• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

  • Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.

Caregiver vs Abusive Dad

shamrock75

Newbie
Jun 26, 2012
1
0
✟22,611.00
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Single
4 Years ago I moved back into my parents home after being out of their home for 30 years. I decided that I would put my life on hold to take care of my mother while she is dealing with colon cancer and to try to make every attempt that she live a healthy positive life while she deals with cancer and the treatments involved with this.

At 19 I ran away from home and devastated my mother as I later found out. Our family situation was absolutely horrible and nothing that I wanted to be involved in anymore. My dad was a police officer and brought his work home with him everyday. He never physically hit my mother, but his mouth assaulted her hourly. He belittled her and the rest of my family every chance that he got. Back in the 60s and 70s it was very appropriate to use the belt as a tool of discipline when we supposedly did not do as where instructed. The metal portion of the belt was used frequently and it was not a mere spanking, it was purely a beating. I grew up being told constantly I would never amount to anything, how stupid we all were, and a variety of other names that were constantly slung towards us.

Thus I chose to move in with my Grandmother, 1500 miles away. She provided me with a wonderful, loving, and safe environment. I became a christian and learned to love God and became a very good christian. I was at peace with myself and learned that I was a good person and that God had many plans for me in my life. I lived in the midwest all of my life until the last four years when I chose to move back to help my mom.

It took tremendous prayer to even consider moving back in with them well knowing the hostile environment that I would be dealing with. I just knew that I could get Mom better and give her some outlook and be a positive attitude for her and someone to lean on.

The first year was fine and each day of building moms esteem up was met with Dads poor attitude but I was successful. There have been 3 big operations to beat this cancer and many ups and downs. But she is a strong woman and is my hero for everything that she has endured in life.

My attitude, Christianity has just been horrible in the last 1.5 years. I have such an apathetic attitude and just cannot Honor Thy Father. His relentless daily assaults have torn my insides out. The verbal abuse is just too much to handle anymore and my feelings have turned to hatred and disgust. I continue to pray and pray in hopes that God will intervene someday in this matter.

Dad and his mood swings, competitiveness with mom as to who is sicker, (he is perfectly healthy), and the verbal assaults and his constant demand for attention have driven my hatred more engrained in my soul. Mom and I have attempted many many times to sit him down and discuss every issues with him, but he always manages to skirt the blame to someone else and go on the defensive stating that we are either crazy or have assaulted him.

As God as my witness I have never said anything to him with the exception of a couple of weeks ago I called him a jackass for his behavior towards mom when she had some severe side effects to the treatment that she is taking.

I am at my wits end, I feel useless, not productive, depressed, and dont feel that God wants to answer me. I just need someone to talk to, someone to pray with.. Any advice or prayers would be helpful!

God Bless
 

rowantree

Newbie
Apr 13, 2012
726
38
UK
✟23,612.00
Faith
Protestant
Marital Status
Married
I have no words of wisdom. I admire you tremendously for what you have done. You have truly lived the self-sacrificial love which is Christ-like. God in heaven sees and knows what you have done. I am sure that your mother knows exactly what you have done, and is eternally grateful to you.

I am just so sorry that this has affected you in a negative way - but in a way, it was bound to do. You have taken so much upon your shoulders, and the Lord in heaven sees this. You most CERTAINLY are not un-productive. You have given the greatest love that one human being can ever give to another. That is far more than most of us have done.

I am here to talk to if you would like to. Also I will pray with you. Either talk here, in this thread, or you can PM me if you would like to. Either way I would like to be with you in prayer and in spirit.

Take care of yourself as much as you can. I do know what it is like living with someone so abusive though.

I am praying for you, and praying that you will know that God is with you and has heard your prayers.

Please know that I care, but that God cares too. God bless you.
 
Upvote 0

rowantree

Newbie
Apr 13, 2012
726
38
UK
✟23,612.00
Faith
Protestant
Marital Status
Married
shamrock, I just saw that you have only one post and you have to have 15 before you can PM someone. So please feel free to talk to me on this thread. I am here. I am caring for my abusive mother who is now 86, and also my husband, who is not abusive and is wheelchair bound and sick too. I well know the drain that caring puts upon you. Take care.
 
Upvote 0

SusanAScott

Newbie
Jul 4, 2012
1
0
New England
Visit site
✟15,111.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
Shamrock,

I feel compelled to respond because my situation is similar and God gave me an insight just a couple of days ago. Like you, I would prefer a loving, open and supportive relationship with my father. However, that requires the same desire on the part of both people. My dad does not know how to love others. He is selfish and self-absorbed.
I deal with his angry outbursts, his fits of being offended at any perceived slight and his inability to engage in any kind of loving, supportive, behaviors. Both my parents are in their 70's and we share a two family home so I'm there 24/7 as caregiver.
It sounds like your dad is similar and your response has been to be understanding and patient. On a scale of one to ten, we'd like our relationship with our dads to be a 10 (or at least a civil and respectful 8) Right now, the relationship is probably more of a 4 or 5. Here's the thing, if we were responding to their behaviors and words with the same anger and hatefulness, the relationship would be a 0. In other words, thanks to our attempts to remain honoring of our fathers our relationship with them is far better than it would be if we were not seeking to model christlike behavior.
As far as it is possible for us to do alone, we have brought the level of our relationship up to as good as it can be.
The bottom line is you ARE honoring your parents. The fact that your dad can not respond in kind is holding your relationship back from what it could be, but you are doing your part. The end result does not look like a very good relationship, but it is far better than it would be if you were spewing anger and hate back at him.
God recognizes that we are not responsible for other people's behaviors. He knows we can only do so much. Romans 8:12 says "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men" Notice it starts with IF it is possible. God acknowledges that it is not always possible to be at peace with everyone. We can only do our part and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. I pray that you can get a break occasionally and get away for even a few hours of refreshing.
 
Upvote 0