Feeling sad about a situation at school.

EmilyF · Aug 25, 2011

I don't think that it's just that easy for this other mom. I would be very angry with your son and with you.

The fact is, that you haven't resolved this with the mother. Smiling across the parking lot os not a resolution and she may have felt like you were minimizing what happened.

I'd talk to her. Do NOT make excuses. Don't tell her that you didn't raise him that way or anything like that. Tell her that you're talking to him about it and that you're doing what you can to assure that it doesn't happen again.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're still treated a little icily and I'm not sure that there's room to feel like it's not fair to have been treated this way. Imagine how she must feel. She sent her kid to a place that's supposed to be safe and your kid picked on her and shoved him.

Lean Forward · Aug 25, 2011

These days every little disagreement kids get into is blown up into an international indecent.. when it really goes down hill is when parents get involved and start acting more immature than their children.

FaithPrevails · Aug 25, 2011

From the POV of the "other mom"? My son was bullied in second grade in a similar fashion. A girl he had actually been really good friends with started hanging around another boy who didn't like my son. The two of them together made my son's life miserable - to the point that I asked that they not be placed in the same class together in future grade levels.

My son struggled with feeling rejected and told me almost daily that he had no friends and no one liked him. It was a difficult and heart-wrenching year for both my son and me. I worked with his teacher closely to resolve the problem, but our success was limited b/c the other parents weren't responsive.

While I wouldn't glare at the other child or his parent, I would be hard pressed to give more than a tight lipped smile. Blame it on the Mama Bear in me, but it is what it is.

It's good that you handled the situation the way that you did and it sounds like your son did learn from it. But, that doesn't erase the damage that his actions had on the other child.

Try not to take it too personally. You did the right thing. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done.

butterflymom1 · Aug 25, 2011

butterflymom1 · Aug 25, 2011

FaithPrevails · Aug 26, 2011

butterflymom1 said:
Oh well, I guess it will blow over. I know that it is awful to have a child bullied. I've had that happen to one of my other children to a far greater extent than this but I'm proud of the way I handled that as far as the other child and mother and that I still treated both of them with respect. Sure I was angry but that doesn't resolve anything and being angry at the mother would just be misplaced so I chose to handle it with professionalism and maturity. I suppose my work in mediation and conflict resolution might shape my perspective. I also would see treating a mother badly because our children had issues as bullying on my part.
I did try to talk to the other mother but she wasn't interested. In fact, when I stood alongside as my son apologized in person as he wanted to do, I was told it 'wasn't appropriate for me to be there when he apologized and they should have just worked it out on the playground'. What was still a very fresh and small issue is so much more easily dealt with when people pull together. So she doesn't want my support, ok. I tried to do the right thing even though it would have been easier to just leave it to the school to deal with. I can assure you I have done nothing to minimize the situation. If anything I reacted more strongly than when my own child was the victim. I suspect my strong reaction to correct this in my child is due to my own baggage from my own childhood. I'm also aware that other people's responses and reactions to this situation speak of their own experience and whatever they carry too - as well all do.
It's like it's ok for her child to shun the other friend but when her child has the same done to him as a result of his actions it's worth a complaint to the school and that's the only difference.
I don't tolerate bullying whatever side of it my children are on and I was bullied for years without any support so I'm a very strong advocate against such situations and put my money where my mouth is.
I'm going to hold my head up high as I couldn't have done more to help this situation. I'll stay approachable and leave the ball in the court of the other mother as to whether she wants my support or not. As far as I know everything is resolved now but I guess I'd be certain if I was able to approach her and ask her about that. I'd like to ask, "Is everything ok between ... and ... now?". Should there be any further issues, and I don't expect there will be, I will just let the principal know that I have addressed it with my child and I am happy to work with them but the other family has made it clear that my support is not welcome.
To be honest, it feels worse to be the mother on this end of it than it was to be the mother of the bullied child from my own perspective. When I was first informed of this situation my first reaction was to be devastated but I was able to self-talk myself to put aside any emotions, put on my work hat and think about what needed to be done, and I did that. Thankfully, I've never experienced this side with my older children, and hope I never will again with this one.
Normally I can deal with this sort of thing ok but have a lot of other personal stuff going on. If she wants to hold me responsible for the sins of my child then she can own that.

I want to say, I absolutely agree that you did the right thing and were incredibly responsive when the situation was brought to your attention. I would have reacted the same way that you did, should my child have been the one that was accused of bullying.

However, as I read through this response, you seem very bothered by the other mother's shunning of you/your supportiveness. Understandable, but how is her treatment of you any different than how your child treated her child? So, maybe what you're feeling is the same thing she is feeling by proxy to her child's experience. See what I mean?

You say normally it wouldn't bother you this much but other things are influencing your reaction to this situation. Consider that maybe this mom has other things going on, too.

Just a different perspective to consider.

BTW - in my situation that I mentioned, of the two kids who were bullying my son, I am still friendly with one of the parents and her child/my son have mended their friendship. It took us a while to get there, though. Be patient with this mom.

butterflymom1 · Aug 26, 2011

FaithPrevails · Aug 27, 2011

butterflymom1 said:
This is a very wise reply and yes, I'm bothered by her reaction because I want to help the situation (were there still one) and to do that I need to be aware of what is going on. I do care about her child too and if she'd communicate I can do more to help. I believe it's been nipped in the bud though. The only reason I made a point of smiling at her was to say, "You can talk to me if you need to". It was for her, not me because I'd otherwise be quite happy to just pass her by in the same way I do many other parents I don't know.
I don't get bothered by her shunning me in itself. Yes, her child felt shunned but if her child hadn't been shunning another child to start with he wouldn't have been left out himself either. This is how they learn I suppose.
In general the reactions of other people don't bother me as usually their reactions aren't even about me but reflect their own issues or interpretations.
I will be patient with the other mom. She needs to handle it as she is equipped to and maybe I'm expecting too much of her. Through work and training I have had a lot of time to think about perspectives on such situations which might be less familiar territory to others.
At this stage all I can do is assume all is well again. This is certainly the easier road anyway so I'm glad to let it go.
I'm glad your own situation is happier now. A year is a long time to be dealing with a problem like that which breaks your heart as a mother.

If you work in mediation, then you know that no matter how logical/rational a solution may seem, there will always be someone who staunchly refuses to see the good in it, right?

I agree that you did the best you can do and now the onus is on the other mom to let it go.

butterflymom1 · Aug 27, 2011

ex-pat · Aug 28, 2011

I was just wondering if the child's mother was aware that you had had your son apologize? He may not have told her, and thus she may be thinking that you did nothing. Especially if (as children do) the other child asked your son if he "got in trouble". Your son, not defining "trouble" as being talked to by a parent, may have said no, in which case the other child may feel resentful and have told his mother "He didn't get in trouble" rather than "His mom set him straight and made him apologize." Perhaps that was the reason for the glare. Perhaps a note of assurance that you've handled the matter, made your son apologize, and that she can call you if there is a further problem might be the thing this mother needs to hear.

AllieBaba2012 · Aug 28, 2011

EmilyF said:
I don't think that it's just that easy for this other mom. I would be very angry with your son and with you.

The fact is, that you haven't resolved this with the mother. Smiling across the parking lot os not a resolution and she may have felt like you were minimizing what happened.

I'd talk to her. Do NOT make excuses. Don't tell her that you didn't raise him that way or anything like that. Tell her that you're talking to him about it and that you're doing what you can to assure that it doesn't happen again.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're still treated a little icily and I'm not sure that there's room to feel like it's not fair to have been treated this way. Imagine how she must feel. She sent her kid to a place that's supposed to be safe and your kid picked on her and shoved him.

That's not the way I see it.

If a child is avoiding another child, and that child keeps pursuing him...when does the child that's being pursued get to claim his own space?

At any rate, these are 7 year old kids. I don't know why any parent would ever be angry with a parent over what 7 year old babies do.

My 8 y.o. daughter was un-invited to a birthday party because the little girl (age 6) who had invited her had hurt feelings because she wasn't a part of the 8 y.o. clique at school. My daughter had her feelings hurt at that age because she also wanted to play with the big girls, but 8 y.o. girls aren't really that keen to play with 6 y.o. girls, and 6 y.o. girls aren't equipped for it. But this girl's mother, who should have known better, came to my house at night to un-invite my daughter based upon the fact that her daughter was upset over it.

It's ridiculous. Children aren't responsible for the hurt feelings of other children. And sometimes mean kids get pushed. It's a shame there's no common sense in our schools, or aparently in the families of the kids who attend school.

butterflymom1 · Aug 29, 2011

illudium_phosdex · Aug 29, 2011

I agree with Alliebaba.

I've even told my kids that if there is a child that they don't want to play with, to just avoid them which is what it looks like your son did. It's unfortunate that the first child wouldn't take the hint and it escalated to the point that your son pushed him. I think you were right in making your son apologize to the first child for the pushing but the first child owes your son an apology too for being annoying when your son made it obvious that he did not want to play with him. At this point, I'm sure that's not going to happen and if that mother wants to be like that, I'd say stuff her. Some people are worth your time and energy. Most aren't.

I've even had to deal with a case where it was my kid that another kid didn't want to play with. During the summer, I baby sit the next door neighbor's child while his parents work. My son is awful about wanting to run right over there and continue playing once T's step-mom gets home. At first I just let him go but then T's step-mom came over and told me that T wants a break from J in the evenings since he's been over here all day. I totally get this. So I told my son that he needs to hang out here once T goes home to give T some time to spend with his family. My son has gotten bent a few times but he needs to get that he needs to give T some space. There is another boy in the neighborhood and there have been occasions when T and M want to do something without J. That's fine. I've told J he needs to wait until they want to include him again but that trying to barge in on their space is only going to cause a fight.

Sometimes J and T want to play without M or J and M want to play without T. I've told them the same thing and I've had conversations with both sets of parents and they agree that none of them should be forced to play when they don't want to. Even when I'm babysitting T, there've been times when T's told me that he doesn't feel like playing with J at that time. If they're both playing LEGOs, I'll tell T that I can't stop J from playing LEGOs but that he doesn't have to play LEGOs *with* J. Are there hurt feelings on occasion? Sure. But that's just part of life.

FaithPrevails · Aug 29, 2011

I agree with your post 100%, atlas. I didn't get the vibe from the OP that the dynamic you described was the dynamic involved in her situation, though.

I know the situation *my* son went through was different than that - as I have given him the same advice you outlined in other situations. Our situation was a very clear case of intentional exclusion - trying to rally other children to join in excluding my son, etc. Which is what it sounded like was happening in the OP - that her son was doing it to this child in some sort of protective retaliation for what this boy did to her son's friend. I could be wrong.

illudium_phosdex · Aug 29, 2011

Yeah, if it's the case of purposeful exclusion, that's not ok. It's one thing to not want to play with someone but then to try and get other kids on your side to not play as well... that's just not ok. The other kids need to be able make up their own minds about it.

AllieBaba2012 · Aug 29, 2011

butterflymom1 said:
The mother was present when my son apologized so she does know.

Alliebaba - I did wonder that about children being able to choose their own space. We give that right to adults. The fact is that my son was caught in the middle between two friends with the child that cried bully wanting to do to another child what they were complaining about. My son just needed someone to teach him how to handle this situation. He has been given the words for this now. But I did tell him that shoving is never acceptable. I really do think other parents can be very silly - as in your example. For another mother to be angry at me because our kids had a short-lived issue is completely misplaced and immature. As I said earlier, it will blow over when someone else has incident with someone else's child. Elementary school politics - not getting caught up in that. lol

And here's teh kicker..the other mom in my case was the child welfare supervisor in the office I work at...

I of course spoke to my daughter severely, she went to bed crying that night (and that is unusual for her) because she does need to be considerate of the feelings of other people, regardless of the situation. Sometimes that means you leave your friends and go play with the little girl who is bugging you (mixed classrooms...grades 1-3 in the same room, that's how this starts). But I was, and am, miffed that this professional woman, who mediates for dysfunctional families ALL THE TIME, thought it was appropriate to un-invite my daughter from a party based upon the fact that her daughter was going through exactly what every little girl and boy in that school has to go through...rejection by older classmates.

And it isn't like the little girl didn't have girls her own age to play with. She has lovely little classmates (she's in my son's class). But she wanted to play with the OLDER girls, and when she plays, she likes to be boss. The big girls overwhelmed her, she wasn't ready for it, and she couldn't handle the little games they play.

Her mother should have (as I did, with both of my kids when this happened) explained to her that it's hard, but that older kids at this stage are NOT going to accomodate your wishes, and in the meantime, you have these wonderful classmates who love you and want to play with you.

It was actually much harder for my boy. He doesn't have any boys in his class except for a diminished capacity boy, and 4 girls. there are no boys in the next grade up, either. So when he wanted to play with boys, as a first grader, he was approaching 3rd (there was only one) and 4th grade boys...and they absolutely werne't interested in playing his sort of games. And THEY just told him "Get away and leave me alone"! Lol.. I didn't run their parents down and remove them from my social circle. I told my boy that bigger boys were going to do that, and he could either brave it and persist (cuz they really do like him, he just wears on them) or he would have to be content with his own class.

So anyway, I'm moving to a different area, with a bigger school. At least they'll have playmates their own age!

butterflymom1 · Aug 29, 2011

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