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Depressed?

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ChosenExile

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As i right this, im covered with doubt. I dont know why im depressed. I am , i guess its partly because im so worried about what i am meant to do. I often never sleep for a few days. Just to feel what its like, in that time, my mind feels free. I studied, when you go to sleep at ten every day for a week during that time ur mind is at ease, and yet suspended. When you go to sleep around 1 or 2 o clock every night for a week, your body is tired yet your mind is free. The lord pursues me by putting me through pains. Pains that shouldnt feel as they should. I've come to dobut love and god himself. i start to laugh at "saved" individuals. God wont save me. He fuels my drop, that ends up being a endless abyss. And i laugh at your "blessings". You use them as currency!! If you come here and post,. i will pray for your soul, and that the devil be evicted from your heart. I will laugh true my soul is smashed under a rock. But it is not true that i am controlled by the devil! I do pray. I pray for others never me. I never pray for healing or forgiveness. I deserve none. I am not worthy to serve the almighty, somone make me understand how could one so wretched as me be worthy enough, good enough to serve him. I take my pain and all my suffering and i put it upon my back and i carry it daily! I have had thoughts of suicide. And suicide seems foolish. instead. i plan for war. to be scorched in its flames to kill or be killed. is what i yearn for. Now you think i will stay here in my depression since you think i chose to be like this. I had a dream. I was in the dark, was down on all fours. i could not get up, i could not do anything to move. i coughed up black worms. and i began to feel them inside of my stomach. Then i began to suffocate. Somone was laughing at me. then a whole crowd was. and i was naked. then the lord came upon me his light wrapped around him as well as his clothes. i began to cry. i did not feel embarassed. i felt ashamed that i could not stand up to run away from him, that i could not escape him. And he bent down on his knee, and looked at me and i knew he meant. "Why do you suffer alone, instead of suffer with me?". then i woke up my stomach in a clench as a giant would clench my stomach. I am not a man. I am a insignificant one of millions. why dosent god pick on somone else? i sway alone in the sanguine of midnight. no wind. Nothing. Alone.
 
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Everlasting33

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ChosenExile,

Reading your post, I can tell you are truly suffering and your doubts must feel very overwhelming and painful. I know how distressing depression can be and sometimes our thoughts during our depressed state can stem from fear, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Are you on medication? Are you in therapy?

Do not give up fighting! If you ever need to PM me, please feel free.
 
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ChosenExile

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i am not suprised you assume i feel hopeless and helpless. I am not either. I have given up a long time ago. and my depression will leave me when it chooses.
at this point i dont care if i can over come it. i have forgotten what hapiness is. Now, you think that impossible. yet it is truth. it has become the mask that will never leave me. It does not matter if i can over come it or not. It has given me a sense of not caring, if somone cusses me out. i say go away and then i seep into their mind and play mind games with them. I have become that person. I will choose all flaws in a person and exploit them horribly. I care not if they are hurt. I have become un-hurtable. The only thing that can hurt me is my depression.
 
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Everlasting33

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My heart goes out to you...I do not speak to you out of ignorance but out of empathy and care. I struggled with severe depression most of my life and I soon learned to not care about depression...for I simply thought it was a character flaw, not an illness.

I realize there is not much else to say to you at this point. I also realize that you may not even care that I do care about your pain...but just know that I do.

I am truly sorry for the pain that you have been experiencing and please, please know that you have great potential for much peace, joy, happiness, and love.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.
 
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ChosenExile

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Just because no one can get to me with bad intent does not mean somone with care and love wont. I consider my depression a cancer. That might kill me some day. I thank you steeler, for you caring for somone who is so distant, a stranger. Tell me, how do you come conclude that i have potential? For all these things, that seem alien. And please give your prayers to somone who needs them more than i do, i appreciate them, yet there are so many more people who suffer physically and mentally way more than I. And the ones who cant have clean water to at least have.
 
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Everlasting33

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Potential: "the capability or the possibility"

Any individual has the potential for good things. If one has the potential for much sorrow and destruction, then one must have the potential for happiness and building.

Do you not have potential for greatness? You have the capability to smile, laugh, build, dream and hope.

It may be difficult to reason through your depression. I realize that if you have had depression for a long time, it would be understandable that you view it as a cancer. If you have had it for a long time, surely you may feel that it will never leave you.

Do you feel this way?

I do care for you because I have been in the depths of darkness with depression for too long. I will pray for you and there is nothing you can about it!
 
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ChosenExile

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Potential is defined by the possibility and probability. However potential energy isnt kinetic energy. I will be in my depression until i submit myself to the lord. I have found myself unworthy to be a servant for the lord. So i will suffer. It ends up my cancer is a choice. I have come not to fear death. People laugh and say everyone fears death. Death to me ends as a new experience it means i get to find out whats on the other end. And perhaps the experience to stand before god. And if that happens soon. I will say this and only this "All i have done is the result of myself. I took all you put me through then. I will take all you will put me through now, lord. Even if that means hell." Weather or not if my depression is chosen or just here. I dont know.
 
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Everlasting33

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Well, of course it is your choice on whether or not you will succumb to depression. I considered myself dead for many years and I certainly wished death upon myself. Depression was just a sinkhole within my soul and I did not care for life or death...just peace.

Although, I believe you have great potential for good things and happiness. Left untreated, depression is certainly capable of destroying a person but I know there is still fight left within you.

By the way, how old are you?
 
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ChosenExile

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It is not the question of will i succumb to it. It is the question what now? And i feel it within illusion that i have small fight in me. I have succumbed to it steeler. My fight is gone. You have fought it for awhile? I fight it no more. After two years of it. It is to great. And i will not take treatment. I choose to be destroyed if it comes to it. And why would my age matter? I want destruction. I dream of a time when i would be shot in the chest, to bleed out slowly, and feel the blue sky above. Or to be impaled and slowly but surely die.
 
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Everlasting33

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Well,I was referring to succumbing to it in death. Yes, I have fought it for a long time (since I was a young girl) and sure..it is tiring, frustrating, and painful. But I am very thankful that I fought simply because I never thought I would feel happiness or peace...I truly thought I was the one born to be depressed and that I would die depressed. Depression really can change one's thoughts and attitudes about the world and of the individual.


May I ask you why you refuse treatment?

I asked you your age simply to give me an idea on how long you have been struggling with depression. Of course, you do not have to tell me ...I was just curious (as always).
 
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ChosenExile

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I refuse treatment because i dont need psychotic drugs. I dont need therapists breaking down my psychey! I don't need people who dont know me to think they know me. If i wanted death simply give into hate and evil. For then i am truly dead. For then god would have a true reason to smite me and throw me into hell.
 
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Everlasting33

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ChosenExile said:
I refuse treatment because i dont need psychotic drugs. I dont need therapists breaking down my psychey! I don't need people who dont know me to think they know me. If i wanted death simply give into hate and evil. For then i am truly dead.
Click to expand...

I can see your point. I never really enjoyed going to counselors and I sorta felt the same way you did. Sometimes, though it did help me to release the feelings and emotions that I had built up inside. Does it ever help to talk about your feelings or thoughts? Do you think that any of your depression may be related to any chemical imbalances? Or, do you just view your depression as a character flaw?
 
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BigToe

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I don't sleep either. I think I'm almost afraid to sleep. It would be weird to sleep. I've grown accustomed to how I feel not sleeping, it's what is comfortable.

When you say you're worried about what you're meant to do, what do you mean? Do you mean like a long term career goal or something else?
 
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