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Advice Needed!

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MAMiller

Happy Wife and Mommy
Mar 14, 2004
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Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been super busy with mommy stuff. I found out officially that my husband will be returning from his deployment on the 15th of June.

Well this morning was heart breaking. I couldn't sleep last night, just one of those nights where I couldn't combine exhaustion and rest.

Our usually routine, getting my son Justin ready for school. I walked him to school, like I do every morning (his school is about 5 minutes from our house, if that). I gave him his usual big hug and kiss goodbye. Then he said "Oh great Lance saw you kiss me goodbye, he is going to make fun of me now." He just wandered off like I had single handedly destroyed his world. Who new moms could cause such destruction in a matter of seconds.

I called out to him "sorry, don't worry about it ... it is ok." He just kept going throwing a hand up to say bye.

Now my choice, should I give in, face the facts that maybe he is too old for the hand holding, the big mommy hugs, and mommies kisses goodbye. When did this happen, when did boys get grabbed and kidnapped from affection? I know it has been going on for awhile, as long as I can trace back. I don't want my son to be ashamed of love and affection. I don't want him to let go of something he likes, because he is afraid someone else will think he is a wimp. Is it even my choice?

It breaks my heart because he is only 8. I want him to grow up with a positive view of women, with a positive sense of love. Affection is essential for mental and physical health. I want him to enjoy and want affection. I know it isn't my choice though, I can't force it on him, and then expect him to endure ridicule. I hate this.

I guess I will save my affection for at home, I don't know. I noticed that I was the only mom showing such attention, most kids find their own way to school. If mom and dad take them, it is a quick yelp "goodbye" and that is it. My heart says keep giving him his hugs and kisses bye, teach him that it is ok and that people are wrong about how he should be. Another part of me, my mind, tells me it is nature, a natural break from me and that I should go at his pace and not mine. What to do?

Mrs. Miche
 
M

McCracAttack

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Feb 2, 2004
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I know I’m probably a bit young to be handing out parenting advice, but I can still remember elementary school. To be blunt, elementary school is rough. Children can be unintentionally cruel and unforgiving and the social structure they set up is arbitrary and just plain un-fair. Your son still loves you, but he may be catching flack for his mother hugging and kissing him to death as he heads off to school. Also, he’s at that age where he’ll want to do “grown up stuff” so smothering him with public affection may make him feel like he’s still a toddler who can’t do anything for himself. To you he's only 8 but to himself he's a whole 8 and 1/2 or whatever. Children like to brag about how much they grow up. If it makes him feel better then just give him a quick hug and “Good-bye!” in the morning and if you still need to shower him with affection smother him once he gets back home; he might need it after a day at school. Remember, he still loves you and once he’s a bit older and feels more self-assured stuff like this won’t matter so much.
 
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justaman

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Oct 27, 2003
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Man he got off lucky! My mum once came stomping through the middle of everybody in her nurses's uniform ( ) calling out my name so she could give me a lift!! I was mortified!!!

But now I remember it with affection

That's the thing, man, this anti-mum stuff is a part of growing up. It is not a commentary on you and it is not reflective of your relationship. It is him becoming an individual and wanting to be independant. In short, he's just trying to grow up, but he's young and he doesn't realise his clumsy methods of achieving independance in fact hurt others. I daresay he wouldn't see you as a figure who could be hurt.

So don't take it to heart! Accept that boys must go through a face of "Muuuum don't kiss me!!" and that it is nothing to feel down about Consider it a teething problem. He's got to wear this whole identity thing in before he can be really comfortable with it all.
 
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T

The Bellman

Guest
I have no doubt your son needs and enjoys your physical affection just as much as you need and enjoy giving it to him. But he's growing up (at least in his own eyes)...and big boys don't get hugs and kisses from their mom. So in public, confine yourself to a wave and a goodbye. In private, give him all the hugs you (and he) need and want. It IS natural for children to begin to express their independence...don't let it upset you. And prepare yourself for the times in a few years when he doesn't even want to be seen with you in public...when going out with mom is the worst thing that he could be caught doing.

Be happy that, in a few years, when he is more self-assured, he'll be more than happy to give you a hug in public. It's not so long ago that I can't remember the embarassment of being kissed or hugged by mum in public...I would have been about your sons age. Now, some (large) number of years on...I have no problems at all hugging and kissing my mum in public. He will, eventually, too.
 
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M

MAMiller

Happy Wife and Mommy
Mar 14, 2004
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Your age doesn't matter, because you give excellent advice. You put it simply and it made a lot of sense to me. I plan on taking this advice.

However, to broaden the subject, do you think these kind of stereotypes and/ or breaks, play a little part in some men (not all) having issues with affection. I know I am over thinking this, but I wonder.

Many men (again, not all) these days have issues with commitment. I can kind of see how their peers (other men) pressure them into living a macho/ player lifestyle. I couldn't help but wonder if this peer pressure, even at this very young age, plays a part.

I don't want him to be afraid of love. I don't want him to distance himself from affection, or to put on a "tough" persona to appease what other "boys" have been taught they should do or be.

Aside from the natural independence, I am wondering if the crucial steps I take in the next couple of years, might have a strong affect on how he relates to his peers, commitment, and a willingness to love without embarrassment in the future. The whole, allowing themselves to be open and vulnerable, not caring what the "guys" think.

Again, please!: I plan on laying off the public displays of affection at school, just because I don't want my son to be teased. I just wonder if this is the first steps taken towards how my son relates to his peers and women in general, on this issue.

I do see this as natural too, breaking away from mom. I am just throwing this topic out there to get a feel for what men think about this issue. If they feel it is "natural" or "peer pressure (from other men)." Nature or Nurture?!

Mrs. Miche
 
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M

MAMiller

Happy Wife and Mommy
Mar 14, 2004
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Arizona, currently. We move a lot, my husband is
✟210.00
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Wow, I agree! I do see very clearly what you are saying.

I just wonder why girls don't seem to go through this phase. I don't remember being embarrassed by my mother or her affection. I don't remember other girls giving me a hard time about it either. I wonder why or was it just me? (lol)

Mrs. Miche
 
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M

MAMiller

Happy Wife and Mommy
Mar 14, 2004
75
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Arizona, currently. We move a lot, my husband is
✟210.00
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lol, I get your point. I can see it is mom here that isn't dealing with the natural order of things very well. Blast this world that won't let me hold his hand, hug and kiss him bye bye, why why why ?! (snivels)

I looked forward to his big hugs and kisses everyday. (whines)

So I guess it is nature and my hopes to change the world have been crushed.

What about my hopes of creating an entire race of men who just want to cuddle all day? Should I give up on that too? (lol) (evil mad scientist mommy)

Mrs. Miche
 
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T

The Bellman

Guest
MAMiller said:
Many men (again, not all) these days have issues with commitment.
Click to expand...
Men have issues with commitment because that's how we evolved. Women DON'T have issues with commitment because that's how they evolved.

I don't think anything you can do with/about your son will influence this. On the other hand, yes, I think you can and will influence him as far as regarding displays of emotion as just fine for men. To me, you seem to be on the right track...showing him that displays of affection (hugging, etc.) are fine, and available to him anytime he wants them, showing him (which I have no doubt you do) that you appreciate HIS hugs, as well, when he gives them. All of this helps to show him that affection and displays of it are nothing to be ashamed of, and are even to be applauded. Also his dad's attitude towards that sort of thing would be very influential. I remember that my dad was never shy about giving us a hug, or a kiss...today (in part, at least, because of that) I have no issues at all about being physically affectionate, with my wife, my nieces and nephews, or anyone else I feel like expressing my affection towards.

I think when it comes to his (well, anyone's) attitude in later life to affection, emotion, etc., everything plays a part - mom's example, dad's example, grandma and grandpa's example, the attitudes of friends, plus his own strength of character. I think the most a parent can do is what you seem to be doing - doing all you can to assure him that affection, physical and/or emotional, is available to him whenever he wants it, and that you (and don't forget, you're still the single most important person in his life) see nothing whatsoever wrong or embarassing about it. If dad acts that way too, then you've given your young bloke about as good a start as two people can, IMO.
 
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W

Western Deity

you know how it is
Feb 22, 2004
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I'm not a parent (look at my age, obviously ) but I just wanna say that it's good to see that you show affection towards your son... I've seen some parents dump their kids off at librarys or whatever, without so much as goodbye, so as they can rush to work, and then forget that their kids are there in the afternoon.

I don't think there's any need to be worried about whether he's "drifting away" or not, or any reason to be worried about him growing up without a good view of women. I think it's just a phase that we go through... I used to be like that as well, but now I respect and love my mother, and am not ashamed of affection (when it's due... I don't go around hugging random oddballs ). And I'm not sexist either it would take something nastier just than a loving mother to do that LOL ...
 
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M

MAMiller

Happy Wife and Mommy
Mar 14, 2004
75
3
50
Arizona, currently. We move a lot, my husband is
✟210.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Bellman and Western Deity: Thanks! My husband Jesse, Justin's dad, is very affectionate. He is deployed, so maybe that is why I am making such an issue of this. I have too much time on my hands.

When Justin came home from school, I told him "I will hug and kiss you before we leave the house, ok?" He seemed disappointed (lol) and said "no, mom that is ok, you can hug and kiss me ... we will where no one can see." Oh the shame I bring! I told him "ok, well ... where?" He said "you can still hug me in front of the school, we just won't where Lance can see us." (hahaha, lol)

He wants his hugs and kisses too. I think he is plotting how to get his hugs and kisses, which he likes without anyone seeing him. I told him I will hug and kiss him before we leave the house. He agreed, but seemed disappointed. So I need to go into 'covert military affection' mode. I need to maintain stealth as I drop him off, search the area for the enemy, and when there is an "all clear", scoop him up for yucky hugs and kisses! Maybe I should wear green to blend in with the grass, hahaha (jk).

And it begins ...

Mrs. Miche
 
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