Can I get some opinions?

kittykat1234 · May 6, 2004

Hi everyone! I posting for the first time and I hope that I can get someone's opinion about a current situation that is affecting me...

I am having a very hard time deciding on what to do about a situation going on with my sister-in-law.

To give you some background....both of our husbands are brothers and we all live in the same house. Since we moved in we've had clashes about things like housework, parenting. About 3 weeks ago we began to speak to eachother after 2 months of ignoring eachother. One of our issues was the housecleaning. Her husband wants this done "constantly". I don't agree with this and I told her that I only have time on the weekend to do it. She told me not to worry about cleaning during the week but if I ever felt like cleaning that I should feel free to do it. Up until yesterday I thought everything was okay. She gave me a list with scheduled dates for me to clean and with about 30 tasks that need to be done everytime I clean. Not only are dates contrary to what we discussed but it seems like she hasn't liked the way I clean so she gives me a list of exactly what I need to do.

I am starting to trust more in the Lord and have been reading a book regarding finding purpose in life. After what I have read I am stumped on what to do. The Lord put this situation in my life and I'm not supposed to question it, I feel that what's going on isn't fair. I want to ask her why she changed things or what I did wrong, but I don't know if I should. Should I just accept this and do what they want and how they want it. I need some insight.

Thanks

Yitzchak · May 6, 2004

It is hard to advise with limited info on something like this. I advise getting some counseling from a christian counselor.
What i cna confidently say is that the issues being discussed are not the real issues. There are deeper issues. Why I know this is that these are little issues in and of themselves. There are some expectations because of what these issues mean to the people involved. Sounds like it could get very emotional in a hurry.

charligirl · May 6, 2004

I have to ask why you say that the Lord has put this situation in your life, and that you are not to question it? Did He call you to all live together (a VERY difficult situation I would imagine for anyone, 2 heads of the household and 2 women, I couldn't do it!) perhaps it is not God at all.

Who pays the rent? whose house is it? whose idea was it to all share? did you start with ground rules? sounds like the FOUR of you need to sit down and take turns to speak about what you would like to see done and what is able to be done in relatity with your schedules. COmpromise on all sides is needed.

Pray for God's grace and wisdom!

seangoh · May 6, 2004

yeah u didn't give much info for us to make a relatively good judgement. But for what i gathered, it seems like the 2 of you are like the servants of the house. A good idea i find is to move out somewhere with your husband to have your own house. I also suggest talking to your husband about it and don't be afraid to talk to your sis-in-law. It takes guts to talk to her so pray about it.

Stanfi · May 6, 2004

I don't mean to give such general adivce, but first you need to pray about it. Then I think that you need to have a good heart to heart talk with the other woman. Don't speak to her in agitation, but in genuine concern and love. Explain how you feel, and listen to her (assuming she will talk). You both will need to have a deeper understanding about each other, and reach a level of understanding, if you want this situation to work, and be able to live in harmony.

kittykat1234 · May 6, 2004

Good Morning!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave out details. I don want advice on this so that I may take a decision. This situation with living together was all pretty much put together by my B-I-L (brother in law). He asked us to move-in with him and split all the bills 50-50 and when he sells his house (maybe in 2 years) he'll split the profit. I do have to say that my husband and I did not pray about this. They prayed to get their house. I try to let my husband know that all of this is overwhelming to me. But he tells me that he's tired of being in the middle (his brother & me). I am praying for this, for the Lord to do take it away or to help me deal with this. It doesn't seem like I'm anywhere near moving out, so I pray for strength. I guess my real question is where do I apply my boundaries as a Christian? I can honestly say that I'm afraid to talk with my SIL. I can't find myself to do it without her always bringing up other issues other than what I want to clear up.

Thank you soo much for your responses. The scriptures are really nice!

Mr.Cheese · May 6, 2004

Living with other people creates problems. They say that the best way to lose your best friend is to become roommates.
Living compatibility is entirely different from getting along as friends and stuff.

Yitzchak · May 6, 2004

kittykat1234 said:
Good Morning!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave out details. I don want advice on this so that I may take a decision. This situation with living together was all pretty much put together by my B-I-L (brother in law). He asked us to move-in with him and split all the bills 50-50 and when he sells his house (maybe in 2 years) he'll split the profit. I do have to say that my husband and I did not pray about this. They prayed to get their house. I try to let my husband know that all of this is overwhelming to me. But he tells me that he's tired of being in the middle (his brother & me). I am praying for this, for the Lord to do take it away or to help me deal with this. It doesn't seem like I'm anywhere near moving out, so I pray for strength. I guess my real question is where do I apply my boundaries as a Christian? I can honestly say that I'm afraid to talk with my SIL. I can't find myself to do it without her always bringing up other issues other than what I want to clear up.

Thank you soo much for your responses. The scriptures are really nice!

Concerning drawing boundaries. The bible ays that one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is self control. Not others controling me but self control. When we allow others to run our lives , then we are no longer allowing the Holy spirit to lead us. It is clear from the bible that he gives your brother-in-law his life to live and gives you yours. What you choose to give is between you and the Lord and yours to give and not someone else's to take. it is a warning sign when someone else stops really asking and can't take no for an answer.

JVD · May 6, 2004

You asked for opinions...so that is what you are getting, not counseling. And you can discard it if you like.

First...it is not your husbands job to be in the middle...he is supposed to be the head. Part of being the head is: To stick up for you if you are being treated unfairly. To help you if you need help. To provide for you (by putting a roof over your head).

In almost everyone's case this would be a bad living arrangement.
I think you and your husband are being used. If it were I, I would move out into whatever I could afford...an efficiency apartment if need be. The peace would be worth it.

You have no guarantee that your BOL will split the profits, you don't even know for sure when he will sell his house. He already seems to think he is getting the bad end of the deal because of his demands to do certain things around the house.

I am saying all this to you knowing that there is likely little that can be done unless your husband reads this post...It wouldn't do much good to for you to try to convince him because he seems to be under the thumb of his brother. He needs to grow up himself and become the head of the household. He can't do that in his brother's house.

I guess the best you can do under this circumstance is remember that the bible even tells slaves to obey their masters well in order to show Christ in their lives. So until the Lord changes things you need to be as gracious as possible and pray that the Lord will work in your husband. It has nothing to do with your BIL and SIL.

stephenthecounsellor · May 6, 2004

Hi...you must feel very alone ...some great comments from those who are really caring...i agree with most of them... i eel you may have placed yourself in quite a vulnerable position; atleast interpersonally, if not financially! It sounds like your the one doing all the housework? is this true? The bills are being splitt 50/50, what baout tasks? There are alot of questions i think you have that they should be answering...perhaps you feel because your hubby is being somewhat avoidant (ie "i dont want to play middle man"), and that this has placed you into a corner?
1) Speak to your husband and express whats happening. Determine what you and he want fromt his arrangment ie finance, tasks, meetings, conflict resolution etc etc...WRITE IT DOWN!!!
2) Organise a house meeting, to set guidelines and basic roles
3) Get together: Express your love and support for them...state that you would like to talk about "stuff" re: the home AND THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM IS IMPORTANT TO YOU...if they're not ready for a meeting, set a time
4) Debate and argue and yell, everyone gets to express themselveas NO WALKING OUT THOUGH!! STAY WITH IT
5) WRITE DOWN AGREEMENTS, copy and distribute...
6) DO IT AGAIN IF 1-5 DONT WORK
If they feel that they do not want a meeting, it may tell you about how they resolve conflict in their lives...sadly it may come to you having to leave...you may need to face ALL OPTIONS

Let us know how it goes
Stephen

desi · May 6, 2004

kittykat1234 said:
I can't find myself to do it without her always bringing up other issues other than what I want to clear up.

Could these "other issues" your SIL brings up be the real problem? If she has deep seated issues you can clear up it may do wonders. If she thinks of you as a friend/ally instead of a SIL she is less likely to treat you as a poorly tolerated guest in her home. I could be way off here but that's my take on things from what you've offered so far.

charligirl · May 7, 2004

JVD said:
You asked for opinions...so that is what you are getting, not counseling. And you can discard it if you like.

First...it is not your husbands job to be in the middle...he is supposed to be the head. Part of being the head is: To stick up for you if you are being treated unfairly. To help you if you need help. To provide for you (by putting a roof over your head).

In almost everyone's case this would be a bad living arrangement.
I think you and your husband are being used. If it were I, I would move out into whatever I could afford...an efficiency apartment if need be. The peace would be worth it.

You have no guarantee that your BOL will split the profits, you don't even know for sure when he will sell his house. He already seems to think he is getting the bad end of the deal because of his demands to do certain things around the house.

I am saying all this to you knowing that there is likely little that can be done unless your husband reads this post...It wouldn't do much good to for you to try to convince him because he seems to be under the thumb of his brother. He needs to grow up himself and become the head of the household. He can't do that in his brother's house.

I guess the best you can do under this circumstance is remember that the bible even tells slaves to obey their masters well in order to show Christ in their lives. So until the Lord changes things you need to be as gracious as possible and pray that the Lord will work in your husband. It has nothing to do with your BIL and SIL.

Yes, good advice!!

kittykat1234 · May 7, 2004

Many thanks to all your posts! I have decided to live graciously in this.

Stephen: I'll be taking your advice into practice. You wouldn't believe how many times we've done this though! At least 3 or 4 times since we moved in. I went through couseling. I was hoping that it would help my husband and I, but he only attended 2 sesssions with me. My counselor adviced me that we should terminate the sessions because he thinks I did all I could. As for the rest of the gang, the start off wanting to have things diffirent but in the end it boild down to their standards and what they think is right.

I guess all I can really do (for my own sanity) is put in the Lord's hands and wait in him. Maybe he has a house waiting for us, I can only imagine and of course TRUST.

Thanks for all your help!

Can I get some opinions?

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