Breaking Point

Goobersmooch · Sep 8, 2006

Hey guys I'm getting to a breaking point again. I dont know if I posted it here but We've been having problems again. My Bank Account cc# was stolen at the end of july. we were about to finally catch up on 2 monthes of mortgage. The bank charged 200.00 in Overdraft charges. It took 2 weeks for us to get the 500.00 of charges back and the bank said they will not give us the other 200.00 We are having so many money problems because of all of this and i know in October when i go back to my psychiatrist my free meds will go bye bye and i cant afford anything else right now so i will probably have to go off my meds and im already on edge. i feel depressed, lonely and amazingly i can sleep a lot during the day because i just dont want to face my problems.allen says we will have to move because the mortgage went up to 700.00 and we can barely afford the 500.00 it was before. Plus i have been ill all summer and now im coming down with a cold allen gave me. so now im miserable and have a stupid interview Monday. if im having a runny nose today i know it will be full blown by monday. why cant i get a break???? allen is always telling his sisters bad things about me. his sisters think hes some kind of saint because i never say anything to them or my family. i came home and there was an email he sent them that he cc'd me on where he was telling them i wasnt trying to get a job(which was a lie. I was just taking a break to go to my family reunion. I got to go free because of my mom and grandpa.) and then he told them i am a bad housekeeper.(Funny the house wasn't a tornado site when i left last wednesdy!)They know i have a bad driving record, they know of my suicide attempts, we got a letter back in january when we asked for money help from his sister Janice who hates me, it said to allen"Allen I expect more from you...your a Yoder.' basically calling me white trash. She hates me so much already and he is always trying to get her sympathy by telling her things i do wrong. Did i call her in May when he bought the 800.00 mini macantosh? He sold a bunch of things we owned(yes most of them were his but we are married) we needed the money for our bills and he hid the money until he got the whole amount of 800.00 to go get a new computer(btw, there is nothing wrong with his ibm...he just wants a mini mac.)I told him no and his answer was well it was my stuff i sold. I said what about our bills? he said well im expecting 600.00 for something else i sold. I said what about next month...if we dont get a job we could use the 800.00 then. another thing is since he hid the money and lied to me about not having money i did not even get a birthday cake for my birthday because i thought we were broke.he got a mini mac for my birthday and i got nothing.but did i tell his family??? no. theres so much more hes done to me that i have never told his family about but he has no respect for me hell even go behind my back to my family and talk about me. in fact it's almost like my mom and my husband are the parents and im the child.I just want to disappear. no matter what it takes. im about to go over the edge, literally. everyone feels sorry for poor allen for my attemot in March but they have no clue that raping me was what sent me over the edge. everyone continues to be so angry at me.i was screaming for attention and was never heard.i guess what i have to do now is just grin and bear it right?who cares that i feel like dying inside.

COVINABP · Sep 9, 2006

Goobersmooch, I care, it hurts my heart to hear your situation. I wish I could be more like you, in the way that you are not out to "settle the score" that is a real gift.

God is there for you, all day & night, something that the pastor @ our church has preached on recently, is giving to the church (not saying you need to give more or anything, it holds some valid points though, in this story) Ed told us how that when we give to god, even when our finances don't allow for it God will bless us, of course I gave what I felt led to give, later I thought wow, God is going to bless our bank account & we'll have tons of cash, then Ed clairified, when he said God would bless us, it doesn't mean in the same way we gave, but in our life in genral, and very specific ways. I guess I am trying to say be strong sister, God will bless you, just put your faith in him in this trying time, I know thats hard, but remember, faith is believing, BEFORE recieving, just as athiest all say, I would believe if God came to me & bla bla bla, but then, what "faith must you have, right? (I am not doubting your faith, want to make that clear, just reminding you to keep you chin up in the hard times, "this too shall pass"),

I'm sorry, I may just be reading this wrong, but did I catch Allen raped you in march? regardless if that is true or if I missunderstood, I would highly recomend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and your reading this book, and perhaps following some of these teachings might help bring your marraige closer together, as it sounds like you need that too, the fact is, we all need to have a growing marraige, because the alternative is a dying marraige, and that is the reason I am separated today.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I really can sympothise with you, in more ways than I can begin to explain, My prayers are with you & your husband & family, God Bless

William

wonderwaleye · Sep 9, 2006

Dear Gooberssmooch

I can feel your pain.

I believe what I would do in that situation is give myself completely to GOD, put away thoughts of your husband, family, and money and just let things fall where they may knowing it is ONLY GOD and YOUR SOUL that matters.

In body you are there but in mind you are with GOD!!!
I see it as your ONLY choice. I hope I'm wrong but until LIGHT comes into your life that is the way it has to be.

PRAISE GOD EVERY SECOND YOU CAN AND REMEMBER:

X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

Alive again · Sep 9, 2006

goobersmooch, yes I remember you sharing some of this situation before. It breaks my heart that this is all still swirling aroudn you and dragging you down. Dearheart, we care here and will coontinue to lift you in prayer. You are a treasure to us and to God. May GOd pour out His Holy SPirit to you and giv eyou peace and clear thinking admist this storm!!!

Goobersmooch · Sep 9, 2006

COVINABP said:
Goobersmooch, I care, it hurts my heart to hear your situation. I wish I could be more like you, in the way that you are not out to "settle the score" that is a real gift.

God is there for you, all day & night, something that the pastor @ our church has preached on recently, is giving to the church (not saying you need to give more or anything, it holds some valid points though, in this story) Ed told us how that when we give to god, even when our finances don't allow for it God will bless us, of course I gave what I felt led to give, later I thought wow, God is going to bless our bank account & we'll have tons of cash, then Ed clairified, when he said God would bless us, it doesn't mean in the same way we gave, but in our life in genral, and very specific ways. I guess I am trying to say be strong sister, God will bless you, just put your faith in him in this trying time, I know thats hard, but remember, faith is believing, BEFORE recieving, just as athiest all say, I would believe if God came to me & bla bla bla, but then, what "faith must you have, right? (I am not doubting your faith, want to make that clear, just reminding you to keep you chin up in the hard times, "this too shall pass"),

I'm sorry, I may just be reading this wrong, but did I catch Allen raped you in march? regardless if that is true or if I missunderstood, I would highly recomend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and your reading this book, and perhaps following some of these teachings might help bring your marraige closer together, as it sounds like you need that too, the fact is, we all need to have a growing marraige, because the alternative is a dying marraige, and that is the reason I am separated today.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I really can sympothise with you, in more ways than I can begin to explain, My prayers are with you & your husband & family, God Bless

William

Well I really have in the past been good about faith. Especially this year. When Allen was freaked out about all of our problems i just told him to trust God like I was and month after month he provided for us more than we ever deserved. my faith started back in 2001 when i was in a serious car wreck. All i got was a concusion and whip lash. my dad and his gf both decided we all needed to go to a lawyer instead of just dealing with the insurance company ourselves. I had never been in a car wreck so this was new to me. The woman must have been high or something because not only did she run a red light she went around cars that were stopped at this light to run it and smashed right into us. This whole thing had me so confused i wasn't clear enough and went with what my dad said to do. The lawyer told me he wanted me to go to his special clinic. I told him i would go to my doctor becausei felt more comfortable with him. I asked my doctor if i should go to this clinic for treatments like the lawyer suggested and my doctor said no. just take the medications im prescribing that lawyer just wants to milk money out of the insurance company. So i told the lawyer this and he got mad and said that he would only work to get my medical bills paid and i wouldnt get anymore than that probably. I said to him that I would get what God wants me to have and when he wants me to have it and that is all that matters to me. Well the lawyer called back monthes later and said to his surprise i got all my bills paid and i would get 2000 dollars more for pain and suffering. he was shocked i was not. i told him God must have really wanted me to have more because you didnt do anything. btw, it came at a time where i needed it the most to pay my mortgage that i was behind on! to tell you the truth i dont know why all of a sudden im having problems with my faith.i guess im just tired of always being in money trouble. I know im bad at money and i wantt o change but i cant stop allen can i?

yes allen truly raped me in February. 2 days before valentines day. he does not believe it was rape but it was brutal. he does not remember me screaming at the top of my lungs and fighting him. dont ask me why he does not remember this but he doesn't. so whats the point of me continually thinking about it. it's called bitterness. drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. at least im not afraid to be in bed with him anymore. i've gotten past all those hang ups that come with it. all i wanted to do was get over it..all people would tell me to do is leave him. I've read that book allen and i did a bible study years ago about it. I'm not good about giving him service which is one of his recieving ones. Im not a good housekeeper so that doesn't help but im a very good touch which is another one of his. he loves to cuddle and so do i.he likes to recieve compliments but doesn't give them. i like to recieve them also but i do give them. allen is a very negative person and i have pretty much turned into one also. not as much as him but somewhat like him. anyways, thank you for your prayers. allen has given me access to my meds again and i was very suicidal last night. since he works the night shift it would have been really easy to just take all my sleeping pills and go to sleep for good. I know thats not good but i didnt do it. i just took my cold medicine and went to bed. i hate being sick.

Goobersmooch · Sep 9, 2006

thank you all for your prayers and kind words. im still frustrated but im doing better today. It means a lot to me knowing i can come here and let my problemas out and you all don't judge me and you care so much about me. It's like a safe haven for me to go to when the world is crashing down on me.

I had a dream last night that Satan was trying to pull me into hell with him. God was trying to protect me but when i stepped out of his light satan would grab me and start pulling me towards the darkness. It was so scary. Each time God was able to pull me back out. I'm greatful for that. Well i need to go my head feels like death warmed over. I hate colds!

walshclan · Sep 9, 2006

Goobersmooch said:
thank you all for your prayers and kind words. im still frustrated but im doing better today. It means a lot to me knowing i can come here and let my problemas out and you all don't judge me and you care so much about me. It's like a safe haven for me to go to when the world is crashing down on me.

I had a dream last night that Satan was trying to pull me into hell with him. God was trying to protect me but when i stepped out of his light satan would grab me and start pulling me towards the darkness. It was so scary. Each time God was able to pull me back out. I'm greatful for that. Well i need to go my head feels like death warmed over. I hate colds!

Oh Goobersmooch, I'm so sorry that you are having all these problems. I can see what a caring person you are and what a loving spouse you've been trying to be. God will bless you for that. Pray for strength and I will pray for you also.

Heavenly Father we want to pray for Goobersmooch today who has been through so much in the last year. We pray that you give her strength to handle each new day. We also pray that all of their money problems be taken care of. But God we most importantly pray for their marriage, we pray a healing over their marriage that any past hurts be healed and all mistrusts be forgotten and all be forgiven. We pray that they treat each other as Christ treated us...with ultimate sacrifice. In Jesus' name we pray.

Connie

Goobersmooch · Sep 10, 2006

I had a fight with my mom tonight. I'm feeling worse. All the disapproving looks she has been given me, the non-exsistant time spent on the phone. the way she treated me last weekend. I'm feeling so sick of myself and tired of all of it. The only good thing that happened tonight is i cried into Allen's arms and he listened to me and he talked to me. It's the first time he's ever done that. Anyways, sorry im always venting on here. I'm fighting away suicidal thoughts tonight. Last month Allen opened my meds box so it's not locked up. I didnt want him to know i was suicidal when he left because then he would have made me go to my dads. i dont want to get anyone ill. im going to bed before i do something destructive.

berry2000 · Sep 10, 2006

Hugs to you goober. I posted some in the prayer request section. But from your post here I can tell for sure you are battling a serious clinical depression. You need to call your doctor and have your meds adjusted. I know from experience that this is not the time to worry about how much med's cost and such. You need them so God will provide a way for them. I tell you that with confidence that your Lord and Saviour is going to provide for your financial needs. Perhaps not in the way you are expecting. But set aside financial concerns until you are more well it will only compound the anxiety and depression. It seems there is no way out but that is a lie you will make it out and see sunnier days. Just take it minute by minute and try not to think even about tomorrow....it has enoug worries of it's own.

Praying for you and thinking of you.

-Meredith

berry2000 · Sep 10, 2006

P.S. If you are not feeling safe please call a friend or relative to come and stay with you, call your therapist or doctor or call a crisis hotline such as 911 or 1-800-sui-cide. Please stay safe!

Alive again · Sep 10, 2006

berry2000 said:
P.S. If you are not feeling safe please call a friend or relative to come and stay with you, call your therapist or doctor or call a crisis hotline such as 911 or 1-800-sui-cide. Please stay safe!

AMEN! Yes, it is time to call your doctor for help. I know I have been amazed at the difference in my thoughts about the relationships in my life with the proper medication. I spent many years in bitterness about my marriage. The right meds and counseling have helped tremendously. And btw, I am not the greatest housekeeper and it has been since Feb for my hubby and me, and yet we still manage without harming each other. God loves you, goobersmooch, more than you can ever imamgine, you are His princess, precious beyond measure, a daughter, forgiven and totally acceptable! Please take care of yourself, we love you here!!!

angelkiss · Sep 10, 2006

Goobersmooch, we all love you so much here, and I think it is of best interest to seek help before things get worse. You really have to think of what's in your best interest and I know that sometimes it's hard to take that step, but you can't keep fighting this on your own.
We're all here for you are in our prayers!
's and es!!

Goobersmooch · Sep 11, 2006

Thank you guys for you loving advice. Right now to survive i have to fight this on my own and not reach out for help. if i do my husband will lose it i know he will. he is hanging by a thread because of all of the stress and i know he needs my support and not my falling apart. for some reason i am starting to think about the rape again. i had a convo with my mom today and told her how much it hurt me that after allen raped me and i called her(She was the first one i called) her response to me was i understand why he did it. As the abused little girl who was constantly told by my mom to just get in bed with my father i for once wanted to be told that she was going to get in her car and come get her child out of the house from that monster. i didnt hear those words. she told me today that she realizes that it came out wrong. she knew what kind of pressure allen was in and why it happened and she was not saying it was right. im trying not to bring the rape thing up in my mind because allen probably doesnt think about it anymore...after all he didnt even know he did anything wrong then. i went to see the World Trade Center movie tonight. i didnt want to because i have been so emotional about that tragedy. allen wanted to go see it.it really bothered me so much. All of that hate those people felt that they would kill people they never even knew just because they felt they had the right to. I thought i would cry through the whole thing but i actually just shook most of the time and felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. When the charachter Nicolas Cage played I think his name was John Mclaughlin said to his wife at the end,"You kept me alive" I started crying. Those poor people who were trapped under there who were trying so hard to live and never made it out of there. What about there stories. All the missing people on the walls of NY. My life means nothing.....but theirs did. They had children to raise. I will never have children. I know it's been five years since the tragedy but i still think it was too soon to make a film about it. i also think hollywood feels they can make money off of tragedies and that is wrong. i really wish i hadn't gone. the statistics said that only 20 people made it out of the building alive. WHY? They did not deserve this...noone does.hate is so awful...it breeds so much more hate. this world is too much for me sometimes. im going to stop venting now. im sorry.

walshclan · Sep 11, 2006

Goobersmooch said:
Thank you guys for you loving advice. Right now to survive i have to fight this on my own and not reach out for help. if i do my husband will lose it i know he will. he is hanging by a thread because of all of the stress and i know he needs my support and not my falling apart. for some reason i am starting to think about the rape again. i had a convo with my mom today and told her how much it hurt me that after allen raped me and i called her(She was the first one i called) her response to me was i understand why he did it. As the abused little girl who was constantly told by my mom to just get in bed with my father i for once wanted to be told that she was going to get in her car and come get her child out of the house from that monster. i didnt hear those words. she told me today that she realizes that it came out wrong. she knew what kind of pressure allen was in and why it happened and she was not saying it was right. im trying not to bring the rape thing up in my mind because allen probably doesnt think about it anymore...after all he didnt even know he did anything wrong then. i went to see the World Trade Center movie tonight. i didnt want to because i have been so emotional about that tragedy. allen wanted to go see it.it really bothered me so much. All of that hate those people felt that they would kill people they never even knew just because they felt they had the right to. I thought i would cry through the whole thing but i actually just shook most of the time and felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. When the charachter Nicolas Cage played I think his name was John Mclaughlin said to his wife at the end,"You kept me alive" I started crying. Those poor people who were trapped under there who were trying so hard to live and never made it out of there. What about there stories. All the missing people on the walls of NY. My life means nothing.....but theirs did. They had children to raise. I will never have children. I know it's been five years since the tragedy but i still think it was too soon to make a film about it. i also think hollywood feels they can make money off of tragedies and that is wrong. i really wish i hadn't gone. the statistics said that only 20 people made it out of the building alive. WHY? They did not deserve this...noone does.hate is so awful...it breeds so much more hate. this world is too much for me sometimes. im going to stop venting now. im sorry.

Don't be sorry Goobersmooch. We want to hear you talk. I am so sorry your mother let you down over and over again, it is unspeakable.I think what Allen did to you was heinous and if you are living your life in fear of that event happening again you need to question whether you are in a safe environment. God doesn't want us in unsafe environments. Can you talk to your minister and find a safe place to live until you feel safe around Allen again. This will also give you a chance to get some treatment for you suicide thinking.

Connie

berry2000 · Sep 11, 2006

There you are my friend. I was looking for you yesterday. I too am having a ton of trouble with all the 9/11 stuff and was watching some made for tv movie last night. It is emotionally exhausting and also I am mourning about my DAd he died Sept 8th it was a long time ago but it still hurts around that time.

I still think you should really consider calling in professional help regardless of what hubby thinks. He is not inside your head. I had to call 911 on myself last year about this time because my hubby was of no help actually he was making it worse telling me I couldn't go in the hospital a second time. But I knew it was either an attempt or I go against his wishes and get the help I needed. He is/was fine with it after the initial shock. It is your life you have to decide for youself. Still praying for you. Don't let this linger on too long please!

Goobersmooch · Sep 11, 2006

I am not worried about Allen raping me again. I have not got fear of him. I am having bitter feelings towards him. It's not right. I ask him to let go of his bitterness towards me for attempting suicide and i can't let go of my bitterness for the rape. Today was frustrating and i have been getting very little sleep because of my dreams. I can't explain it really it's just not a good time for me. I'm being so negative towards everything and im not the positive happy Melanie that everyone wants me to be. This is about the time I isolate myself from everyone so they don't have to suffer.

I watched this show tonight called Celebrity Fit club tonight and there is a woman on there who complains and makes excuses all the time about why she is not doing well. In reality she is not trying. When she backed down a couple of weeks ago because the workout was to much for her..she said she was worried about her heart and didn't think she could do the work outs. Well they had a doctor check her out. I was already seeing a mirror in front of me. When I go to my TOPS meetings(Weight loss group) I am very encouraging to everyone else that they can do it but when it comes to me I say no way! i can not change that. Tonight instead of saying it out loud to the group i kept it to myself they dont need to constantly hear me and my excuses. anyways back to the show. she hadn't been taking her diabetes medicine or blood pressure medicine for 2 weeks. The doctor told her she could easily die or go into a diabetic coma without taking her medicine. I LAUGHED! You know why?? because i have 4 medications that i should be on right now and for more than a year now i haven't been on them but for 2 monthes straight. Insulin, Blood pressure medicine, kidneys, cholestrol. You know what my tri-glycerides were in January? 800! they came down from 1000 last year.I dont have insurance so i dont take anything. i also dont qualify for any programs but amazingly enough i am not dead OR in a diabetic coma. Dumb doctors....i know what your going to say this is a cause of depression as well. Diabetes that is...It probably wouldn't be so bad if i was actually willing to stick to a diet but i love food and cokes(hate diet anything) so i struggle with that too. the point is i saw her and i felt sorry for her because they were all attacking her and she was screaming for help deep down inside. she is in so much pain and i really know what she is going through. im not going to complain anymore. I saw how unflattering that can be so I will deal with this somehow on my own. im so glad 9-11 is almost over. thank you guys for praying for me. I am so thankful for this board. I will always appreciate the friends i have made her.

I will pray for all of you to be blessed for your hearts.

Melanie

COVINABP · Sep 12, 2006

Oh Melanie,

I am so sorry to hear how bad things are, you are in my prayers, I feel all the same things you do, food is one of my best friends (pepsi is my drink-6-18 a day!) I find this a big struggle, I have just lost over 60lbs, I feel/felt great, able to run & play with my daughter, but NOW, I am on a new med, that causes people to put on 30% of their weight, so I lost 63lb, I weigh 250, 30%= 75lb! yeah! I will be only 12lb more than I started @ nine months ago! (sarcasim) I feel the effects already, I have to fight so hard to not order "fries with that" (always strong till they ask)

I am praying for you, I wish your husband could see how you need the meds, and its not like a new dress, you think you need (or whatever he may think you waist money on)

walshclan · Sep 12, 2006

Goobersmooch said:
I am not worried about Allen raping me again. I have not got fear of him. I am having bitter feelings towards him. It's not right. I ask him to let go of his bitterness towards me for attempting suicide and i can't let go of my bitterness for the rape. Today was frustrating and i have been getting very little sleep because of my dreams. I can't explain it really it's just not a good time for me. I'm being so negative towards everything and im not the positive happy Melanie that everyone wants me to be. This is about the time I isolate myself from everyone so they don't have to suffer.

I watched this show tonight called Celebrity Fit club tonight and there is a woman on there who complains and makes excuses all the time about why she is not doing well. In reality she is not trying. When she backed down a couple of weeks ago because the workout was to much for her..she said she was worried about her heart and didn't think she could do the work outs. Well they had a doctor check her out. I was already seeing a mirror in front of me. When I go to my TOPS meetings(Weight loss group) I am very encouraging to everyone else that they can do it but when it comes to me I say no way! i can not change that. Tonight instead of saying it out loud to the group i kept it to myself they dont need to constantly hear me and my excuses. anyways back to the show. she hadn't been taking her diabetes medicine or blood pressure medicine for 2 weeks. The doctor told her she could easily die or go into a diabetic coma without taking her medicine. I LAUGHED! You know why?? because i have 4 medications that i should be on right now and for more than a year now i haven't been on them but for 2 monthes straight. Insulin, Blood pressure medicine, kidneys, cholestrol. You know what my tri-glycerides were in January? 800! they came down from 1000 last year.I dont have insurance so i dont take anything. i also dont qualify for any programs but amazingly enough i am not dead OR in a diabetic coma. Dumb doctors....i know what your going to say this is a cause of depression as well. Diabetes that is...It probably wouldn't be so bad if i was actually willing to stick to a diet but i love food and cokes(hate diet anything) so i struggle with that too. the point is i saw her and i felt sorry for her because they were all attacking her and she was screaming for help deep down inside. she is in so much pain and i really know what she is going through. im not going to complain anymore. I saw how unflattering that can be so I will deal with this somehow on my own. im so glad 9-11 is almost over. thank you guys for praying for me. I am so thankful for this board. I will always appreciate the friends i have made her.

I will pray for all of you to be blessed for your hearts.

Melanie

Melanie:

I for certain do not see you as a complainer. I want to hear what you have to say. You need to talk about it. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and God loves everything about you. We think you are pretty darn wonderful too. Please don't compare yourself to that woman on that show. We don't see you that way.

About the diabetes, what do you think you could do that might help that you could manage? Maybe one less coke a day? Maybe we could start a diet thread on this forum? What do you think? What do you think you could manage? If you can't manage anything that's okay we love you anyway!!

Connie

Goobersmooch · Sep 13, 2006

walshclan said:
Melanie:

I for certain do not see you as a complainer. I want to hear what you have to say. You need to talk about it. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and God loves everything about you. We think you are pretty darn wonderful too. Please don't compare yourself to that woman on that show. We don't see you that way.

About the diabetes, what do you think you could do that might help that you could manage? Maybe one less coke a day? Maybe we could start a diet thread on this forum? What do you think? What do you think you could manage? If you can't manage anything that's okay we love you anyway!!

Connie

I have been strong enough in the past to not let myself have any cokes in the house. I only drink Tea with splenda and Crystal light or water. Allen was really strong about this. Then I would sneak in a coke here or there. When i would go out with family or friends i would drink cokes. he was wonderful about that and i guess even he got tired of asking me not to drink cokes.I think the only thing that will work is if i take it one day at a time. even one moment at a time. Today i saw a sign(from God literally) We were eating at Golden Coral and i was struggling with getting a coke or unsweet tea. The sign in front of me on the coke machine said "Drink Tea today for a healthy body" I was amazed...who says that about tea it would usually be water. I hate tap water so it was from God. So i got the unsweet tea and when i had to pass by the desert counter the chocoalte cake looked SO delicous. I so wanted it. I didn't. When i looked some more i did see chocoate chocolate chip cookies which i LOVe that were sugar free. Now i usually wont try that but i decided to and i liked it. so i got one cookie as my deset and it didn't affect my diabetes.The sad thing is I just feel it is too late for my body. I have done so much damage to it already with the sugar and all the suicide attempts(too many pills in my body from the one in 2003 that they weren't in time to get out of me.) I just don't know if there is really anything left to save on me.You know i go to a weight loss group...not to get support btw but because they keep me in office. im the co-leader right now. it never matters to me really if i gain or lose(well thats not true...if i lose i dont believe it and if i gain i celebrate by eating too much when i get home. i lost 30 pounds from June 2005 to February 2006 2005. Why? because i had to take the bus and train and walk 1/8 of a mile to work and home from bus stops. Not because i ate right...but because i HAD to walk. now after several weeks I did enjoy the walking and had a better attitude towards life. After i got fired in Feb of this year i have put on 27 of those pounds. i'm 3 pounds from where i was when i started out. i know it's my fault but you know how frustrating that can be? it was so nice to have such a better figure and my husband looked interested in me again. Whats sad about that is he is bigger than me by a lot. When he had tht stomach weight loss surgery in 2002 and lost 350 pounds I was there for him through it all. i just wanted to be healthy i didn't care about the looks. he got down to a size 38 in mens pants. AMAZING. He had an affair and he was always commenting on my 85 pounds i needed to lose to be the perfect size for my height. after losing his dad he gained almost all of it back he was 587 when he had the surgery he is now 485.he wont go to tops to try and lose weight because he is so ashamed. he was the International king for his weight loss at TOPS. he kept his weight off by riding his bike to and from work 10 miles each way. around a 13 mile lake on the week more than once. He trained for the hotter than He**. He rode the full 100 miles. he has achieved so much and instead of being proud of it he is ashamed that he gained it back. he cant help it. when his dad died he had to help take care of his mom so he couldnt ride his bike to work anymore. he had to be ready to help her if she needed it. she has dementia. i dont know how i got off on this subject really. i am so all over the place. i dont even know what my point is now. i appreciate so many people here saying they care about me. it really means a lot to me. if only you knew me. really...you wouldn't probably feel the same way you do now. im so tired of being this way. i just feel like giving up...i will obviously never change.

walshclan · Sep 13, 2006

Goobersmooch said:
I have been strong enough in the past to not let myself have any cokes in the house. I only drink Tea with splenda and Crystal light or water. Allen was really strong about this. Then I would sneak in a coke here or there. When i would go out with family or friends i would drink cokes. he was wonderful about that and i guess even he got tired of asking me not to drink cokes.I think the only thing that will work is if i take it one day at a time. even one moment at a time. Today i saw a sign(from God literally) We were eating at Golden Coral and i was struggling with getting a coke or unsweet tea. The sign in front of me on the coke machine said "Drink Tea today for a healthy body" I was amazed...who says that about tea it would usually be water. I hate tap water so it was from God. So i got the unsweet tea and when i had to pass by the desert counter the chocoalte cake looked SO delicous. I so wanted it. I didn't. When i looked some more i did see chocoate chocolate chip cookies which i LOVe that were sugar free. Now i usually wont try that but i decided to and i liked it. so i got one cookie as my deset and it didn't affect my diabetes.The sad thing is I just feel it is too late for my body. I have done so much damage to it already with the sugar and all the suicide attempts(too many pills in my body from the one in 2003 that they weren't in time to get out of me.) I just don't know if there is really anything left to save on me.You know i go to a weight loss group...not to get support btw but because they keep me in office. im the co-leader right now. it never matters to me really if i gain or lose(well thats not true...if i lose i dont believe it and if i gain i celebrate by eating too much when i get home. i lost 30 pounds from June 2005 to February 2006 2005. Why? because i had to take the bus and train and walk 1/8 of a mile to work and home from bus stops. Not because i ate right...but because i HAD to walk. now after several weeks I did enjoy the walking and had a better attitude towards life. After i got fired in Feb of this year i have put on 27 of those pounds. i'm 3 pounds from where i was when i started out. i know it's my fault but you know how frustrating that can be? it was so nice to have such a better figure and my husband looked interested in me again. Whats sad about that is he is bigger than me by a lot. When he had tht stomach weight loss surgery in 2002 and lost 350 pounds I was there for him through it all. i just wanted to be healthy i didn't care about the looks. he got down to a size 38 in mens pants. AMAZING. He had an affair and he was always commenting on my 85 pounds i needed to lose to be the perfect size for my height. after losing his dad he gained almost all of it back he was 587 when he had the surgery he is now 485.he wont go to tops to try and lose weight because he is so ashamed. he was the International king for his weight loss at TOPS. he kept his weight off by riding his bike to and from work 10 miles each way. around a 13 mile lake on the week more than once. He trained for the hotter than He**. He rode the full 100 miles. he has achieved so much and instead of being proud of it he is ashamed that he gained it back. he cant help it. when his dad died he had to help take care of his mom so he couldnt ride his bike to work anymore. he had to be ready to help her if she needed it. she has dementia. i dont know how i got off on this subject really. i am so all over the place. i dont even know what my point is now. i appreciate so many people here saying they care about me. it really means a lot to me. if only you knew me. really...you wouldn't probably feel the same way you do now. im so tired of being this way. i just feel like giving up...i will obviously never change.

Melanie:

You are doing so good. You did change, just today (or yesterday) with the tea and sugar free cookie. Good for you!!

That is something to be proud of. Every coke that you don't drink is a victory. Every piece of chocolate cake that you don't eat is a victory. We are so proud of you.

How are you feeling? Are you feeling okay today? We're praying for you.

Connie

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