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TurtleRunner

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hey do u ever find that ED is all you think about. its like u find links to it in everything like health class at school and in the movies and just everywhere. and i always wanna talk about it. part of it is im excited about what God is doing in my life and part of it is that i wanna become better at it. am i the only one like this? its like anorexia has taken over my mind and my life
 
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eyeliv4God

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No, you're not the only one... lemme tell you how my day usually goes...

  • Wake up and think about what I'm going to eat and then realize I'm a fat pig.
  • Eat and then feel guilty for eating like a fat pig.
  • Take twice as many diet pills as I'm supposed to.
  • Go to the YMCA to work out, try to focus on doing it for God, but catch my eyes wandering around the gym, looking at all the beautiful people who are lacking any body fat whatsoever.
  • Come home and eat like a pig again.
  • Hang out with my boyfriend who is extremely, extremely skinny and get jealous.
  • Go out to eat with him and feel self-conscious because I'm a fat pig.
  • Take more diet pills.
It's all I think about. Satan has pulled me in and I know better, but I don't care. I know I'm a fat pig. I feel so ugly and fat and I'm obsessed with my body, my daily caloric intake... it's a battle that I feel like I'll never win.
 
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bumblebee62331

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Oh I know what you mean! In fact, that's partly why I had to take a small break from CF - because I was being soo consumed by my ED thoughts! It's still on my mind, but I didn't have that control anymore over how much I wanted to think and how much I would allow my thoughts to affect me. It's hard, but you have to try to control them - don't let them control you.
 
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blessedmomof5

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Before i went IP it was my everythinking .....even when i slept i would dream it...i was nota good mother like i should have been i just isolated myself from everyone except the gym.
now that i am home i am trying my hardest not to fall back into those old patterns, which trust me is hard because as they call the the "ed" voices are strong....i call them evil. they did say i have OCD, but i would think anyone with any ED would have that to some degree.....IMHO
 
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Soulwings

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Turtlerunner. I know exactly what you mean. Its all I can think about. Last semester, I was taking composition 1, and for my ten page research paper, I wrote about EDs, because I knew so well what it is like.

My day is kind of like Ginas.
- I get up, do x amount of crunches and jumping jacks.
- Weigh myself.
- Get dressed, go eat something for breakfast, be it a cup of coffee or an apple. Feel like a pig.
- Go to uni.
- Eat lunch (fat free yoghurt or an apple).
- More classes.
- Go to the gym, get totally triggered by the tiny thin people in TIGHT tank tops, work out really hard. Feel guilty for eating.
- Come home. Eat a small supper (bowl of soup, piece of bread, or an apple).
- Take a shower. Feel utterly HUGE in the mirror. Resolve to eat less the next day.
- Go to my room, do x amount of crunches, situps, and other exercises that work the abs.
- Go to bed and feel huge, suffocating in fat.

And of course, there are the days when I nibble during the day. And feel guilty for that. And Im constantly looking at other people. I hope other girls dont think Im checking them out or anything; Im just comparing my body to theirs, and mine is ALWAYS lacking in something. ARGGG.
 
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