decision. Past experience - and self preservation - necessitated their decision to leave. Let the next rat who gets on that wheel enjoy the food - or run forever as well.

In fact - hope that they get the food - hope that the wheel breaks - but it's simply not your business anymore. When I went through my divorce - I simply refused to be hostage to that wheel anymore. I did, and still do, hope that she changes for the better and lives a happy and content life. However - I made the decision that either way (good or bad) it wasn't going to be with me.

Ya know?

Dear sister,

I completely support you in this choice.
I sounds to me like you have a clear, stable head on your shoulders about it.

I believe that God does not love a marriage covenant more than He loves the people in it. I also do not believe God condones abuse and that if there was going to be any major changes in the abusers life/ways, that it could still happen in the process of divorce.... the opportunity is always present for your husband to change his ways. If he does not, then you have made the correct choice for you and your children.

God bless you. I will be praying for you.

MauiMamma said:

Dear sister,

I completely support you in this choice.
I sounds to me like you have a clear, stable head on your shoulders about this.

I believe that God does not love a marriage covenant more than He loves the people in it. I also do not believe God condones abuse and that if there was going to be any major changes in the abusers life/ways, that it could still happen in the process of divorce.... the opportunity is always present for your husband to change his ways. If he does not, then you have made the correct choice for you and your children.

God bless you. I will be praying for you.

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Thank you for your support and your prayers. They are both very much appreciated.