Anger

cjba · Sep 23, 2006

I know it is normal to feel angry at times. How does one not let the anger change who you really are?

madison1101 · Sep 23, 2006

cjba said:
I know it is normal to feel angry at times. How does one not let the anger change who you really are?

Stay in the Word, and pray a lot. The more I filled myself with God's Word, and prayed for help coping, the less I felt angry.

I also got involved in moving on with my life. I went to grad school and got immersed in that. The more I studied and learned and got near my degree, the less I was angry.

But the most important thing is prayer and Bible study.

Hugs,
Trish

cjba · Sep 23, 2006

madison101,

I'm currently in a study and I do read the Bible and this does help.

These past couple of days I have had so much anger it surprised me. The love I had for my husband has turned into something else. I don't know how I feel about my husband any more.

madison1101 · Sep 23, 2006

cjba said:
madison101,

I'm currently in a study and I do read the Bible and this does help.

These past couple of days I have had so much anger it surprised me. The love I had for my husband has turned into something else. I don't know how I feel about my husband any more.

Anger is one of the stages of grief, which we all go through. Denial is also one. The deal is to not get stuck in any one particular stage, or it will cause you more grief than necessary. I journalled a lot through my grieving when I went through my divorce. I also cried. I have been in therapy, which helped me tremendously.

Hugs,
Trish

Autumnleaf · Sep 23, 2006

cjba said:
I know it is normal to feel angry at times. How does one not let the anger change who you really are?

You let it out before it destroys you inside.

cjba · Sep 23, 2006

I need to find a healthy way of releasing this new found anger I have inside. I may decide to go to counseling again.

Thanks for the help.

God Bless

Autumnleaf · Sep 23, 2006

cjba said:
I know it is normal to feel angry at times. How does one not let the anger change who you really are?

cjba said:
I need to find a healthy way of releasing this new found anger I have inside. I may decide to go to counseling again.

Thanks for the help.

God Bless

Stand your husband up against a wall when he is sober and scream in his face until you have had your say or until you lose your voice.

okiemommy26 · Sep 23, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
Stand your husband up against a wall when he is sober and scream in his face until you have had your say or until you lose your voice.

Don't you think that would cause more problems?

I think journaling is a great way to release the anger. If that doesn't help go punch some pillows or workout. Workingout helps me release it.

Autumnleaf · Sep 23, 2006

okiemommy26 said:
Don't you think that would cause more problems?

Obviously I don't.

You have less to fear from the man yelling at you venting than you do from the one quietly holding a grudge over a long period of time. Anyone remember Columbine or the recent preacher's wife or the lady who calmly drown five of her children.

Let the anger out. Shout the walls down in your marriage like the walls of Jericho went down.

madison1101 · Sep 23, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
Obviously I don't.

You have less to fear from the man yelling at you venting than you do from the one quietly holding a grudge over a long period of time. Anyone remember Columbine or the recent preacher's wife or the lady who calmly drown five of her children.

Let the anger out. Shout the walls down in your marriage like the walls of Jericho went down.

Yelling at anyone for any reason is totally inappropriate and unhealthy. Scripture says "Be angry but sin not." To yell at another human is just wrong. There are healthy ways to deal with anger, and that is why I recommended therapy for the OP.

Autumnleaf · Sep 23, 2006

madison1101 said:
Yelling at anyone for any reason is totally inappropriate and unhealthy. Scripture says "Be angry but sin not." To yell at another human is just wrong. There are healthy ways to deal with anger, and that is why I recommended therapy for the OP.

So if your child runs in the street and you yell at her while swatting her on the bottom, when you come to your senses are you going to sign up for therapy and anger management classes while getting a prescription for valium?

People are using solutions which aren't working to try and solve their problems. The results are predictable.

allthatisgone · Sep 23, 2006

Anger can change neone. Only love can heal you. But some forms of 'love' which is really all about the other person and not you, or a delusion, or their need in disguise, etc, of course will only serve to increase it or bring it back again. As it has in my case.

cjba · Sep 23, 2006

I guess you are right anger won't change you it is moments when a peson is angry.

I know I have to overcome this stage and move on to the next.

Thanks!

God Bless

madison1101 · Sep 23, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
So if your child runs in the street and you yell at her while swatting her on the bottom, when you come to your senses are you going to sign up for therapy and anger management classes while getting a prescription for valium?

People are using solutions which aren't working to try and solve their problems. The results are predictable.

Yelling at someone to protect them from danger is entirely different than yelling at a spouse when angry. If you cannot see that, then you need therapy too.

madison1101 · Sep 23, 2006

cjba said:
I guess you are right anger won't change you it is moments when a peson is angry.

I know I have to overcome this stage and move on to the next.

Thanks!

God Bless

Anger is not sinful and does not have to be overcome, but worked through in a healthy, safe way. Healthy ways include journaling and therapy. There is a support ministry for people going through divorce called "Divorce Care." It offers group support and videos to work through the different issues that come up in a divorce.

The different stages of grief do not need to be overcome but worked through. It is okay to acknowledge your anger and identify the source(s). It is okay to state that you are angry and why. If you are telling the person you are angry with about it, you should really use "I) statements. "When you do __________, I feel angry, because _______________." Don't accuse, just calmly state what is wrong and why. Using "I" statements is the best way to assert yourself and not sin in your anger.

Good luck.

Hugs,
Trish

cjba · Sep 23, 2006

Thanks Trish!

I actually started Divorce Care 2 weeks ago. It has been helpful. This is what made me acknowledge the anger I am feeling now.

It was very helpful participating with a group of people who have been through it or are going through the same thing. This is exactly what I needed. Other people don't understand the stages we go through. They just tell you to move on with your life and forget about him. It is not that easy. Especially after so many years being married. We would of been married for 21 years next month. I guess we still will be. But on paper it has our legal separation date as of Jan. 19th. So I don't know what to call the day we got married any more.

Thanks for the support.

AirForceTeacher · Sep 24, 2006

Accept that you're angry. Then decide what you need to move on - as long as it doesn't depend upon anyine changeing except you, because you can't effect any change except your own.

jessesgirl · Sep 24, 2006

Lisa-
I think that being angry is natural during the divorce process. I konw of several times that I was just furious at my ex husband when I went through my divorce (and I hadn't seen him in months). I dealt with it (like someone above mentioned) by working on moving on with my life. I got involved at church, I made new friends and most importantly, I stayed in the word. I also found it really helpful to talk about it, so I think that the step you took to get back into counseling was A GREAT step! Prayin for ya and love ya sis

Autumnleaf · Sep 24, 2006

allthatisgone said:
Anger can change neone. Only love can heal you. But some forms of 'love' which is really all about the other person and not you, or a delusion, or their need in disguise, etc, of course will only serve to increase it or bring it back again. As it has in my case.

Then why did Jesus get mad and flip over the table of the money changers in the temple? Why did God get mad at almost everyone at one time or another in OT? He turned lot's wife into a pillar of salt. There is a place for righteous anger, or do you suspect Jesus and God could have used a healthy dose of prozac to be more agreeable to the things around them they didn't like?

Autumnleaf · Sep 24, 2006

madison1101 said:
Yelling at someone to protect them from danger is entirely different than yelling at a spouse when angry. If you cannot see that, then you need therapy too.

How is yelling at a child when she's out of traffic protecting her from danger? The danger is passed by then. Yelling is a strong emotion which makes an impression in the mind. If a spouse does you wrong and you calmly say, 'I'm mad about blah blah blah.' It makes a different impression than saying, 'You dirty stinking... If I'd have known you were a no good lying... I never would have married your sorry...'

Now using the first choice is a good way to get a spouse to politley disregard you while the second is going to get their attention which may motivate them to change their evil ways. Of course everyone is different but I find judicious use of strong emotion very powerful in maintaining a healthy marriage.

It works the other way too. I tell my wife I love her several times every day and give her a quick kiss. But sometimes I'll say something like I love you so much baby!, and give her a deep kiss.

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