A question

wildthing · Jan 20, 2008

I was at a Singles Retreat this past weekend. I did most of the semmnars that they had offered, perhaps I did about 90-95% of them.

at close of of the event they had a sunday service talking about respecting other people and accepting people the way they were. During the meetings I made a request that people refarm from touching me. Basicly I really didn't want to be physically touch I really didn't want to be hugged nor did I want to hold hands with anyone. Well at the end of the conference they had us group up with our section leaders, by the way I told my section leader that I hope that they would respectfully reframe from touching me. Well to make a long boring story shorter at the end we sang this song, They call it the "Spirit Song" this something they they do out of tradition, it was very "Kum, Ba, Yah". Will the section leader then informed me that I would have to do this. Any other time I don't even get a "hello" from them.

I really thought people would respect my wish. I'm disappointed that I was forced into doing this. Very much now wanting to leave the church and to leave single groups.

Am I being a jerk about this?

dluvs2trvl · Jan 20, 2008

No, I don't think you are being a jerk. If you told them ahead of time that you didn't want to be touched then they should have respected your request. And how could someone tell you that you had to do this??? You're an adult and can do whatever you want. Did you excuse yourself from the group or did you go ahead and participate against your will? I would definitely be talking with the senior pastor or at least the pastor in charge of singles about what happened before you leave the church.

I'm sorry you were put in an uncomfortable position.

FlatpickingJD · Jan 20, 2008

No, you're not being a jerk about this. I'd be a little irritated about it too, especially after you'd told them you didn't want the touchy-feely part of the program.

GritsnGrace · Jan 21, 2008

Dwight, I am very picky about who I let hug me,and the like, so I see where you are coming from. Some just don't like it. I don't want ANYONE touching my face, either. I had a man at work come up to me the other day (see my blog) and touch my face and say something extremely rude, that he thought was funny! I was very upset about it, too! So, no, you weren't being a jerk, at all.

hope4today · Jan 21, 2008

dluvs2trvl said:
No, I don't think you are being a jerk. If you told them ahead of time that you didn't want to be touched then they should have respected your request. And how could someone tell you that you had to do this??? You're an adult and can do whatever you want. Did you excuse yourself from the group or did you go ahead and participate against your will? I would definitely be talking with the senior pastor or at least the pastor in charge of singles about what happened before you leave the church.

I'm sorry you were put in an uncomfortable position.

Absolutely agree with what D has said here. You had every right to say No. People running these sorts of things really should be aware of respecting each individual's right to choose.

If you feel able, it would probably be good for you to talk to a senior person about it, just so that it isnot left unsaid and unfinished for you. It is often hurts that we haven't addressed that come back to give us trouble somewhere down the line. If you can tell them why you want to leave, it would probably be beneficial for you, let alone it would be good for them to be aware of the effect such thoughtlessness has had. There are many people who don't like to be touched like that.

ido · Jan 21, 2008

It sounds like your section leader didn't understand your desires to the full extent - or chose to force the issue anyway. I think it was inconsiderate of him, at the very least. I'm sorry that it frustrated you. I hope it doesn't discourage you from future participation, tho, if you've felt like you've gotten something out of the singles group and participating in events like this in the past. Maybe you can address it with the section leader, specifically, or with a staff member of the church, as D and hope suggested.

jcj3803 · Jan 21, 2008

Yup, I agree with everybody. I dislike holding hands for group prayers although I do it because it's part of the culture at my current church.

ido · Jan 21, 2008

I think it's always hard for touchy-feely people to understand why non-touchy-feely people are the way they are - and vice versa. But, I still think it's important to respect the stance someone takes on the touchy-feely matter - either way.

Me? I'm a hugger, but I won't hug just anyone and I will respect a person that does not care for physical contact.

kelco · Jan 21, 2008

Nah your'e not being a jerk. It's your right to chose who touches you.

HopeFaithLove4u · Jan 21, 2008

jcj3803 said:
Yup, I agree with everybody. I dislike holding hands for group prayers although I do it because it's part of the culture at my current church.

I don't like the hand holding time and singing The Lord's Prayer in church.....at our 9:30 service, you don't need to hold hands, while saying the Lord's Prayer, so I go to that service. One time at the 10:45 service there was a professional group singing the Lord's prayer as we were holding hands and the group took FOREVER to sing the sing, because they were doing there 'high pitch' things and I was sooooo annoyed!!!!

I, also, agree that you have boundaries and shouldn't be asked to cross them and when you are asked....it's rude and uncalled-for.

country woman · Jan 21, 2008

No I don't think you were a jerk either some people are more touchy than others. I respect this.

Jenster · Jan 22, 2008

You're not alone, WildThing. I will hold hands, but each time I do, I have a flashback to an inappropriate incident that happened to me once -- involving hand-holding during group prayer. Blech.

dayhiker · Jan 22, 2008

I personally like holding hands and huging. But I'm well aware that there are people that don't. They have that right, so obviously you have that right also.

I know some/many singles really feel lonely and empty because they have so little touch in their life. Its easy to take that thought and use a touching part of the service and add touch to it to help those that need it.

See if this thought works for you. When the touch part comes, just say you guys go ahead. Then step back and pray, sing along with everyone else. When the touch part is over step back into the group and again aprticipate.

If you notice anyone has a puzzled look take the inicitive to speak to them and explain what you feel. As you educate those in your church they will come to know that you accept them touching/hugging but that you can't go there. I think with sometime you will find the situation gets more comfortable.

dayhiker

faithopelove · Jan 22, 2008

I agree that your wishes should have been respected, but I don't think there was any malace here. Some people think they are doing a good deed by coaxing you to participate. I'm not at all touchy feely, but I've done the "go along to get along" thing for so long (which is not always a good thing), that I hardly even cringe anymore. God looks at the intents of the heart, so I try to also, and I don't get offended nearly as much as I used to.

wildthing · Jan 22, 2008

dayhiker said:
I personally like holding hands and huging. But I'm well aware that there are people that don't. They have that right, so obviously you have that right also.

Thanks, holding hands and hugging are fine till Mr/Mrs I forgot that people who don't smoke don't like my breath.

I know some/many singles really feel lonely and empty because they have so little touch in their life. Its easy to take that thought and use a touching part of the service and add touch to it to help those that need it.

The real problem was that it has become a ritual. I talked to minster about and got answer sort of like this we been doing this since 1970's and if you have problem with it the door is right there. I'll be darn if the minstey and I are going to change. I then suggested that perhaps the minister should think about it. The singles group has gone from 400 to about 175 members and I've seen any number of people book outa there before the class is over.

See if this thought works for you. When the touch part comes, just say you guys go ahead. Then step back and pray, sing along with everyone else. When the touch part is over step back into the group and again aprticipate.

This is at the close of the class at this point. Anyways the real problem is that because the group is in decline they and the elders of the church are thinking that by combining the Senior Singles the singles from the 30-40 and late 20's to mid 30's group that it would cut down on class room use. The leadership of the class that I'm with has voted that we are going to leave the church if that happens. Yes I'm part of leadership.

If you notice anyone has a puzzled look take the inicitive to speak to them and explain what you feel. As you educate those in your church they will come to know that you accept them touching/hugging but that you can't go there. I think with sometime you will find the situation gets more comfortable.

dayhiker

did that once I was told that I was no good for nothing rebel. That I need to get into rituals. I reseve hugging and holding hands to my current gal pal.

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