- Nov 24, 2008
- 49
- 12
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- CA-Conservatives
This would be my first official thread started, and I ask forgiveness if this thread is in the wrong place. Any moderators that wish to move it to the proper place, please do so, my apologies.
I have a bit of a situation. Anyone that's seen my posts in CF thus far in the marrieds forum knows that I'm not exactly short on my posts, and this situation is a bit of a story. I'm looking forward to your thoughts.
I'm 41, youngest of 4 siblings; one I was never raised with. My sister is eldest at 49, the brother I was brought up with is 44. We are a fairly normal, dysfunctional family. Like any family, we've got our skeletons hidden in closets, and over the years, some skeletons have come out for each of us. We called out my brother a few years ago about his drug abuse, his life choices, his fried notions of our childhood (seriously, he sounds like he lived an entirely different life for how he describes the treatment of our parents to us kids), and exposed his lies.
Last year, I finally was shown to be a liar in a big way. Anyone who's followed my wife's posts in the marrieds forums (Million Pieces is my bride), knows the story of what's been going on in our lives, the lies I've told, the restoration that God has done in my life/mind/heart, and in our marriage. I'm as guilty as anyone in my family for lying.
My sister recently dropped the bombshell on us in a phonecall that she and her fiancee (one too many e's for the male one?
I didn't know about mom's stroke until well after she was thru the worst of it and was out of danger. I didn't find out about Dad's emphysema until he had told other family members, and it was more of a "oh, didn't you know?" I tend to find things out until well after they've happened. Well, back to my sister.
This past fall, she started to get ill. She was having bleeding issues with her time of the month, and they started to get worse. She shrugged it off and didn't seem too worried about it, just told us she was under the weather. I had to find out from our parents that she was bleeding bad and was going to have a meet with a surgeon about it. I then found out from my sister that yes, she was going to have surgery in the beginning of December, but it wasn't major. I find out after the fact that she had a complete historectomy, and was doing okay. A few weeks later, my folks said she was not doing so well, but when I asked her, she said, oh don't worry about it, it's nothing, doc said it was normal. Ohhhhhhhhhhkay, I left that one alone.
Into the new year, my sis phones and chews my butt out about not calling to talk to her anymore. THEN she turns around and says, oh, by the way, I got results back on the tests I had end of december...' What tests, I ask. Oh, the ones they did after the second surgery when they went back in to see if they got all my cancer!... I was stunned. She'd had a second surgery, had tests, and she'd not breathed a word. I was stunned, and upset that she dared to chew me out over ME not calling to talk to her. When I tried to tell her how disappointed I was in hearing all this after the fact, she said, I didn't want to worry you, as you have enough on your plate, and this is something very personal to me, not something I want to divulge around.
Notwithstanding, she told everyone else, and i was last to know again.
SO, we come to this month. I call her up, again get my butt chewed out cuz it's been one month since I called last, and she drops on me that they're running away to Vegas to get married and wasn't I happy for them, didn't I want to wish them well and congrats, and all that stuff...
No. I didn't wish them well, I didn't wish congrats, and I was not happy. In all her prior wedding plans, she wanted a big family thing where everyone was invited to come, it was going to be a big thing, WHEN they got around to having it. She had hinted at the possibility of me getting my ordination as a marriage pastor, and she wanted me to sing her down the aisle, and sing for the vows, sing at the reception, etc... I was excited to be included, finally, in my sister's life. I was finally going to be able to be there for her and support her and celebrate with her in something she wanted all her life.
Then this. They were running away out of country, away from family, and they had told everyone else but us. And, according to her, everyone else was happy for her, that I'm the only one who wasn't, and I was being entirely selfish for thinking only of myself in all this. When I tried to point out that this was yet another bombshell she dropped on me last second, she got really mad and told me to grow up and stop making it all about me all the time, that I'm one of the most selfish people she's met, and for all she's done for me, this is how I repay her... (I'm still trying to think of all she's done for me over the years; she must be confusing me with our brother, who has a majorly skewed version of our childhood). Her argument is that with her life having been changed by the Cancer, suddenly, all the big plans and dreams have changed, that she wants to be married and GETTING married doesn't matter, just BEING married does. She wants to settle down with the man she loves, be a family, and enjoy life for a while while she can. Fine, I can understand that. But, I'm having big issue with her secrecy and excluding me from everything all the time. It doesn't matter who it's in relation to, I am always the last to know. My parents think we know everything as it happens, but they keep as many secrets as she does. Moreso, apparently.
My question is this. Am I truly being selfish in not wishing her happiness and congratulations at her impending marriage? I'm deeply hurt that she's cut me out of almost all the big news until I'm one of the last people to know, and then, she wonders why I get mad when I am asked what I think. I'm hurt that I don't get to be there to celebrate her marriage with her. She's never been married before, and I wanted to celebrate with her on that day. Now, I don't get to. I've felt like a loose wheel dragged behind the rest of the train of our family for many years. This only serves to push me further outside the family. There is a big hurt inside me, and I don't know how to deal with it.
"end of novel"
I have a bit of a situation. Anyone that's seen my posts in CF thus far in the marrieds forum knows that I'm not exactly short on my posts, and this situation is a bit of a story. I'm looking forward to your thoughts.
I'm 41, youngest of 4 siblings; one I was never raised with. My sister is eldest at 49, the brother I was brought up with is 44. We are a fairly normal, dysfunctional family. Like any family, we've got our skeletons hidden in closets, and over the years, some skeletons have come out for each of us. We called out my brother a few years ago about his drug abuse, his life choices, his fried notions of our childhood (seriously, he sounds like he lived an entirely different life for how he describes the treatment of our parents to us kids), and exposed his lies.
Last year, I finally was shown to be a liar in a big way. Anyone who's followed my wife's posts in the marrieds forums (Million Pieces is my bride), knows the story of what's been going on in our lives, the lies I've told, the restoration that God has done in my life/mind/heart, and in our marriage. I'm as guilty as anyone in my family for lying.
My sister recently dropped the bombshell on us in a phonecall that she and her fiancee (one too many e's for the male one?
I didn't know about mom's stroke until well after she was thru the worst of it and was out of danger. I didn't find out about Dad's emphysema until he had told other family members, and it was more of a "oh, didn't you know?" I tend to find things out until well after they've happened. Well, back to my sister.
This past fall, she started to get ill. She was having bleeding issues with her time of the month, and they started to get worse. She shrugged it off and didn't seem too worried about it, just told us she was under the weather. I had to find out from our parents that she was bleeding bad and was going to have a meet with a surgeon about it. I then found out from my sister that yes, she was going to have surgery in the beginning of December, but it wasn't major. I find out after the fact that she had a complete historectomy, and was doing okay. A few weeks later, my folks said she was not doing so well, but when I asked her, she said, oh don't worry about it, it's nothing, doc said it was normal. Ohhhhhhhhhhkay, I left that one alone.
Into the new year, my sis phones and chews my butt out about not calling to talk to her anymore. THEN she turns around and says, oh, by the way, I got results back on the tests I had end of december...' What tests, I ask. Oh, the ones they did after the second surgery when they went back in to see if they got all my cancer!... I was stunned. She'd had a second surgery, had tests, and she'd not breathed a word. I was stunned, and upset that she dared to chew me out over ME not calling to talk to her. When I tried to tell her how disappointed I was in hearing all this after the fact, she said, I didn't want to worry you, as you have enough on your plate, and this is something very personal to me, not something I want to divulge around.
Notwithstanding, she told everyone else, and i was last to know again.
SO, we come to this month. I call her up, again get my butt chewed out cuz it's been one month since I called last, and she drops on me that they're running away to Vegas to get married and wasn't I happy for them, didn't I want to wish them well and congrats, and all that stuff...
No. I didn't wish them well, I didn't wish congrats, and I was not happy. In all her prior wedding plans, she wanted a big family thing where everyone was invited to come, it was going to be a big thing, WHEN they got around to having it. She had hinted at the possibility of me getting my ordination as a marriage pastor, and she wanted me to sing her down the aisle, and sing for the vows, sing at the reception, etc... I was excited to be included, finally, in my sister's life. I was finally going to be able to be there for her and support her and celebrate with her in something she wanted all her life.
Then this. They were running away out of country, away from family, and they had told everyone else but us. And, according to her, everyone else was happy for her, that I'm the only one who wasn't, and I was being entirely selfish for thinking only of myself in all this. When I tried to point out that this was yet another bombshell she dropped on me last second, she got really mad and told me to grow up and stop making it all about me all the time, that I'm one of the most selfish people she's met, and for all she's done for me, this is how I repay her... (I'm still trying to think of all she's done for me over the years; she must be confusing me with our brother, who has a majorly skewed version of our childhood). Her argument is that with her life having been changed by the Cancer, suddenly, all the big plans and dreams have changed, that she wants to be married and GETTING married doesn't matter, just BEING married does. She wants to settle down with the man she loves, be a family, and enjoy life for a while while she can. Fine, I can understand that. But, I'm having big issue with her secrecy and excluding me from everything all the time. It doesn't matter who it's in relation to, I am always the last to know. My parents think we know everything as it happens, but they keep as many secrets as she does. Moreso, apparently.
My question is this. Am I truly being selfish in not wishing her happiness and congratulations at her impending marriage? I'm deeply hurt that she's cut me out of almost all the big news until I'm one of the last people to know, and then, she wonders why I get mad when I am asked what I think. I'm hurt that I don't get to be there to celebrate her marriage with her. She's never been married before, and I wanted to celebrate with her on that day. Now, I don't get to. I've felt like a loose wheel dragged behind the rest of the train of our family for many years. This only serves to push me further outside the family. There is a big hurt inside me, and I don't know how to deal with it.
"end of novel"