Dealing with being looked down on

cruztacean · Jan 6, 2007

In another thread I truthfully stated that my first husband had left me for another woman. Because I already felt I was receiving some condemnation, I refrained from mentioning that this was not my last marriage. Now I will come clean.

Husband number two is deceased. God rest his kind soul--which was, praise God, washed in the Blood.

Husband number three left me for another *man.*

I refuse to believe, as has been said to me, that because I am divorced, God never wants me to love again. But the attitude is not just confined to these forums. The world in general wants to look down on me, and on other women who have been married more than once.

For instance, there was the older lady I admired very much, and half-jestingly said to her, "I want to be just like you when I grow up." She replied to me in all seriousness, "You can never be as good a woman as I am, because I have been married to only one man." Well! Never mind then. I DON'T want to be like you after all, because you are judgmental and self-righteous. (Needless to say, I no longer admire her.)

Then there was the church that denied me transportation. They didn't want to be seen with me, because I was divorced. Used the verse about abstaining from all appearance of evil as an excuse to snub me.

How do our divorced brothers and sisters here, especially those who have been divorced more than once, deal with these judgmental people?

4Christ2 · Jan 6, 2007

I've only been married once and divorced once. It's only been a year, but I'm starting to "sense" and "feel" some of that judgmental attitude towards me - starting with my own family.

Dear Sister, what I do is stay focused on the Lord Jesus. With Him I know there is no condemnation. I stay in the Word of God, pray, and as soon as I sense that I'm being looked down upon - I cast down every wicked imagination that tries to rise above my Lord in the Name of Jesus.

Don't think or dwell on these other "people". Stay focused on the One who truly cares - Jesus.

Love in Christ, your sis 4C

tryingtobeagain · Jan 6, 2007

I am so sorry that you are going through this. God loves you and take comfort in that if nothing else. Can you talk to your pastor about the way the church has been treating you? If you have and things still haven't changed then it may be time to seek out another church. I am feeling a lot of shame for my husbands affairs and I feel the stigma of being a single mother, but my church is quite liberal and welcomes everyone and anyone to seek God. If you ever need to talk of vent feel free to pm me.

brokenman · Jan 6, 2007

I'm not there and I pray that I won't be but it could happen. I think these same things. I am still young, so if I ask out a girl...will I have to say that I have been divorced? The girl will have a hard time measuring up to my current wife anyways but really. I just feel like that is like a giant hideous scar across my face. Luckily God loves us and he is the only judge we have to worry about.

pboop · Jan 6, 2007

My first I was too young...19. It lasted four years and produced a wonderful son, so I never regretted it. I waited 26 years before remarrying only to go through pain, cheating and so much more negative stuff. God knows what I've endured and why. How people treat you because of it says more about them than it does you.

Brotherfromanothermother · Jan 7, 2007

I think much of the judgement I've felt was self inflicted.
I was humiliated by the rejection and the deception that
lasted for so many years. I felt "unfit" for ministry and
like a failure concerning Christ.
The little "church" condemnation I felt went mostly
unnoticed due to the self inflicted shame. No church
per se acted that way to me only people in church.

Godisgr8r · Jan 7, 2007

I haven't really gone through any of the condemnation in my church. There are several couples there that have been divorced and remarried, so it's not looked at as a sin there. None of my family or friends have voiced to me that they feel it's wrong for me to be remarried. The only time I feel like I'm being judged is here on some of the threads. Some people can be rather harsh.

madison1101 · Jan 7, 2007

I have only been married once and divorced once. My husband left me. I have not felt any condemnation or judgmental attitude toward me because of my marital status. I have been treated with love, kindness and dignity.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I suggest you find a good church that loves people regardless of marital status.

cruztacean · Jan 7, 2007

Brotherf.a.m. has a point. It wasn't the official position of that church, but some of the individuals in it. Godisgr8r, I understand what you're saying too. More condemnation on the boards than in person. Maybe that's because we're pretty much faceless here, and those in our own churches know us better. They know our circumstances and aren't as quick to throw stones, except for a few random ones here and there.

(Incidentally, GIG, I wonder why your post didn't wordwrap. I had to scroll across the screen to get it all. Some weird technical difficulty, I suppose.)

Well, ironically, the sermon this morning was on different ways we fail God, with a huge chunk on marriage and divorce. The associate pastor preached, and every time he said the d-word I dripped another tear. Not his fault, just bad timing. I told him afterward I was just emotionally fragile. And the senior pastor is entirely familiar with my situation and is understanding. As I said to him, I know there weren't really any cannons aimed at my head.

Godisgr8r · Jan 7, 2007

Do you ever wonder "why me"? I'm sure you have your days. I'm sorry you've been through so much.

FLANDIDLYANDERS · Jan 8, 2007

Well my wife left me with 4 kids and you know what?

We all commit adultery to God every day. We all seek out our of version of freedom that God offers us, only to mess it up and start again, causing God all the Joy and Pain that entails.

So if we learn to not judge our ex's, we learn not to be judged by others. Easy for me to say, I guess, as I'm the "victim", but even I get odd looks at being alone all the time with 4 young kids. I think most people think I'm gay or very inappropriate cos of all the "girlfriends" (non-dating capacity) I have.

Bah, people gonna judge us no matter what, so accept that, be resolved and look em in hte eye anyway. What Jesus refuses to condemn, so do I.

cruztacean · Jan 8, 2007

I would probably do well to remember what I told an interfering sister-in-law.

"You didn't create me. You didn't die for my sins and rise again the third day. You don't get to judge me."

KJVisTruth · Jan 8, 2007

cruztacean said:
I would probably do well to remember what I told an interfering sister-in-law.

"You didn't create me. You didn't die for my sins and rise again the third day. You don't get to judge me."

Good one.

4Christ2 · Jan 8, 2007

Why do we care how others define us anyway. We may be divorced and/or remarried; but God doesn't condemn those who belong to Him. If we are his, we have his everlasting love and forgiveness. I refuse to "accept" the devil's package (won't sign for it) when fingers point my way - onboard or real life!

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