Dealing with suicide.

2bituser · Jul 26, 2013

A friend's family member committed suicide the other day.

If you've been in a situation like that, please share what you did about it or advise on how one should go about treating said friend.

TwistTim · Jul 27, 2013

You don't say any magic words, words fail at a time like this, you are just there, as though it was any other kind of death.

Your friend will have to work though this on his/her own, you need to be there for him/her as you would any other circumstance.

You do not pass judgement right now , either towards your friend or the one who took their life. That will not help your friend at all, and may drive a spike between you two.

miss-a · Jul 27, 2013

I will be praying for you both. Blessing on you for caring enough to stick around in the difficult times.

Mariev · Jul 27, 2013

I am so sorry to hear this has happened. Right now, the best way to be a friend is to listen, to let them cry and say anything they need to say without correcting them, and be there for a ministry of presence. Your friend might need to say some things that aren't Biblically true; but in this moment, your friend is in a very difficult, wounded place, and they just really need to process those thoughts and feelings. Correcting isn't a priority right now; loving is (correcting will come in time, and in growth through this). But I bet you know that already.

As a mental health professional-in-training, I have to ask: is your friend able to seek solid, Christian counseling? Christian counselors are trained to handle these kinds of trauma, from both a clinical and Biblical perspective. It might be really helpful, especially since this is such a traumatic event.

Much love!

Nanopants · Jul 27, 2013

Do not bring up or try to convince them that suicide is a mortal sin, and if asked, "I don't know for a fact" is an honest response. Truth is you may not know for a fact until you try it.
Do not correct them, especially using scripture, even if you want to help.
Do empathize with them if you have gone through it.
Do comfort them if by experience you know you have something helpful to say.
Do keep your mouth shut and listen if you do not have something helpful to say.

prov1810 · Jul 27, 2013

My brother killed himself in 2001. At the time I was so grateful for the support I received. I could see that people sometimes didn't quite know what to say, and that's OK. I could see their care.

Suicide really puts a wound in a family. My mom had a very hard year.

I'm praying for the family.

TwistTim · Jul 27, 2013

Nanopants missed one point...

Do Not pretend to Empathize with them if you have not gone though this.

Crypto · Jul 28, 2013

2bituser said:
A friend's family member committed suicide the other day.

If you've been in a situation like that, please share what you did about it or advise on how one should go about treating said friend.

My PhD student, who was working under my supervision, killed himself last year. Everyone thought it was due to problems related to his work, so I felt really guilty at the time. However, the good thing is that I was one of the last persons that he contacted and he sent me a message trying to make me feel better. I also know that he said to others that he really liked spending time with me. In spite of all of that, the feeling of guilt is the most important feeling under these circumstances. Everyone related to the person who committed suicide will feel guilty. They will wonder "What could I have done to avoid it?", "Did I do something that led him to commit suicide?", "Why did he do it"? So, the most important thing is to make them understand that nobody is to blame for what happened. The mind of the suicidal person is not working properly due to a distorted view of reality (depression). So, problems which would be overcome by a healthy person seem unsurmountable for the depressed individual. Try to dissipate their guilt (only if they tell you that they are feeling guilty) and to make them understand that he was just acting under the effects of depression. Spend time with them.

Second Phoenix · Jul 28, 2013

2bituser said:
A friend's family member committed suicide the other day.

If you've been in a situation like that, please share what you did about it or advise on how one should go about treating said friend.

You can't say anything. When people go through difficulties, especially as tragic as this, don't try to 'comfort' them with words. In all tragedies, the best thing to do is listen. Spend time with them if they want, and be comfortable with silence. What they need to do is process the tragedy and work through their thoughts and feelings with someone comfortable in doing that.

Second Phoenix · Jul 28, 2013

Mariev said:
As a mental health professional-in-training, I have to ask: is your friend able to seek solid, Christian counseling? Christian counselors are trained to handle these kinds of trauma, from both a clinical and Biblical perspective. It might be really helpful, especially since this is such a traumatic event.

Much love!

Not to take the thread off topic, but sense you made a recommendation, I felt the need to respond. There are some Christian counselors that have studied psychology/therapy/counseling from an accredited institution*.

However, having worked in the field of counseling and ministry, I know that there are many who call themselves 'Christian counselors' that have no serious training and education - and these in fact, talk about counseling from a 'biblical perspective'. They claim to have doctorates in counseling, but they are from dubious, unaccredited schools. They not only lack the education and training needed to assist people, but they can do tremendous damage.

*Accredited meaning the institution is accredited by an educational organization that is recognized by the country's Department/Ministry of Education. Any religious educational organization is free to teach whatever they want, as long as you have to do serious study. There are some 'colleges/universities' out there that are not accredited and excuse it by saying they want to be free to teach what they want. That is bogus.

Mariev · Jul 28, 2013

Second Phoenix said:
Not to take the thread off topic, but sense you made a recommendation, I felt the need to respond. There are some Christian counselors that have studied psychology/therapy/counseling from an accredited institution*.

However, having worked in the field of counseling and ministry, I know that there are many who call themselves 'Christian counselors' that have no serious training and education - and these in fact, talk about counseling from a 'biblical perspective'. They claim to have doctorates in counseling, but they are from dubious, unaccredited schools. They not only lack the education and training needed to assist people, but they can do tremendous damage.

*Accredited meaning the institution is accredited by an educational organization that is recognized by the country's Department/Ministry of Education. Any religious educational organization is free to teach whatever they want, as long as you have to do serious study. There are some 'colleges/universities' out there that are not accredited and excuse it by saying they want to be free to teach what they want. That is bogus.

Yes, a very good and important distinction to make. Thanks for that. I myself am working towards becoming a LMHC.

All of this is to say, of course, that your friend should feel free to seek counseling from whatever source he or she finds valuable and encouraging. Your friend should not in any way feel that they have to stay with a counselor who does not honor them and is not humble enough to be corrected, and is not wise enough to offer responsible spiritual and clinical help.

Right now, it is, should be, and needs to be all about your friend.

trentlogain2 · Jul 29, 2013

sit in shiva.

Nilla · Aug 2, 2013

2bituser said:
A friend's family member committed suicide the other day.

If you've been in a situation like that, please share what you did about it or advise on how one should go about treating said friend.

I lost my brother in 2004 to suicide. As many others here have pointed out, there's no "right" words to say. What you can do is be there..ask them what you can do to help.

Most imporant though is just to be there.. pray for them.

Zephyrite · Aug 2, 2013

Nanopants said:
Do not bring up or try to convince them that suicide is a mortal sin, and if asked, "I don't know for a fact" is an honest response. Truth is you may not know for a fact until you try it.

Do not correct them, especially using scripture, even if you want to help.

Do empathize with them if you have gone through it.

Do comfort them if by experience you know you have something helpful to say.

Do keep your mouth shut and listen if you do not have something helpful to say.

I concur with this very secular approach.

Fremdin · Aug 2, 2013

My best friend's brother killed himself 3 years ago. I didnt know what to do so I did all I could think of; I stood by her. I didn't do anything, I didn't say anything, I was just there and ready if she needed me. Sometimes that's all you can do, just be there.

Takkles · Aug 4, 2013

I attempted it once and got very close, if my dad didn't find me when he did, I would be dead right now. One thing people need to realize about suicide, is that it's not always selfish despite what others say. Sometimes it's just too much to keep living in whatever state the person is in, and sometimes they do it with everyone's best interest in heart.

No one will ever really know from case to case, but it happens. It's sad, but that's the truth. There's no secret, just move on and try to make the most of it.

Dealing with suicide.

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