Could use advice please

I don't think anyone can answer that question for you it's between you and Christ. However me personally I wouldn't stay in a situation where my life was in danger insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results

RedPonyDriver said:

You are right. Thank you.

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What was your childhood like? What made you not only get into but stay in this relationship? I don't like getting into the what he did, what he does or him you're here and he can't defend himself I want to examine what made you enter into this relationship? Were there any signs early on?

What do you think? Do you want to reconcile? Aside from the belief in "till death do us part", is there any reason at all you would reconcile with him? Or is your belief your only reason for considering reconciliation?

I married a man who beat me - in three episodes, he went from an "accident" to choking me till I passed out. When I came to, I kicked him where it hurts a guy, and bought myself time to get to safety - and he called the police on me. A professional told me that the abuse escalated so fast that next time he would likely kill me and advised me to go underground. I came out of hiding when he married a Russian mail-order bride. Anyway, during all that time, I learned about boundaries. He knew that if he hit me, we would not be living together, and when that happened, he knew that if it happened again, I would divorce him. We were married a month.

During that time, I also prayed and studied the Word on the issue. For me, although I do believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, I also believe that my life is more precious to God than his wrath against my ex's sins against me. Iow, if I cared at all about God's creation and one that he loves enough to go to the cross for (me), then I would do all I could to protect myself from the sin that God despises - and this is not only my ex's sins against me, but also my own sin against God.

If you are even thinking about reconciling, please read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Or better yet, read the one "Boundaries in Marriage."

You waited a long time - till your 30s - because you wanted to be sure that you married the person who is right for you...and you ended up with someone who drinks too much and is an abuser. I can't judge that because I married one too, and did not know it until after the wedding (although I suspected deep down). Anyway, my understanding of God is that he does not desire us to keep "till death do us part" when that death may come at the hands of one who is supposed to love us. Which part of the vow is more important - to love, honour and cherish, or till death do you part? My understanding of God is that he does not expect us to stay in a situation where we are endangering our well-being. After all, if you had children, would you want your precious daughter to stay with someone who is abusive? I don't think our Heavenly Father wants us to, either.

If you really want reconciliation, a good thing to do is live apart - but don't pay for anything for him. Then only get back together when you know it's safe and he has earned your trust.

RedPonyDriver said:

I grew up in a comfortable middle-class home, parents who were married FOREVER and a day, they were married 45 years when my dad passed away. I have 4 brothers, 3 older, 1 younger. We were all expected to do well in school, stay out of trouble, pursue our dreams. All 5 of us are college-educated professionals. My parents did all they could to help us through college. They didn't put a whole lot of conditions on us and expected us to use good judgment. We were all "normal" college students. Good grades, maybe a little partying and spring break trips. My parents supported us if we chose to go on to grad school. Some of us did. We all married "later" in life. I was 34. I met my husband where I worked at the time. We dated, got engaged and got married in about an 18 month span. The first 3-4 years of our marriage were great except for the no kids thing. We discovered that having a child of our own wasn't going to happen. It all changed after the adoption fell through. That's when the drinking, the physical abuse started.

I've come to terms with no kids, I have a bunch of nieces and nephews to spoil, cuddle, babysit, and enjoy. He says he has...but...

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Did you feel pressured to get married did your age play a roll? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you thought of a personal weekend getaway to clear your mind the mountains are a beautiful place to talk to God particularly with winter coming.

RedPonyDriver said:

My family didn't pressure me to marry. Once we were out of college, our parents pretty much rolled back the whole parenting thing. Like I said, we all married "late" in life. As for me, I was busy with my career and hobbies and generally enjoying life when I met my husband. I had a house, my dogs, my cats, my racing buddies. I really didn't think I'd ever marry...it just wasn't something that was terribly important to me. My younger brother was the youngest to marry and he was about 28 I think. If we asked for advice, they gave it, but they never saw the need to butt in. My brothers are currently vying to be the first to drop kick his rear end into oblivion.

A weekend getaway sounds great...but I close on my new house on Thursday and have friends coming into town the following week...maybe after that I'll take a nice drive up to Tahoe.

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No I mean did your age and your other siblings being married play a role? How long did you date?

Yeah sometimes we have to go some where and disappear for a few days and talk to God. That's what Jesus did, it's better that way we can cry, we can be mad and we can just sit there and talk to God about it. You've got so much going on that might add to your confusion on what to do.

I don't think anyone should put up with someone that abuses him.

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Should I agree to reconciliation even though nothing has changed?

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[FONT=&quot]NO WAY![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]What conditions should I put on reconciliation?[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]At least two:[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]1 [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Stop drinking[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot] 2 If this is true [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"hail Satan" and "satan is my god"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Then I would never reconcile with him unless you were 100% sure that he is dedicated to God and Christ![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I would require at least 7 years of solid proof before you consider reconciliation.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]With what you have described I see no positive for you to be with him, do you?[/FONT]

My question for you is why are you still with him if he violently attacks you? In the olden days brothers and cousins would go have a 'chat' with your husband to set him straight, my father and a few of my uncles did just this for a cousin of mine who was with a brawler. If would go down like that if any of my daughters married a guy like that. If you don't have men who would do that for you then the police are the next best option, maybe first best for some.

RedPonyDriver said:

I grew up in a comfortable middle-class home, parents who were married FOREVER and a day, they were married 45 years when my dad passed away. I have 4 brothers, 3 older, 1 younger. We were all expected to do well in school, stay out of trouble, pursue our dreams. All 5 of us are college-educated professionals. My parents did all they could to help us through college. They didn't put a whole lot of conditions on us and expected us to use good judgment. We were all "normal" college students. Good grades, maybe a little partying and spring break trips. My parents supported us if we chose to go on to grad school. Some of us did. We all married "later" in life. I was 34. I met my husband where I worked at the time. We dated, got engaged and got married in about an 18 month span. The first 3-4 years of our marriage were great except for the no kids thing. We discovered that having a child of our own wasn't going to happen. It all changed after the adoption fell through. That's when the drinking, the physical abuse started.

I've come to terms with no kids, I have a bunch of nieces and nephews to spoil, cuddle, babysit, and enjoy. He says he has...but...

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My childhood was much the same and I'm pretty sure that as a result of it I came out into adulthood book smart but not street smart.

Counseling has to be a huge part of reconciliation. If he can't agree to that, then no bueno. Walk away. You don't have to get divorced to walk away - and if he refuses to take steps to fix what he's broken then he walked away already.

Personally, especially since you don't have children tying you to him, I would have been out the door the moment the abuse started. Nobody here can tell you what's right for you to do. You sound like a grounded, normal person who just fell in with someone who's got some serious screws loose upstairs. I can't see anything positive coming if you get back together with him. But in the end, it's your decision. At the very least, I would require intensive, long-term counseling for him, and solid proof of changes in behavior, including holding down a job for a good six months to a year before I would even CONSIDER moving back in together.

Inkachu said:

Personally, especially since you don't have children tying you to him, I would have been out the door the moment the abuse started. Nobody here can tell you what's right for you to do. You sound like a grounded, normal person who just fell in with someone who's got some serious screws loose upstairs. I can't see anything positive coming if you get back together with him. But in the end, it's your decision. At the very least, I would require intensive, long-term counseling for him, and solid proof of changes in behavior, including holding down a job for a good six months to a year before I would even CONSIDER moving back in together.

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I agree with this too. You've gotten good advice. I hope you take it.

Originally Posted by Autumnleaf

My question for you is why are you still with him if he violently attacks you? In the olden days brothers and cousins would go have a 'chat' with your husband to set him straight, my father and a few of my uncles did just this for a cousin of mine who was with a brawler. If would go down like that if any of my daughters married a guy like that. If you don't have men who would do that for you then the police are the next best option, maybe first best for some.


By RedPonyDriver
My brothers had "words" with him the one and only time he laid hands on me. It wasn't pretty. So...he's never put hands on me again...at least he remembered the butt whooping he got at the hands of the 4 most important people in my life. He's been excluded from family gatherings for years for that reason.

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[FONT=&quot]I know that the old way is not popular these days but sometimes it gets the job done![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]A man tried to mess with one of our females relatives when she was 15 years old. The police was not called and that man got knocked on his can in front of the whole family. The women pulled the girl’s male relative off of the attempted molester or else he would have gotten a worse beating.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I know many people would say for the police to handle this case but it would be his word against hers without any proof and nothing would have been done. He did not succeed in his molestation as she ran away from him. This potential molester lived in the same city as our female relative and he never even got close to her or called the police, ever! The potential molester admitted to his attempt before he got knocked to the ground.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I know that you have to be very careful about this method today because the law does not want anyone but the police to handle all situations like this. However, as even the police have admitted, they have to let people go that are guilty because of some loop hole in the laws.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am not advocating that we all become vigilantes but I have seen the old way work very well more than once.[/FONT]

I've gotta ask.

All things considered (like the no kids as others have mentioned, etc) - what exactly keeps ya with this guy? Where does even the slightest bit of doubt about what you ought to do come from?

RedPonyDriver said:

My brothers had "words" with him the one and only time he laid hands on me. It wasn't pretty. So...he's never put hands on me again...at least he remembered the butt whooping he got at the hands of the 4 most important people in my life. He's been excluded from family gatherings for years for that reason.

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In the OP you said you clobbered him with a pan.... fast forward a few years....attacked you again and tore up the house. You said he has never been able to control himself...throws things, throws punches. Now you are saying that he only "laid hands on you" once and never did it again.

I'm with EZoo...why would you even consider going back? It's not just the physical abuse, but the whole disrespectful dynamic between the two of you...and evidently extended family as well.