Argh

els_bells · Feb 28, 2005

This weekend I went to visit my sister and my Mum. It should have been a great time but I had this constant fear over me of them finding out about my SI. I mean it is really unlikely that they would see anything cos i'm so careful but there was still this constant fear. It kind of ruined the weekend.
All weekend I felt I was wearing this mask of pretence that everything is fine, that I'm so happy and all that. When in reality I fall apart when I'm alone in my room here at uni.
When i first started SI one of the reasons I did it was because I could control it. I felt that I couldn't control what was going on inside, I couldn't control the internal pain but I could control how much I hurt myself. Now though i realise that it controls me. It takes over my thoughts, it determines what I wear, it ruins times like the weekend which should have been great. I hate it.
Just started meeting with some people from church for counselling. It is so painful. I've opened up to them in a way I've never done before-I've been honest with them. However it makes me feel so vunerable, suddenly my secrets are no longer secrets and I just feel really churned up. It hurts so much, old wounds are being opened and I know it has to happen for long term healing but the pain is just so strong right now. After every session so far I've gone home and hurt myself really badly, the one thing that I am trying to stop.
Had a student celebration last night at church. All through the worship I just wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't focus on God, I just wanted to feel pain. What's wrong with me? I don't want this to stop me from worshipping God but I don't seem to be able to focus on anything. It consumes my thoughts and I don't know how to stop it. I've tried receiting verses over myself when I start to think negative stuff about myself and it works for a while but the thoughts just come back as soon as I stop. Why can't I accept what God thinks about me? Why do I feel such hatred for myself? I want to experience Gods love but I can't.
Don't really know why I'm typing all this, just needed to vent a bit.

WhereareyouGod? · Feb 28, 2005

Hun, you can vent all you like, you can beat this. Try going home with someone after the meetings, so that you are not on your own, is there anyay you could do that? The worst bit will be when you first get home, if you get someone to come round just to keep you company, not to talk but just watch a film or whatever, that might help, idk though.

If you ever need me let me know, i know i am young but i can still help

Love n Hugs

Stay Smiling

Lizzie

Niamh · Feb 28, 2005

els_bells said:
When i first started SI one of the reasons I did it was because I could control it. I felt that I couldn't control what was going on inside, I couldn't control the internal pain but I could control how much I hurt myself. Now though i realise that it controls me. It takes over my thoughts, it determines what I wear, it ruins times like the weekend which should have been great. I hate it.

You have to realise that it doesn't control you. You control it. As hard as it may be, you can decide not to self SI. When you want to SI, remember that you are in control. You can choose not to SI.

Psalm 118:5-6 (New International Version

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and he answered by setting me free.

Ask God for help. You can be free from SI. It can be hard, but you can do it.

You'll be in my prayers

sparrow · Feb 28, 2005

Lots of *hugs* for Ella.
Don't expect recovery to be easy. It won't be. Recovery is so much more difficult than not doing anything about it and continuing along the road of self-destruction. I don't want to discourage you, because I know that you're strong, so I know you can do this. But it will be tough.
You've already made huge steps. I am so so proud of you.
You can always talk more with me about this on PM.
Love you sister, take care. xx

goldenviolet · Feb 28, 2005

els_bells

!! wow, you have alot going on.
it may be difficult at times, but this truely is a blessing! i'm proud of you for opening up to your spiritual family!!

Bevlina · Feb 28, 2005

And, I am proud of you too els! What a wonderful post! How many others feel like els?

hls · Feb 28, 2005

els_bells said:
This weekend I went to visit my sister and my Mum. It should have been a great time but I had this constant fear over me of them finding out about my SI. I mean it is really unlikely that they would see anything cos i'm so careful but there was still this constant fear. It kind of ruined the weekend.
All weekend I felt I was wearing this mask of pretence that everything is fine, that I'm so happy and all that. When in reality I fall apart when I'm alone in my room here at uni.
When i first started SI one of the reasons I did it was because I could control it. I felt that I couldn't control what was going on inside, I couldn't control the internal pain but I could control how much I hurt myself. Now though i realise that it controls me. It takes over my thoughts, it determines what I wear, it ruins times like the weekend which should have been great. I hate it.
Just started meeting with some people from church for counselling. It is so painful. I've opened up to them in a way I've never done before-I've been honest with them. However it makes me feel so vunerable, suddenly my secrets are no longer secrets and I just feel really churned up. It hurts so much, old wounds are being opened and I know it has to happen for long term healing but the pain is just so strong right now. After every session so far I've gone home and hurt myself really badly, the one thing that I am trying to stop.
Had a student celebration last night at church. All through the worship I just wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't focus on God, I just wanted to feel pain. What's wrong with me? I don't want this to stop me from worshipping God but I don't seem to be able to focus on anything. It consumes my thoughts and I don't know how to stop it. I've tried receiting verses over myself when I start to think negative stuff about myself and it works for a while but the thoughts just come back as soon as I stop. Why can't I accept what God thinks about me? Why do I feel such hatred for myself? I want to experience Gods love but I can't.
Don't really know why I'm typing all this, just needed to vent a bit.

I am really proud of you for being able to say all of this. I have struggled with SI for a couple of years and i am finally starting to get a little better with a lot of prayer and a lot of support from a few close friends. I have felt many of the things you have said as well and i just want you to know that you are not alone even though you may feel like it. God loves you so much. keep talking through things and God bless you.

katylees · Mar 1, 2005

I feel a bit like that too, its difficult *hugs*

els_bells · Mar 1, 2005

Thanks for all your support.
I've really mucked up today and now I feel so guilty and that makes me want to do it again. I had my reasons for doing it - i was so stressed with my work which i can't do and i've got an exam in 2 weeks and I don't have a clue, i'd also eaten too much and needed to punnish myself for that. I was thinking bad stuff too and so I deserved to be hurt.
Now the pain, both external and internal is immense but it is all my fault so I can't complain.
I've got to see the doctor in the morning and convince her again that I am not taking the anti-depressants, even though she wants me too, and I am not letting her refer me to a psychiatrist. I am meeting up with people from church to talk this through and at the moment that is all I can do, I can't talk about it with any one else.
I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster at the moment-of good days and bad days and highs and lows. I know that I should live by faith and what I believe to be true and not by feeling but that is just something i really struggle with.
I know that I have to perserve with sorting this out and that stopping is not going to be easy. I'm just scared about what I am doing to myself in the mean time cos it is getting worse and worse.
My head feels like such a mess, I can't think straight, ARGH

Bevlina · Mar 1, 2005

Honey, if you have been prescribed anti depressants, please do take them? These are designed to help you, to take away those ugly days of despair. And, they are supposed to help you.
I believe people never cut unless there is something desperately wrong in their life, or something tragic has occured and they want to punish themselves. And in todays world there are so many who do this.
Please take your medication? And, please, if Dr wants you to see a phsychiatrist, please see one? Dr knows what is best for you honey.

hls · Mar 1, 2005

i am sorry that you have had such a hard time lately. i just wanted to say that for me in my life that the meds have really helped. i think that for me it is trusting God to take my meds. i think God has blessed us to live in a time that we really do have these meds to help us. the meds don't do everything for us but they just help take the edge off. i have found that instead of feeling like i am hanging on by my fingertips it helps me feel like i am holding on by my whole hand. and then with God's help and strengh and the help of my support system i am able to do the rest.

goldenviolet · Mar 2, 2005

I've really mucked up today and now I feel so guilty and that makes me want to do it again

aaaaaawwwwww !! everything is all around this! it is ok you messed up. you are still learning. just re-group hun. prayer, meds, support, sleep, exersize, diet, whatever it is that works for you to make you feel your best... this is what we all do. everyone of us. i'm glad you came and told us about it... so you could hear that its ok...
we can get better and smarter each time we mess up ... so turn in over to the Father, and hold on to the things you are doing right. love, dee

els_bells · Mar 2, 2005

I'm not taking medication because I've taken it before and it didn't really help and I was stuck on it for 2 years, it made me put on weight too which i can't handle. Also it is just another thing I'll have to hide from my parents when I go home and I don't have the energy to do that, I'm already hiding so much from then. (and don't tell me to tell them because it is not going to happen).
I am not going to see a psychiatrist either. I saw one 3 years ago and it didn't help, I hated them and I felt judged and not taken seriously. My self harm was swept under the carpet, she just thought it was a stupid habit, just like everyone else. I know that a different psychiatrist may be different but I can't risk it. I can't cope with opening up on all this because it is so painful for someone just to reject it and dismiss the self harm like they did last time. I can't deal with that rejection again.

sparrow · Mar 2, 2005

*Gives Ella loads of hugs*

Recovery requires you to be quite vulnerable. I know how painful that is, I'm there right now. It seems like you've had a horrible amount of bad experiences with various counsellors, psychiatrists, whatever. I can totally understand why you'd never want to talk with anyone like that again.
Is there someone (your friend?) who could do some searching for you, and find someone professional who is worth your time? I know that would be asking a lot of them, but I also think there are people who would be willing to do that for you. My pastor did the searching and found me a really nice Christian counsellor... Someone who actually specialises in treating people who self injure.
You're from the UK... my counsellor is part of a UK Christian counselling organisation. Maybe you could find someone from there? Maybe talking with a qualified Christian would help you.
I know I'm just rambling off ideas here. Maybe I'm not being helpful. I think I really just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain but we will get through this. I know you can, Ella. I pray for you every night. God is not done with you yet. OK? He has plans for you.
Stay strong. I'm always here to chat if you need me.

goldenviolet · Mar 3, 2005

woohoo!!

anyway... ......

hey there! i just thought i'd pop by and say hi! and sparrow! what great ideas! els_bells... thankyou for the pm. here's some more from your cheer club... !!!

els_bells · Mar 5, 2005

I went again to meet the people from church this week, they are kind of counselling me. They made me talk a lot about my family, it was so hard, so painful. It made me realise a few things though which is good. It made me realise how much some things that were said/done affected me.
i seem so have come across a bit of a barrier though, forgiveness. There is a lot of stuff that I need to forgive my family for, and forgive myself for and ask for God's forgiveness for but I can't. I tried to say that I forgive my family for some stuff but I couldn't. I just couldn't say the words, like there was something within me stopping me. At the time my stomach felt in knots. I want to forgive my family but how do I know if I've really forgiven them? I mean I know I'm not going to forget what they have said/done but I know that you can forgive without forgetting but how?

Bevlina · Mar 5, 2005

Ella, you cannot forgive unless they ask you for forgiveness in an act of humility. Jesus stated this in Luke 17:3-4
Once they come to you and ask in a spirit of repentance, then, and only then can you forgive and forget.
And, I want you to read thoroughly 1 Corinthians 10:13.
It is good to talk about what has been done to hurt you to friends, to be able to open your heart and soul to them. I believe this is wonderful therapy.
What lovely people you have at your church! They are true Christians who care, and who are showing the gift of Love.

els_bells · Mar 7, 2005

I despair of myself sometimes. I hate what i am doing to myself yet i can't stop. Today I hurt myself yet I had no reason to. I don't understand what goes on inside my head at the moment-i SI even when I have absolutely no reason to, nothing made today a bad day yet i still hurt myself. I hate this so much and I am so angry at myself.
I'm trying, I really am to beat this, to stop. And I know i have to make choices, choices to leave my room when I want to SI, to ring someone, to distract myself. I want to make those choices yet I find myself not making those choices and SI anyway. What's going on? I'm trying but maybe i'm just not good enough to do it.

Bevlina · Mar 11, 2005

My Pet, don't be angry with yourself. You are suffering like so many young ladies, and men, in this world today. Millions. This too will pass with correct medication and proper food and rest. I think your mind may be a little tired. But, don't give in, be there for yourself, and above all. Love yourself.

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