Hello everyone,
This is my first post here, so apologies for whether I use the correct terminology (or not)...
Apologies but this is a bit long, but I guess relevant to give a jist of my journey thus far...
From about the age of 15 I felt a strong inner sense of deep-rooted faith and belief in Christ and my weekly attendance at Eucharist really fired me up for the week ahead; indeed receiving the sacrament made me feel "whole".
Over the intervening 22 years since then a lot has happened. I have had two very violent marriages (one of my former husbands actually locking me in the house so that I could not attend Church). I was actually voted by the Parish Church Council to be a Leader for a recently planted Church's "Footsteps Into Faith" programme which I was willing to donate my spare time to. My then husband (who is not a churchgoer at all) said that I was not worthy and stood by my side as I made that telephone call to the Vicar to say that I had to decline the place. Much violence ensued in that marriage and it ended in early 2003.
I have also had two stillbirths (1992 and 2000) and a very hard time since my second divorce in 2003 due to such an intensive level of acrimony from my second husband. I am now remarried and have a wonderful husband. He supports my faith, even though he is not a churchgoer. He accepts totally my need for God in my life and "leaves me to it" as he sees the emotional and psychological nourishment my faith gives me.
We also have a son who is almost 4. I have two daughters to my second husband (the one who would lock me in the home) and they have recently decided to go and live with him. One of my stillbirths was due to a very rare but fatal renal anomaly in 2000. My son would be 9 this 14 Jan. Part of the cathartic process of dealing with my grieving was to study counselling, and I now coach parents faced with the terminal prognosis of their child to the same condition my son had.
Throughout all of the above, the personal and emotional challenges I have had to deal with, my faith has always been there even when I have been angry with God at my predicaments.
In late 2007 I spoke to my Priest In Charge about my sense of calling and we had a series of discussions at my home with my husband. I was due to have a report undertaken for her to send to the Director of Ordinands about having an audience with him to discuss my calling in further detail.
However, since that time, I have also spoken with some of my friends, a couple of which are currently going through the ordination process to become deacon. They have frowned on me as I am a married divorcee on my third marriage. They said that I would not be accepted by the Church at all and that I would be wasting my time. This really rocked my confidence, my self-esteem and my morale plummeted to an all-time low.
The voice, however, keeps echoing in my head...
Despite having a rather contented career, home life and lovely husband, I still feel incomplete. I feel that I am being drawn to ministerial work (I have a particularly strong desire to work in chaplaincy, given my stillbirth experiences and my listening capacity with my counselling work) in addition to administering the Eucharist, youth work, prayer meetings and outreach work, getting involved with steering committee work with other local groups, schools and organisations... in other words, becoming a Curate/Priest.
I am scared stiff, though... will I be rejected? Will I be frowned upon as my "friends" forecast?
Do I ignore the voice in my head and continue with my life, family and career or seek out whatever it is this voice may be asking of me?
To have survived what life has thrown at me so far has been difficult enough, and to be faced with the prospect of having my life micro-analysed over and over during the audience process petrifies me. I have nothing to hide and have dealt with any issues I faced, therefore I have no emotional baggage. The thought of peeling back the layers and leaving my whole essence exposed per se to all and sundry to be scrutinised, adjudicated and accepted or rejected fills me with dread.
I'd love some thoughts from members - what on earth should I do?
Thank you in anticipation for your responses.