Comitment phobia?

Koop · Dec 13, 2003

I know it's a fairly common problem for people and I feel that I am having to deal with it. My gilfrend of 3 years left me about two weeks ago. She still cared for me, but claimed that she flet God was telling her we needed to separate. We were talking a lot about marieage at the time and getting ready to propose. After reading M Blaine Smith's book "should i get married", I'm more convinced that this is the issue. Has anyone been through this and gotten through it? Smith says the only way to really deal with serious cases is for professional counceling. I'm not really looking for advice. I just want to hear personal experinces from people who have been through it and how they got over it. As well as what might have helped them. I'm not sure I deisre to get back into the relationship at this point, but I still want to help her, and all of the future men she is with.

katelyn · Dec 13, 2003

My husband went through some fear of commitment during our dating relationship. I believe that it was due to his parents' divorce. He was very afraid of not choosing the "right" (i.e., perfect, which there is no such thing) person to be with, and that there could be someone else out there who was better for him, so he shouldn't commit. He didn't go to counseling for it...it just took time for him to realize how well we got along and how much we love each other. I think one thing that helped was that we spent the summer apart shortly after he went through one of these fear of commitment phases. During that time, he was able to realize how much he cared for me and missed me and wanted to be with me. We got engaged that December.

desi · Dec 13, 2003

Commitment phobia is fairly easy to work around. What you do is let the relationship stall and give her the vibe you're about to move on to greener pastures. She gets panicky and starts to get into 'keep him' mode where she lavishes attention on you and the relationship. This is when you are the center of her attention and she would do anything to have you back, and keep you. You tell her you 'have to talk' and take her out. When you get there you sit.. order.. smile tell her you love her, can't think of living without her etc... propose and she jumps at the chance to marry a great guy like you!

Koop · Dec 14, 2003

LOL Desi. I can only hope it works that way. Knowing her it won't though. We will see what happnes. Thanks guys. I'm hoping time apart will help her out. Even if we don't get back together. Also do you think it's ok to talk or do you feel it's best to cut completelly off for a while?

LN · Dec 14, 2003

She still cared for me, but claimed that she flet God was telling her we needed to separate.

I had someone say this to me once. IMHO this is a very complicated topic and it was incredibly difficult and confusing to hear this as the reason for the breakup. It made my faith very shaky and I could not understand why God would tell him one thing and me another.

This was about five years ago - when I was your age actually. I have since met my husband-to-be and we are now married.

In retrospect, I don't think "God told me to" is a valid or acceptable reason for breaking up with someone. Unless both people are hearing the same thing from God and its a mutual breakup. I think SO MANY people confuse thier own personal feelings and emotions with what "God is telling them to do." So God becomes the scapegoat. About a year after this guy (Adam) and I broke up, I dated one of his friends and found out a bunch of things that Adam didn't like about me and our relationship that I never knew of. It was finally, at that time, that I realized that Adam was full of it. Or just confused at the very least.

When Adam broke up with me it was so painful I would just be walking down the street and I would break out into tears. In a way I felt betrayed by God because I couldn't understand why Adam heard something that I did not. The best advice I can give (and I know you didn't ask for advice) is to not be upset or angry at God, which I would think to be a very natural reaction. It just seems like this girl isn't the right person for you. My mom always gave me great advice in that a relationship should feel "natural." It took me a long time to realize what that meant.

When I met my husband there were no games, no confusion, it just progressed naturally. We both knew we wanted to marry each other right away, and after six months we were engaged. I never doubted whether or not he wanted to be with me, and I knew he was psyched to put a ring on my finger. That is the way it should be.

Laura

ps - cut off completely. it will be so painful, but less messy in the long-run.

Koop · Dec 14, 2003

Laura. I apreciate you sharing with me, but the reason i said i wasn't looking for advice is no one here really konws me or the situtaion. It sounds like what you went through was similar, but i'm sure it was also very diffent. The relationship was very "natural." I feel she was just afraid to commit. I also am not mad at God at all. He was is and shall ever be my rock. As for her not bing the one for me. I don't see how you can say that at all. Did God tell you? I honestly don't know and I know myslef and her a lot better. We never played "games", she just seemes to be very confused right now. I want to help her and be her freind. I'm ready to move on, and i don't see things being "messy." thanks for sharing your experince though.

LN · Dec 14, 2003

As for her not bing the one for me. I don't see how you can say that at all. Did God tell you?

Sorry Koop - I probably shouldn't have said that. The reason why I said that is very simple: because she broke up with you. Her reasoning might be because she's afraid of committment, or that she felt as though God told her to. But she did it.

Unfortunately

I'm ready to move on, and i don't see things being "messy."

my words were:

ps - cut off completely. it will be so painful, but less messy in the long-run.

To me, "messy" is having a relationship with someone who is just a friend, who used to be your girlfriend, who you still have feelings for, and it keeps you from dating other people and moving on. I didn't say it was "messy," I said that it could be.

msjones21 · Dec 14, 2003

Desi, I really hope you were joking. Jealousy tactics are disgusting. You should never manipulate and play with people's emotions for your own gain. If you have to pretend you're going to dump them or cheat on them and they start focusing more on you then your relationship is destined to fail. Of course when someone thinks you're going to leave them or cheat on them they get into the competitive mode, but if that's the ONLY reason they stay with you then it's not worth it. Geez, did you get that advice from Maxim magazine?

desi · Dec 14, 2003

msjones21 said:
Desi, I really hope you were joking. Jealousy tactics are disgusting. You should never manipulate and play with people's emotions for your own gain. If you have to pretend you're going to dump them or cheat on them and they start focusing more on you then your relationship is destined to fail. Of course when someone thinks you're going to leave them or cheat on them they get into the competitive mode, but if that's the ONLY reason they stay with you then it's not worth it. Geez, did you get that advice from Maxim magazine?

No, I did it when she kicked me out and tried to divorce me, sort of. After she gave me the boot, I started dating another woman and the wife saw us walking together and flipped out.:o After that she wanted me back. Same principle, different events.

I have to add another experience I had when I was in High School dating a Catholic School girl. We dated for awhile and one day she called me and told me we couldn't see each other anymore because she was seriously considering being a nun. I was miffed and told my confidants, the kitchen crew where I worked. Of course they laughed and my boss said, "At least you lost to a better man! Ha ha!" A few weeks later she called and said she missed me.

msjones21 · Dec 14, 2003

So basically your wife stayed with you because you couldn't keep your hands to yourself before you were even legally divorced. Wow, I'd have to say your views on how to make a relationship work are quite skewed. I wonder what God has to say about manipulating people to get them to stay with you or take you back?

Koop · Dec 18, 2003

katelyn said:
My husband went through some fear of commitment during our dating relationship. I believe that it was due to his parents' divorce. He was very afraid of not choosing the "right" (i.e., perfect, which there is no such thing) person to be with, and that there could be someone else out there who was better for him, so he shouldn't commit. He didn't go to counseling for it...it just took time for him to realize how well we got along and how much we love each other. I think one thing that helped was that we spent the summer apart shortly after he went through one of these fear of commitment phases. During that time, he was able to realize how much he cared for me and missed me and wanted to be with me. We got engaged that December.

How did you deal with time he spent away from you? Did you still love him while he was gone? I have never missed somone as much as i do right now. I just have such a deep deep longing to see her face, hear her voice, tough her hand. Anything. How did you deal with it?

charligirl · Dec 19, 2003

Like anything, the person needs to acknowledge they have a problem. Keep praying!

M Blaine Smith has also written 'The YES anxiety', I read that and 'should I get married' which led me to have some councelling before I said Yes to my fiance!

desi · Dec 19, 2003

msjones21 said:
So basically your wife stayed with you because you couldn't keep your hands to yourself before you were even legally divorced. Wow, I'd have to say your views on how to make a relationship work are quite skewed. I wonder what God has to say about manipulating people to get them to stay with you or take you back?

Actually I think God would approve as my marriage is still intact and stronger than ever, compared to my step brothers who begged their wives to stay and both ended up divorced paying lots of child support. You see, deception is necessary when dealing with people who do unGodly things with their free will. By deceiving them back into a Godly life we can do them and ourselves a favor. God seems to let the end justify the means if you look at his track record, flooding the whole earth to get rid of a few bad apples. He also has rewarded manipulating people if you look at how Jacob got Isaac's blessing by deceiving him into thinking he was Esau.

Koop · Dec 20, 2003

Off topic. I disagree with you desi, but i don't want anyone to debate it in my thread please. If you want start another thread.

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