[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Then, I met a guy on one of my trips into town. He was in his twenties. He had a job and had been previously married and divorced. He seemed to want all the things I wanted out of life. I did whatever he wanted because I wanted him to be happy. He showered me with gifts and made promises of love and commitment. He also came from a good family and they were well off. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']We dated for several months, and then in the fall my cycle didn’t come. He was terrified and positive that he would go to jail. In order to keep out of jail, he told my mother he would marry me. Just shy of my seventeenth birthday, I was playing homemaker. I was carrying a child and decided that I wouldn’t be part of a divorce statistic. After my first son was born, I started going to church. The next five years I went faithfully while completing high school and starting a career that seemed exciting, but later proved to produce little income or satisfaction. The new wore off of my marriage and he became increasingly bitter and abusive. I was a faithful little Christian wife nevertheless.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']In my mind, I believed that I was unworthy of this man and that God would bless my marriage if I spent enough time in church. I worked long hours in my dead end job, learned to cook and clean, but it was never good enough. I could not satisfy him and his violent outburst got worse as the years passed.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] I found out that I was expecting again just before my twenty-first birthday. He didn’t take the news well at all. I decided that this baby was my gift from God and resented my husband because he hit me while I was pregnant. We gave up our house and moved into town and after the baby was born, I went to work in a factory. Factory hours don’t give a person much time to dedicate to church. They also don’t give time for family, but I was making money and for the first time my husband approved. He would swiftly scoop up my paycheck and spend it away as quickly as I could make it.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']The work was hard, but I excelled. I decided that if I was going to be in a loveless marriage, at least I could provide well for my family. The money was rolling in, and I was being recognized for the first time as important. There were also a lot of other lonely people there that I could relate too. By this time, I hated my husband for not loving me or wanting to provide for me. While I was working long hours, he was playing with new toys that he had bought with my check and bouncing from job to job. I told him to get out over and over. His response was that if I left him he would take my children. I loved my children and they were the only thing that kept me alive at that point in my life. Since I couldn’t see any way out, I decided revenge was the way to go. I was angry and hurting and his ex-wife was suddenly and persistently trying to get him back. He had been comparing me to her and all of her faults for years.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I got my revenge and had a one night stand after we had been through a particularly rough week. Then, another man showed interest and I began having an affair with him that lasted over a year. I equated love with sex because that was all I knew. He kept saying that he would leave his wife and I could leave my husband and we would get married. He was also blackmailing me into continuing the affair by threatening to tell my husband. By this time, I was an empty vessel, but I was sick of being pushed around by men and ended the affair. Of course, there was someone else waiting in the wings and just as I ended the affair with one I started another with a man who was separated, but not divorced.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']This one was kind to me. He appeared to be a family man and was gentle and sweet. He had all the qualities that I had never experienced in a relationship. In my mind, I decided that he was the man that I needed. I broke off my marriage with the man who I finally decided never loved me. He immediately went back to his ex wife and she filed for divorce in her own marriage. I went full force into trying to prove to my new man, that I could be worthy of his love, but he always seemed to keep me at arms length. A few months later, he stopped calling me and went back to his estranged wife. I was left with no one.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']We dated for several months, and then in the fall my cycle didn’t come. He was terrified and positive that he would go to jail. In order to keep out of jail, he told my mother he would marry me. Just shy of my seventeenth birthday, I was playing homemaker. I was carrying a child and decided that I wouldn’t be part of a divorce statistic. After my first son was born, I started going to church. The next five years I went faithfully while completing high school and starting a career that seemed exciting, but later proved to produce little income or satisfaction. The new wore off of my marriage and he became increasingly bitter and abusive. I was a faithful little Christian wife nevertheless.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']In my mind, I believed that I was unworthy of this man and that God would bless my marriage if I spent enough time in church. I worked long hours in my dead end job, learned to cook and clean, but it was never good enough. I could not satisfy him and his violent outburst got worse as the years passed.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] I found out that I was expecting again just before my twenty-first birthday. He didn’t take the news well at all. I decided that this baby was my gift from God and resented my husband because he hit me while I was pregnant. We gave up our house and moved into town and after the baby was born, I went to work in a factory. Factory hours don’t give a person much time to dedicate to church. They also don’t give time for family, but I was making money and for the first time my husband approved. He would swiftly scoop up my paycheck and spend it away as quickly as I could make it.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']The work was hard, but I excelled. I decided that if I was going to be in a loveless marriage, at least I could provide well for my family. The money was rolling in, and I was being recognized for the first time as important. There were also a lot of other lonely people there that I could relate too. By this time, I hated my husband for not loving me or wanting to provide for me. While I was working long hours, he was playing with new toys that he had bought with my check and bouncing from job to job. I told him to get out over and over. His response was that if I left him he would take my children. I loved my children and they were the only thing that kept me alive at that point in my life. Since I couldn’t see any way out, I decided revenge was the way to go. I was angry and hurting and his ex-wife was suddenly and persistently trying to get him back. He had been comparing me to her and all of her faults for years.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I got my revenge and had a one night stand after we had been through a particularly rough week. Then, another man showed interest and I began having an affair with him that lasted over a year. I equated love with sex because that was all I knew. He kept saying that he would leave his wife and I could leave my husband and we would get married. He was also blackmailing me into continuing the affair by threatening to tell my husband. By this time, I was an empty vessel, but I was sick of being pushed around by men and ended the affair. Of course, there was someone else waiting in the wings and just as I ended the affair with one I started another with a man who was separated, but not divorced.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']This one was kind to me. He appeared to be a family man and was gentle and sweet. He had all the qualities that I had never experienced in a relationship. In my mind, I decided that he was the man that I needed. I broke off my marriage with the man who I finally decided never loved me. He immediately went back to his ex wife and she filed for divorce in her own marriage. I went full force into trying to prove to my new man, that I could be worthy of his love, but he always seemed to keep me at arms length. A few months later, he stopped calling me and went back to his estranged wife. I was left with no one.[/FONT]