Advice On Readying Old Parent For Nursing Home

christalee4 · Dec 23, 2005

Hi yall - I have been dealing with my dad for the past 7 years. He was diagnosed with manic depression 10 years ago, and has since been able to maintain a somewhat independent existence, with my help close by. He is not on medication for it, and is doing fine, but his diabetes is getting worse, and he has had bathroom accidents. He is a big, overweight guy, and I can no longer handle him myself. He needs help with personal cleaning, toileting, and proper diet maintenance. He had a minor stroke recently and can still function, but it is time to get him to an assisted living situation.

Does anyone have experience dealing with putting a parent into a nursing home?

wildthing · Dec 24, 2005

I don't think he is ready for that.... I would look into a assited living place. Nursing homes are way to depressing. Well at least check them out befor checking out a Nursing Home. Also Nursing homes are way expense about 6,000 US per month.

Harlan Norris · Dec 24, 2005

christalee4 said:
Hi yall - I have been dealing with my dad for the past 7 years. He was diagnosed with manic depression 10 years ago, and has since been able to maintain a somewhat independent existence, with my help close by. He is not on medication for it, and is doing fine, but his diabetes is getting worse, and he has had bathroom accidents. He is a big, overweight guy, and I can no longer handle him myself. He needs help with personal cleaning, toileting, and proper diet maintenance. He had a minor stroke recently and can still function, but it is time to get him to an assisted living situation.

Does anyone have experience dealing with putting a parent into a nursing home?

I note you are 41. Your father then is probably not that old.If you are not physically able to handle your father you will have to place him in assisted living.The most important thing to do after he's in is visit. The care givers will not pay attention to him if you don't.They will do the absolute minimum.My mother was in assisted living for 5 years.However assisted living is not gonna cut it when your father gets to the point that he can't do anything for himself.That requires nursing care.You might as well know that all this is very expensive.Moms assisted living cost 40,000. a year.Nurseing care in an acceptable facility would have been 80,000.I have her at home now. She is a complete invalid,but since she is very small,and not combative,and has no serious medical problems,I can care for her.So, I'm blessed.I'd advise you look into medicare medicaid,to see what assistance is available in your case.When you visit a prospective facility,look it over carefully.See how the others are being cared for.Use your nose.A strong urine smell is a bad sign.Again I can't stress enough that visiting your loved one is of paramount importance for them both physically and psycologically.Drop in at times you are not expected and watch on the sly how he's treated.Immediately addess anything thats amiss.You don't have to get nasty,but the interest you take in him,will produce an attitude of caring in his care givers,and they will react accordingly.I know this is a tough time.It was for me.God bless you and good luck.

christalee4 · Dec 26, 2005

Harlan Norris said:
I note you are 41. Your father then is probably not that old.If you are not physically able to handle your father you will have to place him in assisted living.The most important thing to do after he's in is visit. The care givers will not pay attention to him if you don't.They will do the absolute minimum.My mother was in assisted living for 5 years.However assisted living is not gonna cut it when your father gets to the point that he can't do anything for himself.That requires nursing care.You might as well know that all this is very expensive.Moms assisted living cost 40,000. a year.Nurseing care in an acceptable facility would have been 80,000.I have her at home now. She is a complete invalid,but since she is very small,and not combative,and has no serious medical problems,I can care for her.So, I'm blessed.I'd advise you look into medicare medicaid,to see what assistance is available in your case.When you visit a prospective facility,look it over carefully.See how the others are being cared for.Use your nose.A strong urine smell is a bad sign.Again I can't stress enough that visiting your loved one is of paramount importance for them both physically and psycologically.Drop in at times you are not expected and watch on the sly how he's treated.Immediately addess anything thats amiss.You don't have to get nasty,but the interest you take in him,will produce an attitude of caring in his care givers,and they will react accordingly.I know this is a tough time.It was for me.God bless you and good luck.

I should have been more specific; he is 73 years old, but is in terrible shape physically. He has refused to see a doctor recently. He doesn't drive, but is able to order in bad food, and has made poor choices. He refuses to take medication for his blood pressure and sugar. Due to his poor diet choices (I make him good, nutritious meals, but he chooses to eat the bad stuff. He is acting like a kid), he has bathroom accidents at least 8 times over the past several years, and can't see well enough to clean himself properly. He is probably over 300 pounds, doesn't see well, and doesn't get any exercise.

Does assisted care involve someone who can physically help to clean a man that big? That sounds more like nursing home care to me. I have appointments to check out various facilities - he is a veteran, so I am checking into veterans' facilities.

Thank you for your advice and experience.

wildthing · Dec 26, 2005

Once again you would need to see what the assited living home can offer in help (asfar as his size). See what the aveage residnt is like. Is he aggressive? They can help him if he is willing to help himself a little.

Be open minded when you go to these places. They might get him to do stuff that you are having trouble with. ADL (Activities for Daily Living) in to be renforced

thepianist · Dec 27, 2005

christalee4 said:
I should have been more specific; he is 73 years old, but is in terrible shape physically. He has refused to see a doctor recently. He doesn't drive, but is able to order in bad food, and has made poor choices. He refuses to take medication for his blood pressure and sugar. Due to his poor diet choices (I make him good, nutritious meals, but he chooses to eat the bad stuff. He is acting like a kid), he has bathroom accidents at least 8 times over the past several years, and can't see well enough to clean himself properly. He is probably over 300 pounds, doesn't see well, and doesn't get any exercise.

Does assisted care involve someone who can physically help to clean a man that big? That sounds more like nursing home care to me. I have appointments to check out various facilities - he is a veteran, so I am checking into veterans' facilities.

Thank you for your advice and experience.

My dear what you are dealing with is not easy....and I do understand. My daddy got sick when he was 71.....he was around 140 pounds......his heart was only functioning at 20 percent.....but I couldn't handle him and I was only 37. Needless to say, my mother - then 68 - definitely couldn't handle him! I had a very helpless situation arise with him one morning. He had not fallen down, just slid down into the floor....my mother standing behind him to prop him up with her legs....neither one of them could do anything....she called me. Luckily, I had a key to the house. When I unlocked the door and saw them it was quite amazing....I went over to him and picked him right up and sat him in his chair.....never thought I could do that!

That day, sad to say, was his last one at home. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance....after a little over a month, the hospital said that he had to go somewhere else. Mother and I had no choice but to put him in a nursing home so that he could be cared for properly. He stayed there for almost two months before he passed away. One word of caution, my friend, please if you put him in any kind of assisted place.....you have to show concern for him and stay on top of everything that goes on involving him and his care and his medication.....that is of utmost importance! Please know that you and your situation are in my prayers. Feel free to pm me at anytime about anything.....if I can't help in any other way, at least I can listen and help pray with you about it.

CJD · Dec 27, 2005

I spent 5 and a half years working in a nursing home and I have worked doing home health care for about 10 years (give or take a little). I have nothing nice to say about nursing homes. They don't allow their staff to average more than 15 minutes at a time with the residents, they can't offer any close monitoring if it should become necessary, and ect. In a nursing home the answer to all problems seems to be to medicate the person......they don't try anything else first!!!

We are getting to the point where my dad will need additional help as well because he's dying from asbestos and there isn't anything more that can be done medically for him. I've been trying to talk my mom out of the idea of placing my dad in a nursing home. I rather care for my dad myself than to see him in a nursing home and see his health decline even more rapidly as a result. I simply feel that he will get better care at home. It won't stop my dad from dying, but he will be able to get more of the care that he needs.

Have you checked into home health care? That may be a better option. The attention will then be focused on completely on caring for your dad and doing light housework. It will give you a much needed break and it's a much better option than placing your dad in a nursing home. I wouldn't recommend placing a loved one in a nursing home until all other options have been exhausted or unless your dad wants to go to a nursing home.

Just my opinion.

Harlan Norris · Dec 28, 2005

christalee4 said:
I should have been more specific; he is 73 years old, but is in terrible shape physically. He has refused to see a doctor recently. He doesn't drive, but is able to order in bad food, and has made poor choices. He refuses to take medication for his blood pressure and sugar. Due to his poor diet choices (I make him good, nutritious meals, but he chooses to eat the bad stuff. He is acting like a kid), he has bathroom accidents at least 8 times over the past several years, and can't see well enough to clean himself properly. He is probably over 300 pounds, doesn't see well, and doesn't get any exercise.

Does assisted care involve someone who can physically help to clean a man that big? That sounds more like nursing home care to me. I have appointments to check out various facilities - he is a veteran, so I am checking into veterans' facilities.

Thank you for your advice and experience.

Well, when I took mom to heritage club.They interviewed her.This was to help determine what level of care was needed.If mom had not been suitable for assisted living they would have said so at that time.The care givers can take care of a 300 lb man,if he is willing to allow it.If not well then I don't know.You will get a better idea when you check out a facility.

Redneck Crow · Jan 3, 2006

christalee4 said:
I should have been more specific; he is 73 years old, but is in terrible shape physically. He has refused to see a doctor recently. He doesn't drive, but is able to order in bad food, and has made poor choices. He refuses to take medication for his blood pressure and sugar. Due to his poor diet choices (I make him good, nutritious meals, but he chooses to eat the bad stuff. He is acting like a kid), he has bathroom accidents at least 8 times over the past several years, and can't see well enough to clean himself properly. He is probably over 300 pounds, doesn't see well, and doesn't get any exercise.

Does assisted care involve someone who can physically help to clean a man that big? That sounds more like nursing home care to me. I have appointments to check out various facilities - he is a veteran, so I am checking into veterans' facilities.

Thank you for your advice and experience.

Assisted living can provide the care that it sounds like your father needs, as well as can nursing homes.

I would check both types of facilities out, asking what their staff to patient ratio is, and ask to see the results of their most recent several state surveys. Some assisted living facilities are very good, some are very lousy.

Visit the facilities at various times of the day to get a better idea of what they are really like.

I'm a nurse who has worked at both types of facility. The way the individual facility is run seems to be a better indication of how well the resident is taken care of than whether it is a nursing home or extended care.

Redneck Crow · Jan 4, 2006

Here's a site that might help you do a preliminary search of the nursing homes in your area. It will bring up the deficiency and staffing stats for just about any nursing home you choose.

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/Include/DataSection/Questions/SearchCriteria.asp?version=default&browser=IE%7C6%7CWinXP&language=English&defaultstatus=0&pagelist=Home&CookiesEnabledStatus=True

catlover · Jan 15, 2006

christalee4 said:
Hi yall - I have been dealing with my dad for the past 7 years. He was diagnosed with manic depression 10 years ago, and has since been able to maintain a somewhat independent existence, with my help close by. He is not on medication for it, and is doing fine, but his diabetes is getting worse, and he has had bathroom accidents. He is a big, overweight guy, and I can no longer handle him myself. He needs help with personal cleaning, toileting, and proper diet maintenance. He had a minor stroke recently and can still function, but it is time to get him to an assisted living situation.

Does anyone have experience dealing with putting a parent into a nursing home?

Whatever you decide. Assisted living or a nursing home, show up at whatever facility at least ONCE a day at different times. If you see something wrong, do not be afraid to voice your concerns.

justafayes · Jan 29, 2006

christalee4 said:
Hi yall - I have been dealing with my dad for the past 7 years. He was diagnosed with manic depression 10 years ago, and has since been able to maintain a somewhat independent existence, with my help close by. He is not on medication for it, and is doing fine, but his diabetes is getting worse, and he has had bathroom accidents. He is a big, overweight guy, and I can no longer handle him myself. He needs help with personal cleaning, toileting, and proper diet maintenance. He had a minor stroke recently and can still function, but it is time to get him to an assisted living situation.

Does anyone have experience dealing with putting a parent into a nursing home?

Personally,, I despise nursing homes for convenience sake,, If one is physically able to care for their parents.just dump them off and they die of lonliness, but, when the child or children are not capable, that is a different story..

A splendid nursing home is far and few between,, for most, It's just a job.. not a loving one, unfortunately and is costly.

If in price comparison between nursing home and a paid home care giver.. which would be best? Actually,, you would need at least 2 caregivers or 3..

It is a prayerful decision,, I know you love your dad and would do anything for him if you was able.. God will tell you exactly what to do and decisions to make... (I'm sure you already knew that)

Don't be hard on yourself if a nursing home is what has to be done for your dad's sake,, just pray for the one God would have him in, with the type of care YOU would give him.. Love you in the Lord, I'll remember you in my prayers.. Faye

His4Life · Feb 4, 2006

praying for you

Advice On Readying Old Parent For Nursing Home

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