Divorce and intimacy

young@heart · Dec 12, 2012

Hi everyone

I am divorced 2 months but hubby and myself have recently managed to start reconciliation.

Are we still married biblically in a physical sense? Would reconnecting physically be committing fornication or does God still see us as married?

dayhiker · Dec 12, 2012

My view is that if your divorced your divorced. There are a number of things to think about before having sex again in my mind. The problems that caused the divorce? Are they being dealt with? If not then realize your feeling close because time has given the pain of those problems time to subside. Sex is make it even hard to deal with the problems. So get the problems dealt with 1st.

Personally, the sex isn't a big deal. The big deal is getting a foundation built that will least this time and not repeat the same patterns you had in the relationship in the past. Its so much easier to relive the old patterns. Those have to be changed now as you move closer. The 1st time and every time the old pattern comes back, you both have to be willing stop and figure how what is the new healthy way to respond to each other.

Tropical Wilds · Dec 23, 2012

young@heart said:
Hi everyone

I am divorced 2 months but hubby and myself have recently managed to start reconciliation.

Are we still married biblically in a physical sense? Would reconnecting physically be committing fornication or does God still see us as married?

You said before you were going to wait until you were remarried to him before resuming your physical relationship... What's changed?

young@heart · Dec 23, 2012

I plan to but it's not that easy when we are together that's why I wondered whether it would be classed as wrong.

Tropical Wilds · Dec 23, 2012

young@heart said:
I plan to but it's not that easy when we are together that's why I wondered whether it would be classed as wrong.

The fact that it's a means to manipulate you emotionally and not a desire to express any sort of love means, inherently, that it is wrong.

You guys are divorced. There is no vow or covenant there. He can, and most likely will, up and leave as he did before, freely and without any sort of difficulty, strings, or consequence. There is nothing that ties you two together at all.

young@heart · Dec 23, 2012

Really I know it happened I was just seeking to see if spiritually I still have a responsibility which it seems I don't so whether I try or not I am not bound to it. I didn't want to walk away from something that could still be held by God as a spiritual covenant.

I know I am no longer married etc and I have built a new life but I still miss him & if we can make it work then I would try. Time will tell I'm in no rush

Tropical Wilds · Dec 23, 2012

It just seems like you're spending far more time and effort trying to prove that there still is something then accepting the new reality of the situation. Looking for spiritual justification to hang onto a ghost of an idea of what was.

LinkH · Dec 23, 2012

Tropical Wilds said:
It just seems like you're spending far more time and effort trying to prove that there still is something then accepting the new reality of the situation. Looking for spiritual justification to hang onto a ghost of an idea of what was.

If the lady wants to reconcile with her ex, more power to her? Why try to talk her out of something like that?

LinkH · Dec 23, 2012

young@heart said:
Hi everyone

I am divorced 2 months but hubby and myself have recently managed to start reconciliation.

Are we still married biblically in a physical sense? Would reconnecting physically be committing fornication or does God still see us as married?

Normally I am against pre-marital sex. I don't have a definite answer on this one.

I do have one question for you. How much is a marriage license in your state? If it's expensive, how far are you from Vegas?

Tropical Wilds · Dec 23, 2012

LinkH said:
If the lady wants to reconcile with her ex, more power to her? Why try to talk her out of something like that?

To prevent the same heartbreak she just dealt with all over again, since the guy's commitment to the process has been less than 100%. It's been less than 50%.

I'm under no illusions she's running towards that burning building all over again, but I'm hoping that maybe somebody will maybe plant that seed of "think it over" in her mind.

young@heart · Dec 24, 2012

I am not so head over heels that I'm not thinking what I'm doing believe me I've been there done that got the t-shirt. If hubby agrees to counselling that's what we'll do and go from there but right now we are still both taking time to think. No strings for going to counselling etc it might just help us heal and learn from our mistakes or it might help us get over what's happened and start again. we'll see. thanks for the advice

dayhiker · Dec 26, 2012

Agree, no harm in getting counseling and a good counselor should help you two a lot. That's not to say you will be then ready to get remarried.

Divorce Care had a good chapter on reconciliation. They don't define it as getting remarried. The 1st level was a reconciliation that just asked forgiveness for the pain each caused. Second, you might just be friends when your reconciled. There were like 3 levels of friendship that they described: acquaintances, close friends and intimate friends. Last reconciliation could lead to remarriage.

I'm using this model with my last GF of 4.5 yrs. I'm hoping we can be close friends, I think we are almost there.

young@heart · Dec 27, 2012

dayhiker said:
Agree, no harm in getting counseling and a good counselor should help you two a lot. That's not to say you will be then ready to get remarried.

Divorce Care had a good chapter on reconciliation. They don't define it as getting remarried. The 1st level was a reconciliation that just asked forgiveness for the pain each caused. Second, you might just be friends when your reconciled. There were like 3 levels of friendship that they described: acquaintances, close friends and intimate friends. Last reconciliation could lead to remarriage.

I'm using this model with my last GF of 4.5 yrs. I'm hoping we can be close friends, I think we are almost there.

Thanks for this it's good advice it's good that reconciliation can mean just friendship takes the pressure off! Right now we are getting on well talking regularly & spending time together which is much more than recent months. Friendship & peace is definitely better than nothing. The rest is up to God!

dayhiker · Dec 27, 2012

Young, that sounds really good. Its generally not made sense to me for a couple that has separated to go right back to married status. I like the idea of going back to courtship/dating with all its talking about life and hopes and taking time to enjoy the flirting and just the desire to be close. Its good to make sure the foundation of the relationship is sure.

young@heart · Dec 27, 2012

dayhiker said:
Young, that sounds really good. Its generally not made sense to me for a couple that has separated to go right back to married status. I like the idea of going back to courtship/dating with all its talking about life and hopes and taking time to enjoy the flirting and just the desire to be close. Its good to make sure the foundation of the relationship is sure.

Oh yes there is definitely no rush to get married again too quickly. We have both realised what went wrong so that's a start even tho its painful to hear and talk about.

dayhiker · Dec 27, 2012

Its great to hear a story of a couple who is learning together from their mistakes.

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