Communication

captaincrunchtogo · Mar 1, 2009

I am in a relationship of about two and a half months with a wonderful woman. We are both still in college and she has already been married and divorced (bad situation). Just the other night we were spending time together and she brought up the subject of communication. When she said that my brain just went into overload trying to think of what to say. This would be my third relationship and my other two did not go well. The first one turned nasty only after a short while because my motives were wrong and the second just shouldn't have been because of inequality. I myself am not a big talker. Because I lean more towards computers, i would rather do all my talking through a keyboard but I know that won't work in the long run. My last two relationships did not have very good communication and that too helped with the demise of both of them. I truly feel that this relationship will be the one that lasts. I seriously need some help with communication for it to last. Any suggestions about how to better my communication would be greatly appreciated.

alfrodull · Mar 1, 2009

Why do you find it easier to communicate through a keyboard? Is it because you have more time to organize your thoughts? Is it because you would rather have impersonal confrontations than personal ones? Is it just because you're too lazy to get up and see people in person?

Figuring that out may give you some clues as to what to work on.

captaincrunchtogo · Mar 1, 2009

alfrodull said:
Why do you find it easier to communicate through a keyboard? Is it because you have more time to organize your thoughts? Is it because you would rather have impersonal confrontations than personal ones? Is it just because you're too lazy to get up and see people in person?

Figuring that out may give you some clues as to what to work on.

For me, the biggest problem for me is thinking on my feet. My thoughts just take longer to come to me and for them to actually come out. When I think of saying something, I always analyze what i am thinking. When in class I almost never speak up because by the time i think about what i am going to say, the discussion or question is done with. The same happens in a small group setting. We are discussing something and they are already on the next subject before i can even think of what i am going to say. Typing gives me the time I need to get my thoughts together. This happens more with deep conversations or discussions. Most of the time, friendly conversation seems to be ok. but there are times when i just get jumbled up there too.

InspiredTruth · Mar 1, 2009

I would say start taking communication classes!

alfrodull · Mar 2, 2009

InspiredTruth said:
I would say start taking communication classes!

Bad idea if you aren't comfortable with public speaking...I for one ended up with a bad grade in them because I always dreaded going. Classes where discussion is important but not the most vital aspect are a good idea though. Small seminars in the humanities (especially English and philosophy) are a good place to start. It's a lot easier to get your thoughts out in a group of 5-10 people than in a larger one, and the instructor is more likely to make sure everyone contributes a little.

It also helps to prepare your thoughts ahead of time if you know something important is likely to come up.

InspiredTruth · Mar 2, 2009

Well I think being out of your comfort zone is the only place where change will occur.

alfrodull · Mar 2, 2009

InspiredTruth said:
Well I think being out of your comfort zone is the only place where change will occur.

True. But the key is to not go so far outside your comfort zone that you're just torturing yourself unproductively (and at this case, at the cost of your GPA.) You gotta walk before you can run.

waxlion10 · Mar 2, 2009

captaincrunchtogo said:
For me, the biggest problem for me is thinking on my feet. My thoughts just take longer to come to me and for them to actually come out. When I think of saying something, I always analyze what i am thinking. When in class I almost never speak up because by the time i think about what i am going to say, the discussion or question is done with. The same happens in a small group setting. We are discussing something and they are already on the next subject before i can even think of what i am going to say. Typing gives me the time I need to get my thoughts together. This happens more with deep conversations or discussions. Most of the time, friendly conversation seems to be ok. but there are times when i just get jumbled up there too.

My boyfriend is somewhat like this in that he prefers to have time to think over his answers. He does think quickly on his feet (we both do) but find that our conversations go better when we both have time to mull over things, analyze them, and formulate an answer.

To help this, I try to let him know ahead of time if I want to talk to him and what I want to talk about. This gives him time to gather this thoughts and come up with some answers. Perhaps if your girlfriend did something like this you would be likely to communicate with her on important issues.

captaincrunchtogo · Mar 2, 2009

waxlion10 said:
My boyfriend is somewhat like this in that he prefers to have time to think over his answers. He does think quickly on his feet (we both do) but find that our conversations go better when we both have time to mull over things, analyze them, and formulate an answer.

To help this, I try to let him know ahead of time if I want to talk to him and what I want to talk about. This gives him time to gather this thoughts and come up with some answers. Perhaps if your girlfriend did something like this you would be likely to communicate with her on important issues.

Thank you I think that is a great idea. anymore will still be helpful

Luther073082 · Mar 2, 2009

I would agree that you need to ask for time to think of a response.

But I also think you need to learn to communicate off of the computer. And thats not just with your GF but other people too. Talking with a lot of people off the computer will help you with your GF.

Bootstrap · Mar 2, 2009

Every try writing your thoughts in email and sending them to her? You might try getting one of the lists of questions for couples to discuss and working through them one at a time by email.

Or try keeping a journal. Once you've written your thoughts down, is it easier to share those particular thoughts, or is it still difficult?

Romance involves talking about feelings. Most guys don't learn to do that. So writing about your feelings in your journal can be helpful.

Jonathan

gailygirl · Mar 2, 2009

I'm the same way, I totally prefer to send my feelings in an email rather than sit down and talk about them. In my last relationship, we found that it helped to just be open about it. We talked about the fact that I organized my thoughts better in email form, so often if he knew something was bothering me and I had trouble getting the words out, he would tell me to write him an email. He had trouble thinking through things on his feet and figuring out what to say, so that helped him, too. He could read the email, figure things out, then we would talk again when he was ready. Kind of a long process, but it kept the communication open for us and we both felt comfortable with it.

JdwB10 · Mar 26, 2009

I have learned this with my relationship: it always goes better to step outside your comfort zone for the person you love. I'm a fairly good communicator, but I tend to get really quiet when I'm upset. My fiancee used to think(in the beginning of our relationship) that I was gonna break up with him with how quiet I was. I had to go against my nature, and learn to just speak my mind. Due to bad experiences in past relationships with this, I was terrified of doing so. But it saves him alot of heartache.

Even if you're thoughts are jumbled, speak whatever comes to your mind first. If you need to have some time, take that time, but steer away from sending your responses in emails. You need to branch out, and get out of your comfort zone, and learn to communicate without a keyboard. It will do your relationship more good in the long run, because it was show her that you truly care about learning to communicate.

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