Define a "break"

AnaSnow · May 23, 2006

My boyfriend and I just decided to take a "break." I understand that a break is not meant to be permanent, but at what point does it stop being a "break?"

faerieevaH · May 23, 2006

a break unfortunately quite often is a way for a couple to actually 'break up' without having to say 'it's over'. It's often used as a way to 'fase out' of the relationship without big scenes. Exceptions of course are when there is a real reason like being away for half a year, or focussing on studying instead of dating and there is clearly no intention of dating anyone else.

JesusWasn'tWhite · May 23, 2006

If indeed this is only a temporary break, set some clear guidelines and purposes for the break so that no one is confused. Like, the purpose is .. to get one's life in order, and some guidlines.. not dating anyone else, keeping other romantic interests away, keep communicating openly, and spending some (but not too much) time together..

If anyone watches Friends, I am reminded of the episode where Rachel and Ross go on a break, and in his confusion about where it was a break up or not, Ross goes out, gets drunk, and sleeps with Chloe from the copy place.

^ Bad things happen when you don't define a "break"

AnaSnow · May 23, 2006

Well, how do we hang out or talk without it being awkward? Sadly, I am often an all or nothing type of person. I don't know how to talk to him without the mushy stuff that I'm so used to.

Inperfected · May 23, 2006

How long have you been together... After a yearmy ex decide it was over... I tried to get a break. I suceeded. But you know what? It just confused us both more... What is a break after all.

Communication fails, the one who doesn't want it gets hurt, wedge comes between you both, you get frustrated and angry with each other. Unless there is communication, there is no relationship.

I suggest you ask him to make it clearer as to what he wants. And remember though it's REALLY hard right now, it truthfully does get easier... Exactly today 3 years ago I began going out with that ex... Now he's best man at his best mates and my wedding. Things change as we get older, and just focus on God and trying to slowly not hurt yourself more than needed in the process.

f U z ! o N · May 23, 2006

what made you 2 go on a break?

Carri20 · May 23, 2006

Yikes.. Taking a break usually <i>is</i> just a nice way of saying it's over. Depending on the reason, maybe you're better off that way.

AnaSnow · May 24, 2006

Well, to be perfectly honest, I brought up the idea at first. I am going through a difficult time right now and he just doesn't have much time to give me. It is for understandable reasons as he goes to school and works, but I tend to be emotionally dependent. I told him I thought we should take some time so that I could stop getting frustrated with each other on how little time there is. At first, he was really against the idea and we were just going to push through the distance, but then he changed his mind. He is fasting as of a few days ago and he said it would be best to take a break now because he is trying to focus more on God. I more than understand, but for selfish reasons am upset, especially with myself for bringing up the idea. He e-mailed me last night and continues to make this "break" seem temporary. We had plans for tomorrow, which he still wanted to follow through on, but I wrote back telling him that I don't think it's a good idea. It's hard for me to be open and communicate with him the way I had been. I don't open up to many people and I guess I'm afraid of letting him in more than I have because I don't want to regret it if this is a permanent split.

Lee Fey · May 25, 2006

"Breaks" should never be one-sided. That's for sure. Paul talks about how it should be mutual, and how it should be set, defined, and temporary, for the sake of growing closer to the Lord. But, he also says that it shouldn't be for long, so that the temptation does not grow. Honestly, Paul was a little cynical when it came to relationships, but his words were included in His Word for a reason.

The next time the two of you go on break, it should definitely be something you both want, and something you both agree will end after a specific amount of time. But when that time comes around, you should definitely consider it a growing experiance, and not as a hint to stay away from your boyfriend, just something that in turn, as you grow closer to Him, should allow you to grow closer to him.

Selah · May 26, 2006

I'm on one of these "breaks" and it's not something that I totally understood or agreed to for selfish reasons. It's was for him to be closer to God because we were spending so much time together, and most likely in his case, he was spending more time with me than he was with God. With him trying to be closer to God, who am I to come in between that? It just makes me wish I would have never said yes to being with him in the first place, considering the long distance, and considering that I haven't seen him in a year. Lately, in the past few weeks, the phone calls have stopped, and I have just wanted to just throw in the towel regarding the whole thing. I've even asked God to show me that I was wrong all along (yes, one of those manipulative prayers) just so I can find a way out. I've been trying to find all kinds of reasons to break this off. But there's always conviction along with it. I feel that God keeps telling me to stay, and stick it out, but it's very hard. I feel like I've been demoted, & I'm not important to him anymore. I've been angry, sad, this, and that, but I know that all of this will work out for the good, either way it goes. I'm glad I've read this post, so that I could see the right way to have a break.

AnaSnow · May 26, 2006

I think the hardest thing about it was feeling like a distraction. It felt like he was telling me he was unable to be close to God if he was with me. Next week will make it 9 months that we've been together and it hurt being so close to another anniverssary and not being with him. We are no longer on a break, but I'm not sure if he is just doing me a favor. I called him and told him that I didn't really want to be on a break. I feel a bit weak for caving in first. He seemed rather ok not talking to me. For this, and many other irrelevant reasons, I haven't been able to let him back in emotionaly. I think I'm upset that he seemed so fine without me, while I was so sad. I think I'm frustrated with feeling like a distraction and I'm worried that he may be changing and drifting away from me.

Angeldove97 · May 26, 2006

Alot of people offered good advice so I'll just post my personal story. I decided to take a break with my now ex-boyfriend (not to scare you) back in early January. We set guidelines... we could see other people, we'd still go on dates together, we'd still stay in touch, etc. It was a time for me to reflect in my heart and pray abou the relationship. We ended up getting back together after a month and we dated for a few more months until I decided to call it quits because I just didn't feel we bonded well. Hopefully this won't be the case with you and your guy and wish you two the best!

Lee Fey · May 26, 2006

I'm sure he felt horrible about the whole thing, and had little comfort in the thought that he was giving up his time with you for Him. The whole point to fasting is to give up something good, something that's good for you, generally, for Him, to spend time with Him with no other things taking your attention. The more the hunger pains, the more you're supposed to focus on Him to pull you through it all.

I'm also sure he, your boyfriend, acted prematurely. Again, "breaks" are supposed to be temporary, and very, very mutual. It just doesn't work out if it's not. They're not meant to put the relationship in danger, nor are they supposed to be signs of a drifting relatee. No, it's meant as a mutual agreement that the pain of not having each other will help you both to focus more on Him than your own pain, or on each other for that matter.

You can absolutely share beautiful fellowship time with God with others, with spouses, or in this case, boy/girlfriends. But there's something to be said when it's just you and God, too. Something special that should be reached for every now and again.

Selah · May 27, 2006

Thanks for clearing that up , because I was feeling the same way as Angeldove. She actually put words to how I was feeling. At least it gives me a different perspective of how to look/deal with it all.

Mskedi · May 27, 2006

Breaks are things I just don't understand. If my bf can't hang out or call for a few days because he's working on music, or if I can't hang out or call for a few days because I'm bogged down with work... then we're busy, sure, but our relationship isn't on "hold." If in that time I needed him, I could call and he wouldn't be annoyed and vice versa.

Taking a break from the relationship itself means, in my mind, that there's something wrong with the relationship. Wanting some time to onesself (for God, for work, for creativity, whatver...) is just a human need that some people have stronger than others do.

Lee Fey · May 31, 2006

Mskedi said:
Taking a break from the relationship itself means, in my mind, that there's something wrong with the relationship. Wanting some time to onesself (for God, for work, for creativity, whatver...) is just a human need that some people have stronger than others do.

Paul talks about taking breaks, between married people. I can't see how, in the confines of that Biblical definition, that could mean there's anything wrong with the relationship. In fact, I see it as both members are mature enough to understand that they're not about to lose the other, and are willing to let the other focus on God for a time, before they return back to each other. I can actually see this as a sign that the relationship is most mature, and deeply secure in itself, when it follows these strictures.

Oh, and rules or no, these stupid new video things are really slowing down my connection with christianforums. Just thought it was worth mentioning.

AnaSnow · Jun 1, 2006

I'm actually surprised on how many of you replied to this thread. Well, I really appreciate all the insight and I thought you all might like an update. My boyfriend and I are no longer on a break. We have set some limits just to allow each other to better focus on God. In my heart I knew we would come back together, but my own insecurities got the best of me. Again, thanks for the input.

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