do people with aspergers have trouble with love?

paul becke · Apr 11, 2011

The lad sounds immature to me, and is likely to have been spoiled rotten by his parents. if I were a girl, I might relish his company, but commitment? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Terrifying.

ToHoldNothing · Apr 11, 2011

A lot of relationships involve communication.My gf may be an Aspie, but I'm not sure. It would require testing and such which she, as far as I know, cannot afford at the moment. But our love is a connection that didn't care whether we were both NT, both Aspies or an Aspie and NT respectively. It's admittedly alogical in that sense, but I can't outright deny my feelings.

Sabertooth · Apr 11, 2011

ToHoldNothing said:
When you start personifying concepts, you start going to excess, seems to me...

That is because you are on the outside looking in. I am paraphrasing the Bible here in ways that I have also experienced. If your god fits in the box you keep [him?] in, then [he?] is too small.

Stop trying to reduce my God. He doesn't reduce.

God said, "You shall have no other gods before me," (Exo. 20:3).

That includes the exaltation of Buddha's and your own intellect. That schtick doesn't play in the Kingdom of God.

ECC 1:12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
ECC 1:15 What is twisted cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.
ECC 1:16 I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.
ECC 1:18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
...
ECC 12:13 Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
ECC 12:14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

ToHoldNothing · Apr 11, 2011

That is because you are on the outside looking in. I am paraphrasing the Bible here in ways that I have also experienced. If your god fits in the box you keep [him?] in, then [he?] is too small.

Who says I have any god? And paraphrasing always leads to potential misunderstandings. Why not be clearer in expressing what you think love consists in?

Stop trying to reduce my God. He doesn't reduce.

He doesn't reduce in nature, but by all means he can reduce populations, is that it?

God said, "You shall have no other gods before me," (Exo. 20:3).

That includes the exaltation of Buddha's and your own intellect. That schtick doesn't play in the Kingdom of God.

I do neither of these. I respect Siddhartha Gautama Buddha in the same way as Jesus and Laozi among others. I don't think they are the end standard, which transcends them but has no explicit name or personality. You can bring up all your authority from your scripture, but it doesn't play in reality where evidence trumps feelings. I have no reason to worship my intellect, when I am well aware of its limitations, similar to how Siddhartha, Jesus and Laozi are all limited in their own ways as well.

fairygailie · Apr 12, 2011

ToHoldNothing said:
Not every Aspie is necessarily introverted completely, but they are more self focused, which could manifest in either generally egocentric behavior or simply being more withdrawn, like myself. From what your describing, it does seem like a case, but the severity is uncertain.

You can be sexually active and responsible, though I wonder if this kid is an Aspie about the routine of putting on a condom and using protection, lol?

i told him to, but i'm not sure he does. hey... none of my business anyways. lol

the part i like about him is he's soooo adorable. he's got this charming carefree attitude about him that sucks you in.

what i don't like is, as i've said, his lack of morales, lack of boundaries, disrespect for people/property. even in that area of his life though, he doesn't do it viciously. he finds it funny. lol

no matter what the kid does, it's hard not to like him. kinda weird. i'm just thankful he's a part-time friend of mine and my sons and not in my life 24/7. lol

ToHoldNothing · Apr 13, 2011

The real issue would just be that he doesn't necessarily see that what he's doing is bothering people or poses a risk to himself and others. Being carefree can be an advantage at times, but at other times, it can be a defect of sorts.

fairygailie · Apr 14, 2011

thanks, ToHoldNothing. yea, he doesn't seem to realize that things he does can get him into trouble.

last november, his gf was letting him drive her car (with her in it) and he was driving into mailboxes at the end of each driveway and i think he knocked down a few. the cops put him in jail for a few days. he went to court and he can't drive until he's 21. but.... he STILL drives his gf's car. she's in love w/him and let him do just about anything he wants.

other things he does too... he just doesn't realize the consequences and laughs it off. it's a real defect for him, that's for sure. i just hope he doesn't get into serious trouble, but i think until he does, he's gonna act like a little kid who thinks they can do anything and get away with it.

he's not a bad guy, not at all.... it's weird. it's just that he does things for fun and really doesn't comprehend that an 18 yr old shouldn't act like that.

ToHoldNothing · Apr 14, 2011

It may be a misguided attempt to fit in more than potentially not realizing that it's wrong, though it may be a combination in part. On one level, he wants to have friends and feel loved, but in not understanding that love can involve sacrifice, he thinks he is still doing the right thing in being social and learning to socialize better even to the detriment of general moral scruples and discernment.

schrodingers_cat_lives · Apr 15, 2011

fairygailie said:
i guess this is the wrong place to come for info. 55 views and not one comment. oh well........ i tried.

How old is he? He sounds young. If he is young in age or maturity level...then that behavior sounds quite generic.

I'm an NT, so i don't know half of what i'm talking about when it comes to aspy world...still new to it all. but...correct me if i'm wrong folks but arent' some of his personality traits described uncommon for an aspy or socially speaking what aspies find challenging? charismatic, outgoing, people person etc?

fairygailie · Apr 15, 2011

he's 18. and maybe that's true that his actions are attempts to fit in. he's moved alot in his life and has had a history of having to leave friends to make new ones.

he's a real character.. very flamboyant (if i haven't said that before).

i heard he got another job at a pizza place and i hope it works out for him.

Feileacan · Apr 15, 2011

In answer to the first question, I'm not sure I have trouble with love. I love my fiance to pieces. I just have trouble maintaining relationships because a lot of the time I'd rather be on my own, doing my own thing. But I do like his company and we do lots of things together, it's just after a while, I get frustrated and just want my own space.
So, I think anyone is capable of loving someone, whether they're an aspie or not, but maintaining a relationship so that both parties is content can be difficult (in my experience anyway, not to say that is the same for everyone).

Maybe he will calm down in the future once he gets settled in his life. Some people just take longer to mature than others. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist.

fairygailie · Apr 16, 2011

thanks, feileacan. that's so true, that even normal relationships have to be worked at to be maintained. no one is normal, really. we all carry years of baggage with us into the relationship.

fairygailie · Apr 18, 2011

spent some time with my friend today. from what i can tell, he acts upon his impulses, whether right or wrong. i think that's where his problems lie. he's a smart guy, but when he does something wrong, he just laughs it off, or doesn't see it as wrong.

i like him alot and i'm hoping we can be good friends for a while so i can help him in areas he might need help in (if he wants help, that is).

PsychoticPoet · Apr 23, 2011

True romance is nothing but a faiy tale to me doesn't exist in my own little world of oddness

Autocannibal · May 9, 2011

Do Aspies have trouble with love?

Depending on your definition of love, the answer is either "obviously" or "no".

If your definition of love is based on your ability to communicate warm feelings or sway the other person to feel good, absolutely. This is one of the most salient features of Asperger's - understanding and influencing people is tough.

Love from a more biblical perspective is certainly tough for people with Asperger's, but no more difficult than it is for NTs. It is certainly possible for someone with Asperger's to learn to see others the way God does.

TalusJumper · May 11, 2011

fairygailie said:
is there a reason people with aspergers have difficulty committing to one person?

being good looking, extremely outgoing, and always happy has alot of girls liking him (i would imagine) and i'm wondering if he craves all that attention, which he would lose should he commit to one person.

fairygailie said:
i guess this is the wrong place to come for info. 55 views and not one comment. oh well........ i tried.

Maybe the reason it took a while for someone to respond to this is many of us don't relate. I am about as outgoing as a rock (I believe which is pretty common with aspies)!

Autocannibal · May 13, 2011

OP: "is there a reason people with aspergers have difficulty committing to one person?

being good looking, extremely outgoing, and always happy has alot of girls liking him (i would imagine) and i'm wondering if he craves all that attention, which he would lose should he commit to one person."

I don't think commitment problems are characteristic of Asperger's. Most I know are quite loyal.

But people vary a lot, and that includes people with Asperger's.

do people with aspergers have trouble with love?

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