Age Difference and Relationships?

Kaylynn · Jan 14, 2004

A lady I used to babysit for...she and her husband have 20 years difference in their ages. She was 28 and he was 48. They are very happy though, have 3 children and she's trying for a 4th.

As for me, 5-8 years older is my limit...I'm uneasy about dating someone younger than me though...

Donny_B · Jan 14, 2004

I believe age difference depends on the individuals. Ideally, less than a 5-year difference would be the best. But if you are attracted to one another in every other way, with common values, interests, likes and dislikes, then an age difference of as much as 20 years should not be an issue.

KeilCoppes · Jan 14, 2004

Ok, now it's time to stir the pot a bit.

I live in the city and there are many people around (though it's difficult to meet committed christians). In my city alone there are on the order of 3 to 4 million people - many people around. However, this is not true everywhere. There are only on the order of 3 million people in some states in the US, and only on the order of about 40000 in the whole county, and less than 2000 in some towns. In these places there aren't many people around to speak of.

NEW QUESTION:

Does it make a difference to the allowable age ranges if there are very few single people (particularly Christians) around?

charligirl · Jan 14, 2004

KeilCoppes said:
NEW QUESTION:

Does it make a difference to the allowable age ranges if there are very few single people (particularly Christians) around?

I don't think it makes a jot of difference tbh, it still comes down to the individuals involved.

stubbornkelly · Jan 14, 2004

I voted for all of the last four options. I wouldn't put an age "limit" on it, but would look instead at the quality of the match.

vibrant · Jan 14, 2004

i'd feel uncomfortable if he was at a radically different stage in his life, regardless of age.

even a few years can make a difference.

ex. he's doing his phd in optic engineering, and i'm an arts ungrad. i see money, circle of friends, and lifestyle in general as major stumbling points. i faced that situation once, and i had to tell the guy that i couldn't continue since i felt out of his league.

i would want to grow at the same time with him, and not feel as though i'm catching up.

ideally, but if that's not what the Lord wants, then what say do i have.

KeilCoppes · Jan 14, 2004

There seem to be a couple of stages of life, although there can be circles that cross more than one. Maybe

1) intra college, with it probably being a good idea to get settled down as a freshman first, keeping the age close in

2) post college up through 25 - somehow there's a lot of getting used to life past college there (though kids can make you grow up a lot faster if you have them) - the workable age range expands a bit during this phase

3) late 20s through mid thirties range - ...

?

and beyond there I don't even have a guess - I haven't been that old yet. A lot of this has to do with priorities - first college, then the first job and settling in, and then getting set up in career.

And yet in all of this, the exceptions would seem to be where the two share some common interest they can share as equals and where their values and priorities come out the same - there can be no partnership without common ground and common goals.

For example, I asked my mom a few years ago what I was like when I was younger (not that I was ready to marry then) . Her reply? Shorter. I was concerned about responsibility as a child (though I still watch saturday morning cartoons - no, I'm not a big kid). Who I am has stayed fundamentally the same, and that echoes in other people. I would probably sync with someone that had some of the same fundamental qualities, even if they were younger, as I always hung out with older folks.

Perhaps it's the idea that when you find someone who may be it, there's a recognition that who they are is on the same basis of who you are - a connection?

-kc

----------
(Just don't connect _too_ easily on just anything - over the years it takes work to stay connected and to build new connections - one of the fundamental qualities no matter what needs to be commitment not just to a dream, but to making the relationship that God has given work, no matter the cost).

Donny_B · Jan 15, 2004

I tend to be mistaken by many for much younger than I really am, especially since I have lost weight this year. As far as dating is concerned, this brings about the question of truth about age. Women tend to want to hide their age especially, but this is also true of many men. 25 to 34 seems to be the ideal age. Some say that men age better than women. As gray hairs become more and more numerous, should you hide the gray? I guess it depends on if you are a man or woman.

Some Hollywood actresses whose looks defy their age..it's hard to believe are over 40: Demi Moore, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sharon Stone, Heather Locklear, Sarah Jessica Parker....and I am sure the women on this thread can come up with some male names?

Inspired · Jan 15, 2004

I think it depends both on how old you are and the culture.
15 years is not alot between two people who are 30 and 45, but a huge deal between two people who are 15 and 30, one has alot of catching up to do.

KeilCoppes · Jan 15, 2004

Donny_B said:
Some say that men age better than women. As gray hairs become more and more numerous, should you hide the gray? I guess it depends on if you are a man or woman.

Just don't do the greecian formula thing - it's a matter of denial! It's the personality that stays young - wear the gray with pride and get to the gym!

Worst case you can just skip the whole issue and shave everything off, including the gray. If you're thinning, get a crew cut ASAP. Personally, I don't recommend this for women.

-kc

--------
"I got a crew cut and the crew bailed out!" - Lloyd Coppes, adopted paternal grandfather

Ebb · Jan 16, 2004

Speaking of aging, it should be noted that "good, clean, Christian living" is condusive to fighting the effects of aging. On the other hand, if you live a dangerous lifestyle, this can contribute to premature aging as well as medical problems. Alcoholics tend to wrinkle much faster as it causes dehydration as well as liver problems. It has also been shown that smoking can produce pre-mature wrinkles by robbing the body of oxygen.

wvmtnkid · Jan 27, 2004

Hmmmm....I have had reason to think about this question again lately. I have taken a look at some of the couples around me and their age difference. I had first said 5 years or less. I think I want to change my answer to it depends on the individual and the place in life you are in. I suppose it is wrong to limit a potential "good match" on age. I think if both are in the same place mentally and spiritually, then age really wouldn't, or shouldn't, be a problem. Assuming it's legal, that is!

KeilCoppes · Jan 28, 2004

wvmtnkid said:
Assuming it's legal, that is!

True!

(Though beware, there are some parents who start hinting at marrying them off at 16! Don't laugh - I met some when I was in my mid-twenties and was quite a bit taken aback!)

-kc

-----
"Q. 2. What rule hath God given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
"A. The word of God, which is contained in the scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, is the only rule to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him. " - WSC

fishstix · Jan 28, 2004

KeilCoppes said:
Ok, now it's time to stir the pot a bit.

I live in the city and there are many people around (though it's difficult to meet committed christians). In my city alone there are on the order of 3 to 4 million people - many people around. However, this is not true everywhere. There are only on the order of 3 million people in some states in the US, and only on the order of about 40000 in the whole county, and less than 2000 in some towns. In these places there aren't many people around to speak of.

NEW QUESTION:

Does it make a difference to the allowable age ranges if there are very few single people (particularly Christians) around?

I don't think that changes things. The town nearest where I grew up has a population of under 25 people. Almost everyone who dates there does so with someone out of town. Surrounding towns have populations up to a few hundred people, with the nearest larger city (population 5000) about a half hour's drive away. And here's what I have to say about age differences: I think it depends on the age of of the people involved. For example, a 5 year difference is no big deal for two people in their 30's or 40's, but for a couple where one or both are teenagers, it is huge. For someone my age, I think a 4 year or less difference is probably ideal. Of course, I know there are sometimes exceptions to that.

wvmtnkid · Jan 28, 2004

KeilCoppes said:
True!

(Though beware, there are some parents who start hinting at marrying them off at 16! Don't laugh - I met some when I was in my mid-twenties and was quite a bit taken aback!)

-kc

Yikes! The term "jail bait" comes to mind......

Onwardclimb · Jan 28, 2004

Honestly guys, to me it doesn't matter if its a couple of adults or children. People doN'T magically all get the same maturity upon reaching the age of 18!!!!!!! There's naivete' and immaturity with youth and as you age, normally you put aside little by little that naivete' and immaturity. I just caN'T see how two people of vastly different ages can be on the same "maturity" level unless the older party is immature and or the two long for father-daughter/mother-son/nurse-patient relationships. I'm NOT saying this to offend, and I do have a relative who was in a relationship with a man 20 years older, and I have friends who are married to people 10+ years older than them, and I love and respect them and they seem to be happy, BUT I find their age differences disturbing and I would NOT want that for myself.

God bless,
Onwardclimb

charligirl · Jan 28, 2004

Onwardclimb said:
People doN'T magically all get the same maturity upon reaching the age of 18!!!!!!!

Absolutely, and people don't magically all become mature as they age at the same level.

you haven't offended me with your post, I just think it shows a lack of understanding of the world and people. I was an only child, born into a down to earth intelligent family that encouraged me to communicate very young. I also share many of my parent's core values and 'old fashionedness'. I like many of the programmes, music and films that they enjoy because I grew up with them. My husband is 12 years older than me (half way between me and my parent's age) We share the same core values and beliefs, he shares some of the music and cultural tastes I grew up with (late 70's and 80's) and we have a similar outlook on the world.

I found that men of my age often were not as mature as I was, they seemed to be stuck in their 20's with their beliefs and attitude.. not able or willing to grow up and take responsibility for their decisions or their life.... not willing to grow up and be men. Perhaps I was just unlucky with the men I met, but I have to say I still see the same thing over and over even now I am married.

My husband was the first man I met who had a similar level of maturity, the same attitude as me and was willing to stand up and be a man and a husband.

secretdawn · Jan 28, 2004

I really think it matters more that you are both in the same place in life...i am 22 with a kid, and not many 22 year old guys are ready for commitment or a kid, or have the kind of responsibility i do, but 25 and up is probably a better fit...but i still want them young enough that they can relate to some issues i face by being younger...

Onwardclimb · Jan 28, 2004

Absolutely, and people don't magically all become mature as they age at the same level.

which accounts for/defines IMmaturity!!!!!

you haven't offended me with your post, I just think it shows a lack of understanding of the world and people.

Im truly glad you arent offended, BUT I do have a GREAT deal of understanding about the world and people. I do, however, respect your opinion.

Ive heard VERY similar stories from other couples that have vastly different ages, and it always amazes me how the younger party involved in the relationship is always mature for their age. From what Ive seen in every couple with big age differences that Ive personally known, the older party typically uses that as a way to excuse their attraction/actions towards the younger party, and the younger party typically flatters themselves into thinking they are more mature than they really are because they are in a relationship with someone who, at their age, should be more mature than them. Im NOT saying that this is you and/or your situation its just what Ive seen from the couples that Ive known.

I understand about being labeled more mature than your age. I get that a lot. My favorite movies are old B&Ws. The music I love is: crooners, classical and classical jazz from the 20s, 30s, and 40s (esp. Ella Fitzgerald). I find pretty much NOTHING appealing about todays culure, fads, stars, singers, humor, music, society, etc pretty much everything about current times repulses me, and I long for days that were looooooooooong gone even before I was born. Yet the prospect of dating/marrying an 80-95 year old man disgusts me. Despite the fact that a man in that age group would probably share my interests/values/beliefs etc, we would still be on different pages because of the differences in our ages and the maturity that accompanies them. Not to mention the fact that I have absolutely NO physical attraction towards old men and do not wish to be a nurse with benefits. I will not kid/flatter myself that I am as mature as a 80-95 year old man though--just the fact that theyve lived as long as they have adds to their maturity. Although I could love and respect someone that age as a (grand)father-figure/mentor/teacher/elder/guidance counselor, maturity or not- I could NEVER see them or anyone else who was/is over 3 years older than me/any younger than me in a romantic light but thats just me, my opinion, and my perspective.

God bless,

Onwardclimb

Intahstellah64 · Jan 28, 2004

me and my BF are 5 years apart. I'm 19 and he's 24. We get along great

Age Difference and Relationships?

What are the wise limits on age difference in marriage and relationships?

1 or 2 years difference

5 years or less

10 years or less

15 years or less

Age doesn't matter as long as you are both on the same page spiritually

Age is only on the inside

It depends on how old you are

It depends on the culture

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